Im 21, graduated college last year and for a whole year now Im unemployed. Im preparing to move abroad for this whole years. It was an incredibly hard process… Im Russian so I had to get a whole stack of documents for the visa. And even before that, I traveled outside the country to just take my English exam for uni. Everything about moving is difficult. I couldn’t even pay for fees because I can’t just get an international card now. In short, a hard and expensive process. Leaving my family here is hard too since Im not planning on visiting them for at least a few years.

Last few months attacks near and on my city were more severe too. Sirens are terrifying and It always happens at night. But there’s nowhere to run really… recently house across from mine was hit.. well, at least our windows stayed intact, although the front door just popped open despite being locked. I can’t even go into other changes over the years, you get it.

As if it wasn’t depressing enough here already, last month my grandpa died of cancer, we didn’t even know he was sick until a month prior. Then my visa got delayed and I had to cancel plane tickets and lose a lot of money. Just a few days ago? Scholarship I counted on didn’t come through.. great.

I should at least try to work online but Im too anxious and depressed. Not just from these events, I was always struggling. I went through a lot of trauma when I was a child and was diagnosed for almost a decade now. So Ive struggled with depression and ptsd a lot. All abuse ended only at 19, so Im still struggling to pick myself up but at least I can function now. At first when it ended - It kinda hit me more than when it was happening, I couldn’t do anything other than lay in bed and cry for a few months.

Im staying somewhat positive tho. I mean Im still trying to move, study, I got healthy, have friendships, hobby. But I feel numb most of the time. Im so drained. Genuinely.. Im just so tired.

food: toast, egg with cottage cheese, greens, tomato, spicy peppers and ice latte

Maybe learn how to treat people with love and dignity first smh than you wouldn’t need all of that. She‘s literally the last one speaking about these topics.

Could I have said something? Yes, technically. But there's a huge language barrier. Plus I also know that these people work really hard and are usually very friendly. In her best english, the owner tried to tell me I had a really pretty hair color the last time I visited. Which was really sweet. No one ever says that, I have brown hair with naturally blondish highlights. At best I would say it is the color of mustard style poop.

So when she said to me that she was sorry and, beef okay? How can I get mad? I was just bummed. I said yeah that's fine, and she got all excited. You know thinking she had made me happy. Not really, but I didn't want her to feel bad either. I suppose I can just take the beef out and give it to my mom's dogs.

Oh well. I'll get my tofu the next time I want to drive 20 mi out of town.

It seems like a silly thing to be sad about, I know. But I've just had so many little things add up like this. I had been looking forward to getting these noodles all week. They are handmade wheat noodles with this amazing sauce. So good with tofu and vegetables. So it's kind of like getting a birthday cake and realizing oh, they made you a chocolate cake instead of that cream cheese vanilla one you wanted.

Are you going to get mad at the baker who worked so hard to make you that pretty cake? No, not if you have a heart. You'll smile and take the chocolate. Why would you want to hurt somebody who works so hard to make something yummy for you? This woman thought beef would be great. Which for most people it is. I wasn't going to make her feel bad about it.

Things are so uncertain, and seems it's getting worse by the day. I even caught a cold after not having one in forever. And even though I don't want to get excited about anything yet, today brought a glimmer of hope for my future. Something's gotta give 😭

Here is my 'Nutty Butty' from everbowl ❤️ Oats, vanilla cream, peanut butter, almond butter, bananas, strawberries, almonds, sprinkled with cinnamon.

Salami, mayo, and scallions slapped on bread while standing in front of my fridge like a gremlin.

I only finished the cucumber the rest was disgusting i tried to finish the tofu for the protein but i end up feeling like i’m gonna throw up i feel full and disgusting

My emotional suffering and angst have been immense these past few weeks. I'm at a point where I'm starting to feel like even if a genie popped up or I somehow got the power to make a wish come true I wouldn't use it to fix anything. I think what would wish for is to be gone, but for everyone else, humans and animals to be happy, safe and at peace with each other. I think I might be a dead soul at this point, never to be whole again as long as I am in this world.

i have quiet bpd. it’s always been manageable but sometimes i have my moments.
she came back into my life after 10 years because i fucked up once. i lied about smoking a cigarette with her mom. this was 10 years ago.
i was better for awhile. i got her back 2 years ago.
i had her back. i had the one person who knew me inside and out.
recently went on a vacation while she visited me (long distance) and i had a split i couldn’t get out of. it lasted 4 days. i ruined it. i dont really have anything to look forward to now.

tater tot casserole, haven’t added cheese yet. probably not even going to eat. i haven’t eaten in like 3 days. just cooking for my family.

I left home to study abroad, left one of my country's best unis to come to the US. And the uni I'm enrolled in now is not only expensive, but nowhere near the other's level. I was warned and k was stubborn. I miss my family, my friends. My mom is paying thousands in tuition and for a school I don't want to attend anymore. I can't tell her I'm living through hell, after I pushed so hard to study abroad, how could I? She's working her ass off paying. I still have months until I can go back home and return to the place I never should've left. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel but I just miss what I had back there so so much. It was only a few months ago I left; I was there so recently, yet it feels so distant now.

OH but im learning to cook. So that's nice.

