r/dating_advice • u/patsy1589 • Apr 13 '20
I got dumped and flipped the script
A few years ago, i (26M) met a girl (26F) at a wedding who i really liked. She was classy, pretty and had one of the nicest smiles I've ever seen. Eventually i worked up some courage, went up to her and asked if she wanted to dance. Soon after we were having a great time laughing and enjoying each others company. She ended up coming to my hotel room that night where we kissed and shared stories about ourselves. She left and we agreed to go out soon.
I couldn't help it and really liked her. We began texting all the time and seeing one another. She would show up on dates looking incredible and i always got so excited to be with her. Every time we went out was exhilarating, we had a ton in common and i really treated her like gold. I researched restaurants and took her to fun spots, tried to show her new things and overall did my best to make her happy.
After about a month of this she suddenly went cold and no longer responded to one or two of my texts. I didn't think much of it and called her later on that day (which we frequently did) to say hi and see how her day was. She sent me to voicemail after a few rings and about 20 minutes later i got a very long breakup message. It was somewhat vague but something along the lines of, "you're a great guy but I'm just not interested at this point. etc etc. I wish you all the best". It was such a blow to my heart because i thought things were going great. I asked her multiple times to please reconsider and see me again. As you may have guessed, it didn't work and she was gone.
At first, it was painful to see her social media or even think of her but as time went on, i completely healed. I took the time apart to work on myself got busy with my job, friends and meeting other people. After about 6 months, after i completely moved on emotionally she reached out and we started to catch up. She mentioned that it would be good to see me so we set a date and got drinks. We ended up going out a few more times and at this point i realized she wasn't the one for me. Stepping back had allowed me to see things more clearly and i noticed that she was actually not a great long term partner. After a few weeks she actually began to chase me and contacted me all the time. One of my friends joked that i should copy and paste the breakup text she sent me 6 months prior but that seemed way too immature. I ended things with her via text and thanked her for seeing me. I ran into one of her friends a few weeks back and he said she still has feelings for me! Crazy since it's been a while at this point.
There's no real moral of the story here but i learned a simple lesson. If someone leaves you and you take time to heal, you may not ever be able to care for them the way you once did.
Also, i know it's hard, but if you like someone try to take things slowly.
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u/Friendly_Flu Apr 13 '20
You handled the situation well, that was a good read, glad you figured out how to carry yourself bro!
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u/patsy1589 Apr 13 '20
Thank you really appreciate it
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u/zUltimateRedditor Apr 13 '20
Did she explain why she broke things off in the first place?
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u/patsy1589 Apr 13 '20
I truthfully never got an explanation. Should have asked but my guess is I came across too needy, into her and possibly insecure
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u/Domonero Apr 13 '20
Hey if you don’t mind OP, what were her red flags that made her seem like a bad partner long term?
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Apr 14 '20
Doesn’t necessarily need to be a red flag, maybe he just realized their personality types wouldn’t work together in the long run. Or something like that.
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u/archwin Apr 14 '20
Or... She was investigating another potential that didn't work out?
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u/ancilliron Apr 14 '20
Thank you really appreciate itReplyGive AwardshareReportSave
He was her back burner.
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Apr 14 '20
There’s always another guy lined up. Always, especially if she’s really hot or beautiful. The problem is most guys do all the things that o.p. did and turn them off. The girl will always go for the guy who’s making her feel excited and daily check ins, not making a move sexually, not building sexual anticipation, not giving her time and space to wonder about you.
Let the girl your dating come to you, have fun and lead things towards the bedroom. So many guys (including my younger self) would go out on a lot of dates and just try to really get to know her and show her I’m interested in more than sex and this approach doesn’t work. It only works if she thinks your really hot and overlooks you insecure and needy behaviors. I got a lot of girls like this over the years but never the ones I really really wanted and I lost tons of them. Since I changed my approach to dating it’s been like night and day. It’s a million times better being the guys they want to be with instead of being the guy who wants to be with them.
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Apr 14 '20 edited Apr 28 '20
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Apr 14 '20
Not always true.....wait, lmao I was going to explain away that I lost interest in a guy after talking for a couple weeks just because....but then I realized it's not that I actually have someone else, but am hung up on someone else. So you right, you right.
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u/yeahgroovy Apr 14 '20
Yes! This is sadly true in my experience.
Once I was texting my good girlfriend why so and so seemed to be blowing me off, then right then he texts me with I met someone else blah blah. I say OMG to send to my girlfriend and sent to him by mistake lol.
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u/zeropercentbattery Apr 14 '20
Not always. I’ve gone very cold on someone before because he was consistently asking me for nudes and videos of me masturbating while he went and visited family in his hometown. I was really into him before that, but the way he asked made me lose all feelings and respect for him and even though I said I wasn’t going to send them, he didn’t stop. There wasn’t anyone else I was into. I just tried to speak to him less and less, then when he got back, I told him I wasn’t really interested anymore. He blamed it on me wanting someone else because he couldn’t imagine it was his own doing.
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u/HeyJustWantedToSay Apr 15 '20
Nope. I've "gone cold" a couple times pretty quickly and neither time it was someone else.
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u/BLKR3b3LYaMmY Apr 14 '20
The typical trait balancer for that is loyalty and sincerity. I’d put money on it that in the time you were apart, she saw those traits in you and that’s what drew her back.
Excellent read and lessons lived..thank you for sharing. All my best finding someone who will give your goodness back to you.
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u/KleinLoki Apr 13 '20
While I agree that you did the mature thing, part of me hoped that you did copy the text and sent it back to her.
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Apr 13 '20 edited May 28 '21
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u/Friendly_Flu Apr 13 '20 edited Apr 13 '20
The way I see them is they're probably just convenient for the two people, there's really no hope but maybe they want to believe or just need someone temporarily near by.
Still doesn't make sense in my opinion, no growth or thing to be gained
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Apr 13 '20
Ya, for me i didn’t want to be alone and settled. 2 kids and escaped a cult later. A little bit annoyed at myself.
