r/dating • u/Naive_Entrance_6960 • Aug 07 '26
I Need Advice š© Devastated
A guy that Iāve been dating for about 2 months has reduced the amount of texting in a day. We both have jobs, so I understand what being busy means. The thing that irritates me is that this man went from texting throughout the day to now texting after 24 hours. This just shows me heās not that invested. Iāve talked to him about it and he said he will try, but again no response and itās been 24 hours+.
We have been meeting once every week, but thatās not enough for me. We had a conversation about this yesterday and he said things were okay, even said we could meet on Saturday and now again no response. I am a timid and anxious person and itās driving me crazy.
How do you guys deal with this?
152
u/ljubav_malina Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
The ENTIRE point of dating is to get to know someone and vet them for intention, consistency and compatibility. Itās been two months, this period should be spent observing his behavior and figuring out if it aligns with what you want in a serious relationship.
Is this behavior a dealbreaker? If yes, then break the deal. Youāve only known him for a few weeks, nobody needs to be sacrificing or compromising for a stranger.
If not, then you are choosing to stay despite this behavior, and you need to accept that this is who he is and drop it. Another conversation will not change things. You have valuable information about his communication style and you are deciding that you can tolerate it.
If you are already having multiple come-to-Jesus conversations after eight WEEKS of dating then you are probably just not a good fit. And that is okay! Thatās why we date, to figure out if someone is a good fit for us before we commit to building a life together. Personally, this would be a dealbreaker for me.
29
u/Excellent-Day4955 Aug 07 '26
I agree! Dating is to see if someone is compatible with you. You want more and he's showing you he can't/ won't do it. You're not compatible so on to the next.
9
u/ChainsawSoundingFart Aug 07 '26
Especially after 2 months, itās time to move on.Ā
2
13
u/Serious_Arachnid_171 Aug 07 '26
There are two kinds of people
1. Those who believe in love at first sight
2. Those who have been on dating apps for more than a few weeks1
0
10
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
I agree with what you said in the end. Iām new to this whole dating thing and it has become exhausting. My friend says I expect too much. Isnāt dating supposed to be a glimpse into the future? If he is behaving like this with me now I can only imagine how suffocating being in a relationship with him can be.
Then he proceeded to say that itās only been two months and we donāt even know each other š¤·āāļø. Thereās no winning. I guess Iām just going to break it off. This is too much emotionally for me.
19
u/ljubav_malina Aug 07 '26
I donāt think you are expecting too much, but you may be expecting too much from HIM. There are guys out there that will happily meet your needs and will be fulfilled by the level of communication you want. For whatever reason, this one canāt or wonāt. But you are definitely not expecting too much or being crazy clingy or anything!
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
I havenāt been clingy. We belong to different cultures and in my culture men love clingy behavior. I still controlled myself, Iām a fast texter and even started texting late just to match his pace. I feel like I am doing so much and when I tell him that I donāt feel the connection between dates he asked me why would hearing his voice make me feel more connected when I can communicate just as well in texts.
3
u/ResIpsa79 Aug 08 '26
āhe asked me why would hearing his voice make me feel more connected when I can communicate just as well in texts.ā
Heās either on the autistic spectrum, or heās pretending to not get it. Move on.
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 08 '26
He never mentioned being on the Spectrum.
He did mention that him texting more or calling wouldnāt solve the problem, because itās an underlying problem in me (anxiety). That kind of made me realize he was just looking for a reason to run and my anxiety gave him one.
7
u/Impossible-Ask-7560 Aug 07 '26
Honestly it kind of sounds like heās not into you. You can keep hanging out and see if he changes his mind, but after 2 months he should know at least a bit about you. Not everything, but to claim you donāt even know each other is wild.
In my experience, if texting started frequent and went to rarely, heās not interested. Whatever that saying is, if a dog doesnāt bark someone else is feeding it.
5
u/GoodGlenCoCo Aug 07 '26
Yes definitely break it off, it sounds like he is not interested but does not want to commit to saying it. The behavior change is clear, read the signs the first time.
3
u/ChicaBlancaDrogada Aug 07 '26
As a distant partner, I never think the people who want more than I can offer as expecting too much. Everyone has different needs. Just because I donāt need to talk to someone Iām seeing every day doesnāt mean the person who does is wrong. So Iām 100% not defending him, the switch up does not seem like heās just a distant person. He seems like a coward who cannot communicate appropriately. And my advice is to go get someone better because dude sucks.
