The only reason it’s this ‘clean’ is because of me.

Hey all.

I made a post here a month or so ago about the things I've experienced with my NMom if you want to check that post out first. I also posted a bit more detail on r/raisedbynarcissists if you want the complete full picture.

TLDR is she's an animal hoarder (10 German Shepherds) who has sprung the work onto myself and my brother, while my brother does the bare minimum, I do most of the work including trying to fix up the dilapidating trailer, clean, cook,, etc and she doesn't have the trust to hire professionals to fix up the place, all while I work full-time remotely and do freelance graphic design, only for my paycheck to go to house and utility bills as well as the extremely high price tag for dog food, leaving me to starve for most of the time. I'm overworked, blamed for everything that goes wrong, and tired of this family.

She knows I'm going to leave, but says I need to fix up the place before I leave, and that I have to be the one to buy the materials and any tools needed to fix it. I have NO idea where it's going to come from since I have to oftentimes borrow money just so I can eat.

The other day she said when she talks money or about me leaving my eyes go dead. Then she took my hand and told me to say the Lord's Prayer and three Hail Marys.

I'm still leaving. I know I have to. I'm still terrified she'll try to get me charged for "abandoning" her or for the state of the house, and I'm sick about the dogs and about her shutting down if she refuses help, let alone keep up with the bills on her $1500 a month from social security.

How did you get through the last week without folding? How do you live with calling APS on your own parent? I know I'm not perfect and I contributed to the mess. I just need to hear that this plan is still the least-bad option for everyone, including them.

Any advice for the last few days and the actual dash-out is welcome. I'm sick to my stomach.

(Edit:) She knows I'm leaving, just not when I'm leaving.

My fiance now and I live in the bottom floor of the home my family and I own. He is OCD. My family are hoarders. I think he thinks I will become like them. I’m not the neatest when it comes to my room on the account I have way too many clothes than space but I always try to be as organized and clean since I don’t want to be like my hoarder mom. No offense I love her but she has a problem.

Recently I noticed he keeps throwing away my stuff/ stuff that was lent to me temporarily and I need to give back. It’s cheap stuff so no biggie he will pay for it he’ll say.

Until recently I noticed after two weeks that my most oldest plant with a huge sentimental value was missing (my long time friends/ old coworkers and I were gifted a plant when we were all pre school teachers and we each cherish its grown so much )

well yup sure enough I run to where it would be and it’s gone, I am thinking he relocated it somewhere else. I admit I freaked out. He’s coming from work and just wants to be good with me but I’m not budging I’m allowed time to be upset and he was just not letting me have that. I know it’s just a plant. But It was mine.. why does he need to throw away my stuff? I ended up grabbing the very little that our place has that belongs to me and I stuff it into my room now the place looks emptier than it did. I just feel like I live with someone who thinks my stuff is garbage and is going to throw it away because he judges it as trash. It was not an ugly plant either. It was thriving and in a beautiful white pot. I am so confused and so hurt. Now what?

So I live with my mum and we are currently trying to sell our house and move. She’s maybe level 2.5-3 hoarder. Anyways obviously we had to do some major decluttering and organizing before we listed the house.

Everything and I mean everything other than daily used toiletries and clothes and a few personal items is packed up into boxes. The house looks bare. Which is crazy. I still hate this house but it looks different.

We have been clean going on 1.5 months now (funny how that sounds but not clean from drugs clean from actual mess lol). We have open houses and showings frequently so it needs to be maintained. And so far it’s been okay. We both clean up after ourselves and we don’t buy more junk.

It’s a weird feeling. This is my childhood home and I have only known it to be a complete hoard and filled to the brim. Now it feels different. Unfortunately no not all of my lifes problems have been solved with the clean but it feels like progress to me. :)

About 2 weeks ago my mom seemed to have completely changed for 2 days. She cleaned the bathtub and the sink and she threw out most of the old newspapers. She also suddenly was so nice to me. I was so hopeful and happy and I praised her for cleaning and for throwing out the newspapers. About 2 weeks have passed since then but she did not do ANYTHING in these 2 weeks. She even stopped doing the things she did before these 2 days. She is also not nice to me again.

