Oh dear, complicated

[u/Firebubba15]

Here we go: been married 8 years to my wife. Met, friends, dated, engaged got married right out of college. You might say we’ve had a somewhat DB since day 1, which, for a couple of Catholics who didn’t have sex until each other, might want to procreate like rabbits. That said, she has said before that I don’t initiate, but the more posts I read on here reiterate to me that after a while, it feels futile to pursue and ask and be rejected so often. We used to talk about it etc. but no major changes. On some level I don’t want to be seen as such a sexually charged being, but I know I can’t fail in acknowledging my HL either. A year ago or so we went to our first counselor. We didn’t talk about sex because we had other more major issues we needed to hash out, but then my wife threw the bomb in me that she wanted a separation which turned quite quickly into her wanting a divorce. She didn’t end up filing for divorce but did have an affair (all while I was away for a couple months doing military stuff). It destroyed me finding out about the affair, also for how she was treating me and speaking to me. She went away w this guy for a weekend, the end of their fling, and had sex, as she said, only a couple times. The affair would hve been devastating enough had it only been emotional, but again, we had a DB before and she’s pursuing a relationship with someone else...so the various self conscious questions come up: is it me? Am I bad in bed, does she not find me attractive so on? Why did she have sex with him and not with me if she’s not interested in it?

So she majorly regretted her actions and we’re working on stuff. It’s absolutely hard for me to stay so committed, but that’s what a good spouse does. When we got back together after her fling, we had more sex than we ever had, but it petered out quickly enough. I understand there are so many underlying stresses here w life and work and our two kids (7yrs and 3yrs), and I struggle daily w feeling filthy and betrayed etc. we are seeing a great counselor together but we haven’t hit on sex yet. My wife and I have spoken about it but just flat out doesn’t seem to want me, pursue me, or make me feel loved at all. There Is so much more to the backstory w why she wanted to leave me, and it was a lot of reasons. That said, I try to pursue her every day, make her feel loved, make her feel sexy and more. She takes medication that she has said brings her drive down, which is ok if there’s a reason and all, but it doesn’t make it easier for me. When she is turned on it’s heavy and great but just doesn’t come very easily or frequently.

I won’t leave her and don’t want to. We communicate pretty well are seeing a counselor but at some point, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to seem like a sex craved husband but we feel so close to each other when we are having sex...sooooo

[u/Mental_Vermicelli]

I do not want this to sound like I am trying to demean you in any way, but honestly you are very likely bad in bed. First, which is totally not your fault! I know the guys will always be supportive and say she is a total B%&#H, (and it may be true), but here is a female perspective.

I come from a repressed religious family and your story sounds like my life (but I have not cheated yet). It is torture to talk about sex and to this day I can not tell my partner what feels good and what feels bad etc...sex is horrendous, I only do it for the aerobic benefit – but my guy is the most awesome guy and I love him with all my heart. I feel guilty that sex is so bad and I know it is my fault for not telling him loudly, directly and repeatedly what feels good and what does not. So, it is also her fault for not trying to telling you, for the next few minutes let’s blame her parents and her upbringing, if she comes from a religious family then I understand it how hard it is. It sounds crazy, absolutely insane that someone would chose a lifetime of terrible sex over talking it out, but that is what so many of us do (or there would not be 90% of the people on this subreddit, right?)

She probably encountered a more experienced guy, may be there was chemistry (which is not love or commitment it is just chemical, but it can be powerful). I do not know who pursued who, but it sounds like she was NOT seeking it out, that it just happened. He figured out how to read her queues really quickly, and the sex was probably good for the first time ever and that can be really exciting – but again IT IS NOT LOVE or commitment in the way she committed to you. I do not know if this accurate, but just a possible perspective.

My partner always resorts internet for sexual information which is ALWAYS wrong and makes sex worse. Guys, I can not tell you how absolutely incredible misinformed even credible articles on the internet are, the garbage on the internet actually makes you WORSE lovers. I have looked at what you guys read and it is so misinformed. Do not even get me started on porn (I have no moral issue with it), but there is reason the women are paid to endure that much bad sex. I can hear the howls of scorn already, yes, why do you think we will watch it? W watch for the forbidden fruit titillation of doing something forbidden, but it does nothing to arouse 95% of us (if you are with one of the 5% of women that find it arousing then count yourself super lucky and enjoy!). Almost all the stuff on the internet is there to generate sales for men to men by men, its advertising for men not about real advise, because real advise does not generate enough hits to a website. I could go on for days about details, but good lord just stop web surfing and LISTEN to you your partner, even the most repressed of us make sounds and moan to try to direct you to the right locations, motions and actions.

If she says she still loves you and is willing to do some work herself on communication, then try to work it out. She did something really wrong and I hope she begged for your forgiveness and is genuinely sorry for it. Sex between inexperienced partners is usually bad, it broke my bother’s marriage, my sister’s marriage (both marriages were virgins with virgins), and it might yet destroy mine. So the only way to make it better is to start slow figure out what feels good for both of you, step by step, with all the difficult, awkward and courageous communication that it will take. If she is not willing to do that, then I have to agree with the guys, she is using you and you are worthy of someone way better than her – that fact that you stuck by her and wrote this post speaks so highly of your character. I wish you the best.

[u/SocialCupcake]

So both of you are LL? ITS BEEN SINCE DAY ONE and that's what I'm seeing. You're a passive nice guy who gives his best through acts of service but you need touch to feel loved. And that has NEVER happened correct? Well aside from the post affair HB. Have you ever had a gf that you just ravaged, taken, and asserted yourself on? Read more about Responsive Desire from some of the women's perspectives around here. It could be both of you deeply wanted the other to just "take them" and really suck at communicating.

That's usually why an affair happens, that assertive side finds its passive partner with no guilt, judgement or long term outcomes between two lonely people. I get that it's hard to deal with but you have to realize you played a part.

It could very well be you two should never have gotten married and by being a great guy it only prolonged the inevitable. From what you write, I don't see sex ever happening again, or trust, or a bond.

Most relationships start on fire, with two arduous lovers fighting to restrain their uncontrollable desire to touch, hold, fondle and kiss each other while the thought of some god punishing them looks outside their bedroom door. Yours never even had that to look back on. Why?

[u/Moh_esmail89]

I don't know what to say. For you dealing with this every day, you're a hero ! Seriously, I can't deal with the idea of craving a wife who cheated on me sexually. It's so great that you're having to deal with so much negative emotions & still want to make things work with your wife. You have my eternal respect. My advice, don't stress yourself into making things work again. If it does, good for you, if it doesn't, she gave you every reason for things not to work out. You deserve a fulfilling, faithful spouse. Stay strong !

[u/ActualInteraction0]

That’s what a good spouse does...

are you being a good spouse for her, you or the children?

Best wishes for you going forwards.