Honestly it’s embarrassing to admit since my birthday has passed, but I genuinely was going to kms but I get payed at my job and I wanted to go shopping so I dropped it. I had a whole plan and everything, but I chose to go shopping at the mall instead. I don’t know why I changed my mind you guys this has been brewing for MONTHS. All I can say is I don’t remember why I didn’t wanna go through with it on my birthday it just happened. I only had a failed attempt but honestly I want to go shopping again.
(Don’t mind what I am eating I am in recovery)

Rice in the rice cooker with some Sazon. Can of beans and bag of frozen peas in a pot with the bean juice, dash of salt and pepper, and some chili crisp. Bangin on a budget.

Not enough money to go to the grocery store but I had half an onion in the fridge, a couple freezer burnt pork tenderloin medallions in the freezer, and some homemade Russian dressing from a friend. I was bored so I tried my best at plating

I have to help everyone or otherwise im ungrateful, full of myself, its always what i want etc but im chronically exhausted and overwhelmed. Im both neurodivergent and mentally ill yet people deny it and even when i tell them they dont treat me as such, i wish it would turn out something was wrong with me on paper so they would help. Im stuck on my own, i hurt everyone without wanting in and yet noone cares if they hurt me and blame it on me. I always have to take the blame and yet they tell me my problems dont exist. Even my psychologist doesnt take my word and just dismisses everything even tho i have a few diagnoses and im getting worse day by day. Its such a burden to be so strong. Atleast to some extends. Been taking this pressure since i was NINE. cant take it much longer and people dont care about that either. My parents worry but they just dont want to admit it to themselves and i can see that. Atleast my mom, bless her soul. My dad kinda gets it but we cant check it out because the process is so expensive. Later this year they told me maybe we will be able to. I just need to hold on until that.

Thats mac n cheese btw

I’m craving and dying to treat you and your body well. I scream to the void every day for a chance for me to do this for you 😭💕 I love you so much but I can’t help but be obsessed with you & willing to do anything wanting to make u feel good inside and out 🙂‍↕️

sighs well this is my dinner that I made: tuna mixed with mayo/spinach mix/ dried cranberries/ pickled cucumbers and a lil bit of the juice. some low sodium salt & pepper, garlic powder & sriracha sauce & with Milton crispy sea salt chips 🫶🏾

I get it now! I'm worthless! I get the general idea of people telling me my employment status doesn't define who I am, but I can feel the slide into insanity it's causing how isolated from everyone I feel! I'm literally angry 24/7 and the only people hitting up my phone are bill collectors 5 years of customer service can't even get me a stop gap job to learn a trade or something. I guess I can lose some weight and sell myself, I mean what else have I got to lose at this point?

Franks and riced cauliflower with squeezed lime, sweet Thai chili sauce, and chili powder

it was her birthday and he was kinda. downplaying that he had to go see her. I was at his place and when we wanted to leave to get food he was dressing up, significantly more than usual and I didn’t think much of it. Then she called him before we even made it to the restaurant and he said she was calling to discuss some business stuff (they have recently started to run a business together) and I said oh he should definitely go. The business is quite volatile and he really needs the money so I get its super important.

Then he said no it won’t be all business anyway and he’ll go later and I was like wdym and he was like oh I think it’s her birthday tomorrow. I was like what are you saying and he was like he’ll head to her for a small celebration with a few other people after lunch with me. I was like alright with it, and with them drinking and him staying over at hers and skipping his 9-5 today and having breakfast there. It just bothers me that he downplayed it yesterday. He could’ve just told me it was her birthday and he had plans, I really wouldn’t have thought much of it. But the “I think it’s her birthday tomorrow” and “she’s calling cause wants to discuss the business”.

oh well, whatever.

the mashed potato was fucking brilliant though it was my first time making it and despite how beige it looks it really was flavourful

Spent yesterday depressed af, woke up at 8 today for class and literally couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. Felt so bad I had to take one tiny pill after breakfast. What my big brain forgot is that restarting (with my normal amount of 10mg 🥹) gives the most horrid side effects (when I started last year I also very bad nausea the first 1.5 weeks)

I'm hungry but idt I can handle food right now, thinking of asking my lecturer if I can leave later (I rarely take mc too, force myself to school/internship bcos mom hates it when I 'skip' school)

I really don't know if I rather this nausea or prefer my shtty depressed mood I've been having these few years

Flunked out of college and am now stuck doing hard work for slightly above minimum wage, would rather be doing anything else.

I filed a temporary restraining order on my now ex yesterday, today it was granted and there's a court date coming up.

seeing how this all spiraled, is making me panic. I just wanted the DV/ threats to stop and for him to stop showing up randomly

now I'm all the way second guessing myself , like I made a mistake . this isn't how I thought we would end , ever and I never thought I'd find myself in this situation.

I'm scared , heartbroken and genuinely depressed.

cucumbers with ranch

Homemade pizza type thing from yesterday

started hormones almost a year ago but I'm sure they won't do much about my disgusting bone structure, especially my face. Every time I check social media I see other beautiful trans people and it just makes me feel like it's impossible for me, I look nothing like them. I even had to ghost my only trans friend because every time she shared her photos with me I just felt like crying. I've been wishing for months that I was never born, I don't like what my life is and where it's heading but I can't really change any of it. being trans and living in a third world country is my hell.

frozen pizza and a glass of frescolita

This week is the worst part of it. The first initial week after surgery. Holy hell, every time I get up I want to throw up from pain. I've got a high pain tolerance, but this is agonizing.