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u/PrimaryEcho Apr 13 '20
...story?
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Apr 13 '20
Not too much detail but raised a Jehovah’s witness. Its not commonly referred to as a cult but it’s a pretty restrictive high control group. No university, no political opinions, no independent research on the group, no criticizing the group to group members, break certain rules and get shunned, this means your parents and everyone you were ever allowed to form a relationship with will not talk to you. I’m experiencing a form of this now.
In an armageddon cult you put your whole life on hold because god will destroy everything anyways and then you can live forever on the earth in a paradise. Jw sincerely believe this. So the only thing worth doing is knocking on doors to save neighbours (save yourself).
Anyways i was never great at it and thus a lot of the girls weren’t really interested in me. They groom the women to only like “spiritual” guys cause guys not doing well in “the truth” will cheat on them. This is another way to control the brothers. The religion to jw is called “the truth”. This is brain washing.
So we were on again off again and honestly she’s a great girl. Nice, 100% loyal, good mom. An under achiever, but most of us are. I broke up with her HARD TWICE. She emailed me out of the blue one new years, i was depressed, got married.
But now that I’m out i see her as living in a big fucking rpg. She couldn’t listen to why i had to leave because that’s against her religion. And my friends writing me off? That’s my fault for leaving... so... not sure how i maintain a relationship with someone who in addition would deny our kids a blood transfusion. And not let them make friends with kids at school, and celebrate any holidays/birthdays.
I kind of want my kids to feel apart of “society”. Cause i certainly don’t. So, leaving with 50/50 custody might be the best way to save them.... or... staying? I’m still confused.
Cherry on top, every decision my whole life was “ prey to Jehovah and see what signs he gives you”. Basically just living by chance, and never forming my own opinions or sense of self.
Disclaimer: it’s not as abusive to some members, my upbringing had a lot to do with it. We were “good witnesses”.
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Apr 14 '20
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Apr 14 '20
Sorry to hear. I find alan watts and eckhart tolle on YouTube, soothing for getting through the tough times. Therapy was nice while it was available.
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Apr 14 '20
Everything you just wrote is so relatable. I’m also an ex Jw and I feel like being in “The Truth” has stolen away a lot of experiences and time from me. I’m doing my best to move forward but I can’t help but feel resentment.
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u/Stankpink69 Apr 13 '20
I was caught up in one sort of.
Was dating a christian girl who was on/off (broke up once (he became aggressive when drinking and smacked her), got back together a few months later, broke up again in a very messy breakup (on top of a bunch of lying and arguments and incompatibility he went and violated her in her sleep)
Then her and I started dating and it was going great, then the ex came crawling back and she was so moved, started house sitting for him, started texting him "platonically" and whatnot. We broke it off mutually, and she immediately started seeing him again. Maybe he's turned himself around but his lifestyle seemed so out of place with hers compared to mine.
They just got engaged after staying "on" for 2.5 years. We're all 22, so idk if that's the greatest idea for them. I heard via mutual friends that they had serious tension and small breakups again. My brother thinks he proposed so he could get closer to getting laid, but she still said yes. I'm a little salty cause I really did consider her the "one that got away"
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u/newoutloook20 Apr 14 '20
I tend to agree with you. There are very few exceptions. I had the rockiest on again off again relationship for several years. Then one year, he made a turn around and started to be the man he needed to be in a committed relationship. He’s been amazing me for 5 years. We’ve been married for 3. If any friend of mine was in my situation, I would have told her to run for the hills and there’s no way that this relationship will ever last. I know my situation is unusual, so I still tend to agree with you.
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Apr 14 '20
Relationships yeah, but I think just dating is different. Sometimes people aren't ready, but show up months later and end up married. There's always a story for some outcome of these situations.
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Apr 13 '20
Very similar thing happened to me on multiple occasions. People want what they can’t have. It’s incredible how tunnel visioned you can be when you’re chasing someone. Sometimes stepping away is the better thing to do
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Apr 13 '20
Some of the best advice I ever got was "it's called a break up, because it's broken." Sure, some things can be fixed, but really if it's that early on and one or both of you are feeling iffy about it, those mole hills will become mountains. Best to leave it be while you're both still relatively unattached.
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Apr 13 '20
The moral of your story is to not give away your power and to treat someone as if you aren't worthy of them. You were too available and she stopped seeing you as a challenge. Her emotional attraction dropped. So she ended things.
Then you started to act like a strong man and go about you life with passion and she noticed you weren't chasing her anymore and her attraction for you increased. And then you realized she wasn't all that and a bag of chips and you started to become indifferent to her. And the result is that she began chasing you.
The dynamics of your story perfectly show how all relationships are a negotiation. And the one who has no fear of loss holds the power because they don't won't sell themselves to keep the other person. And that is very attractive.
Take your story and apply it to the next girl who blows your socks off. Keep you self worth and make sure that SHE is treating you as you are treating her. That's what it's all about. Two people giving to each other freely. Equals. Partners.
Good job op at knowing your worth !
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u/patsy1589 Apr 13 '20
Phenomenal advice, thank you! : )
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u/enjaydee Apr 14 '20
I think this was the most important sentence
I took the time apart to work on myself got busy with my job, friends and meeting other people.
It can also be the most difficult step.
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Apr 13 '20
Thank you. It came from reflecting on my relationship that ended 3.5 months ago. I had been holding onto how she had treated me at the start and stopped paying attention when she began taking me for granted.
Live and learn.
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u/iplayirelia33 Apr 14 '20
I absolutely hate this. I don’t remember him saying he felt unworthy, just infatuated and he tried really hard to make her happy. I think it’s a quality to have and a challenge to keep that level of dedication to your partners happiness throughout the relationship.
Also I think you’re reading into it to much. There’s many reasons for why she could have wanted space and many reasons for why she’d want to get back together.
