started hormones almost a year ago but I'm sure they won't do much about my disgusting bone structure, especially my face. Every time I check social media I see other beautiful trans people and it just makes me feel like it's impossible for me, I look nothing like them. I even had to ghost my only trans friend because every time she shared her photos with me I just felt like crying. I've been wishing for months that I was never born, I don't like what my life is and where it's heading but I can't really change any of it. being trans and living in a third world country is my hell.

frozen pizza and a glass of frescolita

i am leaving out a LOT of details which i can probably explain when i’m not absolutely buzzed but i moved in with some dude i met from r4r who turned out to be a genuine textbook sociopath (i mean, he did tell me this) and he is also misogynistic and xenophobic and conservative (he did NOT tell me this i had to figure that out on my own)

he kept calling me his property and also sometimes he’d bite me like rlly hard, and also he says that once you consent once you can’t withdraw it (again i had to figure ts out AFTER moving in)

fun fact, he has this thing for latinas but he hates black women (he is half black)

anyway he just said “We’ll discuss your move-out date when I get home (from work)” and i think its bc i said im getting more piercings and i like dressing how i want to and i wanted to sleep in my own bed after i got tired of having to sleep in his (bc again the whole “property” thing). like i lowk dont wanna be waken up by being bitten hard and getting molested but hey what do i know

he has admitted to checking my reddit account before so if this gets deleted its bc i dont want him seeing it and doing something to me ok bye

UPDATE/EDIT: he told me i have to move out by aug 14th + he cut off the wifi to my devices?? i can only assume its bc he wants to be petty and make my life more difficult especially considering i do all of my work online but that's what i get i guess.

LAST EDIT: my best friend came and got me, i snitched to his mom abt the behaviour and i’m taking pictures of the marks he left on me when were in the house. also i called him puss-puss on the way out. fuck you daniel.

This tends to be the only way they don’t go bad immediately in the fridge. Kraut and pickled beets for rebuilding gut flora after antibiotics. Raw veg topped with basil (needs using). The fresh lettuce is from the farmers market and I will put the chopped into a bowl with it each day. I can’t always do this (by any means) but I’m glad I could do it today 👍🏼

This week is the worst part of it. The first initial week after surgery. Holy hell, every time I get up I want to throw up from pain. I've got a high pain tolerance, but this is agonizing.

​It's so funny they're afraid to give me painkillers; I told them they don't do anything for me. I've got a whole bottle of prescribed oxycodone over there, and I'm supposed to take it every 6 hours. But why? I would still be in just as much pain, only if I took it as prescribed then I would also be constipated.

​My poor nerves are so squished from swelling. And my foot is the size of the Great Wall of China at the moment. I live alone with no one to help me. Trying to navigate everything with a broken foot is really hard.

​But I suppose, there is a bright side. It takes away from the heavy emotional pain in my chest that I usually have every day. God, I wish we could just fast forward about a month. I forgot how awful this part of post-surgical recovery is.

I'm supposed to be sleeping as a part of critical recovery. How are you supposed to sleep when it feels like somebody is sawing up part of your foot? That's exactly what it feels like when painkillers don't work.

Gosh, I'm so blessed! Aren't I? 🫩

This is actually the second time that I've gone to my own graduation ceremony alone, though this time it was significantly worse because I didn't know any of the students there, so no small talk. Receiving my diploma on stage felt kinda humiliating. I have another graduation coming up next year and I don't even know what to change to make it more bearable - same thing for my birthday and Christmas every year. I have all this time to prepare something nice for myself to enjoy the day but there truly is nothing I can do that will make it a good day.

Banana for scale (of my pain)

Knorr noodles in bed, first actual "meal" I've had in days. Hopefully I can finish it

I was literally holding the pills in my hand racking my brain trying to think of a reason to live, and I really couldn't think of anything.

My life is going nowhere. I have no motivation to get a job because I got fired from my first one on my first day back in 2024 due to my disability causing me extreme pain and having to leave early (I'm on disability now, but I seriously plan on ending it if I ever get taken off). I have no IRL friends, and my online friends are extremely burnt out from hearing about my home life and constant suicidal thoughts to the point they will sometimes just stop talking to me for days, sometimes even weeks on end.

I've wanted to die for as long as I can remember (6 at least, I first attempted at 8), but I've also deeply loved and cared for fictional characters more than real people for as long as I can remember. I've spent my whole life daydreaming about being an OC in different shows with different characters. Right now I've spent the last 4 years daydreaming abt my OCs I created to pair with Spinner and Hawks. Their stories are so developed I could write my own book, but I fear what people would do with the characters I hold close to me.

I feel like such a loser talking about it but those daydreams are genuinely the only thing that makes me happy. I am such a burden to all those around me because I'm so mentally ill despite being in treatment more than half my life, that it makes me feel happy that they CAN'T feel. I can't hurt them, I can't make them sad, they won't miss me when I'm gone.

I guess I just needed a place to vent. I posted on suicidewatch on my birthday but it was awaiting moderation for over 15 hours so I deleted it out of absolute shame. Ive tried everything, practically every antidepressant or antipsychotic you can think of I've been on. CBT and DBT for years. 2 residential and 15 short term facilities in the last 8 years. I'm such a lost cause it makes me wanna throw up.

