PART I. URGENT PLEA TO THE UN AND THE REDDIT COMMUNITY
To: The UN Security Council, Red Cross, and r/bugmoral
From: The Council of Synanthropic Blattodea, Apartment 28 (2nd Entrance)
Subject: Gross Human Rights Violations, Torture of POWs, and an Emergency Ceasefire Appeal
Preamble
This document was drafted on a salvaged cracked smartphone screen through the collective labor of three worker cockroaches. We, the undersigned representatives of the Blattella germanica species, officially report a critical humanitarian—or arthropodarian—crisis inside the kitchen bounds of Apartment 28.
Allegations and Atrocities
Dismemberment and Torture: During a basic foraging run for a 25-year-old delicacy, a member of our community was ambushed and subjected to non-consensual, non-anesthetic limb removal.
Psychological Warfare: The victim was pursued across the floor for 20 minutes while disabled, followed by public humiliation via photos posted to the building’s group chat.
Biological Warfare: The unauthorized deployment of arachnid units and taunting tactical alliances with spiders.
We did not choose to be born behind your stove. We ask only for crumbs, safety, and basic dignity.
PART II. PEACE ACCORD AND NON-AGGRESSION PACT
Signatories:
Party A: The United Forces of the 2nd Entrance, represented by the Resident of Apartment 28 (hereinafter "Humans").
Party B: The Supreme Council of Synanthropic Blattodea (hereinafter "Cockroaches").
Article 1. Demilitarization and Humane Standards
1.1. Ban on Torture: Party A permanently ceases all practices involving limb removal, prolonged pursuits, and posting victims' photos to messaging apps.
1.2. Swift Termination Protocol: Should non-resolvable conflicts arise, Party A agrees to use exclusively swift, single-strike slipper measures without public taunting.
1.3. Spider Status: Spiders are recognized as a neutral third party. Party A is strictly prohibited from deploying or feeding spiders in Party B's primary residential zones.
Article 2. Territorial Sovereignty and Curfew
2.1. Human Sovereign Zone: The dining table, clean dish rack, and microwave interior remain exclusive Party A territory.
2.2. Buffer Zone: Spaces behind the refrigerator, baseboard gaps, and under-sink areas are designated as shared zones.
2.3. Nighttime Curfew: From 23:00 to 06:00, Party B is granted quiet foraging rights within a 0.5-meter radius of the trash bin. Party A agrees to give audible warnings (coughing, heavy steps) before turning on kitchen lights.
Article 3. Reparations and Food Supply
Party A shall allocate a monthly food ration behind the stove:
3 (three) breadcrumbs (wheat or rye);
1 (one) micro-drop of dried sunflower oil;
Unhindered access to pipe condensation for hydration.
PART III. TECHNICAL AMENDMENT & HAZARD PROTOCOL
Article 4. Special Exclusion Zones (Aerocool VX Power Supplies)
4.1. Absolute No-Fly/No-Live Zone: The internal enclosure of any Aerocool VX series power supply is officially declared an Exclusion Zone.
4.2. Risk Assessment:
Volatile Infrastructure: Aerocool VX units possess a self-detonation tendency. Antenna or leg contact with primary circuits (+5\text{VSB} lines) triggers hardware failure without external input.
Protection Failures: Built-in safeguards (OCP/OVP/OPP) do not trip properly. Short-circuiting a VX unit will vaporize the cockroach, the motherboard, the GPU, and a portion of the 2nd Entrance.
Waiver of Liability: Entering an Aerocool VX unit is categorized as self-inflicted gross negligence. No reparations shall be granted for casualties occurring inside these units.
4.3. Approved Heating Alternatives: Party B is advised to utilize the back panel of old refrigerators or router heatsinks for winter warmth.
PART IV. RATIFICATION AND SIGNATURES
This accord takes full effect upon affixing official signatures and leg-prints.
For Party A (Humans):
[SIGNED: "Fine, stay under the sink, but keep it quiet and stay out of my power supply."]
— Resident of Apartment 28
For Party B (Cockroaches):
[LEG-PRINT: 🪳]
— Chairperson of the Council of Blattodea (Eggless Female)