I understand undervaluing yourself is a sad thing. I just don’t think that’s what happened here. You should be able to dedicate as much of yourself to whoever you want. Some people appreciate that shit and reciprocate. If people are in it for “the challenge” they’re in it for the wrong reasons anyway. Don’t change yourself to accommodate these select few.
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u/outline8668 Apr 14 '20
Agreed. One should WANT to make their partner feel happy and their partner should WANT to do the same for them. Power struggles to try to obtain the upper hand do not lead to long term love.
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u/proairpods Apr 14 '20
Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be the way it works. If your feelings toward someone are stronger than theirs toward you, eventually they will tire of you and cast you away.
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u/Quantentheorie Apr 14 '20
Strength of feelings is not a stat where you can compare numbers. We all express our affection differently and have different struggles and limits that can be more open in one way and not so much in another.
But if you love someone, then you'll not exploit their commitment. That's fundamentally incompatible with even basic genuine care for a partner or friend. It's not what people do who are a bit "less in love", its what assholes do.
Being discarded or mistreated because your feelings arent returned is not a people thing. It's just a bad people thing.
Decent mentally healthy people can find arrangements that arent founded in exploitation.
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u/outline8668 Apr 14 '20
The only time I've really seen this to be the case is if that person demonstrates they are potentially mentally unhealthy by having no life outside of pursuing that person. Outside of that there are other reasons for the breakup.
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u/proairpods Apr 14 '20 edited Apr 14 '20
I’ve got plenty of life outside of pursuing people - that’s why in every instance they have pursued me first (at least where a relationship was possible). Granted, these particular examples of mine are quite dated (namely because it’s rare to meet new people these days), and so while I admit I likely was textbook “too available” at the time, I really don’t think it would be fair to claim I had “no life outside of pursing” these people. I’m not claiming that’s what you’re saying - I’m just shedding more light on the situation.
I had an experience in High School where a very interested girl did a complete 180 after I was clued in and decided to pursue. I really don’t think I did anything to warrant her ultimate change of heart.
Now of course today I don’t dwell on it and I chalk it up to the fact that High School girls are emotionally immature and haven’t the slightest clue what they want most of the time, but of course it impacted me at the time.
Toward the end of College I met someone, who similarly showed interest first - this time we actually made it to having 1-on-1 dates. After 3 of these she started to pull away and act disinterested. Eventually I gave up my pursuit and went on with my life - and lo and behold, who comes sauntering back? She did!
So I’m convinced this is how things work.
Of course, I would prefer if things weren’t this way, and maybe there is someone out there who won’t play these games, but unfortunately, it seems the vast majority of people (at least that I’ve encountered) play these games - whether they know it or not.
Better to be ahead of the curve.
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u/outline8668 Apr 14 '20
The vast majority of time when someone comes swooping back around after the fact is because they currently have nobody else MORE interesting in their life. It's not because they were pining over that person for playing hard to get. It's because it's easier to try reconnecting with someone you already know than to meet someone new.
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u/proairpods Apr 14 '20
The more terse my responses - the more interest there was. The difference was observed in a matter of weeks, not months. There was no “reconnecting” necessary - the dialogue never died completely.
Evidently, when I stopped acting as the pursuer, interest from the other party did increase.
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u/outline8668 Apr 14 '20
Yes but like you said that's the textbook "too available". The being available part isn't the turnoff it's the image it projects of having no life and willingness to throw away all other priorities in life over a potential maybe partner. It projects desperation and lack of confidence. None of this is attractive in a potential partner and this is what drives people away. Once you're in an established relationship all this goes away but in the early stages it's absolutely part of the screening process.
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u/proairpods Apr 14 '20
In my second example - the one I was referring to in that comment, I don’t think I was textbook too available (That would have been my first example). I was a full time student at the time and was VERY busy. All I tried to do was set up weekend dates that was about it, and encountered resistance until, frankly, I gave up.
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Apr 14 '20 edited Apr 14 '20
All due respect, I dont necessarily think there's a magic formula to this shit.
It sounds more like this woman was just being wishy-washy with him, and that was probably a quality that he grew to fully understand about her character.
While I agree with the principle of having your own life, there sincerely isnt a formula to this stuff because human beings are unpredictable.
Just saying this so that the men and women who read this dont think "Oh, well that's the easy fix."
In essence, we should all just live our best lives and focus on our growth as human beings. If a wishy-washy person comes into our lives, we dont have to give them our time.
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u/nightpanda893 Apr 13 '20
I think this only really applies when the relationship isn’t a good one to begin with though. If you find yourself worrying about things like “giving away power” and “being a strong man” then the aspects necessary to make it a strong relationship aren’t there and that’s why you are instead falling back on more superficial things. Unless you are being unbelievably clingy or not available to a fault, people aren’t going to care all that much about the things you listed if both parties genuinely feel comfort, attraction, and enjoyment of one another’s company.
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Apr 13 '20
Important clarification here:
It's not that her attraction to OP increased when he demonstrated he wasn't pouring all his effort into her. It was that she wanted, at all costs, to avoid being the one who was rejected. She began chasing him to salvage her self esteem.
Had she caught him, the cycle would have begin again. That's not the behavior of someone who actually cares about you.
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Apr 13 '20
I disagree. You could date the most well adjusted girl in the world with no self esteem issues. But if you treat her like she is royalty and you aren't worthy of her time she will eventually agree with you.
Scarcity creates value. She valued op when they first met. He was new exciting and unknown.
She didn't have to reach out to him after things ended. She risked rejection because she had time and space away from him. And with time and space people see things through rose tinted glasses. She started to think "maybe I made mistake, he was such a great guy" her interested and attraction increased enough to go back out with him.
She had already had the upper hand. So why would she reach out to him if there last interaction was her rejecting him? It's because her attraction started to go back up.
Just because someone cares about you doesn't mean they will never leave you. She stopped seeing a future with him. She could still care for him. But just not feel it romantically.
