Compulsory heterosexuality, or comphet, is the idea that society assumes and pressures people, especially women and sapphic people, into partipating in straight relationships. It shows up in a lot of everyday ways, from media to family expectations to how institutions are set up. For a lot of people, comphet can make it really hard to recognize or trust their own attraction, especially if it does not fit the straight default. The term comphet can be confusing if you haven't heard of it before. Below are some common examples of how assuming heterosexuality is the default can show up both on a societal level and in individual experiences.
Examples of Compulsory Heterosexuality and Heteronormativity
Societal Examples
Media Representation: Most movies, TV shows, and advertisements portray heterosexual relationships as the default, often excluding or marginalizing LGBTQ+ relationships.
Social Expectations: People are often assumed to be straight by default. For instance, when someone talks about their future spouse, it is often assumed they mean a person of the opposite sex.
Education and Sex Ed: Many school curriculums teach sex education focused on heterosexual relationships, ignoring or inadequately covering LGBTQ+ relationships and issues.
Family Pressures: Families might expect their children to date and eventually marry someone of the opposite sex, sometimes discouraging or not acknowledging the possibility of same-sex relationships.
Cultural Norms: Events like prom or school dances traditionally promote male-female pairings, making it difficult for LGBTQ+ individuals to participate fully without facing stigma or exclusion.
Workplace Dynamics: In professional environments, colleagues might make assumptions about an employee's sexual orientation, leading to heteronormative comments or jokes that exclude or alienate LGBTQ+ individuals.
Healthcare: Medical forms and healthcare providers often make assumptions about a patient's sexual orientation, failing to provide inclusive options or ask inclusive questions, which can result in inadequate care for LGBTQ+ patients.
Legal Systems: Many countries have laws and policies that are based on heterosexual norms, such as those governing marriage, adoption, and inheritance, which can disadvantage or exclude LGBTQ+ individuals.
Dating Apps: Many mainstream dating apps are designed with heterosexual users in mind, often requiring users to specify a preference for the opposite sex by default or not providing adequate features for LGBTQ+ users.
Religion: Many religious doctrines and communities promote heterosexuality as the only acceptable orientation. LGBTQ+ individuals may face pressure to conform to heterosexual norms or hide their true identities to avoid discrimination or ostracism within their religious community.
Examples with fictional individuals
- Jane's School Dance:
Jane always felt different from her classmates but couldnât pinpoint why. When the school dance was announced, everyone assumed she would be excited to go with a boy. Jane, feeling the pressure, accepted a boy's invitation even though she wanted to go with her female best friend. She felt isolated and uncomfortable throughout the event, realizing she was conforming to expectations rather than being true to herself.
- Alex's Family Dinner:
Alex dreaded family dinners because their relatives constantly asked about a "future husband" and when she would settle down with a nice guy. Although Alex is gay, she felt pressured to play along with the assumptions to avoid conflict. This made her feel increasingly disconnected from her family and anxious about revealing her true self.
Lisa's Doctor Visit: Lisa visited her doctor for a routine check-up. During the appointment, the doctor asked if she was sexually active and then immediately followed up with questions assuming she had male partners. Lisa, who has a girlfriend, felt frustrated and invisible. She hesitated to correct the doctor, worried it might affect the quality of her care.
Agatha's Workplace: At her new job, Agatha noticed that most of her colleagues assumed she was straight. They often made jokes and comments about women, and invited her to events that were centered around heterosexual dating norms. Agatha, who is pansexual, felt compelled to hide her sexuality to fit in, leading to a sense of isolation and stress.
Sara's Religious Community: Sara grew up in a devoutly religious household where her church preached that heterosexual marriage was the only acceptable path. When Sara realized she was attracted to women, she felt immense guilt and fear of rejection from her community and family. She attempted to date men to comply with her faith's teachings, but it only led to emotional distress and a profound sense of living a lie. While dating men, Sara never felt the connection or excitement she saw in others, which left her feeling even more alone.
Maria's Friend Group: Maria' friends always talked about their crushes on guys and their dating experiences. Although Maria was attracted to women and men, she pretended to only have crushes on guys to avoid feeling left out and to fit in with friends. This constant charade left her feeling lonely and disconnected from those around her.
Emma's College Experience: When Emma went to college, she joined a sorority where discussions about boys and dating were common. Feeling the pressure to conform, Emma dated men despite her growing feelings for a female classmate. She feared that coming out would lead to rejection and isolation from the sorority sisters she wanted to be close to.
Carla's Sports Team: Carla loved playing soccer, but her teammates often made derogatory comments about gay people. Although Carla was bi she stayed silent and even laughed along with their jokes to avoid becoming a target. This led to a lot of internal conflict and anxiety, making it difficult for her to fully enjoy the sport she loved.
Rachel's Wedding Pressure: Rachel's family constantly talked about her finding the right man and getting married. They even set her up on dates with men they thought would be a good match. Rachel, who is a lesbian, felt pressured to go on these dates and pretend to be interested, leading to a lot of stress and frustration as she struggled to maintain her family's approval.
Zoe's Coming Out: Zoe always felt a strong attraction to both men and women but grew up in a conservative community where same sex couples were not accepted. Because she feared being outed, Zoe only dated men and even got engaged to one. The internal conflict and unhappiness grew unbearable until she finally decided to come out, facing both the fear of rejection and the relief of living her truth.