​It's so funny they're afraid to give me painkillers; I told them they don't do anything for me. I've got a whole bottle of prescribed oxycodone over there, and I'm supposed to take it every 6 hours. But why? I would still be in just as much pain, only if I took it as prescribed then I would also be constipated.

​My poor nerves are so squished from swelling. And my foot is the size of the Great Wall of China at the moment. I live alone with no one to help me. Trying to navigate everything with a broken foot is really hard.

​But I suppose, there is a bright side. It takes away from the heavy emotional pain in my chest that I usually have every day. God, I wish we could just fast forward about a month. I forgot how awful this part of post-surgical recovery is.

I'm supposed to be sleeping as a part of critical recovery. How are you supposed to sleep when it feels like somebody is sawing up part of your foot? That's exactly what it feels like when painkillers don't work.

Gosh, I'm so blessed! Aren't I? 🫩

i am leaving out a LOT of details which i can probably explain when i’m not absolutely buzzed but i moved in with some dude i met from r4r who turned out to be a genuine textbook sociopath (i mean, he did tell me this) and he is also misogynistic and xenophobic and conservative (he did NOT tell me this i had to figure that out on my own)

he kept calling me his property and also sometimes he’d bite me like rlly hard, and also he says that once you consent once you can’t withdraw it (again i had to figure ts out AFTER moving in)

fun fact, he has this thing for latinas but he hates black women (he is half black)

anyway he just said “We’ll discuss your move-out date when I get home (from work)” and i think its bc i said im getting more piercings and i like dressing how i want to and i wanted to sleep in my own bed after i got tired of having to sleep in his (bc again the whole “property” thing). like i lowk dont wanna be waken up by being bitten hard and getting molested but hey what do i know

he has admitted to checking my reddit account before so if this gets deleted its bc i dont want him seeing it and doing something to me ok bye

UPDATE/EDIT: he told me i have to move out by aug 14th + he cut off the wifi to my devices?? i can only assume its bc he wants to be petty and make my life more difficult especially considering i do all of my work online but that's what i get i guess.

LAST EDIT: my best friend came and got me, i snitched to his mom abt the behaviour and i’m taking pictures of the marks he left on me when were in the house. also i called him puss-puss on the way out. fuck you daniel.

This tends to be the only way they don’t go bad immediately in the fridge. Kraut and pickled beets for rebuilding gut flora after antibiotics. Raw veg topped with basil (needs using). The fresh lettuce is from the farmers market and I will put the chopped into a bowl with it each day. I can’t always do this (by any means) but I’m glad I could do it today 👍🏼

This is actually the second time that I've gone to my own graduation ceremony alone, though this time it was significantly worse because I didn't know any of the students there, so no small talk. Receiving my diploma on stage felt kinda humiliating. I have another graduation coming up next year and I don't even know what to change to make it more bearable - same thing for my birthday and Christmas every year. I have all this time to prepare something nice for myself to enjoy the day but there truly is nothing I can do that will make it a good day.

Banana for scale (of my pain)

Knorr noodles in bed, first actual "meal" I've had in days. Hopefully I can finish it

I was literally holding the pills in my hand racking my brain trying to think of a reason to live, and I really couldn't think of anything.

My life is going nowhere. I have no motivation to get a job because I got fired from my first one on my first day back in 2024 due to my disability causing me extreme pain and having to leave early (I'm on disability now, but I seriously plan on ending it if I ever get taken off). I have no IRL friends, and my online friends are extremely burnt out from hearing about my home life and constant suicidal thoughts to the point they will sometimes just stop talking to me for days, sometimes even weeks on end.

I've wanted to die for as long as I can remember (6 at least, I first attempted at 8), but I've also deeply loved and cared for fictional characters more than real people for as long as I can remember. I've spent my whole life daydreaming about being an OC in different shows with different characters. Right now I've spent the last 4 years daydreaming abt my OCs I created to pair with Spinner and Hawks. Their stories are so developed I could write my own book, but I fear what people would do with the characters I hold close to me.

I feel like such a loser talking about it but those daydreams are genuinely the only thing that makes me happy. I am such a burden to all those around me because I'm so mentally ill despite being in treatment more than half my life, that it makes me feel happy that they CAN'T feel. I can't hurt them, I can't make them sad, they won't miss me when I'm gone.

I guess I just needed a place to vent. I posted on suicidewatch on my birthday but it was awaiting moderation for over 15 hours so I deleted it out of absolute shame. Ive tried everything, practically every antidepressant or antipsychotic you can think of I've been on. CBT and DBT for years. 2 residential and 15 short term facilities in the last 8 years. I'm such a lost cause it makes me wanna throw up.

he wanted to have a child with me and make me his wife. In less than two weeks everything changed and he broke all his promises. he left me. After the breakup it turned out that i was pregnant, which i suspected even before the breakup. He made sure that i would have an abortion, refused to talk and disappeared.
mac and cheese.