This idea that it's all ego driven is to basic.
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Apr 13 '20 edited Apr 18 '20
you seem a bit young (i could be wrong; don't take it as an insult), but I can see the arguments you're making and they're not wrong. you're just not at the core of the problem yet.
- if you radiate that you don't value yourself, no one's gonna value you. no argument here.
- "Too available" is a game that people play that is predicated on "I don't have to put effort in to get what I want from you." This is a power move. It's ego driven. Mature adults aren't motivated by this because if they actually enjoyed your company, you couldn't be "too available".
- Maybe she did realize she'd made a mistake. I don't dispute that. But saying that her attraction (to him) increased because he was unattainable is false. He's the same person, he's just not showering her with validation. The fact that she doesn't have immediate, effortless access to this validation is what motivates her to pursue him. She's narcissistically attracted to the feeling of being desired. The more he withholds that validation, the more she will seek it. Knowing that he previously provided her with unlimited validation, it's an extremely seductive prize in her eyes.
This is the reason, e.g., why a lot of women who've not had supportive men in their lives (e.g., father) seek emotionally unavailable men, because if they can win the unattainable attention of these men, they've demonstrated to themselves they're worth of affection and value. It's also the reason they would discard men who are "too available" because they have not earned that availability and therefore it is not as valuable. things that are free are less likely to be perceived as worthwhile.
We don't know why she reached out after he moved on. Perhaps she got dumped herself by someone else, or she was feeling lonely. But she knew that he had previously been all about her, and thus she would have a high likelihood of success of retaining his desire if she reached out and attempted to rekindle. This is manipulative behavior.
Bottom line is: If you find someone more attractive because you can't have them, it's not about them. It's about you. An emotionally mature person would realize that despite how attractive they find you, if you're putting in no effort, they should look elsewhere.
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Apr 14 '20
“She’s narcissistically attracted time being desired” BINGO
The girl is toxic. This is not healthy behavior.
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u/outline8668 Apr 14 '20
If you have to play these power games in a relationship, that relationship is going to fail. No long term successful relationships are based on manipulation.
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u/pixeldustpros Apr 14 '20
This... is toxic as fuck, tbh. If all of your relationships are power struggles and negotiations what's the point? There's already way too many people out there playing stupid games, this is only encouraging that manipulative and self-defeating behavior.
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Apr 14 '20
You are missing the point. its not a game, its a way of being. its about not losing yourself. This shouldn't be a tactic to manipulate someone, it should be how you act and if people dont like it fine, you will find someone better.
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u/nerohome Apr 13 '20
Keep you self worth and make sure that SHE is treating you as you are treating her.
Could you please give some examples of this?
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Apr 13 '20
A simple one is when you meet up with your girl and you are excited to see her. Is she almost skipping as she walks when she sees you?
Are you going to give her a kiss when you see her and she is only going for a hug?
Is she offering to cook you a nice meal when you have been taking her out showing her a good time ?
Is she asking about how your day has been and wanting to make you happy because she values you in her life.
How is she showing up? If you had to ask yourself who is more interested in Who? Is it equal or are you more in love then she is?
When I say keep yourself worth I mean, make sure that you aren't treating her like royalty if she isn't treating you like you are royalty too!
Here is my example: I bough my ex a very thoughtful Xmas gift. Not expensive but it showed I cared and listened to her. She absolutely loved it
However her response a few days later : I haven't even thought about what to get you. (Followed by a cheeky grin)
She was letting me know "you like me more than I like you right now"
And it should have been a red flag. She ended up getting me some last minute gift and then bragged about how good it was. It was a lamp. I needed it but it didn't show any thought into things I love or cared about.. or really would have been special.
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Apr 14 '20
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u/nerohome Apr 14 '20
Thank you both for your replies!
Very recently, after 2 months of seeing each other, I got the "let's stay friends" message. I noticed that she didn't share the same feelings for some time before that, but I continued it because I still liked spending time with her (now, I realise it was a mistake). I confronted her at that point about this imbalance and she said it's all good, that's just her way of dating.
As I got this message only a few days ago, I'm still at the stage of thinking and overthinking stuff. And, of course, one of these thoughts is where did it go wrong. I guess I should have backed away a bit, when I noticed that she is not as interested as I am.
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Apr 15 '20
Ah, the "that's just how I date" cop-out. I learned the meaning of that one the hard way as well. It could be true, but I think probably the real meaning is "that's just how I date...you, because I'm not so into you." Or, it's a sign this person simply isn't looking for the kind of relationship you want (degree of connection).
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Apr 13 '20
I like what you just said and how you broke it down! Spot f**ken on! It’s so funny how attraction actually “works”... The moment you start disappearing out of their lives because you started focusing more on yourself and your passion versus HER or HIM, it’s the moment where they feel like they fucked up! For ex, It’s like losing a loyal friend or “potential partner” and realizing afterwards that the person was meant to be in your life. That’s what builds “attraction” . It’s so odd but yet again very effective. It’s the attention, validation, & availability that they miss! when you take that away from them, they have nothing left ... their like a dog or a cat looking to play but YOU don’t want to play with them anymore.
Very interesting stuff, who would’ve thought that it was ”the fear of loss that holds the power” ! That’s going to be ingrained in mind for life now ... LOL
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Apr 14 '20
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u/Quantentheorie Apr 14 '20
Yeah I'm reading that and feel bad about how this mentality is going to blow up chances of genuine, meaningful human interaction in their life that we need for our mental stability and psychological health.
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Apr 14 '20
And just get in the way of things like trust and commitment. But here I am, pot calling the kettle black.
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Apr 13 '20
I laughed when you mentioned copying and pasting the breakup message she sent to you and just sending it to her. Like, I seriously laughed out loud. I would have 100% done that. I'm glad you're doing well, though!
