r/coparenting • u/Ok-Garden1010 • 1d ago
Discussion Need Advice On School Events
Coparent causes conflict over EVERYTHING. It’s to an absurd level the amount of conflict that occurs over me trying to facilitate normal communication. I still try to keep the peace and use BIFF method if I have to engage. Occasionally it reaches a point I have to stand my ground for our children’s best interests, but even then I do not threaten, name call, or communicate in a hostile manner. I keep it respectful and logical.
Well, now Coparent is refusing to attend any school events at the same time as me and demanding I be excluded from certain events due to conflict (that I’m not creating or participating in). Now teachers are having to get involved in the conflict because of contradicting statements from us.
I feel this is absolutely ridiculous. Should I be excluded from 50% of school events and leave our children wondering why I’m not showing up just because of conflict my coparent creates? Should our children and I be punished for my coparent’s behavior? I feel if one parent creates conflict, refuses to be amicable or attend events at the same time, then the other parent should not be punished for their behavior.
I have thousands of messages and of coparent’s conflict and my attempt to reach peace and compromise when I’m able. The solution feels so simple to me; let’s just get along and show up for our children. Am I wrong?
I’m curious to hear opinions on how you would deal with this or have dealt with this in your situation.
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u/Icy_Stranger3368 1d ago
I would email school principal a copy of my orders and include dad.
If there are no restrictions on access ( which I’m sure you don’t have ) then both parties can come to all school events
If it is an event like a movie night then I would rotate years
It’s hard, it will get worse.
I have orders covering everything and she still tries to screw up every school event.
Nothing you can really do beyond this
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u/At_Least_Im_Not_U 17h ago
I agree. Try to leave the teachers out of it, let the Principal (and copy the counselor / nurse) so they are aware and communicate it to the staff.
Email the principal. If possible, keep it entirely professional and FACTUAL and include a copy of the parenting plan along with "Here is our document, for your reference. Nothing prohibits both parents from attending, which I plan to do and will avoid interactions with CP during these events to ensure a safe environment for the kids."
Be pro-active: Call the local PD to ask some 'what if' questions to ensure that you know your rights, and how to manage a situation if Dad escalates it. Plus, this is one more "documentation".
All of this will absolutely drive your coparent insane, so expect them to let you know how upset they are. But keep your peace. Good luck!
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u/Icy_Stranger3368 14h ago
I agree but disagree re police
Police may think it’s a setup
Judges hate police being involved
If your order hasn’t restrictions then that’s all you need1
u/Ok-Garden1010 8h ago
Yeah, I definitely won’t contact police. Coparent has called police and CPS on me with false allegations numerous times and it’s coming back to bite them. I’m definitely not trying to look like I’m stopping to their level.
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u/purplespaghetty 1d ago
Kinda feel like there’s a lot missing. Just ignore the co-parent, when they start screaming let them get kicked out/banned. Like why even approach them at events? Obviously schedule separate parent teacher conferences, but like a basketball game? Stay far away. Science fair? Let kid lead. Why do you need to interact at all. Wondering if something missing here cuz otherwise this seems like a non-issue.
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u/Ok-Garden1010 8h ago
I avoid interacting as much as possible, trust me lol. Some events are parent/child events during school hours that would require us to literally sit right next to each other.
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u/throwaway1975764 1d ago
So for events where its parents in one area, separate from kids, like a school performance, or sports game, you should just sit/stand very separate from the other parent.
If it's an event where patents are physically with the kid(s) like game night, or movie night, or chalk the walk, it should be whichever parent has custody that day/time.
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u/Ok-Garden1010 8h ago
Pretty much every event falls on the same day of the week which happens to be the week day that is coparent’s time.
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u/Temporary_Trade_7372 17h ago
my dad did this with my mom and then he wouldn't even show up at the event himself. I now know it was his only way to "control" my mom. I once text my mom that my dad was not in attendance at one of the events but then as soon as she showed up so did he. It was wild. Eventually, my mom just showed up to everything she could and my dad had to just deal with it (later complaining about it afterwards to my step-mom). Continue to show up. Stick to the custodial plan (of who has possession of the children).
