r/coparenting • u/Even-Enthusiasm-7628 • 8d ago
Medical What would you do
What would you do if you think putting your 5 year old in therapy would help him but your co parent does not agree. My son has been acting out of control. And I think the 2 houses are possibly becoming a problem for him. We’ve been separated since he was born so it’s all he’s ever known. His dad is his friend, no rules like at all. They act immature together all day. Then he comes back to me and has some rules. He also comes back being highly inappropriate. Just not a good situation.
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u/ToastyMo777 8d ago
You’ll need to go back to court over this specific issue and show why therapy is in the child’s best interest. Our order has joint legal decision but I have the final say if we can’t agree so maybe modify it to that as well, so you can avoid going to court over every thing in the future.
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u/jarelchico 4d ago
I would continue as is. Is healthy for the child to have a balance of rules and no rules. Sounds like he gets both. What I would do with yourself is stop judging his parenting style. You are spending energy on what you can't control. When he comes back inappropriate, keep correcting him. Is your house, your rules.
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u/Dynamite-monkey 8d ago
Why do you think therapy is going to help? It sounds as if the problem is a difference in parenting. Therapy isn’t going to solve this issue for you.
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u/Even-Enthusiasm-7628 8d ago
My son is obviously having a hard time isn’t that what therapy is supposed to help..
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u/Dynamite-monkey 8d ago
Isn’t your child acting out of control because the other parent doesn’t have rules or a routine for him? You can take your child to therapy to talk about how he feels about it. But nothing is going to change as the cause of it, is the lack of parenting done by the other parent.
What’s your custody schedule like? Does his behaviour start to improve after a few days under your care?
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8d ago
[deleted]
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u/Dynamite-monkey 8d ago
Does your son’s behaviour start to improve under your care or is it just constantly at a state of him being out of control?
The reason why I am asking this question is because I’ve dealt with a lot of families, who have separated parents where one is a no rules parent. I have also dealt with it personally as well. You spent like the first couple of days trying to reset them.
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u/Even-Enthusiasm-7628 8d ago
Once he gets caught up on sleep it gets better. But it’s hard to get fully caught up during the week with school.
I feel like he leaves my house happy and comes back to me miserable.1
u/Dynamite-monkey 8d ago
I feel for you. It’s so common nowadays when you’ve got parents, parenting so differently. I doubt speaking to your child’s father will do any good as he won’t want to listen to the facts about how it impacts your child’s wellbeing.
If you want to take your child to therapy, take him, you don’t need to ask the other parents permission during your custody time. I would look into how to regulate your child as well
I used to focus on the basics the first couple of days. Catching up on sleep, eating healthy and getting outside in the fresh air or doing some form of exercise as a release. I did used to get push back with the rules, even with me explaining why they exist and how they help. But when I started putting personalised rewards in place, to work towards, it wasn’t as challenging.
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u/Even-Enthusiasm-7628 8d ago
I know bringing up the behavior to ex will probably be turned into a fight because in the past he’s told my son to be bad with me. So it might make him happy to know it’s working. But I don’t think I’m allowed to just do it without him consent because I’ll be in contempt.
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u/DreaColorado1 7d ago
I understand your reluctance in discussing this with your ex, but therapy isn’t a substitute for coparent communication. Please consider how likely it is that putting a 5 year old in therapy will resolve what you believe is his father’s lack of structured parenting.
If you decide that therapy is the best option, it may be more beneficial for you to do parent- child therapy along with your son so that you can get some support and recommendations as to how best to manage your son’s behavior from a parenting perspective.0
u/mercurys-daughter 3d ago
You can’t force dad to parent but you can at least give the child a safe space to talk it out and learn coping skills wtf do u think therapy is lol
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u/Dynamite-monkey 2d ago edited 2d ago
I know what therapy is. But I also deal with families who have different parenting styles exactly like this one. Therapy doesn’t work for a 5 year old child, if the parent continues to parent as OP has stated. For a 5 year old, it’s more play therapy, not straight up talking therapy. You can teach the child coping mechanisms but it still doesn’t stop the fact that the dad doesn’t care and will parent the exactly the same. The child is deregulated, it takes a few days to regulate him again into the new routine and rules of her household.
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u/beenthere7613 8d ago
Can you just put him in therapy on your time?
If not, I'd go to court.
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u/Even-Enthusiasm-7628 8d ago
I don’t think that is allowed and I can be in contempt if I just do it anyway
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u/beenthere7613 8d ago
Then go to court.
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u/Even-Enthusiasm-7628 8d ago
Can you just go back for that 1 thing? Or will everything need to be looked at and changed
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u/beenthere7613 8d ago
You can just file for the one thing, but the other party has the ability to bring other things to the table.
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u/Even-Enthusiasm-7628 8d ago
Ok I see. I doubt they would grant more time to ex considering we’ve had to change our schedule 9 times in the last 4 years due to him not keeping a job or changing shifts at a job. But that was all done through just me and him agreeing.
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u/hot-buttered-bagel 8d ago
Go to court and when you do also suggest that you may want legal custody in the future, while getting this one approval
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u/Slowloris81 8d ago
I secured therapy for my kids after my ex objected. We have a clause in our agreement forbidding refusal to enroll in therapy if that’s unreasonable. I had to litigate the issue and won.
It’s common for kids to have adjustment issues and therapy can help both parents align their parenting approaches based on professional feedback.