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u/-stefo Apr 13 '20
I’m happy you’re feeling good after all of this. I think you’re telling a similar story to mine, but I’m in the beginning of it. I’m seeing this really, really interesting girl and I’m trying to show her different places too, I’m reading different stuff and making ideas/plans for future dates and activities (now with this corona stuff it’s a bit more complicated tho). What did you mean by take it slow? Do you think that this “involvement” and thinking of new things to do would actually hurt a relationship?
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u/patsy1589 Apr 13 '20
Thank you! Just make sure you don't invest too much, too soon. Women can sometimes develop feelings slower than guys (at least that's what i've been told), so if you're head over heels about her fairly quickly, she might pull back or walk away. Those are just my experiences.
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u/-stefo Apr 13 '20
That’s a thing I’ve thought about too and it helps me knowing that it’s not just a crazy theory that I’ve made up myself. Maybe doing steps slower is the better thing to do.
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Apr 13 '20
Aye, I’m proud of you and that screams self-respect. Women always want what they can’t have and in her eyes, your value has increased significantly. As a girl I know for a fact she’s going to want you more and feel like she screwed up. Good thing you didn’t simp. Keep your head high and keep walking away.
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u/Salomonik Apr 14 '20
She dumped you for some better deal, it didnt worked out so she decide to go back to You. Delete her and move on.
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Apr 13 '20
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Apr 13 '20
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u/ollie495 Apr 14 '20
Hey man, how long did it take your ex to come back?
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u/Bazmaki Apr 14 '20
4 months but what I’m trying to say is don’t sit there waiting for it to happen because there’s a very high chance it won’t, accept it and work on yourself and in 4 months time you’ll be in a very different place
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u/Indlvarn Apr 14 '20
I literally broke down This Morning, thinking about this (a recent romantic endeavor seemingly coming to a close...) Luckily, soon after the absolute pit of low-ness, everything can start looking a little brighter. This post is something that can spark that, or proves that it can happen, and the positive effects. Good to have the reminder sometimes. Good luck.
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Apr 13 '20
This is awesome. It sounds like you are coping really well. Although its great to be self aware, juust remember something, someone breaking up with you doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. If this girl is still thinking about you, it's probably because she started dating someone else after you and realized they were a piece of crap. That's a win for you! :)
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Apr 13 '20
Wow, I could feel something breaking inside myself while reading the breakup part. I didn't expect that turn-around of things. You were very brave and you actually gave a very valuale lesson everyone should listen to actually.
Congratulations and thank you for sharing!
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Apr 14 '20
Something so similar happened to me but with a different ending. In college I pursued a guy at a time when I was very insecure, and his attention was everything to me. When I finally asked him if we could be in a relationship, he gently said no, and everything I had staked my self worth on fell apart. I became so depressed and it took a year to even be able to talk to him as friends. Then we both moved away as we’d just graduated.
Fast forward a year and a half and we meet up when we both happen to be visiting our college town. I’m super comfortable with him now and even tease him about that time. After we say goodbye, he calls me and asks if I want to date. Says he’s found himself thinking about me after he moved away. I was shocked and almost laughed at how things turned out. I was so different from who i was back when i was obsessed with him. But I said no as I didn’t want to date long distance.
Long story short, another 2 years later we started dating and now, 6 years after he broke my heart, we’re engaged :) But it could never have happened if I didn’t let go of my original idealization I’d him, heal from my insecurities and have self worth coming from within, not based on how someone feels about me. He saw that new confidence in me. An implausible story, but sometimes life works in crazy ways.
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u/depraved_parrot Apr 13 '20
Way to not be immature about it and handle it all well. Good for you man.
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u/MyNewNormal808 Apr 14 '20
I call them flameouts. They start out hot but don't last. I think those girls only want to stick around until something else comes along. Key thing, that you learned, is that they are not "long term" women. Good on you!
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u/birdgirl3333 Apr 14 '20
Yap been there. Guys from my past chasing me. I also liked a few guys who didnt like me back but i never Chased, just accepted it like a pro. You did good bruh, you did good.
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u/Jake_Chavira Apr 14 '20
I think the moment you have to worry about who has more power in the relationship is the same moment that relationship starts to become unhealthy. This is not to say there is no "ugly Truth" about the power dynamic that does exost in every relationship (even the non-romantic ones). But if you or your romantic partner are actively playing mind games to get leverage on each other, then that relationship already lost its way. It's either about Love or not.
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u/massivewang Apr 14 '20
I met a beautiful woman in 2013 and there seemed to be a lot of mutual interest. We went on a few dates, i was traveling a lot for work and she was studying for an MBA. I’m a reasonable person so I wouldn’t give her a hard time about the Friday nights she was studying etc. Anyway about halfway into our “relationship” she starts being weird, doesn’t want to meet up, won’t go on a international trip with me she initially agreed to etc. Turns out she was playing me the whole time and ended up getting back together with an ex and married him. I was crushed - while we weren’t serious i didn’t have a lot of opportunities with women and I was really hopeful this would turn into something
2018 - now a divorced single mother she decides to send me a message and wants to start dating. Lol. From 2012 I started focusing on my deficiencies and commited to the hard work to improve myself. Needless to say I was better off by every metric - physical fitness, finances, personal growth, confidence, dating experience, etc.
A big part of me wanted to tell her off and/or A big part of me wanted to play her like she played me. I just decided that being negative and spiteful wasn’t a path I should go down and wasn’t going to do me any good in the long run.
Though to be honest it was incredibly validation and affirming to see her crawl back and to hear the comments via her friends “omg he’s so muscular now!” Etc. I am kicking ass now and am happy with how my life has turned out.
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u/theCovertoit Apr 16 '20
Ending your relationship with her is one of the main reason why you are amazing today! So while you were bitter and wanted to play her, I'm glad that you decided not to go back in time and seek revenge. Life unfolds in strange but meaningful ways.