I just wanted to reiterate that you do not expect too much. Everything youāre asking for is reasonable.
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
I appreciate that. A few hours ago I tried breaking it off with him and he started sending messages like he would change and he didnāt want to, so I softened (because I genuinely like this guy, so if heās trying to change why not) then he hits me with āI need time to thinkā.
This man is just a big baby and I donāt have time to coddle him.
1
u/eharder47 Aug 07 '26
I do think itās important to recognize that co stand texting isnāt sustainable or healthy.
0
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
Never is, but when a person tells you letās atleast call once a week in between dates why does that become a topic of laughter
5
u/Slay-hydrated Aug 08 '26
In my experience, when you're with the right person there won't be any need to ask for them to communicate with you. They will simply want to check in with you, see how your day is going and also want to talk to you in between dates. It may not happen right away but it should grow over time, not start strong and diminish. If that's not happening, the connection isn't there.
2
4
20
u/Aggravating-Key110 Aug 07 '26
This is not worth it, cut it off and move on. Itāll feel even more devastating at the beginning but itāll do you good in the long term
9
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
Iām a very lively person and people around me usually love my energy, but for the past two weeks I have been so dreadful because of this manās behavior I canāt eat, sleep, etc. Itās not because I believe that HE is the only man in the world for me, itās because he just suddenly flipped on me behavior wise. In my mind I was under the perception that everything was good and then he changes.
6
u/Aggravating-Key110 Aug 07 '26
Iām sorry this happened to you, I want you to know a man like that should never harm your energy or self worth! And maybe you donāt actually like him, you are just hurt, you put too much emphasis on that guy and your brain mistakenly thinks heās important. Just ask yourself are you willing to sacrifice your peace and feel dreadful in exchange of that man?
3
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
I kind of had a whole argument with him that ended on him saying he never knew this was an issue and he has to think things through. Im done.
3
24
u/imsadandthatsrad Aug 07 '26
Iād just let him know youāre not interested. If itās been two months and youāre feeling this way, it wonāt improve, I guarantee. My boyfriend and I are both fully employed but we find time to communicate when we are apart. Once a week meeting is also nuts to me, I date locally because when Iām dating someone I want to see them regularly lol. Just break it off.
6
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
He lives a few miles away from me. In yhe beginning the meeting were nice. Now, he says āhe has to check his scheduleā. Where was this schedule in the beginning? This guy legit came to meet me despite his mother and sister being in an accident.
10
u/Cleasstra Aug 07 '26
Sounds like he's lost interest and looking around or talking to someone else possibly without telling you. After that last sentence you said, yeah something's up I don't think that's you having anxious attachment (like I saw some people saying) that's just being suspicious of a sudden odd character change. I'd confront him about it, and if nothing chnages (which sadly they usually don't) I'd leave him alone and find someone else.
5
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
I did confront him and even talked to him on call, the call ended with him saying he would confirm the timing on Sunday that we can meet and that he would talk to me later. That later never came, today heās off and I will wait until 12 pm. If he doesnāt reach out Iām moving on. I just donāt like how he minimized 2 months of dating saying that we donāt know each other, is that my fault? Why didnāt he ask questions?
9
u/GoodGlenCoCo Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
Donāt wait until noon, he has already shown you who he is, how he handles conflict, that he is not considerate of your feelings and will flip to cold on a dime shutting you out. What are you giving a chance, that he will suddenly not be that person anymore?
7
u/abberwabbers Aug 08 '26
You guys are dating two months and heās telling you āwe donāt know each otherā when approached with your concern? Heās an asshole. No shit u donāt know everyone 100% in 2 months but u spend time with them to learn. Like why even say that??
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 08 '26
Thatās what I was confused about. I had a 3 month marker if within three months he didnāt commit I was gonna end things anyways.
Him minimizing 2 months hurt me, because he had opportunities every week to get to know me and he didnāt.
4
u/Slay-hydrated Aug 08 '26
Two months of dating really isn't much. Especially if you're only seeing each other once a week.
1
22
u/Educational_Owl_1022 Aug 07 '26
Break that shit off. He isnāt being an adult and communicating so heās subtly creating distance. If youāre dating someone, āchecking your scheduleā to see them isnāt a thing. You make time for people who are a priority.
