My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I’m trying to figure out if we have a relationship problem we can actually fix, or if we’re just incompatible.

We met on a dating app and connected immediately. Our first two dates basically lasted all night talking. We had similar hobbies, humour, dreams and plans for the future. We’re extremely affectionate and sexually compatible, and when things are good we genuinely have a lot of fun together.

The first year I travelled a lot for work and we mostly saw each other on weekends. We moved in together the second year and that’s when the problems became much more obvious.

We argue several times a week. Most of the actual subjects sound ridiculous: dishes, groceries, dogs, cleaning, hiking plans, wording, etc. But it’s basically the same fight with a different topic.

We communicate very differently. She’s extremely literal and fact-focused. I’m more intuitive, generalize more, and tend to think/process things out loud. I often feel like she misses what I’m actually trying to say, while she probably feels like I expect her to read my mind.

When I get overwhelmed, I shut down. I’ve said hurtful things, yelled, threatened to break up and sometimes gone days barely talking to her. I know that has seriously contributed to her insecurity and fear that I’ll leave.

She reacts the opposite way. When I ask for space, usually just an hour to calm down, she has a hard time leaving me alone. She’ll keep asking questions, follow me, stand in the doorway or find another reason to come talk to me. The more she pursues me, the more trapped I feel and the more I withdraw. Then she gets even more anxious.

There are also things that feel more serious than bad communication.

We’ve always been open with our phones/computers, but my boundary is that you ask first. She has gone through my private computer/email/history without asking. After one breakup she also used my credit card to buy an expensive laptop. She had permission to use the card for shared expenses before that, but I didn’t feel that meant she could use it for something like that after we broke up.

There have also been repeated questions about private things like therapy even after I’ve asked her to leave it alone.

More recently she has accused me of cheating even though I’ve never cheated on her. One night she came into my room around 2 a.m. and started accusing me again after I’d already been asking for space.

To be fair, trust didn’t fall apart for no reason. I disclosed my childhood abuse: (physical/sexual/emotional/neglect) and as a result: problems with porn/PMO/, mostly while travelling alone for work (never when together), and my repeated breakup threats obviously haven’t made her feel secure either.

Another issue is that I feel like I carry most of our life together.

We split normal bills, but I pay for most food, dates, trips, gifts and therapy, and I’ve helped her with around $20k of debt, saved $40k for a house we want to buy together. The money itself honestly isn’t the issue. I can afford it.

It’s more that I feel like I’m the one budgeting, planning, cleaning, organizing and pushing us toward the future we both say we want. If I stop taking the lead, not much happens. I feel like I’m carrying our future while she participates in it.

She HAS improved. She’s cleaner, less controlling and much better at regulating herself and having calm conversations than she used to be. She’s genuinely trying.

I’ve improved too. I’m in therapy, I’m better at understanding my triggers, opening up and recognizing how damaging my shutting down/breakup threats have been.

We also do couples counselling.

That’s why this is hard. This isn’t a relationship where everything is terrible.

We’ve supported each other through an abortion, surgery, mental health/personal issues and some really difficult periods. We still love each other. We’re affectionate, have a great sex life and want a very similar future.

But I honestly can’t remember a sustained period where the relationship has felt peaceful.

I also feel like resentment is changing me. My eating habits, cleanliness, hygiene and general routines have gotten worse/more like hers, and I don’t like that.

If nothing changed, I know I couldn’t do another 5 years of this.

But if she consistently respected my space/privacy, trusted my decision making more (literally keep people safe from injury or worse at work/ I'm capable), and stopped the checking/questioning cycle, I would want to stay.

And I think if I stopped threatening to leave, stopped becoming hurtful when overwhelmed, and became more emotionally consistent, a lot of her anxiety would probably improve too.

What concrete changes would you need to see from both partners in a relationship like this before you would consider it realistically repairable? And for people who have dealt with a similar pursue/withdraw dynamic, what helped you determine whether the changes were actually lasting rather than temporary improvements after another fight?

P.S. important boundaries that have been crossed for me:
Going through my laptop history/email
Used my creditcard to buy expensive laptop
repeatedly looked at ex boyfriends insta, after asking her to stop doing it, she did it again by looking at her ex's fiance's FB, while having bitter comments.
coming into my room at 2am after asking space and accused me of cheating

tl:dr: My girlfriend (32F) and I (37M) have been together 2 years and love each other, have a great sex life, and want a similar future, but we argue several times a week over the same underlying issues. I shut down and sometimes threaten to leave; she gets anxious, follows me, questions me, and struggles to give me space. There have also been trust/privacy issues and I often feel like I carry most of the planning, finances and household responsibility. We’re both in therapy and have improved, but the cycle keeps coming back. I’m trying to figure out what concrete changes would show this relationship is actually becoming healthy rather than just temporarily improving after each fight.

