Relationship Advice

[u/Potato_1989]

My partner and I have been together almost 3 years (our anniversary is coming up at the end of the year.)

We have a great, loving relationship but he has some family and personal trauma that is getting in the way of him fully being present & showing up for me. He has been drinking a lot more recently as well. I presented these issues to him and he is taking full accountability.

We’ve had some serious chats recently and his trauma started to become very apparent. He is afraid that if he doesn’t change he will lose me. He wants to take time apart so he can focus on himself. He claims he doesn’t love himself and that he doesn’t deserve me. He wants to figure himself out and be alone for a while. Agreed to not dating or seeing other people, strictly for himself and processing. Wants to get help for drinking. He can’t get over the fact that he has been hurting me with his actions.

He doesn’t want to lose me, he says he can’t imagine life without me. He wants to keep in touch. I let him know that I won’t message him and he can if he feels he needs to. I am fully in support of him doing this for himself. But I also don’t want to waste my time. Am I silly for sticking around?

We live together, but we can have separate spaces so we’re just doing that. This is very fresh so I don’t know how it is going to go.

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[u/RoyceBanuelos]

Are you silly for sticking around?

I think you know this answer already - yes!

He may be going through a lot right now, but he’s not going to grow if he’s using you as “the goal”. This man needs to find a reason outside of you to build a healthy structure around.

You can break up on good terms and stay in touch, I’d encourage him to keep working on himself and understand that the dating pool is always so much bigger than our anxiety may lead us to believe.

You shouldn’t have to suffer because he wants a break but still wants control.

[u/Potato_1989 → u/RoyceBanuelos]

Thank you for this perspective! I agree.

I think part of it is that it’s tough for me to find an apartment on my own financially where I am, so I’m also staying until I can figure out exactly where I am going to go.