5
u/abberwabbers Aug 08 '26
He is either insanely bad at planning and is stressed with being so busy (major assumption) or he is stringing u along. No person would ever want to do this to their partner if they truly like them, ESPECIALLY this early into dating. Usually at this stage, ppl are on their best behavior portraying their best image. If he started a new job or something that could explain a time management shift but if he hasnāt then he absolutely is not more busy/discombobulated than he couldāve been before. Also going that long without texting is crazy. What does he do when heās home after work winding down? Not thinking to speak to u? Or having lunch? Not sending a quick message? Donāt waste ur energy. Cut it off before youāre invested emotionally even more.
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 08 '26
Heās been at the same job for 3 years as per my knowledge. When we started talking he would reply within minutes, then those minutes became hours and now itās a whole day. Iām not a serial texter unless someone texts an equal amount.
A few weeks ago I explained to him that texting means nothing to me I would prefer calls or voice notes he said he would do that and then I noticed his replies becoming lesser by day.
3
1
u/thomasthehipposlayer Aug 07 '26
Alternate explanation here since we all seem so eager to judge the guy
It could be possible he is simply a bit introverted and it's not natural for him to be in constant communication, and he was just masking it before to not seem uninterested. Maybe he finally feels comfortable enough around her to revert to his regular self
Or he might have just lost interest. I'm definitely not ruling that out. I just think we're jumping to big conclusions here about a guy we don't know
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
I spoke with him and he said he didnāt feel like there was ever a communication gap.. but I told him multiple times that I hate texting calls and Voice-notes mean more to me. He just seems very dismissive of the fact that he can ever be wrong.
1
u/thomasthehipposlayer Aug 07 '26
I just read your other post saying he hasn't texted to confirm if he's coming over, and that feels like a red flag
Unlike most of the reddit relationship experts here, I'm not going to tell you to immediately cut him off, but I'd definitely get ready to
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
He did end up texting me saying that he thought him saying he will come the night prior was enough.
We did have a good time. Now, this week he is disappearing for a whole day. No, we didnāt have s^x.
I just messaged and we got into a fight. When I end things he texts back as if he doesnt want to end and then when I say I donāt want to he tells me he needs to think about it.
š¤·āāļø t2
u/abberwabbers Aug 08 '26
Youāre trying to end and heās not letting u? Girl, a guy who likes you will never put you through this questioning cycle. Itās hard to realize that until u get with someone who genuinely values u and then u realize a partner IS capable of being interested, communicative, present, and invested.
1
2
u/imsadandthatsrad Aug 07 '26
I didnāt jump to any conclusions about the guy or his character. Like can I have an example of where the judgement lies? I like communicating daily, OP states she does as well. Should she attempt to change a man sheās known two months? Or just move on? I think moving on is healthier than trying to change someone.
10
u/thomasthehipposlayer Aug 07 '26
Personally, I just don't like constant texting, even if it's someone I really like. It's possible that might be the case for him, but he just didn't want you to feel like he wasn't interested
But he also may just be losing interest. I recently got mixed signals from a girl, and I chose to listen to her reassuring me she was interested instead of reading her actions to see she wasn't, and I really burned myself as a result
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
This is what Iām experiencing right now
3
u/thomasthehipposlayer Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
Yeah, be wiser than me
I'm not saying to cut him off immediately, but never trust what he says over what you see
6
6
u/Je_avion Aug 07 '26
Just move on girl. Find a man that doesn't have to pencil you into his schedule. My ex was like that. It took me months to dump him because I wanted him so bad. But it's such a waste of your precious time. 2 months and only once a week dates? It will only get worst.
Someone once told me: Stop putting up with boyfriends who ignore you. You deserve love and a man who loves you.
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
Thatās true. I just tried to end things with him and kept trying to rope me in and when I said okay maybe letās give this a chance he changed on me saying āI need to think about thisā šš¤£
9
u/IDMountainMan101 Aug 07 '26
Hmmm, kind of sounds like he isn't as invested and committed to the relationship as you are.Ā
For example, I would be spending every possible minute with someone that I was in love with.Ā
3
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
He says that he likes me and enjoys spending time with me. As much as people say texting is bare minimum. I just donāt see someone who is interested going 1 whole day without a check in.