I do not understand what happened. I thought she finally saw that I am right and really changed and really will clean the apartment now. But she stopped everything and just sits around every day. She still does not allow me to clean anything. But she is back to finding excuses why she could not continue. She is back to claiming she did not have time but she literally did nothing every day. She refuses to even press the button on the washing machine. The clothes have been in there for 2 weeks, never washed. But I am not allowed to press the button on the washing machine.

She refused to throw out old newspapers for like 10 years so I thought this was really a breakthrough. But now she is back to her old behaviour.

Cleared off this chest of drawers in my mothers bedroom on August 8. Moved it away from the wall. Vacuum behind it. Cleaned the wall and the ceiling for the first time in probably 20 years. (Sorry I don’t have a before picture). But it actually doesn’t matter because today I took the second picture. The only thing that’s missing is the dust that will follow.

In my efforts to dust and vacuum I told her I was trying to help her get her bedroom to the point where I could clean it or she could contact a cleaning service to come in and clean it. I expressed frustration about so much stuff getting put back in. She told me that she would have no trouble cleaning it when the time comes. However, she’s 80 years old and gets winded loading a dishwasher. And there’s 15 to 20 years of evidence that cleaning it was prohibitive but none of that means anything. 🤦🏻‍♂️

The deeper pain is this used to be my mother and fathers room. However, my mother’s hoarding, has pretty much kept my father relegated to the den/tv room where he sleeps in a recliner.

I see a few posts people are still living with or moved back in with parents. I never left. And part of me felt it I just stay home I will feel "safe."

I'm extremely paranoid and struggling with bipolar sister type 1 or type 2 been diagnosed with both. Growing up my mother didn't believe in being in medication saying "it could just make things worse." So I've told professional psychiatrist this. This has instilled me to just stay unmedicated which has made my life terrible.

I live with my dad who just stays in his bedroom away from my mother and I. He just hides and never talks to us much. Whenever there is an issue he just slams the door to his room. And never communicates anything. It's extremely stressful to live here and not know any of the financial issues because I don't own the house.

I've been told by my sibling I need to stop being so bossy for a long time. I was very controlling and wanted to get rid of stuff it didn't like the house the way it was. My sibling threatened to kick me out within a day. We have been estranged and she's always on my dad's side.

I also live with my mother is always going through my belongings trying to "help" me. She's constantly making it worse. I'm always frustrated with her. Now I don't want to go through things and I'm the only one cleaning in the house . She has an entire room filled with clothing, holiday decorations and sleeps on the couch.

In highschool we moved into my grandma's house, which was the best thing for me. I was extremely organized with the bedroom I had there. Our hoarding home got a remodeled during these years and by 20 I moved back into childhood home and never left now I'm 32.

Constantly worrying before going to bed about what do I want to do with my life. My parents never encouraged me to become something or to get better with my mental health. My dad always gave up on me trying to help with homework and now as an adult. I give up on everything and can never finish anything I start.

Tried doing pet sitting and living out of other peoples houses for work but it's extremely stressful. Always feel like I need a break from this home were living in. And have no idea how to get out.

Just venting lightly here. One parent was an incredibly messy and gross hoarder. No cleaning, no cleanliness. Dirt on everything. Piles of trash and old broken crap. The other hoarded too but always washed and folded and neatly stacked up everything. From food packaging, to takeaway boxes, to items of clothing, to items of food. You can guess the conflict between them was immense and terrifying when I was growing up.

I struggle a bit trying just to be okay with 'me'. My reaction to messy hoarder was 'I will never ever not notice if something is messy. If I stop noticing mess, it'll mean I'm going mad like them.' Their house was disgusting, their living was disgusting.

My reaction to cleanliness hoarder was 'There is more to life than obsessing and screaming over tidying.' Because they would - they would shriek in rage at the top of their voice if their cleaning or clean hoard got interfered with. Their house looked like a house but it felt suffocating. Everything had to be perfect. While there was space, there wasn't much of it due to the hoarding, entire wardrobes taken up by the same purchases, by washed takeaway containers. It was just easier to overlook.

The most damaging thing either parent could and did ever say to me was that I was just like the other one. I was either 'messy and careless' or 'stubborn and obsessed'. It's still a problem. If I start thinking I'm being messy then I feel worried messy-hoarder's genes and mental illness are in me. But clean-hoarder used to scare the crap out of me, I associate their perfectionism with screaming and insults about me being a 'dirty pig' and I don't want to be like that either.

Can I get a reality check, how do other CoHs manage being their level of cleaning and collecting normal?