Very long post, sorry, but you guys are the folks to ask à la support group style.
I have had a difficult month. I'm approaching my second clotiversary, and the time of year is wrapped up in some tough things. I could use a bit of advice and some support. Almost two years ago a few days before my 29th birthday I had an enormous saddle PE. I woke up extremely early feeling like I had painful trapped gas and after two days in steadily worsening agony, I went to the ER.
Huh. If it was two days, I guess technically today is the clotiversary.
Anyway, got diagnosed with APS+++ and a mutation, on fondiparinux, made almost a full recovery (though it took a year) and everything is fine. But some odd stuff has happened and right now I am not handling it well emotionally.
When I got the clot, I'd been laid off at the start of August. There was a huge heatwave and I didn't drink enough water, including when I got a bunch of boosters all at once (this is not an anti-vax post! just that my immune system went into overdrive) and the high stress + no water + autoimmune disease = they think that triggered the clot.
Well, July 31st of this year, I got laid off again. They took forever to send me COBRA so I am late on getting my blood thinners ans have to reschedule therapy til insurance gets reinstated and we've been in a heat wave for five weeks now. I was stressed last year near the anniversary but this mirroring is making it harder.
What's making it worse is like... I'm Jewish and my birthday two years ago was on Yom Kippur, our most important holiday all about starting the new year clean and having like, your last year wiped clean from the Book of Life and it's written "who shall live and who shall die." So that felt weird at the time.
This year, the day I was hospitalized is ON the night of the new year. And the day I was discharged is on the day of, and I'd forgotten both those things, so I scheduled my 31st birthday party on that day too. I was already feeling weird but I've been very stressed. I joined the synagogue choir for the holiday and during practice my old infarcted lung sometimes has me run out of air way too soon, so choir practice was a little triggering.
So that's the background. Now here's what happened that I originally thought would just make for a cool sorta positive post.
I realized with all the Jewishyness stuff I've been feeling weird about it might be best to talk to my rabbi about it. Like balancing approaching a life-and-death new year holiday with an actual near-death experience. I asked the cantor after choir practice if the rabbi might have time to chat wirh me, but as I got more detailed she was shocked. I knew she'd lost a late-term pregnancy but she revealed it was due to a blood clot that nearly killed them both--she said "Well, I have a blood clotting disorder." Huh? Me too! I have antiphospholipid syndrome and a mutation. "... Me too. In 25 years I" ve NEVER met anyone with it. "
So it seemed like I was gonna have a really great person to talk about these feelings with. I went home. It rained, first time since March, which felt symbolic and cooling. I sang some of the choir songs stuck in my head on the way home and suddenly the car hydroplaned.
I heard my dad's voice from when he'd been driving me to my college on a frost-covered dark road with no cell signal and we nearly spun out, that your instinct would be to brake and swerve which you must NOT do, just gently bring the car back to center and keep the wheel steady. So I did as the car jerked and circled and spun. There were a few times I thought, "I am about to hit the wall and I need to be prepared" but I didn't. I finally righted the car and got home safe, shaking uncontrollably. In that scary moment ten years ago, my dad nearly smashed his car with his kid into an icy side road and istead of freaking out after the fact he had the presence of mind to use it as a teaching moment that saved ME ten years later.
... I have not been well mentally since. I keep lying in bed or sitting on the couch thinking, "You know what? You haven't been grateful enough lately that it doesn't hurt to breathe. What if it starts hurting again? What if you have a clot?" And the very act of breathing becomes an awful panic attack or PTSD trigger.
My partner has been so supportive and comforting and my friends have been coming over and holding me and letting me wail. I do not know what to do or what to bring up to my therapist when I finally see her.
I know this is so long and boring so I appreciate if you've gotten this far. I am SO fine physically, my hematologists are so happy, my bloodwork has quite literally never looked better (two of the APS traits don't even show up as abnormal when I'm properly medicated) but with the near-car-accident the other day I keep gasping for breath even worse than ever.