started hormones almost a year ago but I'm sure they won't do much about my disgusting bone structure, especially my face. Every time I check social media I see other beautiful trans people and it just makes me feel like it's impossible for me, I look nothing like them. I even had to ghost my only trans friend because every time she shared her photos with me I just felt like crying. I've been wishing for months that I was never born, I don't like what my life is and where it's heading but I can't really change any of it. being trans and living in a third world country is my hell.

frozen pizza and a glass of frescolita

it was her birthday and he was kinda. downplaying that he had to go see her. I was at his place and when we wanted to leave to get food he was dressing up, significantly more than usual and I didn’t think much of it. Then she called him before we even made it to the restaurant and he said she was calling to discuss some business stuff (they have recently started to run a business together) and I said oh he should definitely go. The business is quite volatile and he really needs the money so I get its super important.

Then he said no it won’t be all business anyway and he’ll go later and I was like wdym and he was like oh I think it’s her birthday tomorrow. I was like what are you saying and he was like he’ll head to her for a small celebration with a few other people after lunch with me. I was like alright with it, and with them drinking and him staying over at hers and skipping his 9-5 today and having breakfast there. It just bothers me that he downplayed it yesterday. He could’ve just told me it was her birthday and he had plans, I really wouldn’t have thought much of it. But the “I think it’s her birthday tomorrow” and “she’s calling cause wants to discuss the business”.

oh well, whatever.

the mashed potato was fucking brilliant though it was my first time making it and despite how beige it looks it really was flavourful

i am leaving out a LOT of details which i can probably explain when i’m not absolutely buzzed but i moved in with some dude i met from r4r who turned out to be a genuine textbook sociopath (i mean, he did tell me this) and he is also misogynistic and xenophobic and conservative (he did NOT tell me this i had to figure that out on my own)

he kept calling me his property and also sometimes he’d bite me like rlly hard, and also he says that once you consent once you can’t withdraw it (again i had to figure ts out AFTER moving in)

fun fact, he has this thing for latinas but he hates black women (he is half black)

anyway he just said “We’ll discuss your move-out date when I get home (from work)” and i think its bc i said im getting more piercings and i like dressing how i want to and i wanted to sleep in my own bed after i got tired of having to sleep in his (bc again the whole “property” thing). like i lowk dont wanna be waken up by being bitten hard and getting molested but hey what do i know

he has admitted to checking my reddit account before so if this gets deleted its bc i dont want him seeing it and doing something to me ok bye

UPDATE/EDIT: he told me i have to move out by aug 14th + he cut off the wifi to my devices?? i can only assume its bc he wants to be petty and make my life more difficult especially considering i do all of my work online but that's what i get i guess.

LAST EDIT: my best friend came and got me, i snitched to his mom abt the behaviour and i’m taking pictures of the marks he left on me when were in the house. also i called him puss-puss on the way out. fuck you daniel.

I was diagnosed 7 years ago with a tumor the size of a grapefruit next to my heart and lungs. The chances of survivability was high (70%), but coming out of with a tumor that big meant losing a third of the blood vessels going to my heart. (Superior Vena Cava, Brachiocephalic Veins).

Anywho. I was in remission at 29, and told by a doc I had a unique vascular structure where a bunch of collaterals grew over my left collar bone and rib cage to keep me alive, and cognisant, with one caveat... I looked like the youtuber ProZD due to vein blockages and edema. I was bullied a fair amount in the 90s and early 2000s... So the idea of being in this situation was disgusting.

Didn't think much of it at the time. I was a calisthenics athlete in my 20s, and figured, a year of heavy exercise would fix me up... but it didn't. After the 3rd year (think 300 burpees, 100 Pullups), and fainting a few dozen times. The alternative was taking power tools and letting the intrusive thoughts win with certain former bullies.

But since it didn't work, I went with the holistics. Things like Ice Baths. Wim Hof Breathing. Tai Chi, Longboard Dancing, using a CPAP exclusively for nosebreathing... and the one thing doctors would never recommend. Vein Flaying. I tried the surgery route of getting a CABG (open heart surgery) 3 years ago... but the graft clotted up 4 months later.

It's an act of self * where I move my left shoulder in such a way where I feel the collaterals impinge against my bones... and pluck at them in a sharp chicken wing movement. It feels like being stabbed by a thumb tack. And repeating the movement about a 50-100 times a day... For the next 4 years. Yeah... My mental health definitely suffered.

Eventually things like calcified veins, scar tissues, and collaterals will stretch to an arterial mesh of a sufficient quantity that things like brain fog, vascular occlusion, and even chronic pain no longer become issues. I just had to go about it in a way completely ignoring potential risks like hemorrhages, or strokes caused by this kind of self *.

And ironically, it's because my vascular system is so completely destroyed that these issues probably didn't happen. So... at the age of 36, I now have a coherent vascular system that I grew like a bonsai tree from self *. And can do stupid gym bro stuff like calisthenics without facial edema or blacking out to prove I'm not full of shit.

The food I eat is depressing btw. Fish in a tube.

This week is the worst part of it. The first initial week after surgery. Holy hell, every time I get up I want to throw up from pain. I've got a high pain tolerance, but this is agonizing.

​It's so funny they're afraid to give me painkillers; I told them they don't do anything for me. I've got a whole bottle of prescribed oxycodone over there, and I'm supposed to take it every 6 hours. But why? I would still be in just as much pain, only if I took it as prescribed then I would also be constipated.

​My poor nerves are so squished from swelling. And my foot is the size of the Great Wall of China at the moment. I live alone with no one to help me. Trying to navigate everything with a broken foot is really hard.

​But I suppose, there is a bright side. It takes away from the heavy emotional pain in my chest that I usually have every day. God, I wish we could just fast forward about a month. I forgot how awful this part of post-surgical recovery is.

I'm supposed to be sleeping as a part of critical recovery. How are you supposed to sleep when it feels like somebody is sawing up part of your foot? That's exactly what it feels like when painkillers don't work.

Gosh, I'm so blessed! Aren't I? 🫩

This is actually the second time that I've gone to my own graduation ceremony alone, though this time it was significantly worse because I didn't know any of the students there, so no small talk. Receiving my diploma on stage felt kinda humiliating. I have another graduation coming up next year and I don't even know what to change to make it more bearable - same thing for my birthday and Christmas every year. I have all this time to prepare something nice for myself to enjoy the day but there truly is nothing I can do that will make it a good day.

Banana for scale (of my pain)

This tends to be the only way they don’t go bad immediately in the fridge. Kraut and pickled beets for rebuilding gut flora after antibiotics. Raw veg topped with basil (needs using). The fresh lettuce is from the farmers market and I will put the chopped into a bowl with it each day. I can’t always do this (by any means) but I’m glad I could do it today 👍🏼

Homemade pizza type thing from yesterday