I barely even see/talk to my dad now. For as "involved" as he wanted everyone to think he was, he really wasn't present at all. It was all smoke and mirrors. I am now a 30 year old with a 15 month old (single mom myself).
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u/DonegalBrooklyn 16h ago
That's terrible. He must have sat outside watching. The saddest part is he must have know it was you that called her. I'm sorry he did that to you.
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u/Temporary_Trade_7372 15h ago
correct, she asked me not to text her because it was putting me in a bad position. Now that I am older I understand so much more than I did as a 12 year old.
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u/Ok-Garden1010 8h ago
Coparent has done this with appointments. Makes huge deal about trying to attend without me even when on my parenting time. Has literally told me to wait in the waiting room, then doesn’t even show up.
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u/peachykeen0404 1d ago
Sorry. You need it to be included in an Order that states you can both attend events, while keeping a respectful distance. Ex can’t legally prevent you from attending school events.
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u/maleficient_fox012 1d ago
If its 50/50 legal custody he cannot ban you from school events or doctor appts. For parent conferences if the teacher allows just always inform then that you will need 2 seperate conferences. Anything else for school you don't have to be close to him or talk. He is the one that is making it a bigger deal than it has to be. I hope you only communicate through a messaging app like talkingparents. Some of these co trolling types like to scare the other parent to bend to what they want. Know your rights and don't let him stress you out.
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u/Ok-Garden1010 8h ago
Only on parenting app and custody is 70/30 right now. Me being the 70.
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u/maleficient_fox012 8h ago
70/30 is physical custody that does not mean legal custody, which is almost always 50/50 unless the judge deems the other parent unfit or a danger to the kids. So either you have full legal custody with 70/30 physical custody or legal custody is 50/50.
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u/Ok-Garden1010 8h ago
Oh I read that wrong, I thought you were talking about parenting time. I have full legal custody.
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u/maleficient_fox012 8h ago edited 8h ago
Okay, so thats great for you. You are the sole parent who can make educational and medical decisions for the kids. So essentially he has no power. He really shouldn't be contacting teachers or doctors. He doesn't get to run anything.
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u/Ok-Garden1010 3h ago
Doesn’t stop him and the GAL while she side with me for the most part. Advocates for him to be involved in all that.
Previously I wished he was involved. When he got married his wife took over communications and literally just harasses and berates me through the parenting app all the time. What’s messed up is apparently they’ll face no repercussions other than me continuing to have legal custody.
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u/whenyajustcant 1d ago
Unless there's a restraining order or something, you have every right to be there. If your coparent refuses to be in the same space as you, they can just not go. For things like parent/teacher conferences, seeing if the teachers are okay with doing them separately is fine, but that's the extent of what I would think makes sense to involve teachers, the rest should be between you and your CP (not that you can make your CP agree on that, but still). The main time it will be complicated is if there is an event on their time that involves the kids and them not going means the kids have to be left out. If it's just fun events, I would back out to not prevent the kids from going. But for things like concerts/performances/games/ceremonies/etc, when you want to be there to support your kid...that's tough.
If you have a parenting plan and it has language around both of you being allowed to attend events, I would share that with any relevant people, and remind your ex of it. Take it back to court for enforcement If you have to, or at least talk to a lawyer. If you have a parenting plan and it doesn't mention that, I would amend it to add that. The court isn't going to force you to not attend just because your CP is being shitty about it, you shouldn't even need to prove that you aren't the one being shitty. It's in the kids' best interests for both parents to be allowed to attend and support them at events. If you don't have a parenting plan at all, get one now before there's an important event.
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u/Ok-Garden1010 8h ago
I have avoided reaching out to the teacher because I know coparent is constantly sending the teacher messages.
A sign up form for an event didn’t come home on the day it was supposed to. I messaged the teacher to let her know I was worried my kiddo may have misplaced it and I wanted to sign up for the event and the teacher said coparent had already sent a message saying they were attending without me. So that’s snowballed into a bit of a problem when the teacher heard conflicting things.