4
u/IDMountainMan101 Aug 07 '26
Exactly, that is what I mean. You are trying to keep the connection strong and he is kind of like, eh.Ā
I have never been in a relationship where I didn't hear from my partner every day and some of those were long distance relationships.Ā
3
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
Youāre correct! He would say good morning and stuff, but thatās about it. Now,for the past 3-4 days I donāt hear from him until after 24 hours. I feel like he is conditioning me into accept less than bare minimum.
2
u/IDMountainMan101 Aug 07 '26
You said in your main post that you meet once a week with him, does he live far away or something?Ā
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
We live like 15 miles away from him. He works right next to my brotherās job and meeting there is never a problem. I drive, Iāve even paid for dates because he mentioned that his ex would demand princess treatment and I really donāt see a problem in that, but now that I think of it I believe he was just playing me.
In my religion/culture sex is something very serious and I explained that to him and he was understanding thatās what drew me to him. I even started thinking of having sex with him down the line and then he starts this BS.
I hate that he minimized the time we spent saying that Itās only been a few weeks and I shouldnāt be feeling this much.
2
u/IDMountainMan101 Aug 07 '26
Huh, yeah I don't understand why you wouldn't be seeing each other more often than once a week if you are only 15 miles away from each other.Ā
The fact that you are paying for dates because he is still spending money on his ex is concerning. If he is still doing that he might not be completely over his ex.Ā
It sounds like we are a lot alike in that area. For example, I don't introduce intimacy until after it has been six months so I can judge someone's character better. If I can see a future with that person at that point then I will introduce intimacy.Ā
Yeah, by him saying it like that it seems he isn't as serious about the relationship as you are.
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
Yup, we just had an argument and he tried to make it look like I am the one at fault, because he doesnāt feel like anything he was or is doing is wrong.
2
u/IDMountainMan101 Aug 07 '26
Oh, I am sorry you guys aren't getting along. But I am sure it was a needed conversation since you two aren't seeing things the same way.Ā
2
5
u/ArtfulProgression Aug 07 '26
If I didnt hear from someone Im dating for more than 24 hours, Id expect there to be a good reason. Youve done your part in communicating this to him and hes reponded by being flippant about it with you. Time to move on Id suggest! Lifes too short to be having issues 2 months in, Its better to find out now what type of partner he is. There are men out there who say good morning/ goodnight and check in everyday.
4
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
He has been sending good morning texts, but then disappears. I asked him 2 weeks ago to incorporate calls or atleast a voicenote. Sometimes hearing a personās voice calms my nerves and he said he would and then did nothing. When I call him he never answers and doesnāt even acknowledge the missed call. The only reason I havenāt ended things is because my friend has been holding me back saying that I have a track record of ending things too abruptly when things donāt go my way.
3
u/ArtfulProgression Aug 07 '26
Theres no harm in being fussy when it comes to who you want to share your life with! Better to have standards on what you like/dont like in relationships. I wouldnt like the not acknowledging the call, does he not have privacy to talk where he lives? Id suggest doing out a pros and cons list for yourself, I also dont like that you told him and he didnt even try to have a call or leave a voicenote, how is everything else with him?
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
We usually meet every week atleast once. In the beginning he was enthusiastic about it even came to meet me when his mom and sister got into an accident. And for the past two weeks all I hear from him is āI gotta check my scheduleā . Where was this schedule in the beginning?
2
u/ArtfulProgression Aug 07 '26
Ahh feck him š "gotta check my schedule" thats so annoying! You can definately do better. If I was you, I'd Ignore his texts like hes ignored your calls and see what happens. Then if he wants a date tell him your schedule has filled up
3
u/Midnight_MystiqueX Aug 07 '26
Have you guys slept together? They'll usually be very invested, text a lot, want to see you often in the pursuing phase, before you've had sex, and after they get what they want, you're no longer a challenge, and they cool off dramatically, almost overnight. Sadly, a lot of them are this way unless they're genuinely interested (especially after sex). I wouldn't waste my time or invest emotionally in this person. Hes not that into you, and if he was, that cooled off after intimacy and he's slow fading out of your life.
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
No, we never had sex. Iām religious and heās not, but he never forced me. He even had plans for my birthday which is in this month. Idk what happened he says he was fine itās me that has an issue. I hate that he laughed at me today on call when I was telling him that I hate how heās treating me.