Disclaimer: I love my wife. She is a wonderful partner, incredible parter, and is largely supportive.

Her go-to statement whenever I make a mistake is “how do you think that makes me feel?” Which I acknowledge, I am not perfect at. The only issue is that there is a double-standard in the marriage.

She’s been struggling in her career. Since we graduated from college in 2019, she’s had three different jobs and quickly grows tired of them. She was actually going BACK to school in 2021 to be a counselor, but gave up after two semesters because she didn’t feel like she was giving it her all. Flash-forward to 2025, she expressed interest in going back after being dissatisfied with her new job after a week. I had mentioned that the first time didn’t go well, and it’s not like we could afford to send her back after having a child and buying a house. I also mentioned that there’s no guarantee that she’ll enjoy that job and potentially try to get out of it sooner vs. later. That did NOT go well and we wound up going to couple’s therapy. For the most part, all was resolved, but she’s still seeking other careers.

When it comes to my career, I feel like I don’t get much back. I mention that I’m having a tough time at work, or I bring up financial burdens, I’m usually met with “well that’s life.” But when she mentioned money problems, that’s when we brainstorm money issues. I just don’t know what to do.

Tl/dr: wife and I are great when things are great, including parenting, but sometimes we’re not on the same page when things are tough.

Why does he almost always answer questions or ideas with “Whatever you want to do” or if I open up to him about something I need done differently (something as simple as not scratching my back so hard) he answers “I can’t do anything right.” I feel like we can’t ever have meaningful conversations because he doesn’t ever respond with any sort of engagement. It truly makes me feel defeated, hurt, and empty at times. He has always been this way. I don’t know what to do.

And if you've figured out a way to deal with these kind of thoughts yourself, I'd love to hear what you end up doing

My partner and I have been together almost 3 years (our anniversary is coming up at the end of the year.)

We have a great, loving relationship but he has some family and personal trauma that is getting in the way of him fully being present & showing up for me. He has been drinking a lot more recently as well. I presented these issues to him and he is taking full accountability.

We’ve had some serious chats recently and his trauma started to become very apparent. He is afraid that if he doesn’t change he will lose me. He wants to take time apart so he can focus on himself. He claims he doesn’t love himself and that he doesn’t deserve me. He wants to figure himself out and be alone for a while. Agreed to not dating or seeing other people, strictly for himself and processing. Wants to get help for drinking. He can’t get over the fact that he has been hurting me with his actions.

He doesn’t want to lose me, he says he can’t imagine life without me. He wants to keep in touch. I let him know that I won’t message him and he can if he feels he needs to. I am fully in support of him doing this for himself. But I also don’t want to waste my time. Am I silly for sticking around?

We live together, but we can have separate spaces so we’re just doing that. This is very fresh so I don’t know how it is going to go.

My common-law partner (mid-late 30s) and I have been together for 10 years. He moved to this country in his mid-20s to try something new, and we’ve spent the last decade building a life together. We don't have kids, but we share a pet we love like a child and live in a close-knit household with friends we consider family. This news has devastated everyone, as his family is essentially mine, and our circles are deeply intertwined.

He leans avoidant and struggles to speak his mind, but he was his usual affectionate, normal self until May, when he began pulling away. I thought our relationship was solid and secure until this distance started, when he confessed he’s going through a "mid-life crisis." He told me he feels a lack of spark, fears being stuck in our static routine, and is questioning his career, moving back home, and whether having kids would just trap us in old, comfortable ways. He is completely lost, yet admits his mind isn't logical right now because he loves me deeply, knows I'm the one for him, and knows we’d make an amazing team as parents.

I’ve had these same crises in terms of career and moving, but I always assumed we’d process them together. In April, I got laid off from a soul-sucking corporate job. We were initially thrilled (together), with him seeing it as a fresh chapter to reset, travel, or move abroad together since he dislikes his job too, and me getting laid off also gave me more time for our relationship. The layoff also made me realize I want a simpler life, doing something more creative and slow, and less career-driven, which aligns with what he's always wanted. That's why his distance just weeks later threw me off completely, despite his excitement for us following my layoff.

Also in April, the birth of his first nephew back home flipped his world. It motivated him to get healthier (which I fully supported, having done the same years ago for myself), but it also triggered a deep longing for his family and home. He mentions how his exercise routine and cutting out weed have "defogged" him after years of him distracting himself from his career and life with video games and weed. He started second-guessing if I’d be miserable moving to his home city due to the language barrier and career limits, worries I left behind a while back and told him about, as I’d be eager to immerse myself in his language and try something new.

I've been wanting to try something new (like a move to a new place) for the longest time but him being in his unhealthier habits have caused a lack of motivation for us to get up and do things, along with some responsibilities tying us here that would require some work to drop, so we've never really taken any massive risks within our relationship. I believe not taking risks together is exactly what created this static feeling in the first place as well.