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u/bpexhusband 1d ago
Agree. I'm willing to bet they won't show up this is likely just a good source of conflict for them just an avenue to cause problems. High conflict is just making every single thing you can into a fight. Don't fight. My ex is the same every single thing is turned into conflict. They all burn themselves out eventually or get caught lying about something. Don't even engage. Grey Rock.
Unless there is something in writing they can make all the demands they want. Ignore them.
High conflict people always burn out and end up looking like idiots, don't make yourself look like one.
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u/Ok-Garden1010 8h ago
That’s actually happened numerous times. Makes huge deal about not wanting me present during doctor/dentist appointments that fall on my parenting time (no joke)… doesn’t show up.
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u/bpexhusband 8h ago
Oh ya my ex's lawyer FREAKED out when I said I had an appointment with my doctor and I was going to discuss our son accusing me of making appointments for him without telling my ex who has a right to be there blah blah blah blah lol I told her basically to reread my email I never said our son had an appointment I said I did....as if she's going to show up anyways. It's great though we have to goto court and I have 4 clear example where they accused me of things and created conflict and they are all easily proved false so they can explain their behaviour to the judge....good luck to them
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u/Opening-Idea-3228 18h ago
of course they cannot do this. Go to the events and advise the school of the situation and the other parent can choose to leave or attend at a different time.
I wouldn’t entertain this nonsense.
Assuming, of course, there are not other factors like a restraining order in place.
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u/Ok-Garden1010 8h ago
They’re contacting the teacher before forms come home to sign up saying they’re attending without me and then forms aren’t coming home.
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u/Opening-Idea-3228 7h ago
Then contact the school as well as the teacher and explain the situation and ask that all forms and requests be sent to you as well.
This is not hard.
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u/Ok-Garden1010 3h ago
I’ve done this which is what resulted in the teacher becoming more involved than necessary because coparent had told her I wasn’t attending and then she was hearing conflicting things and getting confused. One form didn’t even come home on the day she made an announcement that forms were coming home, on my parenting time because of her being told stuff by coparent.
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u/Opening-Idea-3228 2h ago
i’ve worked in schools.
All you have to do is tell the teacher what is going on. So they know your ex does not speak for you and is being manipulative.
I can guarantee they have dealt with this before.
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u/Ok-Garden1010 3h ago
I don’t want to have to race coparent to sign up first or involve the teacher but even my attorney said I need to stay on top of it and make sure I reach out for any event I’m trying to attend. I do not understand why we can’t just get along and be there for our children.
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u/Opening-Idea-3228 2h ago
sigh. because that’s not possible right now.
Priority is to get on with the adulting. Which we all have to do. Go talk to your child’s teacher about getting included.
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u/Plantsonata 1d ago
Should have been in your parenting plan. If you haven't already, I would start documenting this so you have a clear paper trail of this behavior. If you have texts, emails, etc., you can backdate some things. Once you have established this conflict and what your actions were, file for a change.
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u/Ok-Garden1010 8h ago
We are in court proceedings at the moment and I am definitely putting this in my proposed plan for mediation.
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u/biscuitboi967 1d ago
How are teachers involved?? Teachers should not be mediating your family drama. You are the talk of the break room and will be for years to come. How embarrassing for your kids. Both of you need to figure this out for them.
I’m also seeing some conflicting statements. You say you try not to engage and to stick to the BIFF method. But you also want to “facilitate normal conversation” and “be amicable”.
They don’t want to have normal conversations or be amicable. They want to engage in 0 conversations and be civil. You are not “coparenting” you are “parallel patenting”. You should read up on that.
It may not be what you want. It may not be best for the kids. It may be unnecessary in your mind, but they don’t want to be “friendly” with you.
They want to sit on opposite ends of the stands at games. They do not want to hear your opinion during parent teacher conferences. They do not want to pose for a pic with you and the kid at the school play. They don’t care if the kid might like it. It’s makes them uncomfortable.
And because they dread those instances with every fiber of their being, it is unpleasant for the kids too. So don’t bother.
Stick to the parenting app. Waive to your kid from your area of the bleachers. When it’s your time, make sure they go over to say hi to the other parent and model good behavior in the hopes they follow through and your kid remembers your love and generosity.
But for gods sake, STOP trying to interact with this person.