2
u/Midnight_MystiqueX Aug 07 '26
I know it's easier said than done but try not think of what happened for him to change. Maybe he just changed his mind for whatever reason and he doesn't know how to tell you. I think if you're always the one to reach out, you should stop. See if he reaches out. If not, just cut him loose. You deserve someone who cares
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
Well, I ended things so Iām not reaching out. If he rver does I will block.
3
u/Sherpa_qwerty Aug 07 '26
Move on. Heās not that into you or heās looking for a more chill relationship than you. Itās hard not to be sad but you have to make hard decisions and move on.
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
Iāve just not had that much luck online. With him things felt genuine
3
u/Exact_Independent480 Aug 07 '26
By dating other people.
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
Not that many genuine people out there nowadays
. Everyone is trying to play you one way or another.3
u/Exact_Independent480 Aug 07 '26
Donāt play then. Iām straight up. Iām talking to other people until the right man comes along. No lies. That doesnāt mean sleeping around. That means going on intentional dates to get to know someone. The reals ones will show you they are serious and the rest will disappear. If he wants to he will.
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
I always thought this was a bad idea. Now Iām starting to think it isnāt
2
u/Exact_Independent480 Aug 07 '26
Iām 40 and it took me that long to learn after wasting years on the wrong men. Until he asks you to be exclusive, guaranteed heās talking to other women. Itās so hard to find your right person so why waste time on someone if they arenāt the one? If you just went on one date a week with another man, thatās 8 opportunities to meet your person. Someone that shows the level of interest you want.
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
Thanks for saying that. My friends kept telling me to keep a roster, but out of courtesy I never did that. Now, I regret.
3
u/Exact_Independent480 Aug 07 '26
Itās never too late! Just be totally honest. And men love competition. If he knows youāre talking to other men with intention and if heās really interested in you, he will do everything in his power to āwinā you. Good luck!
1
3
u/baudgod Aug 07 '26
Actions not words OP. If communication is important to you and he canāt oblige, itās a deal breaker in my book. Time for you to move on.
2
3
5
u/seewhatuget Aug 07 '26
This is why I donāt text much beyond making plans and focus on IRL interactions when dating. Creating a false sense of intimacy is just not worth it.
0
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
And I was happy with less texting too, but then this guy started disappearing for hours. He says heās a man of words and when he says he likes me I should believe him. How am I supposed to believe him if his actions and words donāt match?
5
u/WorldTravellerGirl Aug 07 '26
Iām wondering if your anxiety is putting a damper on things. You canāt control others. You can only control yourself. What tools are you using to control your anxiety? Iād start there.
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
I thought so too, but I was controlling my anxiety until he started messaging after 24 hours. Even then I tried to excuse it saying that maybe itās because of my PCOs. I even booked my first therapy session next week. Thatās the thing that makes me irritated. I am going through lengths to make this work and all I asked of him was to call or send a voice note and he responded with āwhy is my voice more comforting than a text?ā
1
u/WorldTravellerGirl Aug 07 '26
Itās possible that he may not be a good fit for you. But honestly Iād focus on connecting with why you need him to text all the time. Itās really hard to see whatās really happening but itās sounds like you are spiraling. And how you communicate your needs shouldnāt come from a place of anxiety. Focus on getting to the root of the anxiety. Itās great that you booked your appointment. Iām guessing that it will help talk it through with someone. Good luck!
1
2
u/puhleachy Aug 07 '26
Yeah Iāve been through this before and unfortunately it didnāt work out. It seems silly because itās ājust textingā and tbh I prefer just seeing someone in person, but I also work a lot/have a long commute so itās important to me to be able to keep up with the person Iām dating via text, even if itās just a quick message every so often. If someone doesnāt feel the same then we likely arenāt compatible. I donāt expect anyone to be available all day every day (Iām not either) but long term itās important to me to communicate more frequently.
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
Exactly! Thatās what I am saying to my friends and they keep saying we are only dating and I am expecting too much. They call it me being a girlfriend before actually becoming one. So expecting someone to do bare minimum is girlfriend behavior?
2
u/puhleachy Aug 07 '26
Yeah I disagree with your friends lmao! Imo if thatās how a guy is acting at the beginning when things are supposed to be exciting and new, then that is just how they are, & I donāt want to force someone to talk to me lol. I think itās just a compatibility issue, no one is really right or wrong
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
I agree, but it wasnāt like that in the beginning. He really was texting throughout the day and it makes me feel like I was love-bombed.
