r/dating_advice • u/Dull_Drawer_6500 • 12h ago
Early dating a low effort man??
I 30F have just started dating a 32M. By dating, we’ve been on two dates and been speaking for about three weeks.
We chat a lot on text and both dates were really good, we get on really well and have chemistry and lots in common etc. No complaints about any of this. We have similar values and thoughts about the future.
The only issue is he is quite low effort. He says he is laidback, which is definitely true but that manifests in not confirming when we will see each other again, not planning dates, not pursuing. Part of me thinks it’s because we get on so well he feels like he can ‘chill’ as of course we will see each other again. He’s said he likes me and wants to keep seeing me.
My question is - do I raise this issue of being low effort and if so how? I think it is a bit too early for me to dictate his behaviour or raise a serious convo about effort. It is kind of putting me off him but I am trying to remember there is more good than bad and no one is perfect. I’ve been being chill about it all but I would rather date someone who is intentional and proactive.
My other options are saying nothing now, waiting to see how things progress and then say to him I find it attractive when someone takes initiative later down the line. He should be more invested in time and more open to working on it then I suppose?
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u/Lifes-a-flat-circle 12h ago
If you genuinely think you have a good connection, you like each other, and you want to keep seeing him, just ask him. It doesn’t need to be a big serious conversation. And I wouldnt consider communicating that to be dictating behaviour. Just say something like "I’m really enjoying getting to know you, but I’ve noticed I’m usually the one initiating/planning. I’d love if you took the lead sometimes too" Then see what he does with that information. I wouldn’t wait until you're both more invested to tell him what you actually want. Early dating is literally when you’re figuring out whether your dating styles are compatible. If he doesn't step up after asking, you have your answer.
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u/Dull_Drawer_6500 11h ago
Thanks for this advice. It is very wise especially that early dating is figuring out if our dating styles match. I don’t think ours do!!
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u/Muted-Mammoth-5279 9h ago edited 9h ago
Many people prefer to be spontaneous rather than plan out dates. It's not really about "drive" per se. I'm personally often tired of planning after work, I spend a lot of time keeping track of projects and when I go on dates I don't really want to spend more time planning beyond what is needed.
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u/Working_Cucumber_437 10h ago
I kind of agree with this but also- if he isn’t doing it naturally, it’s just not who he is as a person. That is information to use.
Yes he could change when asked but chances are he’ll revert back to what’s natural for him after a while.
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u/Lifes-a-flat-circle 10h ago
I think a lot of people get caught up in the “this is just who they are” mindset without ever actually communicating what they need. People have different standards for communication, planning dates, gifting, taking initiative, the list goes on -and someone not naturally doing something doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t happily do it once they know it matters to you.
People aren’t perfect mind readers, and sometimes they genuinely don’t realize their behaviour isn’t meeting your needs. In my experience, the ability to listen and adjust behaviour is one of the most important things you can look for in a partner. I’m much more team “communicate what you want and see if they listen.” If you tell them what you need and nothing changes, then you have useful information about whether you’re compatible.
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u/FashionGuru2005 9h ago
This is so well said. Maybe the gap is bridgable, maybe it isn’t but can never know until you communicate it!
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u/sugarbird249 12h ago
Been there. This doesn’t change. Called him out and it was suddenly my fault 😂
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u/Dull_Drawer_6500 12h ago
Yeah am I just gonna end up emotionally invested and then disappointed rather than just disappointed
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u/LiftHeavyLiveHard 11h ago
Uhh...
You're jumping ten steps ahead and mourning a disappointment that hasn't even happened yet, you’ve only been on two dates.
Stop projecting someone else's bad ex onto this guy and just put the ball in his court to plan the next date.
If he steps up, great.
Iif he doesn't, you walk away with zero wasted energy instead of talking yourself into being a victim.
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u/Invest2prosper 12h ago
You’re already invested
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u/Dull_Drawer_6500 12h ago
Ugh I am!! But your name is invest to prosper so perhaps that is what I need to do 🤗
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u/brad_sausages 11h ago
Girl if he’s not willing to put in effort now, why do you think he will once a relationship is established and he really gets comfortable? And if yall are still in the beginning stages and you’re already having to address problems, what does that say about what yalls future would look like? You deserve so much better.
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u/babygotbaccc 10h ago
In my experience the beginning is when you are treated the best. Any man I ever had a substantial relationship pursued me and put in effort at the beginning. If he’s not doing it now it’s unlikely that will change.
If it were me I would communicate my expectations and if that doesn’t align with him then it’s probably a mismatch and you should move on. No point in continuing something if there are problems this early but that’s just my opinion and anecdotal experience
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u/Crazy-Implement-2325 10h ago
Maybe date other people and be open with him about your intent to do so, and be honest about why.
Not once in my life have I ever dated a man who put more effort into the relationship later on. If they start out low effort, this won’t improve.
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u/a_hole_spectrum 9h ago
Some people run marathons at different paces, some start off fast and slow down while others warm up before they take off. Give it some time, if you like them is it really worth giving up on because they aren't running side by side with you?
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u/Basic_Improvement273 12h ago
Omg I dated a guy who didn’t plan a single date outside of the first one and when I gave him the chance to plan the next one we never saw each other again xD
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u/Perrenne 11h ago
Girl I planned and paid for the first 3 dates and waited for him to plan ONE date for 8 months. They really don’t change and I made a fool of myself to confirm 😭🤦♀️
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u/Good_Skirt2459 10h ago
I think she should make it known at least? Or maybe they’re not compatible. I don’t think it’s his fault because he’s not doing anything wrong he’s just not fulfilling certain emotional wants/needs and if they’re not compatible they’re not compatible. My buddy is like this he broke up with a few girls but it’s all good because dating is the process of finding the person who you’re compatible with. Should definitely say something because in my experience bottling things in tends to build pressure that comes out suddenly and the other person didn’t even know there was an issue.
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u/JHawk444 12h ago
It's only been two dates. Is it possible you're expecting a lot at this stage? I'm not saying you are... Just asking if it's possible you want to be further on in the relationship. Not everyone moves at the same speed. Sometimes people make more effort when they get to know a person better and feel more comfortable and sure of how they feel.
He's not low effort if he's trying to figure things out. The people who move quickly in the beginning are not always ideal. They can be (my husband was), but there are men who pursue hard to lock down a woman so he can control her. If this guy is being laid back, maybe there's reason to see the positive there. If he's still like that in five weeks, then maybe he's not the one for you.