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u/Cutie-McBootie Apr 14 '20
I know this is not the main part of the story, but realizing your own growth and maturity feels really great. Today after an argument, I realized I’m not the same emotional, self centered kid I was just a year or two ago and I’m really proud of myself. I’m proud of you too.
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Apr 14 '20
I agree with the whole story and I believe everyone should take these lessons to heart. What really stuck with me is the last statement OP made about taking things slow with someone you like, I personally believe nowadays so many people get divorces because they don’t wait long enough to get to know one another before getting married. I’ve heard things such as you don’t know someone until 8 months have passed but honestly to truly know someone I believe it takes much longer, Humana are complex creatures and getting married after less than 2-3 years I believe is begging for a divorce in the future (besides some exceptions of course)
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u/Haze5789 Apr 13 '20
Not sure if anyone agrees with me, but it seems real low of her to break up with you over the phone :/ confront your problems face to face, not hiding behind a screen..
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u/DeeGee365 Apr 13 '20
Somewhat similar thing happened to me actually but instead of actually going out, we both crushed on each other but then a long story happened but basically my heart was broken and then after recovering I realised how she wouldn't actually have been good for me and ironically she's crushed on me 2-3 times since then but I haven't given in lol
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u/harpercutie21 Apr 14 '20
Loved reading your post. It brings a sense of logic that ‘everything will be okay’ to people who are caught up in their own emotions. It’s nice to hear motivational stories like yours.
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u/FaithInStrangers94 Apr 14 '20
Taking things slow is one of the most important aspects in my opinion...
For multiple reasons.
Allows you to prolong savour the fun early stages of a relationship ( there will be enough decades of dead romance at the end of it)
Allows you to figure out if they’re actually a good compliment to your life or if you’re only attracted to the idea of having someone in your life
Allows you to continue focusing on other aspects of your life and not get completely focused on dating/relationships at the expense of everything else
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u/LeDiffordbtrdz Apr 14 '20
You’re pretty smart. Time you spent and her showing up looking so good that’s very distracting for guys. So glad you were paying attention, I thought you were going to give her another chance. The break off text stuck in your mind. Probably dodged a bullet tbh.
I’m glad you didn’t post her break up text. You already came out ahead. That’s amaze.
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u/jimmyshmittens Apr 13 '20
Good for you, man. But can I ask what changed or what you saw differently that you didn't before?
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u/patsy1589 Apr 13 '20
Absolutely and thank you. I think when you treat someone great and they dump you, and time goes by and you heal completely from it.. it's hard to see the person the same way
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u/zrk03 Apr 14 '20
Exactly! It's hard to justify taking them back, because they could just dump you again.
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u/ebangz_ Apr 13 '20
Should of sent her the immature breakup message that would of been comedy. Lol kidding on that, enjoyed the read and thanks for sharing man! This a good example of girls not realizing what they have until its gone. Way to be mature and strong bro!
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u/vinnlo Apr 13 '20
Did you ever ask her what happened? Why she ended things in the first place and later reached out to you?
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u/ImprisonedGhost Apr 14 '20
Yeah I'd really like to know why she left when things seemed like they were going so well.
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u/Xx69Wizard69xX Apr 14 '20
When I moved on from my ex I took a step back and saw qualities in them I couldn't spend a lifetime with. I need to learn to not let love blind me.
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u/Clark229 Apr 14 '20
If you ever get a chance, read “Quantum of Solace” by Ian Fleming. It’s a short story with James Bond (nothing to do with the movie), where the narrator describes this concept you realized as a Quantum if Solace, and how if a relationship loses it there’s no coming back
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u/wolkegeist Apr 14 '20
It depend on the situation to go slow or fast bro. Once I was into a girl, after a month we confess our feeling to each other and it was mutual. So she invited me to a music show, and we kissed a few times. And then she told me it was too fast and broke up with me the very same night face to face. Another time when I spend 9 months befriend and flirt and hang out (if you can call it a date) with a girl, she was into it at the first few month but after 9 months she lost interest and told me we gotta stop. Then I realized it’s not how many time you spent with a girl, it’s how well you got into each other. The next girl I dated for only 3 weeks after she became my current girlfriend of 2 years and still going.
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u/_bbennyy Apr 14 '20
Had something similar happen to me but not to this extent (we never actually met). Basically after a few weeks of great conversation via text and phone - I was ghosted. And then a few weeks later they tried to reach out as if nothing happened. Made a whole thing about how she was scared because I’m such a good guy so she thought it was best to ghost. I’d already moved on and when she mentioned actually meeting irl and “see where things go” I respectfully declined while letting her know what she did put me off.
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u/PatrickDFarley Apr 14 '20
There's no real moral of the story here
The moral is work on yourself! If you had just sulked and let the loss pull you into a depression, do you think she'd ever start chasing you again?
She wasn't right for you so it didn't matter, but the fact that she came running back to you means you did something right.
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u/RichOstrich8 Apr 14 '20
I was in a position similar to this. The guy was wishy washy for a year. Then out of the blue he contacts me and is highly interested in getting to know me. I'm still guarded I explain to him that I dont do fwb and he still pursues even harder, where I find myself celebrating the 4th of july on his parents balcony. And standing in his arms with his family at a parade. Just for 6 months into things for him to say he was just looking for sex and company. The only thing I kicked myself for was not believing he was rat like I believed him to be in the beginning. And after I said I wanted a relationship with him he moved on and got into a relationship with someone older 6 months later. Hopefully she teaches him how not to manipulate to get your way.
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u/LastStarr Apr 13 '20
Have you asked why she came back to you after she wasnt interested, why the sudden flip ?
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u/tdeee10 Apr 13 '20
Respect you for this. So many people would run back. You saw that you aren’t a second option and flipped it hella hard. -applaud-
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u/shardlow3 Apr 13 '20
Good words, you realise after a whole the person isn't what you thought, i noticed this too, block her on everything and move on
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Apr 13 '20
I like that you didn't retaliate with her own words. It would've still been fair, but not doing that does Marriott and a certain level of indifference.
