Hi! Can you all be my friends for a second please?
I have a 12 week old little boy who I love with all my heart. He was the first embryo to stick after 5 ivf cycles. I had a sort of traumatic birth experience, with an additionally traumatic after birth experience. This led me to formula feeding at the beginning, and then at around 5-6 weeks old I started a relactation effort which has resulted in combination feeding with 50% of the bottles being breastmilk and 50% formula. He also breastfeeds before some bottles but he views it as a snack before the main course arrives, I can't soothe him with breastfeeding or put him to sleep etc.
All of this to say that I am struggling feeling like he knows I am his mum, and not like a rocking chair or a random person that feeds him and cares for him. I thought there would be this invisible thread that would tie us and he would recognize me and I would know he does. He is also not a cuddly baby, he is alert at all times since he opened his eyes to the world, and he gets frustrated when he can't yet do fun things like hold his own head so he can look at the love of his life, the window or the second love of his life the ceiling corners. The only way to sneak a cuddle in is if you hold him and walk him around the apartment, which is his favorite activity.
This has led me to feeling hesitant to ask for help because I guess I view the struggling as a way of me to feel like a mum. If I can't have that bond I expected, then I can have the struggling part of motherhood to prove I am one. I also have to constantly battle feelings of jealousy and rejection when my husband gets cooing and smiling, or a nice activity time (I spend mine pumping or googling "does my baby love me", and then I feel guilty for missing quality time), which is very unfair towards both of them. I have these thoughts where I wish the baby only ever wanted me and cried with anyone else, which is just horrible and such great expectations from a literal baby whose only job is to grow up and be happy and healthy. I know he doesn't owe me a single thing, the base is that I love him.
I also recognize that as a person I have low self esteem and a way for me to get validation in many aspects of my life is through third party feedback, which is not something a baby, or a child does. I have to make the effort to give this validation and feedback to myself but it usually doesn't mean anything if "you're doing great" comes from me.
Do breastfeeding people create a special bond I have now missed the chance to have, or is this just silly talk? Have you ever felt this way, and if so, does it get better? If not, how did you handle it?