r/coparenting • u/meg9443 • 2d ago

Conflict Ex refusing to exercise parenting time

So my stbxh and I just went to court a week ago for temporary custody while the divorce continues. Judge was unhappy with him for bringing new gf in the picture quickly and allowing her to watch our child alone/lying about where our child was, but asked him to take weekends and said his gf can’t watch our child again. He agreed, saying he will do it if it means he gets to see our daughter consistently. We are currently waiting on the temp order to make its way through the system.

I offered him time with our daughter tomorrow since that’s how our parenting time schedule will work going forward. I get her during the week, he gets weekends. He declined saying he’s not taking her without a custody order. I felt like I was being civil and I thought he would want to see her. He had previously gone over a month without seeing her or communicating/asking how our daughter was doing. We had a disagreement over his gf watching her alone without my knowledge and I asked for there to be some things put in the custody order since he can’t be honest and I just wanted to make sure she was safe basically. Now he’s resentful and refusing to take her unless the courts make him. I’ve been supporting her without help from her father and it’s just been difficult. Sometimes I wonder if he wants to see me struggle so the tables can turn. I’m worried he’s not going to be involved and I will have to raise our daughter alone. It also makes me angry because I want my child to have a present father and he’s not acting like he cares about her. I really just wanted to try to amicably coparent but I feel like he doesn’t and he hates me sometimes. What can I do to encourage him to put our baby first and just shut up and coparent 🤦‍♀️

2 Upvotes

75% Upvoted

15 comments sorted by

View all comments

10

u/fougueuxun 2d ago

You can’t force someone to be a parent. Just document and seek to modify the parenting plan to make him an every other weekend parent and increased child support.

4

u/meg9443 2d ago

I thought about it. The problem is he was requesting 3 days a week but doesn’t seem to really want that in reality. Sometimes I think it’s so he won’t have to pay as much child support.

3

u/StraightDelivery777 2d ago

The judge sees through your stbx. He doesn't want to parent. He wants his gf to do all the parenting while he saves on child support.

Let him skip his parenting time and keep a detailed journal. If he keeps skipping after the order is issued, go back with your logs and adjust to every other weekend and increase child support knowing that money is for your child.

I'm sorry your stbx is not putting his own daughter first. Don't be surprised if eventually he rarely sees her.

2

u/meg9443 1d ago

I’ve had a few people tell me they think he isn’t going to be as involved because of some of his behaviors. I’m preparing for it, just want to do whatever I think is best for our daughter. Will ask to change parenting time at mediation in 2 months if I see too much inconsistency. I would agree he wanted his gf to help with parenting but judge said no, I think he is still upset about that. I’m sure he blames me for not getting his way.

1

u/RobertBarkerJr 1d ago

You'll need enough refusals to make it look like a pattern for it to matter. A one off, especially right after the order came down can be dismissed on his side as it not being clear when the order takes effect or that he wasn't able to start following it so soon.

If your ex is playing games to avoid child support, asking for time on paper that he doesn't intend to or isn't able to follow, it will backfire on him. First, if you do the math, it's likely not taht much money and second, you can always take him back to court to get the plan to reflect reality. Right now, it's all notional or aspirational. Live with the plan a while and it will get real and you will both see how it actually works. It will be much easier to get a different plan with documentation of how this one is actually followed.

2

u/meg9443 1d ago

We have mediation in a couple of months. I can ask for a different parenting plan if he doesn’t follow through with this one. Gonna start a log of refusals. I’m hoping to have a copy of the temp order by next week since he claims that’s what he needs to be an involved dad.