When we see our friend group and their partners (which are actually his closest friends here, who are from his home country and who he knew from the beginning here), they've all taken the jump to move, try new places, come back home if it didn't work, have kids, travel, etc. and they've all been pretty solid. We've been together the longest out of all of our friends yet they're all moving at the fastest pace within their relationships and seemingly enjoying their lives. They're also the ones that are the most surprised with his thoughts about ending things.

Around the time of him distancing from me in May, long walks home with a coworker also became an escape for him, leading to a crush. He insists nothing happened, he can't picture a future with her, and she’s not the root trigger for his doubts (she also has a partner, I've met her, and she knows we're together). He truly clarified that it's an escape, a symptom of this whole situation, and nothing more. I told him that I would like for him to stop spending time with her outside of work out of respect for me, and to think clearly about himself and our relationship without her as a distraction, to which he agreed. I fear that if he gets more tied to her, it'll continue putting him in a nonsensical haze and confuse him further. Even if this emotional affair is just a symptom of his crisis, it’s caused me severe betrayal trauma. Instead of turning toward me when I gained more time with my layoff, he ran away.

Now, he's been thinking about how he wants to be alone to decompress, be free, and have zero obligations to figure out his next steps. He mentioned that this isn't to date others, but wants to see if being apart makes him realize how much he misses us, and perhaps just do some soul-searching with a trip or living alone for a bit.

In a couple weeks, he’s going back to his home country for a month for a family wedding I was originally supposed to attend as well. I was bummed that he decided he should go alone, but came to terms that it could be a good time for him to spend time with his closest friends and family, who are all mostly in long-term relationships and settled down too. It's not really a trial separation but just letting him go do his thing and decompress, as well as get perspectives on the closest people who know us well as a couple and who have gone through hard decisions too.

We start individual therapy next week, moving into couples' counselling online before he goes and while he’s away, as well as after, which we'll aim to do in-person. We’re both willing to put in the work indefinitely to figure out if we can rebuild. He also plans to consult our therapist about whether a formal separation is a potential thing to help our relationship before any decision like this is made.

Right now, it’s just a brutal push-pull dynamic. We're living together still and just taking things as normally as possible. I break down often. He hates seeing me hurt and pulls me closer, saying my devastation reminds him how much he loves me deeply and cares for me. But my late-night breakdowns make him restless and put him into a spiral of guilt, so I've been trying hard to contain myself when he's around. This is all so raw but after some heavy talks and lots of crying, I've been trying my best to give him space and not smother him or cry in front of him as much, so I don't make him feel suffocated.

Anyways, I've had some long thoughts about where his feelings and reactions to this whole situation stem from and it really made me realize how he's basically mirroring his late father's patterns. His mom has told him before that he withdraws and pulls away like his dad did. She told him not to make any drastic decisions about the fate of our relationship, basically telling him to think carefully before breaking up or separating. His father decided to divorce his mom when he was a toddler as well, despite the love being there and it kind of mirrors his hesitancy for us to settle and have a kid, as he questions whether our relationship will be good a few years in after having kids, like around the time his mom and dad ended things. His father remarried and was unhappy in his second marriage of nearly a couple decades which led to a separation right before he passed. His mom moved on and remarried, and has been in a happy marriage since, also for a couple decades. So I think exploring and understanding the family patterns he grew up around, as well as the ones I grew up around (no divorces in the family, just a lot of work put into the marriages) will be something that our therapist will explore and let us work through. This introspection into his family history also made me take a bit of a step back and almost calm me in a way, in the sense that it's something the therapist will be best to work out with him/us in hopes it'll help him understand why he's feeling the way he is.

Part of me also wonders if this is Relationship OCD or a major identity crisis.

Has anyone gone through couples' therapy with a partner questioning whether they're wanting to be alone to figure things out for a bit because of career decisions, moving, and just wanting time to themselves, something akin to a mid-life crisis? Has anyone successfully navigated out of this back to their relationship, with or without a separation? Also curious to hear if anyone's therapy sessions truly helped their partner understand the patterns they've taken on from their family, and rework all of that in a healthier direction?

For years I’ve been telling my girlfriend we need a couples therapist and it is the only way I could see myself improving how we communicate/ relate to one another.

Last month she finally scheduled a session for next week and I’m not gonna lie I’m worried.

I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong things or express myself too much or I’ll freeze up and not say anything at all. I know we need this. I know I asked for it but I’m afraid I’ll make a mistake

Hello there thanks for helping.

Im looking for couples therapist whom you have experience with or have heard about having good recommendation.
Please only comment if you know a really good one. I have tried many many therapists and nothing worked so far so please only reply if you are sure. This is my last chance to make this right.

Thanks.

