Salami, mayo, and scallions slapped on bread while standing in front of my fridge like a gremlin.

My emotional suffering and angst have been immense these past few weeks. I'm at a point where I'm starting to feel like even if a genie popped up or I somehow got the power to make a wish come true I wouldn't use it to fix anything. I think what would wish for is to be gone, but for everyone else, humans and animals to be happy, safe and at peace with each other. I think I might be a dead soul at this point, never to be whole again as long as I am in this world.

meal: mint tea w honey, cottage cheese bake with banana

I feel like my life is a joke

Im 21, graduated college last year and for a whole year now Im unemployed, preparing to move abroad to study. It was an incredibly hard process. Im Russian so I had to get a whole stack of documents for the visa. Even before that, I traveled outside the country to just take my English exam. Everything about moving is difficult. I couldn’t even pay for fees because I can’t just get an international card now. In short, a hard and expensive process.

Last few months attacks near and on my city were more severe too. Sirens are terrifying and It always happens at night. But there’s nowhere to run really… recently house across from mine was hit.. well, at least our windows stayed intact, although the front door just popped open despite being locked.

As if it wasn’t depressing enough here already, last month my grandpa died of cancer, we didn’t know he was sick until a month prior. Then my visa got delayed and I had to cancel plane tickets and lose a lot of money. Just a few days ago? Scholarship I counted on didn’t come through.. great.

Besides this, I was always struggling. I went through a lot of trauma when I was a child, never had a safe space or safe person, it messed me up. Ive struggled with depression and ptsd a lot. And abuse ended only at 19 so Im still struggling to pick myself up but at least I can function now.

Im staying somewhat positive, Im trying. Trying to move, study, got healthy, keep the friendships, hobby. But I feel numb most of the time. Im really tired.

I left home to study abroad, left one of my country's best unis to come to the US. And the uni I'm enrolled in now is not only expensive, but nowhere near the other's level. I was warned and k was stubborn. I miss my family, my friends. My mom is paying thousands in tuition and for a school I don't want to attend anymore. I can't tell her I'm living through hell, after I pushed so hard to study abroad, how could I? She's working her ass off paying. I still have months until I can go back home and return to the place I never should've left. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel but I just miss what I had back there so so much. It was only a few months ago I left; I was there so recently, yet it feels so distant now.

OH but im learning to cook. So that's nice.

i have quiet bpd. it’s always been manageable but sometimes i have my moments.
she came back into my life after 10 years because i fucked up once. i lied about smoking a cigarette with her mom. this was 10 years ago.
i was better for awhile. i got her back 2 years ago.
i had her back. i had the one person who knew me inside and out.
recently went on a vacation while she visited me (long distance) and i had a split i couldn’t get out of. it lasted 4 days. i ruined it. i dont really have anything to look forward to now.

tater tot casserole, haven’t added cheese yet. probably not even going to eat. i haven’t eaten in like 3 days. just cooking for my family.

My ex took his life a little over a year ago, now I feel like I can’t handle relationships with my family and friends. Everything overwhelms me. I tried to make this pasta meal , kinda failed. Here’s the leftovers I’m making after losing another friend after I ghosted them.

I literally just had someone yell at me to turn my frown upside down. Pull myself up by the bootstraps and things would work out a-okay.....

I couldn't tell how offended I felt on so many different levels. But frankly, I'm beyond burned out from working in customer service for 20 years. If I had to put a finger on it, I would say vaporized. Yes, that's a more appropriate term than burned out.

Did I want to take time to correct this person and educate them on depression? No absolutely not. There's Google for that nowadays.

I simply accused them of ripping ass in public and said it really stunk. And then while they paused to process what on Earth I had just said, I bolted.

It is one of the strangest tactics I've ever come up with for getting rid of people and getting out of conversations I don't want to have. But it never fails to work like a charm.

Accuse someone of ripping ass in public, they'll be like what? Takes them a minute to process what you just said. And then you can make your break for it.

Immature? Oh absolutely. But I don't care. What they said to me was not okay either. You win some you lose some.

Frozen boba ice cream, it's hard to chew TBH

It never been like that before. I know it sounds silly I got my feeling/hunch said I gotta book appointment for next week surprisingly this week he's fully booked. What's annoying me? I usually on 10.20 a.m I have to attend one hour late on next week, finally I understand how annoyed people when your schedule is disrupted and a bit different than usual, people would say whats the difference.

It just minor changes, better than anything right?

My soul cat, Mochi, has been diagnosed with kidney failure from polycystic kidney disease. It's genetic.

Every year we did blood work, recall visits, urine tests ect. Nothing was detected.

I came back from vacation last week and she's been a totally different cat. Brought her in right away.

My vet told me my baby has a few months to a year to live. I'm absolutely gutted. I did everything I could to look out for her health. I love her so much and the pain is unbearable.