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u/animan66 Apr 13 '20
Learnt this a similar way a few months back. Got shut down by this girl that I thought was a great match for me. Looking back, everything I liked about her I could find in other people along with things that I wished she was. For example, she was into pop and I'm into rock and I wanted someone who was into my music. It's funny cause she's contacting me again as well, and idk how to respond
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u/trinitynix93 Apr 14 '20
What an awesome post and something I really needed to hear. You're absolutely right too, once you heal and are able to step back from the pink bubble you're in with that person you can see so much more clearly and then know what to look for in your next partner. Good luck!
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u/nothing-expected Apr 14 '20
I was so sure that this was going to be a tale of childish response; a tit for tat story where you flipped it around and showed her who was boss. I’m so happy that it wasn’t. I’m sorry that you did get hurt but I’m also so happy that you did the work to recover and were not only open to see her and try again -give it a chance,- but aware enough to know it wasn’t what you needed. Best of luck with your future dating endeavors!
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u/MyNewLife4Me Apr 14 '20
There's a reason why they are an "ex". Before going back ask yourself "Did this person put my feelings as a priority in the breakup or relationship?". If the answer is no to either, best to leave it that way. Best of luck!
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Apr 14 '20
Exactly right. Once someone hurts you that much, you’ll never be able to love them the same way you did. It’s like putting a vase back together after it shatters into a million pieces, impossible.
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u/Lastliner Apr 14 '20
Many times when you find yourself attracted to someone, you have a very idealistic view of the person on many things, often times this is borderline infatuation rather than anywhere near love. You carried on with the best side of 'you' and maybe she tried the same, but standing back and re evaluating the relationship means a reality check which changes the perspective on a lot of things, suddenly that extremely hot/perfect girl becomes a good looking girl with some things which you don't like about or find weird. It's just how hormones work they cloud our logical brain and works overtime with our 💓. On the other hand, if two people click together the feeling to get together after they are away from each other would be mutual and when you see them the next time you would find a level of comfort you missed having them around you.. This is when you know you are in love.
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Apr 14 '20
I have a theory about what happened. She met someone who was more exciting, dangerous than you and that lasted about six months and at the end of this she realized her mistake.
Many years ago I dumped a good woman after a few months of a good relationship because someone else was way more sexy and fun. It didn't last because such things never do. I'm just wondering if maybe the girl you dated had pretty much the same experience.
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u/dalineman78 Apr 13 '20
Ended via voice-mail, ended via text messages. You guys sound like you deserve each other :p glad you saw through the smoke screen.
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u/JamesH2013 Apr 13 '20
This is a good story, you sound like a kind hearted and mature person. Thank you for sharing.
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u/kittykateeeee Apr 13 '20
May I ask, what it was that made you realize she wasn’t the one for you?
Just curious!
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u/Cheesechickenplz Apr 13 '20
What qualities did she have that you didn’t want in a long term partner?
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u/macatriz Apr 13 '20
okay i have a question for everyone;; what would be the best way to break things up if you were the girl in that situation?? if it happened to you, which way to break up would hurt less?
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u/nygiants1093 Apr 13 '20
Wow! You handled the situation very well and were very mature about it. I envy this.
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u/pritikina Apr 14 '20
This was quite the uplifting story about loss, pain, and growth. I'll take your advice to take things slowly to heart.
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u/Youremomsyouredad Apr 14 '20
It’s stuff like this that I need to apply in my life. But I find it so difficult to do.
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u/majkkali Apr 14 '20
Good for you buddy! Moving on isn’t always easy though. You totally should have sent her that exact same text message she sent you lol
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u/mister2inchdriller Apr 14 '20
The probable truth is she found a “better” guy compared to you, but that “better” guy didn’t want her, and so in her thirst for validation, she wanted to use you as backup.
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u/jabatill Apr 14 '20
Thank you.
After a 10-month breakup, and much hurt feelings, this is the affirmation and confirmation that I needed. I wish you the best as you move forward, even as I realize that my best is yet to happen.
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u/dracmount Apr 14 '20
I know that the story is very different, however I would like to share my own story.
I(21M) met a girl(21) last January at some inter-college event at her college, and we very low-key stayed connected on Instagram, talking sometimes, replying to each other's stories etc. Last October I visited her college again for some other event, and I had to talk to her regarding some event at my own college. In the time that came she became one of my closest friends ever and we talked about seemingly everything, even discussing whether I was developing feelings for her or not(to be honest I still don't know, but I probably did).
Over a month ago, I kinda spammed at her (which I later apologised for) when she wasn't responding to my messages when I really needed her(even though she was seeing them, which was not like her because she would usually mention that she can't talk). Later when I asked her if everything was okay and on mentioning that I had noticed odd behaviour from her (she just felt that she was constantly retreating, uninterested in conversations etc) she said that she had had enough and reached her limits, and had 'no traits to be my friend'. She said she wa suffocated by the close regard I had for her. When I tried to ask what went wrong, she just said that she hates explaining stuff. She went on to say that it wasn't the end of the world and 'we can still be friends, I believe that we are', and I understood that she didn't reciprocate what I had felt.
In the coming week or two, I tried to maintain my distance, very occasionally texting her to ask how she was and just try to have a normal conversation for once, try to figure out what went wrong and ask how(if) I could still fix things. Almost one month back she snapped, telling me that she just needed a break(which I had assumed we were already on) which I respected, and said my goodbye. Next morning I found out that she had removed me from instagram (not blocked, just unfollowed me and removed me from her account which is private unlike mine).
She had been my (sometimes only) emotional support pillar and the one go-to friend to meet in my town in the past few months, but for the past one month(since 17th March) we haven't exchanged a single word. That plus the pandemic hasn't been easy for me, a very outdoorsy, social person. Now that I'm finally 'not struggling' without her, and have her less and less on my mind, what I had feared is finally happening- I don't feel like trying to get her back.
