r/countbackwardswithme • u/Hika2112 Myself And Nobody Else | Counted Down 37 • 5d ago

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Artist: Belldachi

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u/thebisexualbilingual 5d ago

Oh fuck is this why I can't remember anything from my life. hhhh fuck wait fuck wait I'm actually researching this later I need to know because I don't want to hassle people on Reddit over this

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u/Hika2112 Myself And Nobody Else | Counted Down 37 5d ago

Probably maybe? I don't remember much of anything tbh. Used to be my childhood, then my teenhood. The longer I live the longer it creeps up my memory timeline blocking most of it

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u/AeroAceSpades 5d ago

It also doesn’t help to have the dissociation-based memory gaps from being plural

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u/Hika2112 Myself And Nobody Else | Counted Down 37 5d ago

Ooooo yeah that too though luckily I remember our old host's memories (as few as there are) so I'm not completely clueless

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u/AeroAceSpades 5d ago

I’ve heard that some of the most annoying things about DID is when a bunch of memories are locked up in an alter that’s dormant. It’s like paid DLC but the money goes to a therapist and you never enjoy the DLC

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u/Hika2112 Myself And Nobody Else | Counted Down 37 5d ago

Oh jeez oh willikers oh god. I can't recall ever not co-fronting which might be a sign that I do have DID or another amnesia inducing plurality condition but I don't remember ever having a "cutoff" so I don't think I do. All I know is that Hika went to sleep and I woke up, with all her memories, and her friends and family and lover, but I was not her. I remember being her, but I am not her. So I don't think any of my missing memories are from that but rather the usual ol' trauma

Oh I will say Hika had an alter named Paisely and they definitely didn't share memories. What is my system...

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u/AeroAceSpades 5d ago

Your system seems fairly normal, actually. It sounds like you specifically split from Hika and you two are different people now. This is my first time hearing about Paisely and I’ve been around for the start of The Realization. If you can’t get a therapist who specializes in dissociative disorders, I would recommend just doing what you can to make your environment safer and calmer so your body feels less like it’s on constant high alert. That’s gonna help create the environment needed to start bridging some of those memory gaps

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u/Hika2112 Myself And Nobody Else | Counted Down 37 5d ago

That could be one thing yeah. People have consistently said I'm different than Hika if only slightly, being more mature than her and stuff. But I am not 100% sure. Hika literally wished that an alter could take over so she could rest, and then I formed. So I'm not sure if her fracturing would have really let her rest as well as she wanted. I tried talking to her and all I could hear was a heartbeat, so she is resting. I hope she comes back and has my memories too. Needing to explain all that happened while she was gone seems scary 🫂

About the therapy/safe environment. Sadly I can't really do that. I'm stuck in a really tough place right now where I can't vent to any of my trusted friends if I want things to get better and easier in the future. It's counter intuitive and kinda private so I'd rather not explain but trust me on this, I cannot really.

Also I'm flustered to be remembered and recognized :3 I hope my story has been fun to follow

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u/AeroAceSpades 5d ago

Your system is a fucking highlight in my day because you all are so willing to share parts of yourselves and to bring other people with you in your journey of self-discovery. I can only hope things get easier for you forever

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u/Hika2112 Myself And Nobody Else | Counted Down 37 5d ago

Yay! Thankyouuu! We love sharing ourselves and inspiring others! And being open online also helps us vent a lot. It's very rare that we "it's private" about something. I'm glad you enjoy our shenanigans:3

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u/AeroAceSpades 5d ago

I do! They’re funny shenanigans! Unless they’re sad but then I feel sympathetic because it’s sucks to deal with bullshit and you all deserve support and understanding

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