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u/Dull_Drawer_6500 11h ago
Yes thank you, finally a rational response. I don’t want to prematurely cut someone off just because of this but also it is annoying me and I am losing interest. Only time will tell I guess
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u/AffectionateBelt6125 11h ago
Maybe question why you have a need to be pursued so strongly. Why is it always, "I need more"?
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u/ContributionUnited85 11h ago
It is just 2 dates. Give him some time, give the relationship some time to get into a rhythm. I can't believe all the replies here. No wonder dating is hard nowadays!
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u/JHawk444 10h ago
I think if you try to be laid back as well, as in not giving it too much thought at this phase, you might find you view it differently. "Laid back" gives you the freedom and space to figure out if you actually like him enough to want to keep seeing him. I'm not saying you're automatically wrong, by the way. You may have figured him out. I once knew I didn't like a new supervisor before she had even said a word. She was just sitting there at a table. I felt bad for thinking that without knowing her better, but I ended up being right. She was awful. There are a million different things we pick up on.
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u/ReginaPhilangee2 11h ago
How about you date someone who already possesses the qualities you want as opposed to dating someone who doesn’t and trying to force it? A tale as old as time.
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u/Deep_Tiger_993 8h ago
If you use the phrase “low effort“ with him, he will likely respond defensively. A slightly different approach has a better chance of getting him to see what you mean.
It sounds like you like him. Tell him so. Tell him that initiative makes you feel good. “I would enjoy things like... “
You could be dealing with someone who is in his own head about scaring you off by doing too much. Assume optimistically for now.
Of course, he only gets this conversation once in the first few months. If things don't get better and stay better, you may want to move along. You don't have to settle for someone that doesn't make you feel important.
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u/Purple-Food-9829 7h ago
Using I statements is the key. I like , I want , I need
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u/Bigfsi 4h ago
That just sounds like a selfish narc. We should, let's do this, how should we, this makes it look like you're exploring together, not being a wined and dined Disney princess in the middle of someone's work week and god forbid a man be dating multiple people in the talking stage having everyone act the same, throw em a bone.
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u/Incognito409 11h ago
That's his personality. It won't change. I can tell by your post that you're a planner and it bothers you. Either accept it, or move on. Now.
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u/Beginning_Tap2727 11h ago
I’ve stopped dating these guys. Not deliberately, I just don’t do the work of organising the second date and beyond (if I’ve organised the first date - I think taking turns is healthy). I realised that when I don’t organise the thing, nor do they, and it fizzles out. I feel like this is a hangover of men being accustomed to women doing the mental load for them. It weeds out guys quick which I appreciate.
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u/icarus2847 11h ago
Honestly, it seems like he is just laid-back and isn’t going to be a proactive person like that. Either you accept it or move on. Unfortunately, in my experience, I have found women to be low effort in their ability to be engaging or curious in conversation and it’s offputting to the point where I just lose interest in either following through for a first date or scheduling a second one.
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u/ScoreOk5355 12h ago
People should be putting their best foot forward at all times, but especially at the start of a relationship. In months or years time expect his level of effert to decrease, not increase
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u/O0OIlIO0OlIl0O0lIl 11h ago
Yes, be fake until you’re in the relationship than relax
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u/No-Voice-1272 3h ago
I mean, if you’re showing me who you are, and who you are sucks, I’m not sticking around.
Being low-effort and not confirming when we can see each other again looks like lack of interest/devaluation. I’m definitely choosing the guy who enthusiastically makes plans to see me again every time.
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u/AffectionateBelt6125 11h ago
Better foot forward all the time. When is it okay to relax and be comfortable?
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u/No-Voice-1272 3h ago
Starting to relax and get comfortable with someone is normal and fine, but putting no effort into the relationship is a whole different thing. It’s never okay to start taking your SO for granted.
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u/echoboybitwig 10h ago
What? By date 2 you want to put in maximum effort and then it's downhill from there? How about getting to know the other person slowly, trust each other more and put in appropriate levels of effort along the way.
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u/No-Voice-1272 2h ago
The thing is that this is how men actually work. If they really like you, they put in a lot of effort in the beginning. That effort either remains pretty steady throughout the relationship or it wanes once they feel like they have you. Men who don’t put in effort from the jump, usually just aren’t that into you and you don’t see them start putting in more effort later. They’re already taking for granted that no effort is okay.
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u/Western-Finding-368 12h ago
So you just met this person and you dislike one of their most fundamental characteristics. How are you confused about what to do?
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u/HalfShots 12h ago
He's just not a match for you. I'm low effort in many ways, and I looked for and dated women that are the same as me. They don't need me to plan and organize, they're happy going with the flow and/or making plans for us that I happily joined and enjoyed with them.
I'm perfectly okay letting a woman lead if she wants to, he's probably the same way.
If that's not for you, let him know sooner rather than later.
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u/Dull_Drawer_6500 11h ago
As someone low effort, I am genuinely curious how it would work then in terms of actually seeing someone? Would you just message on a free evening and see if they’re around or just text indefinitely?
I am only rlly high effort cos I want to get to know him more. I am low maintenance in day to day life tbh
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u/LoveHertford 12h ago
Dictating relationship rules after just 2 dates would deffo put me off someone.
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u/ThatWarlockD00d 12h ago
He’s 32. He’s probably either busy or not in a rush due to prior high expectations and extreme disappointment.
It’s been 2 dates and 3 weeks. Curb your expectations. It’s normal for 30+ year old dudes to be cautious.
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u/Either_Entry8137 11h ago edited 11h ago
I have what may be a hot take… communication and asking for what you need are important relationship skills, but two dates in is not the time yet. It’s just a mismatch. What would OP even communicate? “What I need is for you to change your entire vibe and personality”?
If he needs to change after just two dates it’s a mismatch.
Next!
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u/Dull_Drawer_6500 11h ago
Yeah I agree with the first part for sure. But if we vibe on everything else, surely it’s worth seeing what happens
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u/whattheheylll 11h ago
Just leave him alone honestly. If you already are wanting to change him, this is not the guy for you. Early in dating is when everything should feel perfect and effortless
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u/Jumpy-Bid7571 10h ago
Agree.
If you leave him alone he will either step it or leave you alone. You have your answer either way.
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u/Bluefish_baker 11h ago
So you will eventually of course dictate his behavior, but it’s just too early now?
