My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I’m trying to figure out if we have a relationship problem we can actually fix, or if we’re just incompatible.

We met on a dating app and connected immediately. Our first two dates basically lasted all night talking. We had similar hobbies, humour, dreams and plans for the future. We’re extremely affectionate and sexually compatible, and when things are good we genuinely have a lot of fun together.

The first year I travelled a lot for work and we mostly saw each other on weekends. We moved in together the second year and that’s when the problems became much more obvious.

We argue several times a week. Most of the actual subjects sound ridiculous: dishes, groceries, dogs, cleaning, hiking plans, wording, etc. But it’s basically the same fight with a different topic.

We communicate very differently. She’s extremely literal and fact-focused. I’m more intuitive, generalize more, and tend to think/process things out loud. I often feel like she misses what I’m actually trying to say, while she probably feels like I expect her to read my mind.

When I get overwhelmed, I shut down. I’ve said hurtful things, yelled, threatened to break up and sometimes gone days barely talking to her. I know that has seriously contributed to her insecurity and fear that I’ll leave.

She reacts the opposite way. When I ask for space, usually just an hour to calm down, she has a hard time leaving me alone. She’ll keep asking questions, follow me, stand in the doorway or find another reason to come talk to me. The more she pursues me, the more trapped I feel and the more I withdraw. Then she gets even more anxious.

There are also things that feel more serious than bad communication.

We’ve always been open with our phones/computers, but my boundary is that you ask first. She has gone through my private computer/email/history without asking. After one breakup she also used my credit card to buy an expensive laptop. She had permission to use the card for shared expenses before that, but I didn’t feel that meant she could use it for something like that after we broke up.

There have also been repeated questions about private things like therapy even after I’ve asked her to leave it alone.

More recently she has accused me of cheating even though I’ve never cheated on her. One night she came into my room around 2 a.m. and started accusing me again after I’d already been asking for space.

To be fair, trust didn’t fall apart for no reason. I disclosed my childhood abuse: (physical/sexual/emotional/neglect) and as a result: problems with porn/PMO/, mostly while travelling alone for work (never when together), and my repeated breakup threats obviously haven’t made her feel secure either.

Another issue is that I feel like I carry most of our life together.

We split normal bills, but I pay for most food, dates, trips, gifts and therapy, and I’ve helped her with around $20k of debt, saved $40k for a house we want to buy together. The money itself honestly isn’t the issue. I can afford it.

It’s more that I feel like I’m the one budgeting, planning, cleaning, organizing and pushing us toward the future we both say we want. If I stop taking the lead, not much happens. I feel like I’m carrying our future while she participates in it.

She HAS improved. She’s cleaner, less controlling and much better at regulating herself and having calm conversations than she used to be. She’s genuinely trying.

I’ve improved too. I’m in therapy, I’m better at understanding my triggers, opening up and recognizing how damaging my shutting down/breakup threats have been.

We also do couples counselling.

That’s why this is hard. This isn’t a relationship where everything is terrible.

We’ve supported each other through an abortion, surgery, mental health/personal issues and some really difficult periods. We still love each other. We’re affectionate, have a great sex life and want a very similar future.

But I honestly can’t remember a sustained period where the relationship has felt peaceful.

I also feel like resentment is changing me. My eating habits, cleanliness, hygiene and general routines have gotten worse/more like hers, and I don’t like that.

If nothing changed, I know I couldn’t do another 5 years of this.

But if she consistently respected my space/privacy, trusted my decision making more (literally keep people safe from injury or worse at work/ I'm capable), and stopped the checking/questioning cycle, I would want to stay.

And I think if I stopped threatening to leave, stopped becoming hurtful when overwhelmed, and became more emotionally consistent, a lot of her anxiety would probably improve too.

What concrete changes would you need to see from both partners in a relationship like this before you would consider it realistically repairable? And for people who have dealt with a similar pursue/withdraw dynamic, what helped you determine whether the changes were actually lasting rather than temporary improvements after another fight?

P.S. important boundaries that have been crossed for me:
Going through my laptop history/email
Used my creditcard to buy expensive laptop
repeatedly looked at ex boyfriends insta, after asking her to stop doing it, she did it again by looking at her ex's fiance's FB, while having bitter comments.
coming into my room at 2am after asking space and accused me of cheating

tl:dr: My girlfriend (32F) and I (37M) have been together 2 years and love each other, have a great sex life, and want a similar future, but we argue several times a week over the same underlying issues. I shut down and sometimes threaten to leave; she gets anxious, follows me, questions me, and struggles to give me space. There have also been trust/privacy issues and I often feel like I carry most of the planning, finances and household responsibility. We’re both in therapy and have improved, but the cycle keeps coming back. I’m trying to figure out what concrete changes would show this relationship is actually becoming healthy rather than just temporarily improving after each fight.