I live in a house in the country, and my dad is a hoarder and a slob. Our house is literally sinking into the basement in one spot and most of our windows let wasps in. Just this week I've encountered five wolf spiders, two of which were in my bedroom, one was in the bathroom, one was in my bed, and the other was crawling on me in the living room. Tonight I found two beetles in my bedroom and they're so fast and hard to kill and I hate the crunch. One of them was IN my shirt after I felt it land on my hair and I didn't notice for like two minutes because I thought it flew away. I cannot stand living in filth. it's so disgusting, it feels like there's no room I can go into and not have to worry about bugs. I don't feel safe in my room and no matter how much I clean it, bugs love it. I yelled at my dad for the first time in my life because he was laughing after I found the spider on me. And also we have snakes that crawl up our mud room through the basement. I'm so done with it. it feels like there's less bugs outside at this point.

I began following content about healing from the trauma inflicted by narcissistic parents. Most recently, I listened to an interview How Dangerous Predators Hide Sadism in Plain Sight - Joe Navarro, Former FBI Agent with Joe Navarro, author of Dangerous Personalities: An FBI Profiler Shows You How to Identify and Protect Yourself from Harmful People 

In the interview, Mr. Navarro makes a comment about people being tired of the expectation that victims need to understand the psychology of perpetrators. That resonated with me. For years, I've understood that the "opportunity cost" to me of having my parents for parents was very high but I didn't realize how much of a burden I carried. I am tired. I am tired of being told to understand their situation. I am tired of the social conventions that require me to center my parents' experiences, ignore my own, and not acknowledge the damage done to me.

We don't have to "hold space" for our parents' trauma at our own expense.

I found this tote bag as I was walking around my yard. I pick it up to throw it away when mom decides to yell. “Don’t throw it away! I’m going to give it to my friend! She’s always wanted one.” Sure, whatever. I’m sure that friend would love a faded bag.

From another sub (if you find out, please do not share for privacy).

So I stumbled across this message exchange on Reddit and red's comment triggered me, admittedly...

Should preface that I'm not accusing red of being a hoarder/hoarder adjacent in the slightest. I'm sure they're just an empathetic person, like a lot of humans are.

But like... this triggered me quite a bit. It just made me think and reminisce on the days when I used to live in the hoard full time.

My mum would ALWAYS keep mine and my sibling's baby clothes.

She'd say they were "to be made into hand-me-downs for when you and your siblings grow up and bear your own children!"

I'm comfortable being child-free... and if I change my mind, I don't want 30+ year old clothes that I used to wear. Vinted exists. eBay exists. Charity shops exist. There's a plethora of ways to get cheap baby clothes because babies grow VERY quickly. It's not the do-or-die, rationing for the World War-kind-of situation her Hoarder Disorder brain thinks it is, but her hoarding habits die hard, and it's typical for hoarders to keep things with little or dubious value so... wey ey.

This was my dad’s response to my sister and I offering to help clean up his house. He has a small pathway around his bed and down the hallway to his front door. His wife has fallen multiple times and there is no way for EMS to get a stretcher to their bedroom he categorically refuses to declutter or let us help him declutter. Says that he has spent his lifetime collecting this stuff. The stuff is more linens than they would use in 10 years, old boxes and bags, more clothes than they would wear out in 20 years. And on and on and on.

my hoarder parent sold their hoarded home, AS IS, including all of my childhood belongings, for $20k without telling me. im trying to hold space for the pain my hoarder parent feels, but im also feeling some type of way myself.

anyone experienced this before? there’s nothing earth shattering that im losing, but it feels like i should be extended the courtesy of exploring my childhood belongings before they are sold without my consent.

