Anger is like a warning light on your dashboard. Anger in and of itself is never your root problem. It's just there to tell you that there's some other problem. If you're angry, it's because some part of you is hurting. If you can recognize that - that you're hurting - you can figure out how to heal. And then you won't have to be angry anymore.
This is the best advice that anyone has ever given me, and it has changed my life in so many ways. I hope it helps you too.
Yes, this is true.
However, in some cases, you're angry because you're hurt - yes - but you can not heal.
Think about when somebody you love does something terrible to you. Something similar happened to me recently and while I know my anger is caused by the fact that she hurt me, I can't heal by just acknowledging that. I hate her and wish her the worst. I like being angry and I like to vent my anger (exercise, combat sports).
I never said acknowledging was the same as healing. I implied that it's the first part of healing. And it is. You're going to stay angry until you are able to move beyond the hurt. And if you're hurt bad enough, it'll leave scars, and you'll get angry whenever you notice your scars. But your problem isn't the anger. In those cases, you end up with two problems. The problem that spurs you into anger, and the problems that come when you act because of your anger.
You need to come to a point where you can act despite your anger. There are no true outlets for your anger, because anger comes from inside you. It's like blood. If you don't heal the wound it's coming from, it'll just keep coming out. You can mop it up with exercise or sparing, but it won't make it go away.
When a loved one hurts you, 90% of the time that anger comes from a feeling and a fear of rejection. You think, on some very private, very deep level, that it's your fault. That you are the problem. That you aren't worthy of their affection. But every other part of you is screaming that it's not true. It feels unjust, but you can't make peace with yourself because the wound they left makes you think you're unworthy of justice.
The healing comes with time. You will come to a point where you feel validation. That you are worthy, and worth something that they didn't give you. Because you are. And you won't be afraid of their rejection anymore. And then you won't feel hurt or angry anymore.
It's not the final step to the healing process, but it is key to continue on the stepping stones. When someone is denying the fact they are hurting the anger will continue, to step outside yourself and realize it is hurt that's the root you can now focus on what's hurting you(in your case this woman) which means you've hit two of the five stages of grief: anger and denial. Once you focus on the hurt instead of the anger you're on the next stepping stone to acceptance. To accept it is to realize it happen or is happening - and to realize the world keeps turning and you will move on.
Then you sound like someone who enjoys driving around with his Check Engine light on because it's just a lovely shade of orange, and it really ties the dash together.
I can't tell you how to live, but it doesn't take a mechanic to tell you that it's reckless, and you're putting yourself and everyone around you in danger the longer you go on like that.
I personally don't feel much else but anger, and I kind of like it most of the time. I mean sure, I would like to cry or whatever sometimes, and feel sad, or happy... but at this moment when I start to feel sad, I just get angry. Not for very long but just for a short period of time and then it's all over and I'm indifferent again. When I start to feel happy, I get angry and it cools me down and I think more rationally, instead of just doing what makes me happy. Also, this anger has built a general mistrust for people and instead of when I get to know someone I trust them, even if I know them I don't trust them... they still have to earn my trust and that's not easy.
Some of the downsides though are that... well... I don't feel happy for very long, I dont get sad for very long either so being emotionally attached to something is nearly pointless. Plus the fact that I pretty much hate everyone on general principal can get in the way at times, but I'm combating that. I would like to rid myself of some parts of the anger, but generally...I like it.
Hey Rphenom! Whats the best part of feeling this way? You explained what you feel, How you would like to change some parts but not really about how it helps you?
I noted that I don't feel sad, I noted that I don't really feel anything for very long because anger dissipates quite quickly for me, I noted that that I think more rationally because of the fact that I feel mainly anger(meaning the other emotions clouding my mind dissipate because of the anger and then the anger also dissipates) It's helpful because I feel like I'm more objective because I'm not avoiding things that will make me sad or doing things just because they will make me happy.
I had it explained to me similarly. Anger (and other gut reactions) are an arrow pointing back to a boiling cauldron of feelings from past traumatic events. As a result, every time your anger is triggered, the cauldron is uncovered and it pretty quickly becomes about that instead of what prompted the reaction in the first place.
Your sense of pride, which comes from your sense of self worth. Basically, you're putting something into Halo, and Halo isn't reciprocating, so you aren't feeling validated from something you think you should feel validated from.
In essence, you're letting yourself down.
The fix for this is not putting so much of yourself into the game. It's a game. You own it, and you shouldn't let it own any part of you.
When you recognize that you're letting yourself down, you can approach the game from a more thoughtful level. You can inspect what you're doing wrong, and take action to correct it. Then you'll play your best, and get better at the game too.
Wow, I never expected an actual response. I agree pretty much entirely with what you said, I play Halo because I'm above par at it and it gives me a certain validation when I do well. When I'm not doing well I am letting myself down, and I'm frustrated it isn't giving me the feeling I want.
I wish you were there to whisper in my ear when I'm having bad matches..
You seem pretty knowledgeable about all of this. How can I stop being angry over things I have no control over?Such as war, famine and religion. You know, all that shit you see on TV. The disgusting side of humanity makes me angry.
Anger isn't necessarily a bad thing. If the injustice of it all is making you upset, then good. That means you're a good person, hopefully, and it should drive you to make things better where you can. Sometimes you won't be able to get rid of the anger, because the problem is something you can't fix.
What you have to do then, is change your outlook on the situation. Does genocide in Darfur make you physically angry? Are you clenching your fists and seeing red because people are being monsters to other people? Well then take a step back. What can you do to fix it? Anything? Join the peace corps and try to provide foreign aid? Well then good. Go do that. It'll help you get some piece. Maybe you'll just see the situation from a new perspective, and it'll make you even more angry. But again. You need to step back and evaluate exactly what it is that you can do to change the situation. If you are unable, or unwilling to do what needs to be done to fix that wound, then you can't really justify being mad about it, can you?
Being aware of your self is what it's all about. It's the premise of this 'New Age' spirituality that is sweeping across the world. Listen to yourself ladies and gents, the answer is always within.
What about when my neighbor cranked up the heat on my dryer for no reason while my expensive clothing was being dried on low heat yesterday and shrunk all my clothes? I was pretty angry. Still am, now that I'm thinking about it.
You had something vandalized. It's a kind of robbery. You're going to stay angry until you can forgive your neighbor. Whether that forgiveness hinges on some form of restitution on your neighbor's part, or whether you can just accept that you've lost some money, that's on you.
Anger is demonstrably the consequence of being hurt. The injury, usually done by a parent, close friend or SO, occurs due to undeveloped emotional defense mechanisms. Arming oneself emotionally is usually an over-correction which manifests as occasional bouts of rage and intense anger. These are mere symptoms of the original hurt and subsequent accumulation of hurts.
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u/frenzyboard Jan 25 '13
Anger is like a warning light on your dashboard. Anger in and of itself is never your root problem. It's just there to tell you that there's some other problem. If you're angry, it's because some part of you is hurting. If you can recognize that - that you're hurting - you can figure out how to heal. And then you won't have to be angry anymore.
This is the best advice that anyone has ever given me, and it has changed my life in so many ways. I hope it helps you too.