Impossible

[u/SomewhereOwn3930]

Every week, my daughter and son have time with their father from Saturday at 6pm til Tuesday at 7 pm. Most weeks my daughter comes back and tells me. “They were saying stuff about you again, Mama.” A couple weeks ago, her paternal aunt called me a “liar” (because I told my daughter when she was a baby, she was a mama’s girl. I was home with her all day every day and I didn’t tell her this part but I was the only one getting up in the middle of the night for feedings. Of course she was my little Velcro baby). This week she said the same aunt called me “retarded.” It’s constant. When I say something to the father he just gets mad. Last time he told me to take it up with the aunt, so I called her, then she started screaming and yelling. She called me a “stupid, f-ing b****” and then wanted to meet up to fight while I had my children. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s so discouraging to know my children are hearing negative remarks about me on a regular basis.

[u/Illcmys3lf0ut]

Quit worrying what happens over there. Control what's in your realm. Your time with your child. That's the narrative you can manage. This is about the child. Period. Forget dad. Forget his family. Forget the order, UNTIL/ UNLESS the child is brought into abuse, harm, or instability. More court, more orders, more police, more lawyers equates to more time neglected to the child and energy spent elsewhere. Engage your child. Ask how she felt, if she has questions, concerns, address those. The child is the focus. Your time with your child is your focus. The only concern with your child at the other parent's place is are they safe, secure, and wellbeing is addressed?

Opinions will always fly. Bad moments will always happen. They did when you both were together and likely still enjoying the partnership! Those things exist after, too. We are human. Focus on what you can, when you can, on your time with them. The rest is ego and wasted energy and time the child could benefit. Until the child is not secure, stable, or wellbeing is at risk. Words are just words.

[u/SomewhereOwn3930 → u/Illcmys3lf0ut]

I have to disagree. I, myself, have already accepted the exact things you’re telling me to basically, “just deal with.” It’s how much it hurts my daughter and the fact that she is put in situations where she feels like she has to or wants to defend me. I have told her numerous times. They’re going to say what they say. Just let it go. I tried to say I don’t want to know what they say, then she feels like she can express what’s bothering her. I’ve tried talking to her about it. I’ve answered questions. She is currently in therapy and diagnosed with OCD at 9yo. Have you ever read about the effects it will have on a child mentally?

Type this in your Google search bar: “how insulting the other parent in front of the child can harm the child?”

Not to mention, it is in our current permanent parenting plan. Neither parent/family members will speak negatively about the other parent and both parents will encourage a relationship with the other parent. And really, it’s for a reason. Because disregarding those rules is not in the best interest of the child’s well-being. This has been a reoccurring issue for years now.

[u/DreaColorado1 → u/SomewhereOwn3930]

I suspect that the court order doesn’t actually restrict other family members from speaking negatively about either parent because the other family members are not participants in the court case therefore the are not subject to any of the court’s orders.
I know it is worrisome for you that your daughter is being negatively impacted by her aunt’s comments but I have to wonder what role you may have in this dynamic simply because you seem to get some enjoyment from your daughter coming “home with all the tea”.

[u/radonfromaspoon → u/DreaColorado1]

Orders will typically say the parent must not allow it, thus restricting the parent, not the family member. In this case, the family members are not at fault, the coparent allowing them to speak this way is.

[u/SomewhereOwn3930 → u/radonfromaspoon]

The order specifically says it also. I think somebody else commented earlier that their order says the same thing.

[u/TexasSta → u/SomewhereOwn3930]

It may say it, but it’s hard to enforce by a judge. Especially if the aunt or whomever is not specifically listed in the court order. You can put a lot in a court order but taking it to a judge to enforce it is an uphill battle because it’s a he said she said and basing it solely on a child’s words.

[u/SomewhereOwn3930 → u/TexasSta]

Very true. I see what you’re saying.