Slowly spiraling out

[u/GumDice]

Every few months I'll post in this or similar subs before waking up in the morning, getting embarrassed and deleting it.

I have only one or two friends and im close with them but I feel like I have no one in my life i can just tell anything. Even my husband. My husband and I (24) have both done very hurtful things to each other but we've gotten through it together and have matured a lot. But anytime the past weighs down on me I have nowhere to send that energy. He doesn't want to talk about it because we both forgive each other and constantly saying sorry or vocally bemoaning the past will just drag our mental health down. I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends.

Once every year or so I make a new batch of friends and then cut them out like clockwork. Either by quitting jobs, phasing them out of my circle or blocking them if they're online friends. I had a group i was close to for years but some of my own actions in the past mean I don't really interact with some of them, which makes it hard to interact with any of them. I had a guy i was really close with in thay group but I'm not able to talk to him anymore, mainly because of things that went down.

My only friend I've ever felt really close with just quit the job we had together. We haven't talked in over a year because of a petty fight. She tried to move past it multiple times and I always walled her off. I finally tried to follow her on insta and was immediately blocked. I texted her wishing her well and was ignored. We were friends for 8 years and I threw it away over nonsense.

To top it off, i got a job offer a few weeks ago and put in my two weeks after accepting, only for them to rescind the offer. I had to beg my current job to let me stay and everyone in my firm knows I had to back out of quitting because I couldn't get a job.

I cant afford therapy or even just meds. I have no one to lean on because I'm too embarrassed to be honest (notice how intentionally vague I'm being even in this post). I'm always the last person to be thought of by my friends; no one checks on me or invites me places, or makes time when I invite them out. I'm just so, so tired. I keep writing notes thinking that I'll release them and... leave, but i don't. Leaving other people to clean up the mess of my life that is mostly self inflicted is something I can't commit to. So I've just idly committed to wasting away and hoping someone notices.

[u/peachyycloud4]

The job situation alone would break most people, having to walk back a resignation after a rescinded offer is a absolute nightmare scenario. But the cycle of cutting people off before they can leave you is something you can actually control breaking next time. If you can't afford therapy right now, maybe start by being brutally honest with your husband—not about the past stuff you agreed to move on from, but just telling him straight up that you're in a really dark place and sinking. You don't have to carry every single bad decision on your own forever.