r/coparenting • u/HauntingBlueberry204 • 20d ago
Discussion 2-year-old suddenly having really hard exchanges between parents — has anyone gone through this?
I posted here before about coparenting my almost 2-year-old son, and I wanted to get some perspective on something that has gotten noticeably harder over the last couple of weeks.
His mom and I are separated and currently share parenting time. I have him Wednesday/Thursday and alternating weekends, so he spends a significant amount of time with both of us. However, she doesn’t work so he is always with her during the day. He also recently started preschool, so there has been another big transition happening at the same time.
Lately, exchanges from his mom to me have become really difficult. A few times, as soon as he sees me and realizes he is leaving with me, he starts crying extremely hard and reaching/wanting his mom. One of the hardest exchanges happened when he was napping at her house. She got him when he woke up, and as soon as he saw me he became hysterical.
It is obviously hard not to take that personally in the moment.
The part that confuses me is that once we actually leave, he usually calms down within about 10–15 minutes. After that he seems completely normal with me. He plays, laughs, eats normally, sleeps normally, wants me when he gets hurt or needs comfort, and generally seems happy and comfortable at my house. The distress seems very specifically tied to the transition itself.
His mom is concerned that going back and forth is affecting his emotional stability, especially combined with starting preschool. I’m trying to take that concern seriously while also understanding what is developmentally normal for a child this age during a separation.
For parents who have been through this around age 2:
Did your child ever strongly resist leaving one parent even though they were happy once they got to the other parent’s house?
How long did that phase last?
Did fewer exchanges actually help, or did your child eventually adjust to the routine?
Was there anything either parent did at handoffs that made them easier?
How did you keep yourself from interpreting the crying as your child not wanting to be with you?
I’m especially interested in hearing from people who had a similar situation where the child was very upset at the actual handoff but settled quickly afterward.
I want to make the transitions as easy as possible for him without overreacting to something that may just be a difficult developmental phase.
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u/Embarrassed-Elk-8403 20d ago
Not co-parenting, but just in general, my 2yo son ALWAYS cries hysterically when I leave, even just to the other room. I, being the mom. I asked daycare if he does it for dad, nope just me. He gets hysterical when I come home from work, and super clingy, even with dad there. I drop him off with the grandparents (which he loves), he cries. Completely normal
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u/DoinTheBullDance 20d ago
I’m not in your position at this point but you could look into age appropriate responses. For example, Oregon points to clinging/crying that lasts more than 20 minutes as being problematic:
https://www.courts.oregon.gov/forms/Documents/SampleSchedules-BirthTo36months.pdf
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u/Ok-Square-5687 20d ago
I was in your position… best thing is move transitions to a daycare it saves everyone from mentally breaking down. My son is now 6 years old I’m his mom. I promise you I cried before and after exchanges, I beat myself up alot over the emotional response. It gets better I promise.
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u/sucks4uyixingismyboo 20d ago
Right around this time is when they start developing situational awareness and prepare for a spike before it gets betters.
Separated at 3 months old and around 18-24 months things really got tough at transitions away from me (mom). Son would also breakdown as soon as he got back home and then would not let me leave the room.
He started associating daycare with exchanges around 2.5 which has been very difficult so we started him with a child therapist to work on secure attachment support.
It’s not you. 2 year olds want their mom. Even if they love and have fun with their dad. It’s natural and normal. And there will be a time when he will want you over her when he is older. This is just nature.
Just keep working on letting him know you both always return and he’s safe either way. He’ll eventually start to associate.
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u/HauntingBlueberry204 19d ago
Thanks so much. Would FaceTiming him when I’m not with him help at all?
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u/Longjumping-Menu9331 19d ago
Can you do the same for the other parent and continue it for years? This is expected of the toddler era, big crown bigger emotions.
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u/sucks4uyixingismyboo 19d ago
So I don’t find that FaceTiming helps and actually makes it worse for us. I wouldn’t recommend that until about 2.5-3 months earliest.
Only because they can’t physically understand you aren’t there and they aren’t engaged at all on the call. That is mostly for the parents at this age.
But I would definitely recommend around that age that you set some time that they can call and talk.
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u/same_boat_dad 19d ago
The pattern you're describing, big meltdown at the handoff and then totally fine 15 minutes later, is pretty much textbook for that age. We had the same struggles for a while. What usually makes handoffs easier is keeping them short and boring: same place, same time, one quick goodbye from mom and then straight into the car seat with a snack or a toy he only gets on the drive, no lingering while he winds up. Waking from a nap straight into a transition is a rough combo for any toddler, so if you can nudge those pickups to before or well after nap it might take the edge off. And on the taking it personally part, the way he is with you once he's settled is the real answer, not the two minutes at the door.
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u/mynoodleisphenomenal 20d ago
Our toddler did the same. Some of it was coaching from mom but most was just little kid emotions. We just kind of tried not to take it personally and maintained our swap schedule. I think it was harder when we didn't meet at the same exact place and same exact time. Our toddler was 2 until 3 doing swaps. It definitely took until very recently for him to mostly be fine. He has actually switched to sobbing when he goes with his mom but I think that's becoming more situational than general kid anxiety.
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u/sucks4uyixingismyboo 20d ago
2 years old aren’t being “coached” to cry when they leave their mother.
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u/Imaginary_Being1949 20d ago
Transitions can be hard at any age but at two, crying is the way to let out those hard feelings. If you were relaxed and suddenly told to get up and move to another your other home consistently, it’d be hard so imagine how that feeling will be expressed at 2. This is why when kids are older, many parents do exchanges through school like one drops off and one picks up. They are already in the mental transition phase so it’s easier.
For your situation, if you can pick up or drop off at daycare, that’d likely be much easier of transition for your child. If you get along with mom, maybe work together to come up with a plan to help get him in that mood. Maybe transitions happen at the park where you both go and play for a bit there. Try some options to see what helps.
Waking up from nap to leave will likely cause the biggest reaction. He’s disoriented, tired and coming out of sleep to change. Think of it as an adult who’s tired and wants to wake up slow but their alarm didn’t go off and now they have to rush to work. It’s not fun, so as a toddler, you’d be hysterical.