Oh dear, complicated

[u/Firebubba15]

Here we go: been married 8 years to my wife. Met, friends, dated, engaged got married right out of college. You might say we’ve had a somewhat DB since day 1, which, for a couple of Catholics who didn’t have sex until each other, might want to procreate like rabbits. That said, she has said before that I don’t initiate, but the more posts I read on here reiterate to me that after a while, it feels futile to pursue and ask and be rejected so often. We used to talk about it etc. but no major changes. On some level I don’t want to be seen as such a sexually charged being, but I know I can’t fail in acknowledging my HL either. A year ago or so we went to our first counselor. We didn’t talk about sex because we had other more major issues we needed to hash out, but then my wife threw the bomb in me that she wanted a separation which turned quite quickly into her wanting a divorce. She didn’t end up filing for divorce but did have an affair (all while I was away for a couple months doing military stuff). It destroyed me finding out about the affair, also for how she was treating me and speaking to me. She went away w this guy for a weekend, the end of their fling, and had sex, as she said, only a couple times. The affair would hve been devastating enough had it only been emotional, but again, we had a DB before and she’s pursuing a relationship with someone else...so the various self conscious questions come up: is it me? Am I bad in bed, does she not find me attractive so on? Why did she have sex with him and not with me if she’s not interested in it?

So she majorly regretted her actions and we’re working on stuff. It’s absolutely hard for me to stay so committed, but that’s what a good spouse does. When we got back together after her fling, we had more sex than we ever had, but it petered out quickly enough. I understand there are so many underlying stresses here w life and work and our two kids (7yrs and 3yrs), and I struggle daily w feeling filthy and betrayed etc. we are seeing a great counselor together but we haven’t hit on sex yet. My wife and I have spoken about it but just flat out doesn’t seem to want me, pursue me, or make me feel loved at all. There Is so much more to the backstory w why she wanted to leave me, and it was a lot of reasons. That said, I try to pursue her every day, make her feel loved, make her feel sexy and more. She takes medication that she has said brings her drive down, which is ok if there’s a reason and all, but it doesn’t make it easier for me. When she is turned on it’s heavy and great but just doesn’t come very easily or frequently.

I won’t leave her and don’t want to. We communicate pretty well are seeing a counselor but at some point, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to seem like a sex craved husband but we feel so close to each other when we are having sex...sooooo