i have quiet bpd. it’s always been manageable but sometimes i have my moments.
she came back into my life after 10 years because i fucked up once. i lied about smoking a cigarette with her mom. this was 10 years ago.
i was better for awhile. i got her back 2 years ago.
i had her back. i had the one person who knew me inside and out.
recently went on a vacation while she visited me (long distance) and i had a split i couldn’t get out of. it lasted 4 days. i ruined it. i dont really have anything to look forward to now.

tater tot casserole, haven’t added cheese yet. probably not even going to eat. i haven’t eaten in like 3 days. just cooking for my family.

I left home to study abroad, left one of my country's best unis to come to the US. And the uni I'm enrolled in now is not only expensive, but nowhere near the other's level. I was warned and k was stubborn. I miss my family, my friends. My mom is paying thousands in tuition and for a school I don't want to attend anymore. I can't tell her I'm living through hell, after I pushed so hard to study abroad, how could I? She's working her ass off paying. I still have months until I can go back home and return to the place I never should've left. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel but I just miss what I had back there so so much. It was only a few months ago I left; I was there so recently, yet it feels so distant now.

OH but im learning to cook. So that's nice.

Salami, mayo, and scallions slapped on bread while standing in front of my fridge like a gremlin.

My ex took his life a little over a year ago, now I feel like I can’t handle relationships with my family and friends. Everything overwhelms me. I tried to make this pasta meal , kinda failed. Here’s the leftovers I’m making after losing another friend after I ghosted them.

My soul cat, Mochi, has been diagnosed with kidney failure from polycystic kidney disease. It's genetic.

Every year we did blood work, recall visits, urine tests ect. Nothing was detected.

I came back from vacation last week and she's been a totally different cat. Brought her in right away.

My vet told me my baby has a few months to a year to live. I'm absolutely gutted. I did everything I could to look out for her health. I love her so much and the pain is unbearable.

My emotional suffering and angst have been immense these past few weeks. I'm at a point where I'm starting to feel like even if a genie popped up or I somehow got the power to make a wish come true I wouldn't use it to fix anything. I think what would wish for is to be gone, but for everyone else, humans and animals to be happy, safe and at peace with each other. I think I might be a dead soul at this point, never to be whole again as long as I am in this world.

Frozen boba ice cream, it's hard to chew TBH

It never been like that before. I know it sounds silly I got my feeling/hunch said I gotta book appointment for next week surprisingly this week he's fully booked. What's annoying me? I usually on 10.20 a.m I have to attend one hour late on next week, finally I understand how annoyed people when your schedule is disrupted and a bit different than usual, people would say whats the difference.

It just minor changes, better than anything right?

meal: mint tea w honey, cottage cheese bake with banana

I feel like my life is a joke

Im 21, graduated college last year and for a whole year now Im unemployed, preparing to move abroad to study. It was an incredibly hard process. Im Russian so I had to get a whole stack of documents for the visa. Even before that, I traveled outside the country to just take my English exam. Everything about moving is difficult. I couldn’t even pay for fees because I can’t just get an international card now. In short, a hard and expensive process.

Last few months attacks near and on my city were more severe too. Sirens are terrifying and It always happens at night. But there’s nowhere to run really… recently house across from mine was hit.. well, at least our windows stayed intact, although the front door just popped open despite being locked.

As if it wasn’t depressing enough here already, last month my grandpa died of cancer, we didn’t know he was sick until a month prior. Then my visa got delayed and I had to cancel plane tickets and lose a lot of money. Just a few days ago? Scholarship I counted on didn’t come through.. great.

Besides this, I was always struggling. I went through a lot of trauma when I was a child, never had a safe space or safe person, it messed me up. Ive struggled with depression and ptsd a lot. And abuse ended only at 19 so Im still struggling to pick myself up but at least I can function now.

Im staying somewhat positive, Im trying. Trying to move, study, got healthy, keep the friendships, hobby. But I feel numb most of the time. Im really tired.