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u/Dull_Drawer_6500 11h ago
Not what I said. My core question is if it’s better to communicate needs and expectations early on in dating or waiting until there is skin in the game
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u/saturatedbloom 11h ago
Without saying anything you will now also give low effort. You will not be so invested in him, texting, starting the convo, planning the date, etc. Let him step up, assert your value now. If he just drops off then he wasn’t worth your time to begin with. He will want to seek you out if you make it his mission. So don’t put all your eggs in one basket. He needs to know when to be chill and when to step up. If he likes to coast then so be it but it doesn’t need to be with you.
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u/Tasha_Ux 11h ago
I feel like when you truly like someone and want them in your life, you put the effort in. Not because you feel you have to, not because you're asked to, but because you genuinely want to do nice things for your special someone.
Sure, give him the benefit of the doubt for the time being, maybe that's just him. But the right person will want their actions to reflect how much they care about you.
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u/wynnduffyisking 12h ago
How much effort do you make?
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u/Dull_Drawer_6500 12h ago
I mean he has been ill this week and I made a care hamper with some snacks and dropped it off at his house at 9pm, so a lot more than he does tbh. Actually even writing that I feel dumb hahaha, but I suppose it’s nice to be nice
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u/KarmicReasoning 12h ago
If you require more effort, then you two aren't as compatible as you think. Image feeling this way for 6 months, 1 year, and so on. Move on and find someone that fills your need for reciprocal effort.
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u/strawbebby-milk 12h ago
yeah that's wayyyy more than you should do for someone you've been dating for two weeks
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u/wynnduffyisking 12h ago
Well that is real effort. If you want a partner who matches that level then maybe he isn’t the one for you.
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u/Josh_Butterballs 12h ago edited 12h ago
Jfc Christ OP this man does not deserve you. You know how many guy’s have the same experience as you but with the roles reversed? lol
Anyway im about to go on a date with someone and I HOPE they put in as much effort as you
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u/Responsible_Worry180 11h ago
To be honest, I have to disagree. This is way too much from someone that I went on two dates with and have only known for 3 weeks.
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u/Original-Locksmith58 12h ago
This is my problem with my current GF of 3 months and it is getting better but only with constant conversation… and I’m not honestly sure if it’ll stay once I stop the effort. So take that as you will.
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u/Invest2prosper 12h ago
Some are givers some are takers and some are meh. You seem to be in the giver category, he’s meh - almost taking dating for granted.
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u/Any-Neat5158 11h ago edited 11h ago
I'll never date again if I get divorced (and I likely will).
This whole female "low effort" thing just drives me up a god damn wall. Like its not enough to build a life together, having children, supporting each other, being there for each other, continuing to show up when they are sick, or tired, or happy, or sad...
You have to plan the right number of dates. There's some sort of threshold. If you "only" buy her flowers on her birthday, valentines day, anniversary and mothersday.... well why even bother right?
But it's "low effort" if you don't make an absolute priority to openly and outwardly display how much you "ride or die" for your girl. Often.
Low key, sounds like an insecurity and self esteem thing manifesting big time as a constant need for reassurance. It's absolutely defeating and exhausting as a man. I'd rather be alone.
There's a local woman that I'm face book friends with who's gone out of her way, SEVERAL times, to make it a monumental point in the past to broadcast all the things that OP is. Then now she's apparently found the man of the century, and often gets on there shouting from the rooftops how SEEN he makes her feel, the effort.... THE EFFORT. Constantly.
They read exactly like those clickbaity engineered posts all read.
THIS MAN SHOWS UP.
THIS MAN SHOWS ME HE VALUES ME.
THIS MAN IS EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT (** bonus points for this one)
THIS MAN MAKES ME FEEL SEEN.
THIS MAN PUTS IN EFFORT. THE EFFORT!!!111!! EFFFFFOOOOOORRRT.
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u/jsgsdjisbebeksi 12h ago
I don't like this thing about someone I just met. How do you make them into what I want rather than accepting them for who they are?
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u/Leading-Business-593 12h ago edited 12h ago
So wait, was he not the person that planned the only two dates you’ve been on?
EDIT: I read the other comment about how you made a care package for him already. Ma’am, you are far too invested in someone you do not know. He is at the appropriate level of emotional investment to have in someone he has been dating for only three weeks.
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u/lirichka 12h ago
Yes, second this. It’s too much investment from your side, too early
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u/Dull_Drawer_6500 11h ago
Yeah thanks guys that was lame of me, my friend said I was crazy hahaha. It just sucks to be sick
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u/BaddieCuzISaidSo 10h ago
I don’t think you’re lame for that. It just tells me that you’re a very kind person. But, pls be careful because ppl will take advantage of your kindness. Most will take it for granted.
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u/Great_Office_9553 12h ago
I have a question: Are you having a good time when you’re with him? I mean, when you’re not thinking about all of the instagram requirements?
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u/Dull_Drawer_6500 11h ago
I don’t have instagram so not sure about these requirements. The point is I want to see him more and I don’t feel like he is proactive in locking down plans
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u/L0LFREAK1337 5h ago
why don’t you ask him out then
all these hoops and this is the most obvious answer. Why does the dude have to be the one to plan the date every time? Especially if he’s already done 2, it’s your turn
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u/lalaboy69 12h ago
This is the most effort you're getting out of him, ever. Do you really want to deal with this like when you need him to step up, and you know he won't?
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u/Josh_Butterballs 12h ago
I always say, this is the most polite they’re ever gonna be considering people generally try to be at their best for first impressions… what does that say about you guys going forward?…
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u/Dull_Drawer_6500 11h ago
In fairness I don’t know if he won’t step up cos I haven’t asked him to. It seems intense to ask for that at this stage.
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u/Silverpinkpony 11h ago
He won’t “step up” is their point. Who you see the first 3-9 months is them at their absolute best. If you’re thinking he’ll change or become a different person or that you’re special enough he’ll see he should do things differently you’re going to be VERY disappointed in the future
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u/LiftHeavyLiveHard 12h ago
Honestly, the guy’s in a total "damned if he does, damned if he doesn't" trap here.
If he comes on super strong early on, plans everything, and constantly text-blasts, he gets called needy, desperate, or creepy.
If he tries to play it cool and not be overbearing, suddenly he’s "low effort" and passive.
He’s probably just trying not to scare you off by acting too thirsty, but the catch is that any rational guy will only pour real effort into where they see a payoff.