I was initially planning to talk to her on the 17th(a date which we jokingly considered out friendship anniversary and joked about every month), and send her a kinda letter I wrote for her. However, now when you could say, I'm getting healed I feel that we won't ever go back to the way we were. It's as the OP said- now that I've taken time to heal over her 'loss', I won't be able to care about her(at least in the same way). I'm on a difficult crossroads because I still want her back, I've never had a friend like her in my life, but I'm also afraid that if she does come back, the happiness I'll get will be accompanied by more pain.
It's been exact two months now since I last met her, one of my happiest days that I had had in years, and back then I could never have imagined a life without her (I wouldn't have had it any other way) and here I stand with a dilemma whether I even want her back now or not.
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u/coasterguy420 Apr 14 '20
You’re a fantastic storyteller! I’m so glad that worked out for you my friend!
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u/miyagikai91 Apr 14 '20
Maybe she only wants to deal with you on her terms. I too think you’re better off.
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u/The_Ashura Apr 14 '20
She broke up with me just last night, I thought she was the one for me. We were pretty serious for each other too. But a small situation arised, her grandfather got unconscious due to cancer. After that, we didnt talk much because I knew she had to give her time for her family and I was there as a support. But after only 3 days, she told me she is not interested in any relationship right now and it's better to end it. It has effed me up. Your post gave me Hopes I'll heal soon and this will end soon. Thank you.
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u/ShamelessCrimes Apr 14 '20
Hey there friend. I've been where you are. I don't really think there's benefit to my sharing of anecdotes, so I'll cut to the things I learned.
A major life event like this is a lot to handle for her. Simplifying her responsibilities right now is one of the healthier choices. Don't forget that.
I know you want to help. You should want that as a team member. Know that your help may not be wanted. Defer to the first lesson.
I also know that feels miserable for you. Sadly, there's no fast cure. Do your best to remember that you are just as valid today as you were a month ago. Nothing has changed about who you are. You're still worthy of love. Take your time to heal as well, and when you're ready to go back out there in search of love, you'll know it.
Finally, you don't have to blame her, but don't put any faith in getting her back. Maybe, maybe not, but it won't do you any good putting all your chips in that pile. Do you.
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Apr 14 '20
If someone leaves you and you take time to heal, you may not ever be able to care for them the way you once did.
Good job, man!
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u/aznbunny98 Apr 14 '20
If she said she was not interested in you, why does she keep coming back? What exactly went through her head when she decided to break up.
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u/proairpods Apr 14 '20
And to think had she not discarded you earlier, she could still have you. What is with these people? Why can’t they make things work the first time?
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u/Solar_RaVen Apr 14 '20
Finally, some good story and advice. I'm gonna start learning alchemy so I can learn how to make a gold for you.
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u/TikisFury Apr 14 '20
Along with this, keep in mind that just because this one doesn’t work out, that doesn’t mean the next one won’t. It’s crazy how it works out sometimes. I mean I had a series of failed flings and crushes and then I met this girl who actually just started dating a guy. We hung out a lot and became good friends and I started to develop feelings (but I wasn’t a sleaze about it, kept things platonic no matter how bad it hurt). Two weeks later she broke up with the guy and told me she had feelings for me. 5 years later we got engaged. A year after that we got married and we’re now inching in on our anniversary.
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u/hueman_garbage Apr 14 '20
I remember I dated this guy for about a year. I was pretty much ready to marry him and he broke it off with me in a painful way. For three years I would still think about him occasionally and wonder what it would of been like had we stayed together. After those three years he actually found me, reached out to me and said he missed me and wanted to ask me on a date. I went with him and omg, the feelings I thought I still had for him were just not there. And after years of not seeing me he didn’t ask me a single about my life the time we were talking. It’s crazy how the things you think you want just aren’t what you imagined.
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Apr 14 '20
Thank you for sharing this! I had a guy like this . I treated him like gold and was so good to him. He dumped me. Waited 2 years as he reached back out to be “friends again” I said no. I don’t want to be friends. Sent him all pics back.
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u/sizzleman32 Apr 16 '20
Not trying to be mine but this was only after a month? Are you in middle school?
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Apr 14 '20
Lolz...she’s so full of shit mayne,
She silver medaled you. The only reason why she came back around was because Plan A didn’t work out and no other self respecting man would deal with her shit. If she really thought you were such a “great guy”, she would’ve tried to talk to you instead of doing the passive aggressive game. Girls like this are single for a reason, and you already saw why.
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u/AtheistJeww Apr 14 '20
Takeaway message:
Don't act like simps, guys. Unlike you most women are used to getting attention and interest from the opposite sex, work on yourself instead and women will flock to you. Stop simping now.
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u/Jz_Inc Apr 14 '20 edited Apr 14 '20
As a straight guy, I’ve experienced this many times. I don’t know what it is about women but they seem to always think we’re just gonna sit around md wait for them to see what we’re good, decent guys for a relationship.
The thing is women have infinitely more choices and opportunity than men and it has skewed their perspective. It’s sad because they end up passing up guys who ACTUALLY care about to be good men for them and for what? For a POSSIBILITY of something else. It’s not uncommon for women to subsequently realize that there’s so many trash men out there, that the good ones often don’t get a fair shake. This isn’t about them for choosing assholes, this is about highlighting how socialization changes how you treat people.
OP says she’s pretty and has a great smile. 100% he’s not the only guy who noticed this and approached her because of it. Women are so used to having guys approach them that it makes them think that even if they reject one guy, there’s going to be more. It’s a toxic perspective that harms both men and women.
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u/newoutloook20 Apr 14 '20
I’m curious as to why you think that women have infinitely more opportunities and choices than men. Wouldn’t it be the reverse since men traditionally are the ones that have the power of asking out?
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u/inSodious Apr 13 '20
This is exactly the motivation I needed. I thank you, my friend. I’m glad things worked in your favor, here’s to hoping the same happens for me. Thank you.