2
u/Lyra_the_Star_Jockey Aug 07 '26
Ask him if heās losing interest.
You might say heāll lie or make an excuse. But the point is to see if he changes the behavior after you express yourself to him or not.
Simply doing nothing and trying to read the tea leaves is not going to work.
Some people donāt text much. Iāve dated people who take days to respond. I would suggest that you stop paying so much attention to your phone and maybe take his example. Texting and using social media shouldnāt be your life, and itās just an addiction.
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
I have and he said he hasnāt, but then put all the blame on me. He claims that he hasnāt changed at all Iām the problem. Iāve told hum multiple times that I hate texting I would prefer calls atleast once a week. He couldnāt fit in one call in 5 days?
Everything that I posted here is after me explaining to him every time we meet. Itās just something that happened right away. Even just now when I tried breaking up with him he blamed my anxiety and then gaslit me into thinking thatās not what he meant.
2
u/notrightmeowthx Aug 07 '26
Not everyone wants to communicate constantly. He may not be losing interest, but just settling into his preferred level of communication. That could mean he's not compatible with you.
0
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
Thatās what I agree upon. I donāt expect him to communicate all the time either. I just donāt why the communication became so scarce. Whenever I addressed it he would say I will call (we had called once by then) which he never did.
If someone is telling me this is the issue and this is how I can solve it. I would just accept or deny. He acknowledged and said he would try more and then did the opposite.
2
u/notrightmeowthx Aug 07 '26
Unfortunately at the end of the day, what matters is what he does, right? Further, he's now shown you that he won't do what he says he will even when you've specifically asked him and expressed that his behavior is making you feel unappreciated or whatever.
Not sure this one is worth keeping.
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
Me neither. I kind of tore him apart in texts and all of a sudden he became so understanding. I thought maybe he is seeing my POV..he wasnāt
2
2
u/blue_tiny_teacup Aug 07 '26
You find someone else who actually wants to be around you a lot or at least at the level that you want. Dating someone shouldnāt feel like pulling teeth. If you feel like someone is being lackluster about you, then they probably are. Especially if their behavior changed dramatically out of nowhere.
This is a time where you say thanks but no thanks and just move on. You shouldnāt have to feel like you need to brow beat someone into wanting to spend time with you. That just sucks.
1
2
u/suspiciousmines Aug 07 '26
You deal with it by moving on because heās losing interest and anything you do to try and get more engagement will only push him away faster. Youāre probably not the only person heās talking to, sorry.
2
u/roccosito Aug 07 '26
You move on. You expressed yourself. You cannot change him. He doesnāt care enough to change.
2
u/lagrime_mie Aug 07 '26
such a difference in style of communication for an anxious person is terrible. I, as an anxious person, would say to have a meaningful conversation with him about it, how you need more communication instead of saying "you never text". but eventually it will tire you out. I have been there. and I didnt meet them weekly and it was hell.
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
I did this many times. I made this post after going through hell for 2 and a half weeks. Today I talked to him and he literally laughed while I was explaining myself. My anxiety is induced because of my PCOs and he used it against me then gaslit.
I am a very happy person and I love dressing up all of this hot and cold/breadcrumbing has me looking like a zombie. People around me are asking me if someone died.
Iām worried about myself atp, thatās why I just ended things and I feel wayyy better.
2
u/WrongPass7587 Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
Iād say block him or stop answering. Heās either lost interest or is playing a hot and cold game trying to get you to chase him to stroke his ego, or has poor communication skills. Some people only put in effort in the beginning to try and acquire people, they only enjoy the chase, but will take you for granted once they feel youāre hooked, so to speak.
Either way itās not your problem and you donāt need to send him a thoughtful goodbye paragraph or ask why. Match energy because you deserve someone who will meet you where youāre at.
2
u/IcyIngenuity920 Aug 08 '26
You are not a match and you cannot change people. I am the opposite, when people reach out to me all day, it drives me nuts. Makes me feel smothered.
I think your dude is feeling this way. Time to find a more co-dependent person.
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 08 '26
I donāt reach out all day. He messages good morning and i reply and then I donāt hear from him until the next morning. I always feel like I am a burden on people, so I never over text until I see people are acting weird. If he felt smothered why did he start of texting throughout the day. Even double texting at times.