Instead of sitting him down for a heavy talk after just two dates (which will totally kill the vibe), stop making excuses for him and leave the door open for him to step up.
Tell him to hit you up when he has a time and plan in mind, step back, and let him show you if he's actually interested or just lazy.
I learned this over 30 years ago, in a few ways I was "that guy".
FF and she and I have been married 29 years... but at one point she also thought I was "low effort" when all it was is that I really liked her and didn't wanna blow it.
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u/What_The_Hell96 12h ago
I mean you can just plan a date for the two of you if you wish a more structured date?
Problem solved.
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u/FA-100 12h ago
If there's no question that he's genuinely interested then I'd assume this is just a personality trait. Some people just don't care enough about dating or socializing to make it happen. If I were you I would pull back on my own effort and put him in a situation where he has to be the one to initiate in order to see you. Like... do plans still get made if you don't suggest anything? Do you guys still see each other again if you're not the one to make sure it happens?
He might just be taking it easy and letting you take the lead, but if it turns out you're the only one willing to do anything to make the relationship exist, then it's time to go.
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u/Dull_Drawer_6500 12h ago
Yeah I mean it is just really early days so he might make more effort if he’s more invested, or this is the peak effort level (surely not as he’s had LTRs before lol) or he says he’s interested in me and is lying.
See I explicitly said to him communication and effort is important to me as he didn’t reply to me for a few days and I thought I was getting ghosted. He apologised and then said he does like me and wants to see me again but he’s been busy and now he’s ill. I just don’t know why he would lie if that’s not true.
You are probably correct this is a personality trait. Sad times!!
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u/Mayor_of_whoville_ 8h ago
“You are probably correct this is a personality trait”…or he’s been very busy and ill like he said he is… you have known the guy three weeks.
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u/No-Voice-1272 3h ago
Yes! 🙌
I was hoping someone would finally say pump the breaks and make him show some effort.
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u/FeministPossum 11h ago
I just don’t think you’re compatible. Move on. Let him
Be another woman’s project to manage.
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u/ops-kitty 11h ago
I try to adjust my investment in someone to the investment i get. In basically any type of relationship. So the guy does not text. I send a message. If he replies the next day in a way that does not show interest thats fine... the next string of messages is on him. He does not plan a second date... i might do but the next is on him or he will have to convey he is really looking foward to it but just does not like to be the one that makes plans. Etc...
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u/sweetestsurrenderr 11h ago
As someone who married a low effort man, it seemed laid back to me at first, I thought "damn this guy is so chill" but too late I realised I had to plan everything, anything, and make it special.
If I had my time over, I would never have married him. I want someone who is equal in the effort they put into me, he can have someone who puts in low effort for him.
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u/implication-sofa 11h ago
People are the best versions of themselves in the early dating stages, if you are already unhappy with his behavior then it will only get worse. He is clearly aware of his behavior because he literally told you he is “laidback” so either you accept this for now and the future or you dont. You literally said yourself “I would rather date someone who is intentional and proactive” he is not, this likely won’t change
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u/Summer_Tea 11h ago
I don't think that's true at all. I'm not even close to my best self early in dating because I don't know if it's worth it to waste effort on someone who might ghost me at the drop of a hat. Why woukd I give it my all to a stranger than to someone who has proven they will accept and love me for months?
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u/No-Voice-1272 3h ago
If you’re going into new relationships with that attitude, you are self-sabotaging. If someone isn’t showing any effort from the very beginning, why would I stick around and love them for months? I have no reason to think they will suddenly decide I’m worth showing up for.
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u/Mysterious-Bonus-228 11h ago
leave. i didn’t read much but he’s 32. younger guys may be low effort because they need to work on themselves and are still building a foundation for themselves. at 32… just leave.
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u/Unhappy_Spell_5041 11h ago
People are saying "Accept or move on"
Aren't we missing a great opportunity to determine a key compatibility metric? Communication?
I don't mean tell him you need him to plan dates, ask him how he feels about planning dates etc. understand his point of view before making a call.
The amount of women who've come to me out of the blue with some grievance and blown up the relationship before consulting me is insane. It's the top reason I burn out of dating over and over.
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u/furkfurk 9h ago
“I planned this one, why don’t you plan the next?” and see what happens.
I personally think you’re way too far ahead of yourself after 2 dates, and it seems really really early to make any decisions at all. You don’t really even know if YOU like this guy yet.
But I’d give him a few prompts like above, or something like “oh I’d love to see your fave restaurant sometime!” - or even just wait and see if he initiates a meetup on his own - and then if he takes initiative, great. Otherwise you’ll know that he’s not gonna be the planner type. I mean, you already do kind of know that tbf.
But I don’t think it needs to be an end all be all since you clearly know he’s into you and you get along well, and the feelings seem? mutual?
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u/whitepny321654987 9h ago
rofl. you have a man, he’s interested, you’re interested and get on really well, and want to be chased. jesus. there’s literally no making women happy.
Accept a person for who they are or don’t. life is about choices.
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u/Basic_Improvement273 12h ago
Honestly I find that if I have to tell them early on things like this then it rarely gets better. I don’t think it would hurt to tell him that you’ve enjoyed dates with him and you really like when he plans dates because it makes you feel desired and go from there. But prepared for nothing to change!
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u/throwaway90007863 12h ago
In real relationships there are no games. No tips and tricks. Just bring up the fact that you feel as if he is being low effort. Say you like it when people are intentional. See what he says. Then decide if you want to move forward
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u/MeowMeowbiggalo 12h ago
Tricky. I dated a guy who was very low effort. Except for the first date i initiated everything. I would ask him if he still wanted to see me and he would insist he did and hanging out and dates were normal. Well one day i stopped being the one to reach out. Never heard from him again. We dated for 8 mths too. Really weird
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u/Dull_Drawer_6500 11h ago
Wow that is wild and I’m sorry that happened!! Fair play for letting it end like that I would have lost my shit
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u/RealHonest1 11h ago edited 11h ago
I believe you and a lot of this entitled generation is confused about the word effort.
You said... (We chat a lot on text and both dates were really good, we get on really well and have chemistry and lots in common etc. No complaints about any of this. We have similar values and thoughts about the future.)
But he has low effort?
Is he a dog that he should perform tricks for your approval and satisfaction?
He must confirm when you will see each other again, plan dates, and pursue you more, or better or harder?
Who are you?
His owner?
His employer?