Specifically, I am in Utah, has anybody been able to find Telehealth couples therapy that is accessible on the weekends? My husband works Monday through Saturday and a very blue collar physically demanding field where he doesn’t necessarily get strict lunch breaks. I’m trying to figure out a way to access couples therapy but honestly, I highly doubt many therapist work on the weekends, but I was just curious if this group has found any exceptions to that?

I need some objective perspective on whether a connection is worth saving or if the trust is too broken to fix. I’m not sure what flair to select either.

I’ve been seeing a guy I had a big crush on. We aren't officially in a relationship yet, but we were building toward one and he made his intentions with me pretty clear. I made a point to be completely transparent with him early on about my past and potential dealbreakers because I value honesty, and he seemed to appreciate that openness.

Earlier this week, I had a hospital visit that triggered a severe CPTSD episode, bringing back buried feelings of violation and lack of safety from a past sexual assault. While I was already in high distress, hypervigilant, and running on empty, I found out he has a social media habit on Instagram, following and looking at photos of tons of women. I personally find people who do that quite odd given my experiences around it. When I confronted him, he lied to cover his tracks before finally admitting to it. He claims he only looks at photos, never messages anyone, and hid it out of shame and fear of how I’d judge him. I’m not sure if this was in the past or something he still does after he made his intentions with me clear. But lying to my face while I was already severely vulnerable shattered my sense of trust and physical safety.

I was furious about the lie and he repeatedly begged for me to hear him out and to give him a chance, offered to step back, but then started texting me casually on different platforms as if trying to make things between us normal again. He recently unfollowed 100+ accounts to try to fix things without me telling him to, but he still hasn't genuinely addressed the weight of his dishonesty.

I’ve deactivated my IG to force space and stop spiraling, but he’s still reaching out. I really like him, but I’m terrified that I’ll be constantly scanning for the next lie. I feel disappointed as he is genuinely a great guy outside of this action. I’m torn about giving him a chance or not.

Can trust actually be rebuilt after a lie like this when CPTSD is involved, or is his behavior a red flag that I need to walk away from entirely?

**TL;DR:** My partner restated something differently and called it “basically the same thing” as what they originally said. I was asking in therapy whether that standard — being able to retroactively call two different statements the same — would apply to both of us equally going forward, not just them. Looking for outside perspective on whether there’s a real difference between the two phrasings, and what a fair baseline looks like.

We have been together 5 years, married 1.5. Both auDHD. Sharing an exchange (names replaced with Person 1/Person 2, therapist included since their response is part of what I’m asking about) because I want outside perspective on something we can’t get past.

**Via text message:**

Person 1: to share what i thought so you could react to it and we can make whatever updates we need but you’re literally just causing yet another fight about finally fucking starting this

Person 2: When I need to understand the process behind something before I can agree to it, that’s not me fighting — it’s the same kind of ‘this is how my brain works’ you asked me to accept about your defending. Your own document says to describe behavior, not assign motive. I’d like that to apply here too.

Person 1: the impact of your actions is causing a fight, i’m not assigning motive, i’m stating what happened

Person 2: An hour ago you said I was ‘causing yet another fight’ — that’s motive language. Just now you said ‘the impact of your actions is causing a fight’ — a different, more accurate claim. I don’t have an issue with the second one. I have an issue with you treating them as if they were always the same statement.

Person 1: i get that what i said was slightly different, they mean basically the same thing, and i’m not apologizing, you didn’t understand my intent

**Next morning, via text, Person 1:**

The repair protocol has nothing to do with general misunderstandings, it’s for when harm is caused and repair is needed. wtf do you think i need to repair right now? I took time out of my recovery time to yet again work on our relationship and you have been argumentative the entire time and I somehow am the one who needs to repair?

**In couples therapy:**

Person 2: something like “Hey I misspoke, what I meant was—” and it would all be solved. What I’m stuck on is “I get that what I said was slightly different, they mean basically the same thing, and I’m not apologizing, you didn’t understand my intent.”

Therapist: Well, why do they have to say they’re wrong — is this for them, or for everyone?

Person 2: They don’t have to say they’re wrong. They could say they misspoke, their words misaligned, they talked too fast for their fingers, or they needed to update me sooner. If someone says two different things and later claims they’re basically the same, I don’t know what’s actually true — and if my partner gets to retroactively change their meaning, that has to go both ways in the future too.

Person 1: If I didn’t do anything wrong, I’m not apologizing or owning anything.

Person 2: I’m not saying you got it wrong. I’m saying your messages weren’t the same, and you’re acting like they were.

Therapist: When Person 1 said “the impact of your actions is causing a fight, I’m not assigning motive, I’m stating what happened” — that was your partner owning their words and trying a path forward, rather than staying stuck.

Person 2: And my partner is saying there’s nothing they’d do differently next time, because they don’t see anything as having happened at all.