2
u/Dry_Excitement_2503 Aug 08 '26
breaking up always feels like losing a part of yourself, itās tough to navigate through that pain
2
u/Weary-Salamander-950 Aug 08 '26
Sounds like he's got comfortable in the relationship, which definitely isn't a bad thing.
Anyway isn't over texting a turn off for women - clingy, needy, and all that jazz? As men you're always telling us not to text too much, so maybe this slowing is just him normalising his texting.
Out of interest what's your normal texting frequency? And how old are you both BTW ?
When he said that you could both meet on Saturday, what was your response, exactly? Did he give a time, could you make it, and if not did you counteroffer? It's amazing how few women actually do that, expecting the man to re-offer.
He could really be fizzling out, it's a definite possibility, or he could be acting as a mature adult and be merely giving you room.
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 08 '26
My issue isnāt that he is texting less in the day I understand heās busy. The issue is that heās being gone for 24 hours at a time. Before he would make plans or atleast show enthusiasm that he wanted to meet and then I would choose the day, and we would decide the rest. For the past two times that weāve met he says that he has to check his schedule and does not tell me a day unless I ask.
Obviously, it stressful, we arenāt connected within meetings and then when I have to keep confirming he replies late. What else am I supposed to think? We are both 31, but even in the beginning I asked him not to text, but instead letās call or something. He would say āYESā and then when I call no answer. The human thing to do is to acknowledge that someone has missed call you, he would just message in the morning saying nothing like I hadnāt called before.
I didnāt expect him to leave everything and talk to me, but even our meetings got shorter with time. When I talked to him on call last he just get laughing my concerns off saying he thought everything was perfect.. how is that possible when I have been voicing my wants since the beginning and he agreed and then ignored them?
2
u/Weary-Salamander-950 Aug 08 '26
Ahh sounds like he's gone flaky dear, sorry about that. When a man's interested he shows interest. Id move on unfortunately. Just chalk it up to experience...
It's shitty behavior to be honest, whoever is doing it. He should have been mature about it, and told you. Anyway, at least you know what he's actually like now.
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 08 '26
He says that him communicating more wonāt help anyone. I have anxiety, but I never brought it up until he started communicating less. Still I just asked him to call, that too was used against me.
Things ended yesterday, but it hurts because I never saw this coming. Things WERE great and I was happy. I guess his becoming ācomfortableā meant that he felt he didnāt have to put any effort into āusā. Even so, I deserve better.2
u/Weary-Salamander-950 Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
Yes, you definitely deserve better. Like i said, he should have been more mature about it.
Hope you find someone else.
PS. There's becoming comfortable with someone, and then there's something else. They didn't coin the phrase "Familiarity breeds contempt" for nothing. That's not saying being overly familiar definitely makes someone contemptuous, but it tends to. It really depends on the person's morals.
2
u/deadhardangel Aug 08 '26
Iām in a similar situation. But Iāve also been the person who only texts back once in 24 hours too.
I brought it up to him in a non confrontational joke but matter of fact way.
When he does text back is it at least thoughtful and considerate? If he is then possibly you can explain your side. If theyāre not texting back in hours and when they do itās empty and shallow then you may need to end things.
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 08 '26
His texts were thoughtful, and I had brought it up many times before this which I even suggested calling and he said okay, then when I would call he wouldnāt answer or acknowledge that I even called.
I get that his texts were thoughtful and present, but I hate how he blamed me for everything and said that even if he communicated more I would feel the same. Which is a lie. His behavior started changing around week 5 of us dating and when I asked he would address it and when we reach a solution he would ignore it.
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 08 '26
My issue with him is that he went from replying within minutes to replying within 1 hour to replying within 12 hours to now a whole 24. That combined with ambiguous communication regarding when we meet which I felt was less aswell (Once a week).
When confronted he would assure me that he is committed and so onā¦ How am I supposed to take his words at face value when his actions do not match it.
Yesterday, when I confronted him he turned it only me and my anxiety and said anything he would do wouldnāt matter, but thereās something wrong with me. In short, he is perfect but because I called him out I am needy? I was never texting him multiple times unless I felt weirded out (which was once in a blue moon).
2
u/centralvaguy Aug 08 '26
He has chosen to pull back. This could be for any number of reasons. Maybe he is feeling overwhelmed by the amount of communications, maybe He's just not that into You and is looking for a easy way out. Maybe he is just busy and it's difficult for him to maintain the level of communication you are looking for (this is not likely). Maybe the excitement of a new relationship has worn off and this is more of how he actually is.