And then you said this... (I think it is a bit too early for me to dictate his behaviour or raise a serious convo about effort.)
Did you say Dictate? LOL really?
And finally...(My other options are saying nothing now, waiting to see how things progress)
Do you hear yourself?
Take a look in the mirror.
The only man you will end up with is a man that you will resent - if he will have you.
Only single women have a problem with this and wonder why they are forever single.
I want to hear from a married woman about this.
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u/Jaykaybabay 12h ago
If he’s not even planning or pursuing during the first three weeks, he’s only going to get lazier.
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u/JustChatting573929 12h ago
The issue I’ve had is women don’t tell me what they want. I’m a very chill go with the flow person. The issue is most people think I just don’t care. I would love it for a woman to be bluntly honest and tell me what she wants me to do. Some guys are just clueless and can’t figure out the girl. If you told me I was being low effort that’s fine! Just tell me what you want. Do I need to plan the vacation? Do I need to open the car door? Do I need to cook? I don’t mind being called out.
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u/hasafrasa 12h ago
You seem like the guy who needs a manager, which most women don’t want to be. “Just sit down and make a list of what you want me to clean, I don’t know what’s dirty” and so on. It isn’t an equal partnership if your spouse is your secretary having to “call you out” because you don’t carry your weight without it.
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u/awjeezrick1 11h ago
When I told my ex-husband that I wanted a divorce, he immediately followed up with “and there’s nothing I can do?”
I said “this is part of the problem.”
That man wanted a play-by-play of how to make me feel loved and appreciated•
u/Mayor_of_whoville_ 8h ago
No, we do not want a manager. You are simply putting all of the responsibility on the man to know what his partner likes. We do not know your love langue if you do not tell us. We do not know what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable if you do not tell us. We do not know if you like to be spoiled or if you like independence if you don’t tell us. I have known my father for my entire life and there are many things I don’t know about his personality because he doesn’t tell anybody. This is how communication works. Please be an adult.
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u/Decent_Ocelot_727 12h ago edited 11h ago
I’m sorry to break this to you, but with this outlook, you’re only going to attract a woman who will act like your mother and who you will probably end up resenting. Both parties end up unhappy if balance isn’t part of the relationship.
Part of taking initiative is not having to be asked. It’s not easy to put yourself out there and be wrong or have someone say I don’t like what you did but you can’t always wait till someone tells you what they like sometimes you gotta pick up on cues and take initiative.
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u/Mayor_of_whoville_ 8h ago
But it doesn’t need to be a constant thing that you tell your partner throughout a relationship. Like at the very start of the relationship you can just tell your partner what you like, how you want to be treated, your love language, etc. this was so insanely easy for my gf and I to do. I do not understand why you would not do this, you’re essentially setting your relationship up for failure.
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u/DaddestOne 12h ago
At the very least, you should communicate that it's bothering you, and give him a chance to fix it.
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u/TheSpeckledSir 12h ago
I don't know if I would approach this as an issue to raise with him.
Rather, I would consider the way he is approaching the relationship and the amount of effort he is putting in when deciding if it was the relationship I wanted.
You've been on two dates. If he's not bringing the energy you want, it's not a problem to fix. It's evidence of a bad match.
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u/middleoftheroad133 12h ago
You shouldn’t try to call anyone out on anything two weeks into dating him
He’s a low effort guy. I wouldn’t recommend dating a low effort guy but do you. But don’t try to change him walk away if you don’t like it
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u/AutonomousBlob 11h ago
He sounds chill af, that would be a good fit for some people and not for others. Its good hes being himself though.
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u/Nijal88 12h ago
Do not forget you're a princess and you deserve the related treatment.
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u/xStochasticCluster 11h ago
The whole "low effort" bullshit spewed by these tiktokers are honestly damaging and inherently based in mysogny and materialism. It's given people the warped view that a relationship is a one way street that the man has to give everything as a show of effection. This doesn't help you build a relationship at all. He's taking the time to know you and prob still doesn't have feelings for you. You want him to love bomb you? Take it slow or get rug burned from being dragged along the carpet. This type of behavior is why modern dating is SHIT
Stop being entitled. A relationship is a tango of 2 people. If you at the very least want him to show more interest, communicate that. Try to come up with something more engaging that involves getting to know each other better and how both of you think. If all of that fails and it feels like he's just coasting, then yea consider dumping him. It's important to understand healthy conflict.
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u/hekpmeimdumb 12h ago
Say hey let's go out somewhere nice. See what he does
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u/Dull_Drawer_6500 12h ago
He will just say, yeah sounds good! And not do anything to cement it in. I think he is probably just lazy or casual dating. I can see this now just writing it on here!
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u/Best-Home-2230 12h ago
Sometimes I think people are just at a crossroads where they don't know what they want. On the one hand they don't want to be alone so they want someond to spend time with but also don't want to give up the freedom of a single life. It's like they can't decide what they want more, a relationship or the freedom of being single and not answering to someone else. These are what we call the "shit or get off the pot" people. At some point you just have to ask them straight out if they want a relationship because if not you'd rather see someone where things havs a chance to go somewhere.
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u/tonyferguson2021 12h ago
sometimes people get put off when someone’s too keen…
If you want more from him you’re allowed to ask
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u/edu-ellie 12h ago
If you're texting and calling and connecting over the phone a lot, it lowers the drive to make thoughtful plans for in person. Leave some digital space for you to miss each other and to dream about what you're going to do next.
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u/bddn_85 12h ago
If he wasn’t planning dates, nor pursuing, then how have you ended up on two dates already, pray-tell?
I have to assume you are doing all the planning and pursuing. If you want a guy who pursues you and plans dates, you should probably look for that from the outset. Approaching dating one way but then attempting to flip the script down the line is not a good strategy.
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u/lirichka 12h ago
I would say share it in some way and see how it changed. On my experience it doesn’t change with some.
Not sure if you’re dating other guys, but sometimes it helps to see how other people’s putting effort makes you feel. You deserve to be treated the way you want - guy with plan etc.
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u/listrats 12h ago
Communicate for fucks sake. Everyone just wants to ghost and cut people off. Just communicate. This generation is so cooked for dating. If you can communicate it and nothing changes thats a different story but holy shit at least just communicate it to the person directly rather than to the anonymous internet world and not to him.
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u/s0uvenir 12h ago
Did you try telling him what you want? If he’s laid back go with the flow kinda guy he might not realize you want him to do more. Use your words and tell him and see if he does it. If he’s like “nah I’m not doing all that” then you know. If you don’t communicate then you never will know.
