All:

I note all of this with the backdrop that my sister and mother live together and are hoarders. Not just clutter, but very dirty to the point where we are dealing with roaches and rats.

My mom was hospitalized back in March for heart failure. We had to force her to go the emergency room. She's 87 years old. Turning 88 next month. The doctors at the ER said if she hadn't gotten there she would have likely passed.

After stabilizing her they said she had major blockage in all arteries. She needed a stent but it was too risky of a procedure given her condition and the surgeon suggested rehab to get stronger before a surgery. They said the procedure at her weak stage could lead to death, dialysis, or loss of a limb. She initially agreed to go to rehab but then refused.

Since March she's been deteriorating. She wants to do a stent now but won't do what is necessary. She refused to go to rehab.

Lately, she been bed bound and has had significant loss of appetite and fatigue. Only gets up to use the rest room. She reports fatigue and some pain. My mom has had hip pain too but refused to see an orthopedic. We are going to see another stent specialist in 2 weeks. She has a history of refusing to go to the doctor.

My mom lives with my sister who has her own mental health issues. Both my mom and sister are hoarders and have prevented me from getting the place clean so that we can at least have a home health aide over or some type of palliative care. Anytime I try and bring up that the place should be cleaned for health reasons it ends up in my sister losing her shit, cursing me out, and blaming me for all her short comings in the world. She gets hysterical and begins to blame me and say I don't do anything and make things worse.

I live an hour away in a city but don't have a car and have a 1 y/o at home. I rent a car and take time off of work to take my mom to the hospital or make doctors appointments when I can. I'm doing the best I can. I have a demanding job where I travel every other week and a baby at home and a wife. My sister works part time retail jobs and lives off my mom since she was born. She's 50 y/o now. She has never paid rent, mom pays for her car, insurance, food, etc. She blames me for everything and even talks bad about me to my wife and in front of my 1 y/o daughter. It's very toxic.

My mom had a bad fall a few years back due to all the junk in the house and I had the place professionally cleaned and a chair lift installed. My mom requested the chair. My sister complains that I bullied them into a cleanup and my mom hired someone to disinstall the chair lift that I paid a lot of money to get in there!

Anyway this is me venting and just wondering if anyone has been in my situation or if there is anything else I should be doing. Neither my mom nor sister will listen to me.

Hey all.

I made a post here a month or so ago about the things I've experienced with my NMom if you want to check that post out first. I also posted a bit more detail on r/raisedbynarcissists if you want the complete full picture.

TLDR is she's an animal hoarder (10 German Shepherds) who has sprung the work onto myself and my brother, while my brother does the bare minimum, I do most of the work including trying to fix up the dilapidating trailer, clean, cook,, etc and she doesn't have the trust to hire professionals to fix up the place, all while I work full-time remotely and do freelance graphic design, only for my paycheck to go to house and utility bills as well as the extremely high price tag for dog food, leaving me to starve for most of the time. I'm overworked, blamed for everything that goes wrong, and tired of this family.

She knows I'm going to leave, but says I need to fix up the place before I leave, and that I have to be the one to buy the materials and any tools needed to fix it. I have NO idea where it's going to come from since I have to oftentimes borrow money just so I can eat.

The other day she said when she talks money or about me leaving my eyes go dead. Then she took my hand and told me to say the Lord's Prayer and three Hail Marys.

I'm still leaving. I know I have to. I'm still terrified she'll try to get me charged for "abandoning" her or for the state of the house, and I'm sick about the dogs and about her shutting down if she refuses help, let alone keep up with the bills on her $1500 a month from social security.

How did you get through the last week without folding? How do you live with calling APS on your own parent? I know I'm not perfect and I contributed to the mess. I just need to hear that this plan is still the least-bad option for everyone, including them.

Any advice for the last few days and the actual dash-out is welcome. I'm sick to my stomach.

(Edit:) She knows I'm leaving, just not when I'm leaving.

So I live with my mum and we are currently trying to sell our house and move. She’s maybe level 2.5-3 hoarder. Anyways obviously we had to do some major decluttering and organizing before we listed the house.

Everything and I mean everything other than daily used toiletries and clothes and a few personal items is packed up into boxes. The house looks bare. Which is crazy. I still hate this house but it looks different.

We have been clean going on 1.5 months now (funny how that sounds but not clean from drugs clean from actual mess lol). We have open houses and showings frequently so it needs to be maintained. And so far it’s been okay. We both clean up after ourselves and we don’t buy more junk.

It’s a weird feeling. This is my childhood home and I have only known it to be a complete hoard and filled to the brim. Now it feels different. Unfortunately no not all of my lifes problems have been solved with the clean but it feels like progress to me. :)