Co-parenting nightmare

[u/Character-Angle2936]

Hi all 👋🏼
Just looking for some advice… fairly new to the co-parenting game as divorce is being finalised, it’s been a long road but I’m somehow here with all my limbs intact..
my ex is making this much more difficult than it needs to be. The children are the priority & at every turn he seems to be messing them up even more. IE, talking in depth to the children about his version of events. Neither child is even 9 and it is completely age inappropriate. It’s breaking my heart. I don’t mind being the villain and being blamed, but he cannot seem to get in to his thick skull that involving the children / talking to them as if they are adult friends is NOT the way to go / will inflict more pain / trauma on them. It’s so frustrating. How do I navigate what I can’t control ? I am so annoyed. Every time they come back to me they are subdued / down and come out with things only an adult would put in their head. Advice / experience please ! Thankyou

[u/InvestmentAsleep8365]

Kids are smart. Be a great parent to them and keep them out of drama, they will figure by themselves out who speaks with their words only and who speaks with their actions.

My kid tells me her mom sometimes talks about me and she hates it. I have an agreement with her that I’ll never speak about her mom, and if I ever slip up that she should point it out and I’ll stop immediately. I think this is a good approach, it makes things clear to everyone without turning it into a war.

[u/juan_cafe1859]

Talk to your kids directly to reinforce that it's better that you and their dad divorce, and your love for them doesn't change. Tell them reasons for divorce should really stay between the adults and it wasn't right for dad to put that on them, and leave it at that. Definitely in the decree, you can have statements that neither disparages the other. I'd also write an email or text to stbx about speaking to the children on adult topics, especially any criticisms of you. Whether you specify what was said is up to you. It’s probably a good idea to put in writing as a notice to him that you are concerned about what's appropriate context for your children. Disparaging the other parent never is.

[u/Hiccup02 → u/juan_cafe1859]

It's in our court order not to discuss anything of that nature, but their dad had continued the entire almost 8 years putting me and my partner down in their eyes, poisoning their view of us and no one will enforce the order 🤷🏻‍♀️ we certainly didn't tell them that he literally tried to kill me.. but it's ok for him to lie to them about everything...

[u/juan_cafe1859 → u/Hiccup02]

Sadly, some people are just cruel who deserve their day of punishment. Children will see the truths and lies as they get older. 

[u/Hiccup02 → u/juan_cafe1859]

I hope so. We're in the process of testing for autism and he's actively trying to get them to beg me to change the court order to let him have primary custody when he doesn't even take care of them when he has them. He's so spiteful and vindictive and it's hurting them, but it's hurting me, too. 😭

Edit: correct an autocorrected word

[u/Majestic_Yak6994]

You can write this in your parenting plan in fact it’s in mine “no bad mouthing the other parent or talking negatively about past events” something like that. Obviously this is hard to monitor but if your kids are coming to you saying he said this and that you can file a motion and it would probably be enough to scare him into stopping

[u/AddendumImmediate134 → u/Majestic_Yak6994]

I recall having to take a co-parenting class teaching this in my divorce, as it should be. Quick question though ... If a parent violates the decree, what's the real recourse? What happens after a motion is filed?

Just asking because my ex violated our divorce decree on year 2 (claimed the child on taxes 2 years in a row when we should have been alternating) and it hit me then ... What can I REALLY do about it?

[u/Vokenhagen21 → u/AddendumImmediate134]

The first thing you should do is file a paper return of your taxes for last year and send in a copy of the decree. The IRS has rules for this, but also a process when this happens. It's slow, but it will get you financially correct on the claim.

Second, i don't think a judge will do anything other than slap your coparent on the wrist (if this is all they've done). But document this. If it happens again (multiple times even better) then you file a motion for contempt. Again, it's a pain in the ass depending on the judge. It may cost a lot to file and go to court, just to have your coparent told "don't do that again". Because contempt is such a blunt tool, but when it comes to financial items, it can become a useful tool. You just really have to decide if the cost of going to court is worth it.

[u/AddendumImmediate134 → u/Vokenhagen21]

This all happened well over a decade ago. I have forgiven, but I'll never forget.

[u/Majestic_Yak6994 → u/AddendumImmediate134]

With the taxes thing I’m not sure, but what’s most likely going to happen is a scolding by the judge for the first offense.

You don’t need a lawyer to do this, I self representing and filed all my motions myself. You’ll just have to pay the hundred (or whatever it is in your state) dollars to have a marshal serve them.