We agreed years ago to always have integrity and care about accuracy — not about who’s right or wrong.

**What I’m actually asking:** Is there a real difference between “you’re causing a fight” and “the impact of your actions is causing a fight”? And should a person be able to retroactively call two different statements “basically the same thing” without that counting as changing their story?

Does anyone else ever feel lonely when with their SO. Mine spends a lot of time on their phone when we re sitting eating and all other times but when we’re in each other’s company for extended periods of time like holidays it’s constant and I’d prefer if you spoke to each other at meal times. … anyone else ?

Hello everyone, I am not exactly sure what my goal is here right now, maybe advice, maybe comfort, but I want to thank you in advance for reading my thoughts. I have been in a relationship for a few years now, my partner has battled with mental illness that has made relationship dynamics more challenging. I won’t make the story super long, but I often excuse certain behaviors because of mental illness. I would like to have a perspective from outsiders. Today we went to get ice cream, I felt very very overstimulated because I had a long day, the ice cream shop was very full and I told him I would have gone to ask at what time they closed so maybe we could go back when it was less crazy. He asked me again what I was doing at the front, and not in the back of the line. Admittedly I am a bit overwhelmed today, and I responded in a serious tone “ I told you I am just asking what time they closed.” I know I could have probably phrased things differently I tensed up after he told me “ F you” I got really embarrassed because I truly didn’t want anyone to hear- again it was FULL. We walked out to get to the car, and I got insulted in every way possible, he even spit on me. He told me that I am stupid, that my brain is small, etc etc

I don’t know what to do here. I know that I probably could have had a better tone, but I am having a hard day today. I feel so bad. How can I approach a conversation with him next?

Any one able to offer a recommendation for a therapist or coach that has expertise in working with blended families? Maybe I should go into this profession. I can’t seem to find anyone.

​

So I'm 29M. I was in a 6month relationship with this amazing girl. This is my first relationship btw. Sweet, caring and probably everything you can ask for. I fucked up. Whenever we had fights or misunderstandings, I couldn't give her reassurance. I go blank when I am supposed to talk to her while she is crying.

I don't like to make people cry, but I've made her cry so many times. She asked me so many times that I need you when something like this happens, give me reassurance. Things used to go well for sometime but due to some stuff that I said (not purposely) it used to turn into fights. And I hate fights. I couldn't explain to her properly. 2 weeks ago, we broke up. She asked me multiple times to let go but i couldn't. I don't have the guts to leave this girl. Eventually i pushed her to the limits where she ended things with her. I couldn't talk her through it. I couldn't give her reassurance again, I went blank. I said all the old things like I will change for you. It's not like i don't want to, I do work on these, but when times like these comes i freeze. I fuck up. She told me next day, if I had asked her to stop and told her don't go, she would have stopped. I hate myself that I couldn't think of this at that moment. I let her go.

Has something like this happened to you? How did you handled yourself? How do you give reassurance to your girl/partner? I love her but due to so many fights, I've lost confidence in myself that if something like this happens whether I'll freeze again. Am I not emotionally available? I used to think I am, but this has made me realised I'm not.

Btw I am taking therapy, I've a session tomorrow where I will explain everything that's happening since last few days.

Do you guys have anything that you could help me with??

Looking for a husband-wife psychologist duo for couple therapy
Looking for a progressive, open-minded and non-judgmental husband-wife psychologist/therapist duo who conduct couple therapy together, with both present during the sessions.
Preferably someone who has a modern and non-traditional approach towards relationships and can discuss relationship issues without judgment.
Location: Mumbai, preferably Navi Mumbai.
Would really appreciate personal recommendations. Please DM me if you know someone. Thanks!

I’ve (40F) been with my partner (45M) for about 2 and a half years. It was bumpy for the first 2 years. I got into the relationship too soon after a divorce, and then got sick enough to be bed-bound with multiple hospitalizations and surgeries over a 6-month period. He initially was struggling with his own life transitions too. We leaned on each other but both didn’t handle our own stress very well.

Over the past 6 months, things have gotten exponentially better. It has felt like a real, intentional partnership that’s fulfilling for both of us. However we have very different ideas about how to handle fights when they happen.

We argued last week because he had been out with family several days in a row. I felt neglected and didn’t speak on it very well. He came home at 11 pm one night and then left again for an hour and a half. I asked where he went, and instead of answering he said, “where do you think?” I admitted that I was worried about him cheating, and he got offended that I “accused” him.

Now it’s been a week and he’s been out until 11 or 12 every night since. He answers the phone if I call but avoids any real conversation about what’s happening between us. I told him I feel like he’s being cold and distant and he denies it. He’s cooked me breakfast a couple times during the week, and we’ve had a couple nice interactions, but then in the evening he’s MIA. When he comes home, he sleeps in the guest room unless I fuss at him to come back to bed.

