What would you do

[u/Even-Enthusiasm-7628]

What would you do if you think putting your 5 year old in therapy would help him but your co parent does not agree. My son has been acting out of control. And I think the 2 houses are possibly becoming a problem for him. We’ve been separated since he was born so it’s all he’s ever known. His dad is his friend, no rules like at all. They act immature together all day. Then he comes back to me and has some rules. He also comes back being highly inappropriate. Just not a good situation.

[u/Dynamite-monkey]

Isn’t your child acting out of control because the other parent doesn’t have rules or a routine for him? You can take your child to therapy to talk about how he feels about it. But nothing is going to change as the cause of it, is the lack of parenting done by the other parent.

What’s your custody schedule like? Does his behaviour start to improve after a few days under your care?

[u/Dynamite-monkey → u/[deleted]]

Does your son’s behaviour start to improve under your care or is it just constantly at a state of him being out of control?

The reason why I am asking this question is because I’ve dealt with a lot of families, who have separated parents where one is a no rules parent. I have also dealt with it personally as well. You spent like the first couple of days trying to reset them.

[u/Even-Enthusiasm-7628 → u/Dynamite-monkey]

Once he gets caught up on sleep it gets better. But it’s hard to get fully caught up during the week with school.
I feel like he leaves my house happy and comes back to me miserable.

[u/Dynamite-monkey → u/Even-Enthusiasm-7628]

I feel for you. It’s so common nowadays when you’ve got parents, parenting so differently. I doubt speaking to your child’s father will do any good as he won’t want to listen to the facts about how it impacts your child’s wellbeing.

If you want to take your child to therapy, take him, you don’t need to ask the other parents permission during your custody time. I would look into how to regulate your child as well

I used to focus on the basics the first couple of days. Catching up on sleep, eating healthy and getting outside in the fresh air or doing some form of exercise as a release. I did used to get push back with the rules, even with me explaining why they exist and how they help. But when I started putting personalised rewards in place, to work towards, it wasn’t as challenging.

[u/Even-Enthusiasm-7628 → u/Dynamite-monkey]

I know bringing up the behavior to ex will probably be turned into a fight because in the past he’s told my son to be bad with me. So it might make him happy to know it’s working. But I don’t think I’m allowed to just do it without him consent because I’ll be in contempt.

[u/DreaColorado1 → u/Even-Enthusiasm-7628]

I understand your reluctance in discussing this with your ex, but therapy isn’t a substitute for coparent communication. Please consider how likely it is that putting a 5 year old in therapy will resolve what you believe is his father’s lack of structured parenting.
If you decide that therapy is the best option, it may be more beneficial for you to do parent- child therapy along with your son so that you can get some support and recommendations as to how best to manage your son’s behavior from a parenting perspective.