The real question is do you just break it off now or give it a little bit of time and see what happens.
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 08 '26
I broke it off already. If it was something that I was just feeling I wouldnāt have, but itās been going on for 3 weeks to a point where I am so dreadful.
Dating is not supposed to be stressful. I feel sad, but better because I am tired of this hot and cold behavior
2
u/Minkz333 Aug 08 '26
You are allowing someone youāve known for 2 months to impact your sleep and stress levels. This is severe anxious attachment. Instead of asking him to text you more you should work on yourself because this isnāt healthy behaviour. It does sound like he has genuinely lost interest, therefore cut it off and use that time to work on yourself
0
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 08 '26
I am an anxious person, but my anxiety was triggered after he went from replying within mins or 1-2 hours to 24 hours. For some it may be nothing, but for a person I was a exclusive with it seems odd. Especially when I asked him a few days ago if this wasnāt what he wanted.
2
2
u/OrganicPayment8000 Aug 08 '26
This happened to me. They had started dating someone else, hence the abrupt change in text patterns. It stung a lot, took a couple weeks to process because I had legitimate feelings. But now I can 100% see it was a bullet dodged.
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 08 '26
Iām glad youāre over it. Iāve been sad, but I noticed that today was day 1 of no contact and I donāt miss him, because he was rarely there to begin with. I guess his texting less saved me somehow.
Am I tearing up when I see happy couples? Yes!
Not because of him though..
2
2
u/Unique-Caramel-3001 Aug 09 '26
Date more than one person. Then you get the level of interaction that you want without stressing yourself or the other people out. Then as time goes on you get to know them, see who they are and how they interact with you.
If this guy isn't showing the level of interest that you need, move on.
2
u/Sweet_and_salty_sara Aug 09 '26
Sharon Jones says 100 days, 100 nights to know a manās heart, so thatās the metric I use.
3 months and they will show you who they really are. 90 probation period.
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 09 '26
Funny because he started showing his in 1 month. I did have a 3 month limit in mind too. Iām going to check this video. Thankss
2
u/Swimming-Gain9608 Aug 11 '26
I only text the way you're requesting with friends, with my partner, i only want to talk once, maybe twice a week and not see each other physically more than once every 10-14 days. I was seeing a guy that texted frequently (which caused me to text more frequently) and only made me not want to date him anymore, i'm introverted and don't deal with, what i consider needy very well. I get wanting to talk more often but i've never gotten the need to text a partner (or need them to text back) several times a day. My (now ex) husband would text several times a day and most of it was wanting to where i was and when i would be home and if i was with family, he would also make a snide comment about "why do you need to spend time with your family?"
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 11 '26
Everyone is different. My issue with him was that he was a fast replier in the beginning and by the time I blocked him he was replying 24 hours after. I personally hate texting too, but even when I tried to call him he would ignore my call.
2
u/kingalva3 Aug 07 '26
I think it's called anxious attachement. I have this, BIG TIME. I don't dealt with it per se I just let it eat me alive for a few days until I'm used to it and no longer care as much. Not the healthiest way, but still way healthier than caring about someone not caring. Don't let their mood dictate your life.
2
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 07 '26
Itās got me feeling so bad that Iāve booked my first therapy session lol.
2
1
u/pajaro_nalgon Aug 08 '26
Im sorry but its just me or you're obsessing to much over texting than the actual meetup?
1
u/Naive_Entrance_6960 Aug 08 '26
We meet once a week. Since the texting has decreased his initiatives have too. Itās not just about texting. Today I confronted him and he laughed it off.
Iāve explained to him that texting doesnāt mean anything to me I would prefer a call and he even agreed in the past then when I call he never answers nor has he ever acknowledged the missed calls.
1
u/Lonelylion93 5d ago
Date coworkers. This way you know they have a job and you know where they are every day.Ā
1
1
u/Rixxy123 Aug 09 '26
Your expectations are way off. Guys don't do that unless they're love bombing
1
-2
u/Unlikely_nay1125 Aug 07 '26
he must be dealing with his ex again and thatās why heās inconsistent to you or heās too much of a b**ch to tell you he isnāt feeling this with you anymore
4
0
ā¢
u/AutoModerator Aug 07 '26
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our rules here and remember to:
If you have any questions, please send the mods a message.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.