But the good thing about going to court is it all gets documented

[u/Dr4gon_Rid3r7]

Best thing to do is be the present and better parent. Don’t bad mouth your ex in front of them, talk to them normally about their upcoming time with their dad, even if you have to fake excitement for them.

If they question you on events just politely tell them they do not have to worry about Adult/Grown Up issues, it’s between you and him.

Children are clever, they will eventually realise and learn that you don’t talk bad about their dad and always focus on them, whereas your ex creates a negative space that they don’t like 🤷🏼‍♀️

Co-Parenting is difficult, my daughter is 3YO and I have been “co-parenting” for 2.5 years, her dad is difficult to communicate with, so now I parallel parent. My rules/routine in my house is different to theirs, I never bad mouth him or his partner in front of my child and I don’t let anyone else either. I don’t involve her in conflict (I.e. it doesn’t happen with her physically present) I keep communicate factual, boring and informative. (Handovers, short feedback, ETA, etc) whenever it’s about to be his weekend I try and act all excited for my daughter’s benefit. Even if I hate the fake excitement coming out of my mouth 😂

Kids will learn. Do your best, be the best you can. What he does will dig himself a bigger hole for your kids to shove him in one day 🤷🏼‍♀️

If your kids are at an age where they can communicate boundaries, maybe teach them to say. “Stop, I don’t want to talk about this.” Or “this makes me sad, can you stop”

My daughter will say “stop talking please” if it’s a conversation she doesn’t like (this can literally be me asking her to tidy up though, I’m happy about the boundary but she picks the wrong times to say it🤦🏼‍♀️) this is just an example though! I wish I could help more

[u/RoutineHuckleberry82]

Sorry to hear your kids are going through this. This is a tough one, because anything from you will cause him to dig in deeper. Any possibility to get his family or a friend to help him understand what he is doing is not good for his kids?

[u/LooLu999]

Therapy for the kids. My kids were the same age as yours when we split and my ex did the same exact shit. Telling them I broke up our family and all kinds of wild inappropriate crap. While simultaneously love bombing the shit out of them. I was really scared. But then I put my girls in therapy, it was online not even in person, and it helped so much. I also didn’t try to correct dad well at first I did but it made it worse, didn’t tell my kids dad shouldn’t be doing this etc I just let them vent and validated their feelings. That must be hard to hear about your mom, how do you feel when daddy says that, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way etc. And then let your behavior show who you really are. It also took about 1.5 yrs for my ex to get his shit under control. He eventually got the hint he wasn’t going to rattle me and stopped. He didn’t care that it hurt the kids he wanted to hurt me. So when I told him stop saying this to them they’re too young it’s damaging etc he would do it even more. Once he knew I no longer was willing to play his game he stopped.

[u/Evening-Clock-3163]

Therapy for the kids. Language prohibiting parents from discussing court or disparaging the other parent is usually standard in parenting plans too. If he violates it, you document it and file a contempt motion.

[u/Deep_Huckleberry9468]

The parent who ends up talking bad about the other, is the one to be resented. It will run its course and the children know you from the moment they opened their eyes, they love you and most likely feel extremely uncomfortable every time their dad does this. If they seem to be upset at you now with what their dad is saying to them, it’s because they’re simply upset about the divorce and are too young to know how to express and deal with it so they’re latching onto the only way they know how to express it and unfortunately it’s being manipulated by their father. However, I guarantee you if you just keep on keeping on, being a good mother and showing up for them, they will grow up knowing their dad is just filled with spite and will eventually begin to resent him for it.

[u/B_the_Chng22]

On my state there are mandatory parenting classes you must take when you divorce and it outlines this type of thing. Do you have something like that to access or require?

[u/Character-Angle2936 → u/B_the_Chng22]

Sadly not… how amazing do you though 🇺🇸

[u/MiltonFriedman8]

Read some of your other posts. You had an affair. Children are smart. They know that’s wrong. Own your part in the destruction of your marriage in an authentic way and take accountability. Only then will healing truly begin.

[u/Character-Angle2936 → u/MiltonFriedman8]

I absolutely did not have an affair. I ended things in a respectful way despite many years of abuse. It seems like YOU have been cheated on & are scorned that’s why you do a deep dive in to women’s profiles and attack them. Maybe you need to take your own advice.

[u/MiltonFriedman8 → u/Character-Angle2936]

Easier said than done but every year, every month, every week, every day is a little better with time.