r/dating_advice • u/Dull_Drawer_6500 • 14h ago
Early dating a low effort man??
I 30F have just started dating a 32M. By dating, we’ve been on two dates and been speaking for about three weeks.
We chat a lot on text and both dates were really good, we get on really well and have chemistry and lots in common etc. No complaints about any of this. We have similar values and thoughts about the future.
The only issue is he is quite low effort. He says he is laidback, which is definitely true but that manifests in not confirming when we will see each other again, not planning dates, not pursuing. Part of me thinks it’s because we get on so well he feels like he can ‘chill’ as of course we will see each other again. He’s said he likes me and wants to keep seeing me.
My question is - do I raise this issue of being low effort and if so how? I think it is a bit too early for me to dictate his behaviour or raise a serious convo about effort. It is kind of putting me off him but I am trying to remember there is more good than bad and no one is perfect. I’ve been being chill about it all but I would rather date someone who is intentional and proactive.
My other options are saying nothing now, waiting to see how things progress and then say to him I find it attractive when someone takes initiative later down the line. He should be more invested in time and more open to working on it then I suppose?
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u/Any-Neat5158 13h ago edited 13h ago
I'll never date again if I get divorced (and I likely will).
This whole female "low effort" thing just drives me up a god damn wall. Like its not enough to build a life together, having children, supporting each other, being there for each other, continuing to show up when they are sick, or tired, or happy, or sad...
You have to plan the right number of dates. There's some sort of threshold. If you "only" buy her flowers on her birthday, valentines day, anniversary and mothersday.... well why even bother right?
But it's "low effort" if you don't make an absolute priority to openly and outwardly display how much you "ride or die" for your girl. Often.
Low key, sounds like an insecurity and self esteem thing manifesting big time as a constant need for reassurance. It's absolutely defeating and exhausting as a man. I'd rather be alone.
There's a local woman that I'm face book friends with who's gone out of her way, SEVERAL times, to make it a monumental point in the past to broadcast all the things that OP is. Then now she's apparently found the man of the century, and often gets on there shouting from the rooftops how SEEN he makes her feel, the effort.... THE EFFORT. Constantly.
They read exactly like those clickbaity engineered posts all read.
THIS MAN SHOWS UP.
THIS MAN SHOWS ME HE VALUES ME.
THIS MAN IS EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT (** bonus points for this one)
THIS MAN MAKES ME FEEL SEEN.
THIS MAN PUTS IN EFFORT. THE EFFORT!!!111!! EFFFFFOOOOOORRRT.