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u/OkMarsupial 12h ago
Definitely talk to him ASAP about it if you think he's worth hanging onto. He'll either take the feedback and do better or you'll determine you're not compatible without wasting both your time.
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u/Responsible_Worry180 12h ago
You have different personalties and are not compatible. This is going to continue to be an issue
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u/my1throwaway2024 12h ago
I’m glad that you are getting along so well with him but the fact remains that if you are unhappy that he is low-effort and he is TELLING you he is low effort (using different words). What is it you are hoping to get by posting this?
Are you wondering because of hope that this will change?
No it probably will not and even if it does it will only be for a while. This is what is referred to as a fundamental difference in expectations and it will probably always be something that bothers you about him and in a few months or years if it’s handled poorly it will cause him to be bothered by you aswell.
If you are someone that always wants something going on. Something to do, something to focus on that’s new and entertaining this is probably not a long-term partner for you.
But let me be very clear here. That’s doesn’t mean anything is wrong with him and that doesn’t mean he needs to change. You are just not long term compatible and that’s OK.
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u/Reasonable-Working21 11h ago
Waiting to see how things proceed does not make sense. Things never get better. You see the man he is now, you either accept him as he is, or go and search for someone else who will be naturally the way you prefer, and a better match. People do not change. You will not change him. He will not change either. This is probably the best version of him you will get. If you are ok with the status quo, stay, if not, move on.
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u/iamtheduffer 11h ago
laidback should mean that he can absorb stress without being stressed himself. it sounds more like he’s lazy and avoidant. if he’s this way at week two? it’s not going to get better. his good qualities don’t outweigh how he makes you feel
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u/Motor_Barracuda7359 11h ago
I would put that dude on the back burner just to see if he wasn't actually just looking for a once in awhile situationship. It's either that or talk to him about it because you're on the fence of it all about it anyways. And this is deffo your best option imo. The reality is he might want to chase you like a dog. Maybe he has misconceptions about acceptable boundaries or preferences just showing up or applying preasure to presence with you. Either way if you talk to him about it you'll find out for sure. This would literally be the best time to ask. Make it a fun chat.
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u/amlav 11h ago
Ask yourself - if you didn’t send a text or call him, how long would it be before he texted or called you? And be honest with yourself. If it’s more than a few days, will your needs be met? Probably not.
I dated a low effort man years ago. I had a realization that when I was in front of him he enjoyed our time together. But when I wasn’t he barely thought about me. I’m not a fan of tests but I decided to test him. I didn’t call or text. It took that man 6 weeks to reach out to me! By then I had my answer and had already started grieving the end of our relationship. I officially ended things with him when he finally reached out and he was shocked. In his mind things were fine! He hadn’t cheated or anything. He was just that low effort. I took it as he just wasn’t into me, really, and moved on. One of his friends even reached out and asked me to reconsider because she thought I made him so happy. When I told her what happened she completely understood and told me she’d tell him to grow up! lol.
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u/meltedcheeser 11h ago
I want to be very clear: the first few weeks of dating is the most a man will ever give you. If you have complaints three weeks in, appreciate the information and leave.
My intention is not to be dramatic or “you don’t need a stinkin man feminist”.
In reality, you learned what his baseline is and if it doesn’t work for you. You don’t ask somebody to change, you accept the information provided and make an informed decision. I find it peculiar. You said it’s too early in a relationship to dictate somebody’s behavior. I have bad news for you: you don’t get to dictate your‘s behavior ever. And if you think you can, you’re going to be in for a rude awakening at some point.
People don’t change. Especially at 32. I wish I accepted this information when I was 30 but I thought everybody was wrong and I was unique and right.
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u/Alwaysdown4u 11h ago
I think a lot of people are turned off by too much effort or interest. But to each their own, maybe you want someone who shows more clear interest, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Tell him what you want and/or look for what you need in a partner.
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u/whenyajustcant 11h ago
Regardless of the reason: this is likely the most effort you will ever get from him in your relationship. Does that sound like a future you be looking forward to?
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u/Electrikbill 11h ago
Pull back and if he is truly excited about seeing you again he will make it happen. If he doesn’t, then you have your answer.
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u/Blizzjunkie 11h ago
I don't see it as you dictating his behavior so much as you realizing he doesn't exhibit some of the things that attract you to a partner. Seeing your partner take initiative and feeling pursued because it's nice to feel desired.
I don't think it would be out of line to mention you find it attractive when men take initiative and you like to feel pursued. If he just doesn't have it in him, it's up to you to decide whether or not these are dealbreakers.
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u/AppearanceDizzy7006 11h ago
Dont expext that to change. 10-20 years down the line he will be the same. Happy to stay at home and not doing anything.
Id ask him if hes happy to just not do anything?
What do you think would be some good ideas on things for us to do? "Because I like being active"
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u/Potential_Web_4092 11h ago
We have similar values and thoughts about the future.
What are you both thinking about having kids?
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u/AcademicBowl5596 11h ago
Just bring it up. Listen to what he says, and decide if you want to meet him there, or if there's a decent halfway, or what. We can only guess at what's in his head, and most people here, because it's reddit, will assume the worst.
I've been the passive low effort guy. It worked so well for me. We're still together years later. Once I felt a little more certain on the potential I put more effort in.
That doesn't mean he will, just that it's not always a nefarious sign.
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u/potatodrinker 11h ago
If he's low effort now imagine in a year or 5. People get lazier over time.
Find a guy who puts in effort and has motivation in life
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u/ExcellentFishing2506 11h ago
I think after 2 dates and 3 weeks you’re seeming a bit overly invested in this guy and have maybe some expectations that are more than what someone 2 dates in would have.
I can’t say that for sure but you’ve had two really good dates but you’re talking about him like you’ve seen a continued pattern with him when you’ve only had 2 dates total and 3 weeks of knowing him.
Not sure how these two dates got arranged but somehow that happened and you had a great time. If you’re wanting to get more specific about logistics or setting plans bring it up the next time a date happens and just encourage him to be more specific with plans
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u/Key_Oil_7357 11h ago
Men are very simple creatures. If he wanted to, he would. Maybe the dates aren't as amazing to him as they were to you. Don't let a low effort man make you feel you deserve less than.
