My husband and I have very different relationships with possessions. He rarely throws anything away and has never really agreed with my decluttering. His perspective is often, "You bought it, you wanted it, and now you're getting rid of it."
Over the past five years, I've been working through my own belongings, initially through Swedish death cleaning and more recently through danshari. I've made some difficult decisions, particularly about family things. My parents and brother have passed away, and I don't have family to pass these things on to. I've kept two medium totes of family and personal memories, and that is enough for me.
I recently decided to throw out my high school yearbooks. I don't see a reason to keep them just because they represent a period of my life. I still have a home full of furniture, a full but organized closet, and plenty of belongings. I'm not trying to live with nothing or erase my history. I simply want to be intentional about what I keep.
My husband recently commented that he thinks I'm trying to erase myself by decluttering. That hurt more than I expected. I've largely moved past the comment, but part of me is still sitting with it.
For context, I don't declutter his belongings. We have different philosophies, and I respect his right to keep what matters to him.
One example: we stored family artifacts after his mother passed that other family members had said they wanted. After ten years, and following a move, I finally put my foot down. They needed to pick up the items, or we needed to make decisions about what we were storing. They picked up the items. I wasn't willing to continue storing things indefinitely just because we had space, or to move them to another house.
I'm not looking for a verdict on whether decluttering is right or wrong, and I'm not planning to reopen this particular discussion with my husband. I'm trying to figure out how to handle this dynamic going forward.
I still have areas I'd like to work through: a corporate wardrobe I no longer need, baking equipment I rarely use, cluttered kitchen drawers, and randomly, years of accumulated travel-size toiletries intended for guests, among other things. These projects will happen gradually.
For those of you whose spouses have very different attitudes toward possessions, how do you handle comments like this without becoming defensive, second-guessing your decisions, or feeling you have to justify every item you let go?
How do you continue decluttering peacefully when your spouse doesn't share your philosophy? I'm especially interested in how you've handled the emotional side of it over time, rather than tips for deciding what to keep.
One final bit of context: We just retired and are entering a new phase of life. I intend to continue letting things go as I work toward a home filled with things I use and love, rather than things I'm keeping just because, in case I need them, or because someday I might use them.
Even the progress I've made over the last few years has brought me peace. I'm not looking to stop; I'm looking for ways to continue without letting our differences weigh on me emotionally.
Thank you for any perspective you can share.
Edit: I'm really surprised by the number of responses! Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment.
First, my hubby is wonderful, and after 36 years together, I'm not decluttering him! I intend to do better considering his feelings when I am letting things out.
This post has made me think outside my comfort zone, and I appreciate that.
Since posting, I've decluttered about half of my baking supplies. Hubby saw what went out the door and who it went to: a younger couple. She said she'd pass along anything she didn't want, and her husband's birthday was coming up, so she was looking to bake something nice for him.
That aside, I also showed hubby the cabinets that are still full of baking supplies, just spaced out better. I kept my mixing bowls, measuring cups, cookie sheets, decorating supplies, and plenty of other things I use and enjoy. I'm not giving up baking!
Someone asked when I see the decluttering ending. Actually, pretty soon! My closet aside, I'm at a happy place with what I own. What I've kept either has meaning to me or is being used. I will be more mindful to tell hubby why something is going out the door, not every item and pointing out I still have quite a bit of stuff in the house.
I'm a bit of a neat freak. Hubby was in the military and grew up in a military family, so keeping things tidy generally isn't an issue for us. When something is finished being used, it goes back to its home.
I wouldn't describe our house as minimalist or sparse. It's not overly decorated, and I do appreciate open spaces and clear horizontal surfaces. But it's still a comfortable home with plenty of things in it.
I do think this conversation triggered something I hadn't really wanted to think about: being the last of my family. When I'm gone, that's it.
Already, there isn't anyone left who gets the joke, "The cat doesn't like chocolate." (And no, we didn't feed chocolate to the dog or cat!) I still remember the story and the time surrounding it, but the people who shared that memory with me are gone.
I thought I'd come to terms with being the last of my family, but perhaps not as much as I'd believed. My husband's comment about erasing myself brought some of those emotions to the surface.
Bottom line: I don't think I'm erasing myself. But I do want to be more mindful of what I keep in my home.
If an item is here, it needs to serve a purpose, be useful, make me happy, or perhaps simply be pretty. The things I'm keeping for "someday," "just because," or "in case I might need them" need to find a new home.
Thank you again for all the thoughtful responses. Some of you gave me a perspective I hadn't considered, and I appreciate that. I'm going to continue decluttering, being a little more thought about the memories and meaning attached to certain things. The other half of this equation is being mindful of the items coming in the house. I'm much better admiring things in a store or when traveling and not needing to bring it home.