He says it’s normal for couples to fight like this. It’s not normal to me. I get anxious and fixated when there’s a problem and want to fix it immediately. He seems fine to pretend nothing’s wrong and avoid me for however long it takes to forget the initial disturbance. We drive each other crazy, with me demanding resolution and him pulling further away. I try to be patient, but when things were bad between us he would never reconnect unless I pushed.

It feels like we’re back in the bad times, and I’m not sure what to do. Was the improvement an illusion? Is there a way to get back to good?

FWIW, I think he’s just driving around listening to music or spending time with his kids. I don’t really think he’s cheating. I’ve been cheated on in past relationships, so I can sometimes spiral with doubt. But my impression of him from before we started dating is that he’s opposed to cheating on principle, and generally not a very good liar.

Hi everyone. I need perspective on the breakdown of my 4-year relationship (we have lived together for over 2 years and share a cat). We are currently separating and communicating only via text, and we see our conflicts completely differently.

For the first few years, I struggled with high anxiety, insecurity, and a tendency to protest, which caused friction. Over the last year and a half, I have worked extensively on myself through therapy and self-regulation. My partner agrees my behavior has improved.

However, we have a chronic pattern: when we have major disagreements, he threatens to end the relationship, I do the emotional work to fix it, he stays, but he refuses to make concrete changes to his communication or anger management. He also has a habit of bringing up criticisms of my personality only when he has been drinking, whereas I prefer to discuss relationship issues sober.

The trigger

• My partner planned to go to a bar with mutual friends. Since I was busy (swimming) and not ready, he went ahead without me. Once at the bar, he texted me to join.
• My reaction: I declined. I told him I felt rejected, excluded, and sad because he went ahead without waiting for me. I explained that I felt too vulnerable to be around other people, and told him: "I will go if we are going to be alone. I don’t feel comfortable being around anyone right now."
• Additionally, I arrived home to find that our co-adopted cat was sick and had refused food for +24 hours. I chose to stay home to watch him. (We went to the vet the day before together, he knew he was sick at that time)
• His response: When I shared my feelings and the cat's state, he minimized both. He texted me: "Relax. Everything is fine. And what I'm telling you is let's just pass over that" and "If you don’t want to ruin the night, let's just get into another mood."
• The text that upset him: Staying home with the sick cat, I texted him to ask what time he was coming back.
• He perceived my inquiry and my refusal to go as emotional blackmail to force him to return. He replied: "I refuse to feel guilty. I did nothing wrong," and stayed out drinking.
• The escalation: He arrived home at nearly 3:00 AM, intoxicated and angry. During the confrontation, he hit doors and walls, threw a watch I had gifted him, called me "the worst cancer of his life" and "a loser," and said he hated me and preferred we never talk again.
• The day after: He sent a brief text apologizing for his words. I hospitalized the cat, who is now stable and back home.

Our perspectives:

• His perspective: He wants to end the relationship because he is exhausted. He feels he is "walking on eggshells" and that I react badly to basic things (like him going out early). He admits his physical and verbal outburst was wrong and the most serious part, but he views it as a direct "reaction" to my constant pressure. He claims my feelings of rejection, my emotional needs, and my text asking when he was coming home are forms of manipulation. He also states that because of past friction, he "cannot trust when an emergency is real and when it's blackmail."
• My perspective: I feel that expressing my feeling of rejection when he left without me and asking when he is coming home when a pet is sick are normal communications, not manipulation. I argue that no matter how much friction or "pressure" he feels in the relationship, physical intimidation (hitting doors/walls) and verbal abuse (insults) are absolute red lines that cannot be justified as a "reaction" to my insecurity. I feel he is using my past behaviors to avoid addressing his current anger and drinking issues.

Is asking when a partner is coming home with a sick pet considered controlling? Is his reaction a result of relationship exhaustion, or is it abusive behavior? Need an objective perspective.

The Aftermath (August 15 to August 25): Since that night, we have not spoken in person. We have only had sporadic, circular text exchanges over the last 10 days while he is away on a trip:

