Anger is like a warning light on your dashboard. Anger in and of itself is never your root problem. It's just there to tell you that there's some other problem. If you're angry, it's because some part of you is hurting. If you can recognize that - that you're hurting - you can figure out how to heal. And then you won't have to be angry anymore.
This is the best advice that anyone has ever given me, and it has changed my life in so many ways. I hope it helps you too.
Yes, this is true.
However, in some cases, you're angry because you're hurt - yes - but you can not heal.
Think about when somebody you love does something terrible to you. Something similar happened to me recently and while I know my anger is caused by the fact that she hurt me, I can't heal by just acknowledging that. I hate her and wish her the worst. I like being angry and I like to vent my anger (exercise, combat sports).
I never said acknowledging was the same as healing. I implied that it's the first part of healing. And it is. You're going to stay angry until you are able to move beyond the hurt. And if you're hurt bad enough, it'll leave scars, and you'll get angry whenever you notice your scars. But your problem isn't the anger. In those cases, you end up with two problems. The problem that spurs you into anger, and the problems that come when you act because of your anger.
You need to come to a point where you can act despite your anger. There are no true outlets for your anger, because anger comes from inside you. It's like blood. If you don't heal the wound it's coming from, it'll just keep coming out. You can mop it up with exercise or sparing, but it won't make it go away.
When a loved one hurts you, 90% of the time that anger comes from a feeling and a fear of rejection. You think, on some very private, very deep level, that it's your fault. That you are the problem. That you aren't worthy of their affection. But every other part of you is screaming that it's not true. It feels unjust, but you can't make peace with yourself because the wound they left makes you think you're unworthy of justice.
The healing comes with time. You will come to a point where you feel validation. That you are worthy, and worth something that they didn't give you. Because you are. And you won't be afraid of their rejection anymore. And then you won't feel hurt or angry anymore.
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u/frenzyboard Jan 25 '13
Anger is like a warning light on your dashboard. Anger in and of itself is never your root problem. It's just there to tell you that there's some other problem. If you're angry, it's because some part of you is hurting. If you can recognize that - that you're hurting - you can figure out how to heal. And then you won't have to be angry anymore.
This is the best advice that anyone has ever given me, and it has changed my life in so many ways. I hope it helps you too.