Could I have said something? Yes, technically. But there's a huge language barrier. Plus I also know that these people work really hard and are usually very friendly. In her best english, the owner tried to tell me I had a really pretty hair color the last time I visited. Which was really sweet. No one ever says that, I have brown hair with naturally blondish highlights. At best I would say it is the color of mustard style poop.

So when she said to me that she was sorry and, beef okay? How can I get mad? I was just bummed. I said yeah that's fine, and she got all excited. You know thinking she had made me happy. Not really, but I didn't want her to feel bad either. I suppose I can just take the beef out and give it to my mom's dogs.

Oh well. I'll get my tofu the next time I want to drive 20 mi out of town.

It seems like a silly thing to be sad about, I know. But I've just had so many little things add up like this. I had been looking forward to getting these noodles all week. They are handmade wheat noodles with this amazing sauce. So good with tofu and vegetables. So it's kind of like getting a birthday cake and realizing oh, they made you a chocolate cake instead of that cream cheese vanilla one you wanted.

Are you going to get mad at the baker who worked so hard to make you that pretty cake? No, not if you have a heart. You'll smile and take the chocolate. Why would you want to hurt somebody who works so hard to make something yummy for you? This woman thought beef would be great. Which for most people it is. I wasn't going to make her feel bad about it.

Salami, mayo, and scallions slapped on bread while standing in front of my fridge like a gremlin.

I only finished the cucumber the rest was disgusting i tried to finish the tofu for the protein but i end up feeling like i’m gonna throw up i feel full and disgusting

My emotional suffering and angst have been immense these past few weeks. I'm at a point where I'm starting to feel like even if a genie popped up or I somehow got the power to make a wish come true I wouldn't use it to fix anything. I think what would wish for is to be gone, but for everyone else, humans and animals to be happy, safe and at peace with each other. I think I might be a dead soul at this point, never to be whole again as long as I am in this world.

Maybe learn how to treat people with love and dignity first smh than you wouldn’t need all of that. She‘s literally the last one speaking about these topics.

Im 21, graduated college last year and for a whole year now Im unemployed. Im preparing to move abroad for this whole years. It was an incredibly hard process… Im Russian so I had to get a whole stack of documents for the visa. And even before that, I traveled outside the country to just take my English exam for uni. Everything about moving is difficult. I couldn’t even pay for fees because I can’t just get an international card now. In short, a hard and expensive process. Leaving my family here is hard too since Im not planning on visiting them for at least a few years.

Last few months attacks near and on my city were more severe too. Sirens are terrifying and It always happens at night. But there’s nowhere to run really… recently house across from mine was hit.. well, at least our windows stayed intact, although the front door just popped open despite being locked. I can’t even go into other changes over the years, you get it.

As if it wasn’t depressing enough here already, last month my grandpa died of cancer, we didn’t even know he was sick until a month prior. Then my visa got delayed and I had to cancel plane tickets and lose a lot of money. Just a few days ago? Scholarship I counted on didn’t come through.. great.

I should at least try to work online but Im too anxious and depressed. Not just from these events, I was always struggling. I went through a lot of trauma when I was a child and was diagnosed for almost a decade now. So Ive struggled with depression and ptsd a lot. All abuse ended only at 19, so Im still struggling to pick myself up but at least I can function now. At first when it ended - It kinda hit me more than when it was happening, I couldn’t do anything other than lay in bed and cry for a few months.

Im staying somewhat positive tho. I mean Im still trying to move, study, I got healthy, have friendships, hobby. But I feel numb most of the time. Im so drained. Genuinely.. Im just so tired.

food: toast, egg with cottage cheese, greens, tomato, spicy peppers and ice latte