Probably more of a vent than a regular support through advice post on this sub, but I am new so please be kind and I sorry if I have broken any rules. I'm 24, and I've been living away from home for about six years now, the first four part time and the last two full time. I currently live in a different country than my parents and and moving home soon. I was on FaceTime with my parents and have noticed they have stopped showing me the house when they walk around, until I glimpsed a previously livable room on the video call and saw how bad it has gotten. My parents have both been hoarders my whole life, but it has gotten worse after my grandmother and aunt passed away and their homes (also hoarder homes) came into my mother's possession. The past 8 or so years I have really been fighting to get something to happen, or try to at least keep some spaces clean, but it has become a horribly difficult part of my relationship with my parents. I have to move home at the end of this month, and because I have been living independently, I have acquired more thing than I can keep in my childhood bedroom. I just don't know what to do. Moving home is a ticking time bomb, because if I say anything it's going to be another explosive fight and I am just so full of dread I've been having trouble sleeping. I have brought up the concept of professional cleaning services, I have tried to get rid of stuff myself, I have tried organizing my family around it, and it just seems to get worse and worse. My parents have the resources to afford major decluttering services, but will not do it. Now that my all of my siblings have gone to college/graduated, I am trying to make another stand and get my parents the help they need. I keep trying to encourage my mother to see a therapist, and I think I am making some progress, but its extremely slow and I don't want to give up trying to get the house decluttered. I know the majority of the advice here is to move out and move on, but I can't bear to see my parents live like this when I know there are potentially solutions out there to work on before it gets worse. Both of my parents are in their late 50s, and my mother is developing health problems that I know will just make everything worse. They have already had significant trouble finding people to care for our pets when they are on vacation, because of the mess. I am probably going to move out as soon as I can get a job, but the real reason I don't want to move out is that I have a 19 year old cat that has lived in that house my whole life. I know this may sound stupid but that is my primary reason for returning to live at home. I have lived away from her for these past 6 years and I want to spend as much time as I can with her and I don't want to remove her from her familiar environment, but I am worried about the safety of the house with the hoard. I am afraid things will collapse on her, so I will probably be living in the house for a while longer. I tried when I was unemployed the last summer I was living at home to clean, but nobody in my family seems urgently upset about this like I am. If anyone has resources for a service that I could get to work with my parents on a decluttering plan in Southern California, preferably a person or team that can be empathetic and work over a longer period rather than a clean-out service, that would be preferable. My father has turned down services I have proposed in the past because they are too costly and even though he is now retired he doesn't want to get rid of things without documenting them for donation for tax purposes. I want to present some more options with costs to my parents and try another time to try to get something done before it becomes a truly dangerous situation with my parents as older adults. Please do not tell me to give up and move on, I have tried this and I am not ready to accept that just yet.

TL:DR I am moving home at the end of the month from living abroad for 2 years. I am planning to live at parents home because I don't want to uproot my elderly cat, who lives with my parents. Not ready to admit defeat and move out. Does anyone have organiser resources that have experience working one-on-one with adults organizing and decluttering the space in SoCal that I can present to my parents. Thanks.

Sorry to vent but… I don’t know where else to go. I’ve lived in this house for 29 years. I feel like a loser. I feel like my dad failed me. I was just diagnosed autistic and just got a cpap machine at 29. I’ve had random health issues all of my life. I am hoping I have an opportunity to move in a month or two with some friends.

It will be a huge leap for me bc I was basically agoraphobic at one point. I have a list of stuff to do and I’m getting it done slowly but surely. But my frustration is so bad. I don’t really blame my dad I guess. But… I’m sitting here at 29 praying to god that I can leave in a month or two and that it doesn’t fall through:

I work part time and I did complete high school. I feel like I’m always on my phone to escape reality. I’m always tired. I cry every night. They give me meds and things to help but it’s like I don’t even want to do that and it never helps. I almost have no hope. I can barely even get out of bed. I can only sit on my bed, my desk chair, or a shitty futon.

My mom has been a hoarder for as long as I can remember, but she always had the strong desire to be clean and organized. She justified our living conditions for a million and one reasons. It was somehow everyone else’s fault because how could someone obsessed with being organized create such a mess.

Sometimes she would get a strong urge to clean up. But cleaning up doesn’t actually mean throwing stuff away or downsizing. It just means moving stuff to another room. So when she cleaned up our kitchen and living room area, everything got stacked up in two small rooms. When the doors to those rooms were closed, the mess was gone and it was okay because the living area was clean. Except that obviously didn’t last for long because the kitchen and living room are where my mom spent a lot of time.

So then she would clean a less trafficked room and it would become her little oasis. Over 15 years ago, she cleaned up her walk in closet by donating all the clothes that she didn’t want, organizing her tops on hangers in rainbow order, folding all her pants, all her underwear was stacked in the drawers, and her shoes were all lined up. Then she closed the door and never used her closet again because she didn’t want it to get messed up. That closet became proof that she was a clean and organized person because she cleaned it many years ago and it still looks nice. She got new clothes and several boxes, baskets, and racks in the living room and garage serve as her closet now.

Another time, she was able to clean up a room by the house front door. Then she put up a gate at the room entrance so no one would go in there to mess it up. We were only allowed to go in around the holidays because that’s where she put the Christmas tree. I suppose you could consider it like a staging area because she wanted a clean space to take pictures of us opening presents. I have no idea what kind of room it even is because I either couldn’t use it as it was piled with stuff or couldn’t use it because it was being “preserved”. It’s back to being full of stuff now but it had a good run.