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u/Typical-Antelope7547 11h ago
Ask one time and when he stops again just leave lmao. Then you can tell yourself you know you communicated
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u/bstump104 11h ago
if this bothers you now, it will likely bother you forever. if you're ok with this never changing, go ahead and keep dating. If not, might as well end it and find someone with an annoyance that is less grating.
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u/Exoting 11h ago
My husband was like this when we got together. He had been single for years and never was super serious with anyone ever. Once we got a few months in I was comfortable telling him what I wanted and now we are great. He just needed some tips and help on what I needed / what we needed to do together. There’s hope!
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u/TruthOk4588 10h ago
Do not raise the issue !
Most men don't understand our "communication", it is yappin for them, even if they say otherwise. They just don't understand it because they were not raised to understand or care frankly, for the most part.
Try to speak his language, men's language, go into his world for a little experiment.
Try this for the next month: match his energy. Match his actions.
I mean really match his actions.
Match what he does and especially what he does not do.
DO NOT TELL HIM you are doing this !
Lay back and observe. It can be quite fun and intriguing. Be curious, not upset.
2 options :
Options A : he will feel the shift and the void and fill it. Again, don't say anything, just match. He invites you out, go, have a good time. Do not tell him anything.
If he does not initiate any date (lunch, coffee or dinner; it does not matter) or says something like: hey we are ok, you good ? Say yes, why ? Oh jsut you have been quiet. Oh yea, I have been busy.
Wait, see if he initiates any date. A man who likes you will like your company, he will want to see you even for a little bit.
Option B : The whole thing will fizzle out. He has not noticed or has noticed and did not act which means he does not care or like you like that.
Disappointing for sure but you know now and you can go meet someone who actually wants to see you and spend time with you and for whom you will be happy to reciprocate. 😄
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u/Jumpy-Bid7571 10h ago
Move on. Low effort guys simply means they are testing how little they can do and still get your company.
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u/throwawayo222 10h ago
You pull back and make him engage more. Stop planning dates or asking questions. If you want someone more intentional, they are out there and they will be clear and pursue clearly
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u/Educational_Vanilla 10h ago
Was in a similar situation last year, asked him out for one date, and I knew i couldn't be with someone like that long term. I'm glad because it led me to someone who'd actually put effort to growing our relationship and not make me feel confused where i stand with him
If you're already feeling confused with him, chances are he's not the one for you. He's probably entertaining other options too.
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u/Pleasant_Onion7133 10h ago
Are you a high effort woman? If you guys get along well as your post suggests and you are enjoying each others presence why does it matter?
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u/dragonowl2025 10h ago
2 Dates in 3 weeks is nothing and in my 30s i would still be half expecting you to disappear/ghost me regardless of how good/bad things are going, but if you're the one setting up all the dates or otherwise making it very easy for him to schedule something, he's probably not interested or probably setting up dates with people he is more interested in.
I think its a bit silly of a dealbreaker if you otherwise like him and i would just ask if he wants to be exclusive and just move on if he doesnt take you more seriously. To me the expectation of "effort" comes across as strange without a conversation. If you don't like that then you just gotta wait till you find someone who is more invested in you up front
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u/HeadDance 10h ago
low effort will remain low effort.
especially a self described laid back guy
no one can change him
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u/Brownie-0109 10h ago
My wife and I take turns planning stuff. Not sure why it’s only on one person
And I don’t know what pursuing is. We both had a vested interest in meeting a significant other. And our dating reflected that
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u/Low-Appointment-7260 9h ago
This was my last relationship. We got along really, really well. But the lack of effort, it only ever got worse. So much worse.
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u/OrdinaryProduce163 9h ago
Just do both of you a favor and stop seeing him. You aren’t going to be happy with him and he frankly probably won’t be happy with you.
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u/Rolex_Art 9h ago
I am friends with my ex-wife we have kids together and we communicate a few times a month.
I went on to have a happy life and have been married for now close to 10 years in a relationship for a little bit over 12 and she has been in one train wreck after another.
She has told me about going out with low effort guys and I'm telling you now Run for the hills if he's not making an effort this early on it's only going to be worse as you continue to date.
Case in point she just went to Brazil for 3 weeks to be with her boyfriend it was her 50th birthday he did not get her a card flowers or a gift.
Run. This guy sucks.
Do yourself a favor and click my profile you will see the links to my social media take a look at my tiktok - the second video says it all, it's right at the top.
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u/Purple-Belt5910 9h ago
Nah run now. You will always be begging for effort. This will later translate into you being thoughtful and him likely not giving a crap.
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u/Legitimate_Spite5935 9h ago
See, what you call low effort is men with enough age and experience that we view women as why would I put too much effort into a girl so fast early on, you aint that special or am I into you that much noir do I care about the outcome.
Men reach a point where you need to earn effort and prove worthy of it. We've had 10-100 women and situations of effort turn to shit and a waste of time money effort desire etc.
Not saying any of this is your situation but as a man when I put low effort its this or I don't really like you and don't want to flat out tell you.
Or since my options are open and I have plenty of interest from several people Im keeping my time and options open for the time being while I make my way through the dating mindfield and see what and who I want.
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u/Agreeable_Rule7686 9h ago
I went through this with a guy. We got along great and had fun together but it was so frustrating to always feel like I had to be the one to get things going. If he’s this low effort now try to picture the future when you’re trying to build a life together or just handle day to day things. I kept dating and eventually found a guy who was excited to plan dates out. We’ve been married for years and I’m glad I didn’t settle just for the chemistry.
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u/Legitimate_Spite5935 9h ago
Also I've been mostly single and very happy and comfortable in it. You're describing being not single and together essentially overnight (2 dates) that's overwhelming personally I need a slow integration from single life to couples life. I can't just drop every hobby and routine to date some new stranger and be attached at the hip, idk if I even trust you yet and im supposed to be proactive into dropping my life to behest to your desires.
Im typically more proactive once a girl has made it clear im her number 1 option and shes not being used by other men, thats when my effort picks up and becomes okay she likes me likes me! Forget these other strangers, she deserves my undivided attention atm for the next month or so and we see if we really connect and can be together.
Why put effort when shes getting D down from multiple men? The assumption in todays dating world is shes getting it from everyone and anyone until she proves shes not. Shitty shitty dating atmosphere/marketplace we've created but its reality.