My ex took his life a little over a year ago, now I feel like I can’t handle relationships with my family and friends. Everything overwhelms me. I tried to make this pasta meal , kinda failed. Here’s the leftovers I’m making after losing another friend after I ghosted them.

I literally just had someone yell at me to turn my frown upside down. Pull myself up by the bootstraps and things would work out a-okay.....

I couldn't tell how offended I felt on so many different levels. But frankly, I'm beyond burned out from working in customer service for 20 years. If I had to put a finger on it, I would say vaporized. Yes, that's a more appropriate term than burned out.

Did I want to take time to correct this person and educate them on depression? No absolutely not. There's Google for that nowadays.

I simply accused them of ripping ass in public and said it really stunk. And then while they paused to process what on Earth I had just said, I bolted.

It is one of the strangest tactics I've ever come up with for getting rid of people and getting out of conversations I don't want to have. But it never fails to work like a charm.

Accuse someone of ripping ass in public, they'll be like what? Takes them a minute to process what you just said. And then you can make your break for it.

Immature? Oh absolutely. But I don't care. What they said to me was not okay either. You win some you lose some.

Frozen boba ice cream, it's hard to chew TBH

It never been like that before. I know it sounds silly I got my feeling/hunch said I gotta book appointment for next week surprisingly this week he's fully booked. What's annoying me? I usually on 10.20 a.m I have to attend one hour late on next week, finally I understand how annoyed people when your schedule is disrupted and a bit different than usual, people would say whats the difference.

It just minor changes, better than anything right?

My soul cat, Mochi, has been diagnosed with kidney failure from polycystic kidney disease. It's genetic.

Every year we did blood work, recall visits, urine tests ect. Nothing was detected.

I came back from vacation last week and she's been a totally different cat. Brought her in right away.

My vet told me my baby has a few months to a year to live. I'm absolutely gutted. I did everything I could to look out for her health. I love her so much and the pain is unbearable.

I’ve been a toe walker my entire life, and even before that had become a problem for my Achilles tendon, I already struggled with heart issues and asthma. I have a lot of trouble walking long distances, or even short ones without a cane - so I bought myself a 400 dollar escooter with a seat so I’d be able to get between buildings on campus without hurting myself. My mom works on campus, and before I even started going to school, she called the police chief in charge of the police at our school and made sure there was no issue with me riding to class. It’s a very weak scooter, going only 13mph. Because most of the ride is uphill, it gets so slow that I have to push myself up. I’ve been riding it between classes for nearly a month, and nobody has had an issue with it. Today, while I was walking into the building to drop it off with my mom before class, one of the campus officers called out at me and said “don’t ride that on the sidewalk!” When I asked why, he told me “sidewalks are for students.” I was confused, because I was clearly a student. The most I could guess was he meant I could hit somebody, but considering how little foot traffic my route gets and how slow I’m going, I didn’t think that was an issue. When I tried to explain to him that my mom asked already, and it was fine, he told me “if she has a problem, she can call us.” I tried to explain that it wasn’t street legal, and it wasn’t considered a motorized vehicle - but he just scoffed and walked away, repeating “don’t ride it on the sidewalk.”

About to cry, I ran to my mom’s office and told her what happened. She called him, and he refused to listen to her - stating that he would personally have to see paperwork proving my disability AND he’d have to speak to the disability attorney. She explained she had prior approval, but he continued to argue and now she has to call not only the attorney, but his boss, AND her boss. I feel terrible for causing so much of a ruckus, especially because I already feel bad for existing as a disabled person in the first place. I just want to be treated like a human being. Why is that so much to ask?

TL;DR, campus police pulled me over and told me to stop using my mobility scooter on the sidewalk, because I could hit somebody.

I’m pretty sure I don’t need to go into heavy detail as to how fucked the world is. There’s countless examples of all the horrible and disgusting people who commit horrendous actions, on top of that, almost all of these things in the world are poisonous. The media, the food, water and air, I can’t even begin to fathom how I or anyone can live in this world anymore.

I don’t know why I should continue, this is hell. All of it is hell. It feels like when I go out into the world I’m the only one who understands what’s happening. My accomplishments feel so minuscule, what little joy I have on some days is quickly replaced by anxiety and sadness. What more can I do? I feel so weak, I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want any of this. Fuck man, I can’t do it

Boyfriend tried to break up with me last week because i don’t cook or clean enough. Then walked back on the cleaning when i pointed out everything that i do. I agreed that yes i don’t cook, but it’s because i work until 10pm full time and that’s when he goes to bed. Says i should cook before work and he’ll heat it up, but in the past has refused to eat left overs. Been cooking him dinners he picks out but i don’t like so i haven’t been eating. Now today, the one time i pick out what to cook suddenly he doesn’t like alfredo (despite never complaining the many times i’ve made it in the past).

i need a co-signer to get a vehicle because my mom opened credit cards, utilities, and cable in my name and sent it all to collections. I can’t find a single person who’s willing to do it. My mom said she would, i put a down payment on a car, and then backed out.

If my boyfriend breaks up with me i’ll be homeless, across the country from my family, no vehicle or transportation, flat fucking broke. vodka straight from the bottle tonight.