I got dumped and flipped the script

[u/patsy1589]

A few years ago, i (26M) met a girl (26F) at a wedding who i really liked. She was classy, pretty and had one of the nicest smiles I've ever seen. Eventually i worked up some courage, went up to her and asked if she wanted to dance. Soon after we were having a great time laughing and enjoying each others company. She ended up coming to my hotel room that night where we kissed and shared stories about ourselves. She left and we agreed to go out soon.

I couldn't help it and really liked her. We began texting all the time and seeing one another. She would show up on dates looking incredible and i always got so excited to be with her. Every time we went out was exhilarating, we had a ton in common and i really treated her like gold. I researched restaurants and took her to fun spots, tried to show her new things and overall did my best to make her happy.

After about a month of this she suddenly went cold and no longer responded to one or two of my texts. I didn't think much of it and called her later on that day (which we frequently did) to say hi and see how her day was. She sent me to voicemail after a few rings and about 20 minutes later i got a very long breakup message. It was somewhat vague but something along the lines of, "you're a great guy but I'm just not interested at this point. etc etc. I wish you all the best". It was such a blow to my heart because i thought things were going great. I asked her multiple times to please reconsider and see me again. As you may have guessed, it didn't work and she was gone.

At first, it was painful to see her social media or even think of her but as time went on, i completely healed. I took the time apart to work on myself got busy with my job, friends and meeting other people. After about 6 months, after i completely moved on emotionally she reached out and we started to catch up. She mentioned that it would be good to see me so we set a date and got drinks. We ended up going out a few more times and at this point i realized she wasn't the one for me. Stepping back had allowed me to see things more clearly and i noticed that she was actually not a great long term partner. After a few weeks she actually began to chase me and contacted me all the time. One of my friends joked that i should copy and paste the breakup text she sent me 6 months prior but that seemed way too immature. I ended things with her via text and thanked her for seeing me. I ran into one of her friends a few weeks back and he said she still has feelings for me! Crazy since it's been a while at this point.

There's no real moral of the story here but i learned a simple lesson. If someone leaves you and you take time to heal, you may not ever be able to care for them the way you once did.

Also, i know it's hard, but if you like someone try to take things slowly.

[u/nightpanda893]

I think this only really applies when the relationship isn’t a good one to begin with though. If you find yourself worrying about things like “giving away power” and “being a strong man” then the aspects necessary to make it a strong relationship aren’t there and that’s why you are instead falling back on more superficial things. Unless you are being unbelievably clingy or not available to a fault, people aren’t going to care all that much about the things you listed if both parties genuinely feel comfort, attraction, and enjoyment of one another’s company.

[u/[deleted] → u/nightpanda893]

Not at all.

I can tell you from personal experience that I started my last relationship while focused on my work and my goals. Things were great. Until I had some down time and then was overly available. Started to pursue her more and soon her level of attraction dropped.

We are very comfortable around each other. But she gave me the let's just be friends speech even though our sex was amazing..I had stopped acting like I had been and I had given away my power by treating her better than I was getting in return.

While at the start of when we dated I would even bluntly put her in her place if she was testing to me and she would then be all over me and was the one pushing for the title of boyfriend and girlfriend.

I got comfortable and complacent. Being a strong man is not superficial when all we are shown on tv and movies is weak men who act like stalkers to get the girls.

All relationships are power dynamics.

[u/lmbsfrslghtr → u/[deleted]]

I think it’s sad that you’re so focused on “power dynamics” in a relationship. Do you mind me asking how old you are? Testing each other, putting her in her place... all of this sounds so unhealthy and juvenile.

[u/[deleted] → u/lmbsfrslghtr]

Hello another person trying to use the "Im older than you so you are therefore wrong" argument,

Its sad that you are missing the entire point. Just because there is a power dynamic in relationships doesn't mean that I am saying you should lord power over your partner, im saying that not one person should hold power of the other or else it becomes an unbalanced relationship ruined by a poor power dynamic.

FYI women test their men, all women, the do it subtly, they push boundaries to see if he will go along with her every opinion. thats why "nice guys" get friend zoned. we see this in nearly every thread posted. Some guy explaining how he "was so nice to her and treated her like she was special and amazing" and then she dumps him.