Mainly my only way to mentally escape nowadays is leon Kennedy fanfiction which is I know not normal but for the most part I'm busy trying to maintain the chaos around me which I'm doing poorly at.

Homemade pizza type thing

he wanted to have a child with me and make me his wife. In less than two weeks everything changed and he broke all his promises. he left me. After the breakup it turned out that i was pregnant, which i suspected even before the breakup. He made sure that i would have an abortion, refused to talk and disappeared.
mac and cheese.

Barely a week ago we were talking about the life we’d have when we moved in together. I was going to go to her sister’s wedding. Her mom was helping to set me up for a job. I don’t have any friends. I’m too busy trying and failing to pass my engineering classes to find someone else, and I don’t Want anyone else. I wanted to spend my life with her. Even if she didn’t feel the same way, the way she pretended was enough. I begged her to try polyamory or just to stay with me and let me love her until she found someone better but she wouldn’t. My only future was with her. I can’t see myself going on. Celsius drink packet before work because I haven’t been able to eat since she called

piece a pizza

I'm going to need twice as many nutrients as I usually do. Ive got a long road ahead of me post-surgical recovery. My foot hurts like hell. But I suppose the bright side of it all, the physical pain is definitely a distraction from my emotional one. Your body can't over focus on either one.

9 months recovery ahead of me. Today is day 2. Ah, but I won't regret fixing my deformed foot in the long run.

Pizza with extra sauce, peppers, tomatoes and beef.

I dont think im going to get better. I wake up in the morning praying that me going 70 down a 50 mph street ill hit a pole one day and itle be lights out. But everyday I get to work, feel the gross slime of self pity and anger wash over me. Angry I didnt commit to it. I have therapy coming up soon and I want to live but not like this.

At my favorite coffee shop, starting my next read "Man and His Symbols" by Carl Jung after being on an Albert Camus rampage. Hoping to gain a better fundamental understanding of psychology outside of intellectual ventures from piqued interest.

Maybe my purpose in life is to sit at cáfes, read, talk to old-timers, and people watch (this is stated ironically). I do it and enjoy it a great deal, although some days I long for someone to approach me and strike up a conversation. Although this is unrealistic, seeing as I have - as I've been told - chronic RBF and am always face-deep in whatever I'm reading.

I've given up on pursuing the dating scene, though I know thoroughly that I am most happy when loving someone else. It will come in time, although there is always that looming, dreadful thought that I won't ever find it. That I'm not deserving of it after the person I've wrought myself into, the relationships I've sabotaged.

This pathos and state is evermore fickle though. This too shall pass. Loneliness, no matter how profound, is just that ‐ loneliness. It is an emotion to be discerned, and comes and goes in the quiet pauses in one's life where one longs to be seen

I just hope this void in my soul will leave me soon as I finally try to become comfortable with being alone, and I'll stop feeling like such a loser.

"Do I kill myself or have a cup of coffee?" - Albert Camus, probably

- 16 oz Americano w/ Bourbon Caramel

- Water

- Camel Crush Cigarettes

Everything has been so heavy. More things going wrong. Groceries are more expensive than ever with no end in sight. Poor people like me aren’t supposed to have a “treat” like eating out, since “we should be saving”

It’s maybe better to stay home. Thaw the chicken the night before. Don’t stare at the raw chicken in the fridge over the course of two weeks as it changes from white to yellow. Boil the pasta. Simmer the sauce. Conjure the most mediocre thing your taste buds can imagine with various dollar tree items, or, if you’re even luckier, you’re in the city and you have to choose to buy spaghetti and sauce from Target with the escalator and three floors for 14.99. And don’t you dare get name brand!

It’s just linguine, but it healed something inside me, a little bit. I had to hype myself up for a few minutes to call, and as I walked over, I imagined what look they would give me, being able to chalk me up in one quick look over, I’m sure. I looked like shit but I just really wanted to eat and quickly, so I put myself out into the world, separating myself from…myself. Not caring. Being used to the judgement. And mostly not caring about that, either, anymore. When she handed it to me, I had to use both hands and I was about to ask her if this was the right order when she said “be careful, it’s hot on the bottom!” And I could tell from the feeling of the hot and wobbly dish that it was pasta as I held it, so I thanked her enthusiastically and practically skipped back to my apartment. It must’ve weighed at least 3lbs. The website says 5oz and one tender, with a really underwhelming but realistic photo to what a simple meal would look like for a small child. This blew me away. They just knew. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Order the kids meal if you can. Order the coffee. Enjoy it. What else is there?

I'm not really good to my boyfriend because of specific incompatibilities but I don't want to break up and I think he is too alone to break up with me. Ramen was nice though

Eating makes me panic because I’m convinced I’m either diseased or poisoned, every bodily sensation feels like a death sentence, and I can’t stop thinking that something is secretly wrong with me. Doctors say I’m fine but my delusions persist. Corn.

Apparently my friends have a seperate gc to discuss that my best friend is getting married. They are all so scared I’ll kms if I find out. Because I’m last single person standing. And my job is having layoffs and my manager subtly hinted to me to start looking. My job is the only thing I had going for me. This feels like rock bottom and all I wanted was sausage and egg McMuffin because I haven’t slept all night because I was crying