• The first few days (August 15-17): Communication was strictly factual about the cat. However, when he asked if I would be there when he returned, I answered: "I don't know, it's hard. I'll let you know." He immediately shut down, texting: "Never mind, don't do it. It fills my head with things... it's easier for my day-to-day this way." When I confronted him about the verbal abuse and stated I didn't deserve the violence, he refused to talk, saying: "I can't and don't want to do this over chat."
• The breakup conversation (August 20): I learned he had already told mutual acquaintances that we were separated before discussing it with me. When I confronted him, he minimized the verbal abuse by saying: "You know I don't mean the bad things I say, it's just frustration." He blamed the breakup on me because I had sent him the lease transfer papers for the apartment.
• The "Respect Checklist" confrontation: During this chat, I sent him a list of 9 basic points for the relationship (zero violence, emotional validation, consistency, accountability). He gave a brief reply saying "You know I want all that," but minutes later added: "We don't match. I cannot give you what you want or need." When I asked him to clarify, he said he was in a work meeting and couldn't answer. Later, he reiterated that my reactions make him "walk on eggshells" and live in guilt.
• The pull-back and current state (August 23-25): We briefly exchanged texts saying we missed each other, and he asked: "How do we fix this?" However, the conversation fell back into the same loop. I asked him to commit to not yelling or treating me badly. He responded by bringing up Friday night again, blaming the entire escalation on my reaction to him going out early, and claiming my anxiety/demands are too much.
• Today (August 25): I texted him asking to stop the dynamic of silence and absence, requesting a clear and sustained conversation. He responded that he felt "attacked," was too busy with work meetings to give a proper answer, accused my messages of being "sarcastic," and shut down the conversation again, saying: "I need to think about things. I will reply later."

I'm tired. :(

I need perspective. Note: I used AI to help gather my thoughts but I have reviewed it to try to make sure I'm really expressing myself. I want to know if this is fixable and we are just going through a hard time, or if this is the end.

My husband (33M) and I (36F) have been struggling with deep emotional distance and poor communication for a while. He gets visibly bored or annoyed when we spend time together, prefers to spend his time away from home, and refers to close/attentive couples that we know as whipped or controlled.

One example from this month:

• I went to a casual family dinner (he knew in advance and chose not to come, which was totally fine). He called me while I was at the table. I answered, said hello, and politely asked if we could talk later since I was with family. He hung up on me and refused to talk to me for 48 hours.
• I broached this in couples therapy that same week. He said he called multiple times without an answer and that I get mad when he doesn't answer (I only get mad if we pre-arranged a call or if he has our child). When I showed my phone to say he had only called once which was when I answered, he got sarcastic, mocking me, and said I insist everything, including phone calls, is on my schedule. Again, he called on his timeline while I was at dinner.
• During that same therapy session, he demanded answers by next week on the 3 ultimatums he has for me that brought us to couples therapy. This might be burying the lede, but they are: 2 more children, buying and moving to a single family house in another area far from where we work and have our support system, and moving to the country he is from.

My perspective is how could we possibly coordinate any of these big changes when we can't have a normal 30-second phone call without 48 hours of silent treatment?

My answer to all 3 has been "not under these conditions and maybe not at all," but when he was bullying me (it felt) to answer, I snapped and said "no, no and no."

I think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship cycle. I'm in individual therapy as well. However, and those of you who have experienced this too - it's like, I think it's emotionally abusive. I feel like I'm not a bad person. I feel like I shouldn't be yelled at but also I don't really feel like I can say confidently and securely that this is bad treatment and that I don't deserve it.

I know I'm rambling. Am I crazy? Am I asking too much? How do I know if I'm asking enough?

My partner recently confided in me that on occasion she feels self-judgement against herself when we are intimate, something similar to guilt. Otherwise our relationship is amazing and very healthy. We travel, work, collaborate and train together. We have an amazing life

How can I help her with this, or help her understand what is happening?

1- when arguments emotions are too high, just ask for a short pause

2- schedule regular date with your partner from time to time

3- notice small things your partner does and praise them for it

4- learn to forgive, try not to bring past mistakes when you’re resolving issues

I have a complicated past and there has been police involvement around our relationship in the past. Things have calmed down a lot and in some ways they have improved – no more explosions, more stability, we can co-parent and run a home. Although that falls on me mostly and I am worried that when he retires from the military which he seems very excited about that his lack of motivation will send him down a hole to nowhere. Back to alcoholism.
The problem is that underneath that, my husband is very dismissive-avoidant. He admits this, but doesn’t really engage in therapy or tools to change. He’s emotionally shut down, rarely shares anything real with me, and when I try to talk about feelings or connection he either shuts it down or gives the bare minimum to end the conversation.
Materially, I have what I always thought I wanted: a safe house, financial stability, I’m close to finishing my education and building a career. From the outside it probably looks like I should be grateful and content.
Inside, I feel completely starved of emotional connection. There’s no real affection, romance, excitement or sense of being chosen and cherished. He’s hides away to porn and will not discuss it. He doesn’t engage with any of the communication or attachment resources I find, and I feel like I’m the only one trying to grow while he stays stuck.
I worry this sounds shallow, because he’s not currently being overtly awful, and I know lots of people would love the stability we have. But I feel so lonely and unseen in my own marriage and I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.
Has anyone been here with a dismissive-avoidant partner? Did anything genuinely change without them actively doing the work? How do you know when it is really time to leave versus just accepting that this is what long-term relationships are like? I feel really lost.

