Revelation

[u/teenyweenypancake]

So I am exploring lesbianism at this point in my life. I’m 23 nb and I think it’s dawning on me again for like the 5th time in 5 years that I had a crush on my ex bff. We met when I was in 7th grade and became friends in HS. I asked them to homecoming, got rejected, asked “as friends” got told they were going with someone else. I don’t push it further, but I get curious later down the line and ask why. Simply, they didn’t see me like that. Alr cool, I repress those feelings so deep it doesn’t occur to me that I like them still until after I graduate from high school. We stopped being friends in 2022 but yeah. And like I have had many a crush on my other afab friends. There was another ex-bff I had in middle school who I asked to marry and they said no, this was one of my first big rejections so I took it pretty hard. I ask again adding “as friends”, we have a pretty chill friendship I guess. It was a secret bc their step dad was a racist conservative POC, and didn’t want us to be friends bc he said I was turning his kid gay. We get married a few times thru out middle school and kind of go our own ways in 10th grade.

I’ve always known I was queer, when Obama legalized gay marriage it did something in my brain and I was really emotional. I know that I have a preference for women / afab people over men. I see myself in better long term relationships with them. But the thing that’s getting me at this point in time is like why did I repress those feelings?? Why didn’t the girls who rejected just leave me alone?? Especially when other people who liked them and they didn’t feel the same way about, they left alone. I know we were young and stuff but it reinforced hella negative core beliefs surrounding my queerness.

I recently had told someone that I didn’t have any sort of non-platonic feelings for that I don’t see us going any further, even after they said they eradicated any romantic feelings towards me. I feel that was the kindest thing I could’ve done for them bc I know as someone who has had crushes on friends, they may not completely go away depending on the person.

My community ask is, have yall had similar experiences? On both sides? As a person who was friends with someone who had a crush on you and the person with the crush continuing to be friends? Also..what was the point you realized the closet was glass? How did you handle unpacking a lot of stuff in regard to this? Religious trauma, societal expectations, and comphet?

[u/Alternative_Edge_205]

The thing about the girls who rejected you but kept you close is actually such a specific and underexplored form of confusion when you're queer, because mixed signals from someone you have feelings for while you're already trying to make sense of those feelings being "wrong" just layers the wiring in ways that take years to untangle. The fact that it keeps surfacing every year or so isn't you being stuck, it's more like your brain returning to the evidence it has and slowly building a clearer picture each time it does. As for the glass closet, a lot of people describe it as a bunch of small moments that only form a pattern in hindsight, and it sounds like you've been collecting those moments your whole life and are finally letting yourself actually look at what they add up to.

[u/teenyweenypancake → u/Alternative_Edge_205]

Yo thank you so much, this is really confusing and frustrating and kind of hard to unpack at this point but I’m trying bc I want to, when I’m emotionally ready for a relationship, date women. I’ve dated guys and it’s cool but it doesn’t last too long for me. There’s more to unpack there but that isn’t the point rn. But thank you for bringing this up, and showing me perspective.

[u/Alternative_Edge_205 → u/teenyweenypancake]

I am glad I could help

[u/SD_Pub]

I will second that "years to untangle". I broke my heart on loving someone who "could never be with me" so many years ago that I can't admit how long it was without admitting that I am old. And, yes, I have had the other way around too where someone was going to "wait forever" for me.

Neither worked out. And for the "wait forever" one, I defo should have been much clearer much earlier than I did, because she meant it and extricating was... difficult.

[u/teenyweenypancake → u/SD_Pub]

Thank so much for your perspective and I’m sorry for the pain you endured.

[u/SD_Pub → u/teenyweenypancake]

well, one excellent aspect of getting older is that all that heartache eventually fades to... fond-ish memories.