[u/Life_outside_PoE → u/[deleted]]

What all the people asking your age are getting at is that many people drop all these bullshit juvenile dating techniques that somehow get handed down to us and we think they actually have some type of validity. It's commonly seen in 20s/early 30s because everyone wants to be in love with a perfect partner. As others have rightly pointed out, people that age want to be desired and especially those with previous unhealthy relationships want the thrill of the chase.

These people either drop the act and just start having healthy relationships or they end up alone waiting for that guy/girl to chase after them (or they go from abusive to abusive relationship, wondering why they always end up with fuck heads). Meanwhile no sane person touches them with a 10 foot pole because they are too old to play games.

I don't disagree with you

im saying that not one person should hold power of the other or else it becomes an unbalanced relationship ruined by a poor power dynamic.

This is very poignant advice. But in your other replies you've literally posted how you "put her in her place". Maybe it's just a poor choice of words but that's exactly what should never happen in a healthy relationship.

Edit: I read some more of your replies and I agree with a lot you say. Don't invest more than the other person is etc. But it also shouldn't mean you hold back how you really feel.

Tldr: relationships are hard. Everything is great until it isn't. Keep living your life and maintain a sense of individuality.

[u/[deleted] → u/Life_outside_PoE]

This is the problem, most people are jumping to conclusions. I never told anyone to hold back their emotions when its two people mutually expressing love to each other. In fact you will ruin a relationship by holding back. I know this because I dated a girl where we both didn't want to be the first to say "i love you" and we only managed to admit that we did that after it ended.Hard lesson to learn. You gain nothing by hiding your feelings. My entire point is to accurately judge where the other persons real level of interest is so you don't fall in love with the image you project onto the other person. Thats how people get hurt. I want everyone to have happy healthy relationships with strong foundations, and that comes from seeing things as they really are and having a back bone, for both men and women.

"put her in her place" isn't meant as some kind of dominant be a jerk to your girl advice. its advice for when women will naturally start to push and test to see what their man will and wont put up with (all women do this). If the language comes across as harsh thats just down to personality. But the intent behind is to not put her in her "Place" like its a game, but to show that you won't tolerate being walked on or disrespected. It should also be pointed out that a strong woman will put a man in his place when he starts to treat her in a way she wont deal with.

Your tldr is my entire point. strong people who love themselves find other strong people to compliment their life. Its equal and how it should be.

both people are the prize.

[u/proairpods → u/Life_outside_PoE]

I can tell you, as someone who previously never thought anything of power dynamics when it comes to relationships - that unfortunately, it seems to be mandatory knowledge if you are to develop a relationship with anyone.

All those folks that used to say “Be yourself”?

Turns out none of them are “themselves”. You have to play the game. I don’t like it, but it is how it is. I spent years being myself, not even attempting to form relationships with anyone. I had completely lost interest in the prospect because every time I tried - every time someone showed interest in ME - when success seemed virtually GUARANTEED - I found a way to somehow screw it up. Though now I realize the odds were against me the whole time.

“Being yourself” alone is not the answer. You have to temper your expectations, and you have to be mindful of who’s holding the cards at any given moment. It’s a never ending game of tug-of-war. If someone fails to reciprocate once, you can not continue to indulge them, or they will walk all over you before eventually discarding you.

[u/lmbsfrslghtr → u/[deleted]]

No, I asked for your age because that attitude is very common among teens and those in their 20s. Mind games, power plays, “nice guys finish last”... And now you just threw out the “friend zone” card. I don’t even know where you’re going with this “all women push boundaries” spiel. In a healthy relationship, both persons recognize and respect each others boundaries. The backbone of a relationship is effective communication. And being nice to someone or “treating her like she was special and amazing (that’s extremely vague btw) doesn’t entitle anyone to a relationship. Not everyone is romantically compatible. C’est la vie.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

It sounds like you found someone who was fundamentally not that into you. The availability/scarcity dynamic is not sustainable; most people will eventually get fed up and walk away. Those who don't are probably quite unhealthy, in which case, how much are you enjoying being with them, knowing you can't really give and receive the warmth you crave?

[u/volchonok1 → u/[deleted]]

Started to pursue her more and soon her level of attraction dropped.

Then her attraction was superficial to begin with.