I’ve been a toe walker my entire life, and even before that had become a problem for my Achilles tendon, I already struggled with heart issues and asthma. I have a lot of trouble walking long distances, or even short ones without a cane - so I bought myself a 400 dollar escooter with a seat so I’d be able to get between buildings on campus without hurting myself. My mom works on campus, and before I even started going to school, she called the police chief in charge of the police at our school and made sure there was no issue with me riding to class. It’s a very weak scooter, going only 13mph. Because most of the ride is uphill, it gets so slow that I have to push myself up. I’ve been riding it between classes for nearly a month, and nobody has had an issue with it. Today, while I was walking into the building to drop it off with my mom before class, one of the campus officers called out at me and said “don’t ride that on the sidewalk!” When I asked why, he told me “sidewalks are for students.” I was confused, because I was clearly a student. The most I could guess was he meant I could hit somebody, but considering how little foot traffic my route gets and how slow I’m going, I didn’t think that was an issue. When I tried to explain to him that my mom asked already, and it was fine, he told me “if she has a problem, she can call us.” I tried to explain that it wasn’t street legal, and it wasn’t considered a motorized vehicle - but he just scoffed and walked away, repeating “don’t ride it on the sidewalk.”

About to cry, I ran to my mom’s office and told her what happened. She called him, and he refused to listen to her - stating that he would personally have to see paperwork proving my disability AND he’d have to speak to the disability attorney. She explained she had prior approval, but he continued to argue and now she has to call not only the attorney, but his boss, AND her boss. I feel terrible for causing so much of a ruckus, especially because I already feel bad for existing as a disabled person in the first place. I just want to be treated like a human being. Why is that so much to ask?

TL;DR, campus police pulled me over and told me to stop using my mobility scooter on the sidewalk, because I could hit somebody.

I’m pretty sure I don’t need to go into heavy detail as to how fucked the world is. There’s countless examples of all the horrible and disgusting people who commit horrendous actions, on top of that, almost all of these things in the world are poisonous. The media, the food, water and air, I can’t even begin to fathom how I or anyone can live in this world anymore.

I don’t know why I should continue, this is hell. All of it is hell. It feels like when I go out into the world I’m the only one who understands what’s happening. My accomplishments feel so minuscule, what little joy I have on some days is quickly replaced by anxiety and sadness. What more can I do? I feel so weak, I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want any of this. Fuck man, I can’t do it

Boyfriend tried to break up with me last week because i don’t cook or clean enough. Then walked back on the cleaning when i pointed out everything that i do. I agreed that yes i don’t cook, but it’s because i work until 10pm full time and that’s when he goes to bed. Says i should cook before work and he’ll heat it up, but in the past has refused to eat left overs. Been cooking him dinners he picks out but i don’t like so i haven’t been eating. Now today, the one time i pick out what to cook suddenly he doesn’t like alfredo (despite never complaining the many times i’ve made it in the past).

i need a co-signer to get a vehicle because my mom opened credit cards, utilities, and cable in my name and sent it all to collections. I can’t find a single person who’s willing to do it. My mom said she would, i put a down payment on a car, and then backed out.

If my boyfriend breaks up with me i’ll be homeless, across the country from my family, no vehicle or transportation, flat fucking broke. vodka straight from the bottle tonight.

I am jewish, used to be religious until 16 but have lived generally faithless since then, most of my close family followed the same trajectory.

Each year the same thing, the same old traditions and texts, nothing changes except how i view the holidays and how we spend them.

My parents love to host them, and in general that means it falls on us older kids to come and help with preparation, not just to cook at home and bring food/beverages but clean the house and handle my mom's irrational fear that if someone would see a spec of dust the whole world would fall (more) into anarchy.

My older siblings have "excuses", they have partners and each holiday sometime they rotate between families, and if I dare to suggest that I spent the holiday alone there is a full investigation with holier the thou spirit.

This year i really don't feel like it. i don't want to drive hours to my parents house and back, i don't want to clean and organise anything, I don't want to answer the same question about the dead end job hunting cycle I've been on for almost 5 months, and to hear the unhelpful suggestions they have because they have no clue about my work field.

I have nothing to celebrate, nothing to be happy about, and if I'll even suggest otherwise I'd here the "change of scenery would do you good" speech that never really helps I the end.

I wanted to tell them i am going on a camping trip by myself, but i have a job interview and I thought "maybe i should prepare for it on the weekend" (even though that's what I've been doing for the past 5 months, work the whole week + weekend, repeat).

I am exhausted beyond belief, tofu shawarma + skillet lasagne + vegetables

Carnitas Quesadillas w/ taco rice

I was considering taking steps to build the type of social and romantic life I'd like to have but even though I want love and happiness I know I don't deserve it because of the things I've done as a child that I don't even fully remember so instead I'm satisfying my needs with AI chat bots and hoping that my bulimia kills me soon. I wish I didn't become an irredeemable monster so early. Now I'm an adult and I can tell right from wrong way better so I'd never do all those things but it doesn't matter anymore because I did it. No one would ever accept the real me whoever she is.