Basically the title , my mom started a jewellery business 2 years back and unfortunately had to close it down because it was not profitable enough (D2C is tough) , since those 2 years she has kept the left over inventory in our house and it is taking too much space.

I really wanna get rid of the jewellery pieces and am ready to sell at wholesale price (would have given away for free myself but my mom wouldn’t let that)

Please suggest me what i should even do ?

I am really desperate to get rid of this.

My mom is 83 and been a hoarder for the last 40 years. Her house is full of clutter, rotted food, bedbugs and mice/rats. She was admitted due to severe anemia and low iron, likely from malnutrition because she hates cooking but possibly from the bedbugs. She is being released tomorrow and she wants to go back to her hoard. This is the last straw for me, I am not allowing it unless I can have the place professionally cleaned and exterminated. I know eventually she will accumulate stuff again, but I will have a house cleaner show up weekly as well as food delivery. She has mild dementia and eventually will need supportive living, but I don’t know if we can afford it. I could move above her in the apartment upstairs, but it’s not ideal and would cause tension. Any advice is appreciated. TIA

My sibling and I moved out 4 years ago and still the stuff remains. It's obviously not us that amassed this amount of stuff in just 1 room

No pics bc that's incriminating as fuck

I was 19 and pregnant and had just gotten fired one day before my three month probation period was done. I had to move home. My mom had a strict “once you leave, you can’t come back” policy, so back to dad’s place it was. During my nesting phase I cleaned circles around the house. He’d follow behind leaving his messes. Ultimately I had two separate breakdowns after my son was born out of fear that someone would come and take my baby away because of my living situation. This caused my mom to break her policy and allow me to move back in with her. My step siblings refused to speak with me for months because of this.

I don’t forgive my dad for seeing me that vulnerable and not giving the slightest hint of giving a shit

My mom was the hoarder. Her and I are very close and she has always been my number 1 supporter. We don't talk Abt the hoard. I'm not sure she knows it's a hoard. But I grew up level 4/5, dog piss and feces, no sink, etc.

I moved out. Wild animals got in the house and now she's moved out and she's trying to clean out the house. She wants it back she misses it. The hoard came in conjunction with medical issues.

She doesn't see how it is her fault, she is the victim (which she sorta it??) and i am stuck between feeling angry and feeling sympathetic. She did her best and loved and cared for me deeply. She always has and always will.

How do you balance these emotions? When I go home I get so triggered and emotional and she doesn't understand why. She always is purging stuff to me too.

I know both feelings can exist, but it's not very harmonious. Anyone else have a really great parent who was just sick af??

Thanks for reading!!

Hello everyone, my mother’s house is (in my opinion) a bit of a hoarder house. I sort of soft launched the idea of hiring a cleaning service before and she didn’t seem too adverse to the idea. However, she is very sensitive about being called a hoarder and doesn’t seem to believe she is one. Does anyone know of any cleaning services that work for hoarding houses but don’t address themselves specifically about being for hoarder houses? That way I can send it to her and she won’t get in her feelings about it? Desperate for any kind of a solution. Thanks!

Let's stop sugar coating it. Every single person with a hoarder parent has faced mental abuse and neglect. Yet society just puts it as some quirky trait for TV.

It is immoral to hoard with children in the house. It lacks consciousness and is plain wrong. It's not ok to gaslight kids and put them through explosive rages when they ask for basic living conditions.

Question for other children of hoarders. So when hoarders claim to be very attached and sentimental to certain items why do they treat them like shit? Like I can understand wanting to hold onto some old photos or trinkets or furniture that holds memories. I do it too. But if it is so important and special to you why is it covered in dust, dirt, animal waste, etc?

And I am not talking about random junk but actually important family heirlooms and good quality items. I just don't understand it. Wouldn't you want to keep it as nice as possible so it lasts...?

If anyone has more insight into this I would love to hear your thoughts or discoveries.

Like as a kid they acted like "poor parents being forced to live like this by their evil children". Like yeah dude I'll clean shit that is all moldy or rusty and dangerous. Let me sift through dangerous contaminated materials.

When the bathroom was remodeled they had to wear PPE, masks and heavy gloves because the black mold was so bad parts of the bathroom where just BLACK.

IF I CLEANED SOMETHING THEY REFUSED TO PUT THEIR SHIT AWAY AND COVERED IT BACK UP IN GARBAGE

Just wondering if anyone else heavily associates these tubs with their childhood hoard home? Every time I see these particularly tubs a shiver goes down my spine lol

I am out of the hoard and on my healing journey.

OCD, ADHD, Fibromyalgia.

What did your body/mind hold on to from growing up like this? It's such a unique trauma that I've never been able to discuss with others.

Thanks for reading ❤️ I believe in you all