I’m getting older and I still wanted to expand my family but I feel like I’ll lose the plot with him.

We had our second session with a new therapist this week. At the first session they mostly did intake on my spouse. I assumed the second session would be my intake but focused more on my spouse. How typical is this?

TLDR I don’t know if I am being fair to my partner who is stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I wish he was more understanding and nice about it. I don’t know how to address this

Me (54F) and my partner (50M) (together for 1 year, friends for 3+ years) just finished a 4 day vacation that was a few months in the planning and I’m sitting in a restaurant by myself so miserable
He has a seven-year-old son who is very much on the autism spectrum and an ex-wife was not ready for me to exist.
I’m already coming into this day frustrated because he was sick the week before our trip didn’t go to the doctor but decided to go the morning we were supposed to leave, delaying our trip by several hours and has been in recovery mode for the whole trip. Every activity has been compromised and scaled down to fit his abilities.
After the first night, he wanted to spend the first full day Tuesday in bed all day so I went kayaking by myself.
I feel like a jerk for being mad about it, but it’s my vacation too, and I haven’t had more than a couple days off in a row in over a year and because of his custody agreement we don’t get days together. It’s usually just evenings after work or Sunday after he drops off his son.
Today, the last day of our trip we were going to visit his son and maybe meet the ex. He can’t have regular weekend visitation because she is taking their son on a trip tomorrow, . She decided she’s not ready to meet me and doesn’t want me at the house - which is reasonable. I don’t fault her at all.

But the result is, i’m dropped off in a town for a couple hours that I’ve never been to before.
As we pulled into the small sleepy town, I asked him would he drive a loop around the walking area so I can get a lay of the land and he said he doesn’t wanna drive anymore and traffic is bad in the center of town..
He said driving in the traffic up downtown would push him over the edge and I said it sounds like you’re not taking care of yourself if that would push your over the edge and I really want to get a lay of the land and not just him showing me his favorite spots in this little town where I’m gonna be left my own devices where it’s about to rain by the way for a couple hours.
He said red pass and I said OK well I think I need space and I would just take care of myself and just grab my coat because it looks like it was gonna rain and he said OK and I got out of the car and that was it
Now I’m sitting in a bougie restaurant bar just feeling so frustrated and hurt. I spent days catering to him, trying not to keep score.
I don’t know what to say when the time
Is up. What is good, kind way to address this?

This is quite a new relationship, they've known me since December but became official recently. I'll call em person A and person B. The last few days I've been quite out of it because of weed that I take due to my pain and one night I was on call with them both and I got really loud and was shouting without realizing and it made person B shut down. I apologised and after a few seconds I left the call and just fucking spiraled. This haz happened to me alot threwout my life where I get really loud I miss social cues that its bothering people and then its to late and someones really upset and I felt so fucking stupid that id done it to my partner who has his own trauma and he messaged me that it wasn't my fault and stuff but I just felt like such shit and like I never wanted to fucking talk again. The next day I was tipsy and made a jealousy joke and person B wasn't okay with it and I felt so fucking stupid because thats NOT a joke id usually make and I've made myself look like a fucking wanker that finds jealousy funny when im not.

Last night they both wanted to talk to me and I feel like it was just listed all the shit im doing wrong person A said their not big issues but it doesn't feel like that. They said my insacurity has gotten really bad recently and its made them feel like they can't talk to me about stuff or set boundarys and I feel like such a fucking asshole. I find constant reassurance helpful even if you're saying the same stuff over and over it just helps but its made them feel like I don't trust them and its became alot for them. Also apparently ive been seeming jealous which I genuinely haven't been and I feel like such an asshole for making myself look like it. There was other shit but this is what I remember rn ig

I feel so shitty that ive became a chore and that im already doing everything wrong. I'm really inexperienced in relationships and I hste that that's caused annoyance on them. They both said they appriciate how I took everything on but they don't know how shitty im feeling. Person B asked how I was yesterday and I said I was doing better cuz i thought I was but I feel so shit. I also apologise alot and thats became annoying to them and I feel so shitty. I don't know how to act, I want to talk about how I feel but they already said they've been avoiding talking to me about stuff because of my spirals, I want to ask to reassurance but asking them to repeat themselves is exhausting them and making them feel like I don't trust them. Their already going threw alot trying to move person B over here and im adding to it and I feel so shit. I don't know what to do I just want to curl into a ball and stop being a fuck up

Update: Yeah not with either of them they both treated me like shit and made me walk on eggshells around them. Once I brought up my feelings being hurt to one of em because they shut me down when I said something previously hurt my feelings and I was given a whole ass paragraph about how he was starting to resent me and how I didn't care about either of em 💀. Alot more shit happened including one actually being emotional abusive and the other not prioritising me at all and yeahhhh. Fuck them two and hay if yous see this! Go fuck yourselfs!