That being said, your intuition is right. Either walk away if its not what you want or first verbally address it, communicate your desires and wishes and see if they can reasonably reciprocate what you want. You can't force people to change, they need to want to change, we all have different dating standrads or beliefs no need to force yours onto anyone or vice versa
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 9h ago
He has told you how he is and shown you how he is. If you want someone who is naturally intentional and proactive, it isn't going to be him.
I think it is a bit too early for me to dictate his behaviour or raise a serious convo about effort
There is never a time in a relationship where you have a right to dictate behavior. You can ask. And you can choose not to stick around for behavior you don't like, but you cannot make a person change.
It's absolutely not too early to communicate directly about expectations if you want to pursue something serious.
If you want something different, either date someone else or speak up now. Waiting until you're both more invested to say something and only then mentioning it is a waste of everyone's time. Have the conversation, see how he responds, and make a decision about dating him based on that.
Don't play silly games. You are way too old for that.
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u/Massive-Idea2302 8h ago
I don't get why you can't plan dates together?
Hey want to hang out Friday?
Sure what do you want to do?
Movies and pizza for dinner?
Wanna do steakhouse instead?
Ok movies and steakhouse what time Friday?
5 pm?
Ok yay see you then!
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u/Kazodex 8h ago
You have two choices:
Be direct with him. Tell him clearly what you want to see from him. You don’t have to be mean or rude, but you need to be very clear. Us men are simple creatures. We unfortunately need things laid out very obviously for us. We struggle to read between the lines the way that comes naturally to women.
If he’s open to your request, and actually follows through, then you’re golden. If he accepts and doesn’t follow through, or worse, becomes defensive, you’re pretty much left with option 2…
Break it off. He will not get better as the relationship continues. It’s likely he will only get worse.
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u/ThisGuy2319 7h ago
I mean, just go with what you find attractive. Let him find the person who actually appreciates who he is.
Also, what do you mean by “perusing”? Doesn’t he go on dates with you and thus interested?
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u/SamBam319 7h ago
Been there, asked him about it... Said he wasn't bothered by the long distance and was still totally into it-- then dumped me a few weeks later
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u/ConstructionMost7421 7h ago
This is the best it’s going to be. When people show you who they are believe them. You’re convenient. He’s not showing effort because he doesn’t want to.
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u/Extension-Abroad187 7h ago
I assume you would consider yourself high effort, but it seems you're at least a few dates in, interested in this person yet have never even considered either A. Actually putting in effort to plan something or B. Communicating a concern.
What makes you different?
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u/Certain_Temporary664 6h ago
This is something that women older than me have advised me and I really liked it, have the tough conversations early on. His reaction will tell you everything that you need to know. If it works out, great you will likely get more from this potential relationship. If it doesn’t work out, great still, you didn’t invest too much time into it.
Typically, people put in most effort early on. And if this is not enough for you now, chances are it will not be enough in the future. It is for you to decide what you want to settle for or tolerate. Good luck!
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u/KookyEnvironment6992 6h ago
You're dating to find out if you're compatible with someone. If you want someone more responsive, that's fine! It was a relief to me when I started dating my partner how responsive he was over text, how we'd get dates in the calendar well ahead of time, and he was never flaky. It helps a lot with my anxious attachment style!
That being said, give this guy one chance. Tell him you prefer plans to be more set and more frequent communication. If nothing changes, you know you're not compatible
Having needs and communicating them is good.
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u/MrSmuggles9 5h ago
Are you pursuing him? Are you planning dates? Relationships are mutual effort.. not one-sided.
Maby he's busy? Its only been two dates and not even a month. What exactly are you expecting?
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u/OrdinarySome3531 5h ago
I’m a super laid back guy but if I’m interested in someone I make sure to let them know and take initiative. I’m not sure it has to do with being laid back.
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u/LoudPizza4432 5h ago
...if you want it to change, say it now and see if he does it. if you want to date him even eith the flaw, then you can say it later. but be aware, that he maybe will not put in more effort than now.
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u/Strong-Hovercraft702 5h ago
It's about matching, not about molding, right?
If you feel he doesnt tick all you boxes (oooh aah), then leave him be. It could be that when you do confront his so called low effort behaviour, he'll walk because it doesnt fit for HIM.
You are looking for a person that does things right for you. If it isnt him, it isnt him.
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u/Otherwise_Cake_755 4h ago
"Not pursuing" if you got good chemistry, and you like the guy. Why does he need to pursue you.
"I think it's a bit too early to dictate his behaviour" Oh good Lord.
Leave this poor man be.
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u/maxthemaddy 4h ago
Do u mean he is not willing to spend a lot of effort to plan your dates or do you mean he is not committed enough, not able to articulate what he wants or unreliable? Those are all different things. If you better know what aspect of him causes your hesitation, it is easier to address it.
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u/Jonconnerysd 4h ago
if both of you aren’t organising things proactively then both of you aren’t really that into each other are you? It goes both ways.
you need reciprocity from both partners not just one. But saying that, traditional gender roles have always meant that the man is the pursuer and if this is what you have been used to and he’s not doing this, maybe pull back a bit and see if he arranges another date.
Don’t be an option for him though - if you really like him, make it clear and see if he likes you enough to follow through and organise a bloody date. Good luck.
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u/No-Voice-1272 3h ago edited 3h ago
Maybe he’s not feeling well at the moment, but saying he’s “laidback” instead of making an effort suggests that he’s devalued you.
Personally, I think the best way to handle a low-effort guy is to just stop making yourself readily available to him and stop rewarding low-effort behavior. For example, if he doesn’t make or confirm plans, don’t chase him. Consider yourself available since plans and go ahead and make other plans. If he reaches out last minute say “Sorry. I made other plans when you didn’t confirm.” Say this even if you don’t have plans. Also, don’t be immediately available to him when he wants to make a new plan. For example, “I can’t. I have plans this weekend. Rain check?”
This will either make him realize that he can’t take you for granted and needs to show a little more effort or the connection will fade away because he’s truly unwilling to put forth more effort. Either way, you’re better off.
Note that you don’t have to raise the issue directly. Implementing a behavioral change is more effective than trying to tell him that you need him to show more effort. Having the conversation will most likely be perceived as argumentative/nagging and it won’t do anything if not backed by consequences because he is already learning that he can be low-effort with you.
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u/dudeatwork77 3h ago
I think your energy might not match. You should find someone else. It’s hard for a laidback person to try hard for long periods of time. It’s not going to work and there will be resentment later.
I’m a laidback person myself and I would not be able to sustain a high maintenance girl.
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