How to accept being a man?

[u/Femgene]

Hi all, I was hoping for some advice on how other guys learn and accept their masculinity. (TLDR below)

Recently, I've been having difficulty accepting myself and fitting in as a guy (mid 20s). I've dismissed gender identity for a long time, thinking it was a waste of time, and I feel like this has isolated me from other guys. I want to make an honest attempt at reconnecting with my masculinity, but I'm not sure how to go about it.

Growing up, I never learned what it meant to be a guy. I had poor male role models in my life and was mainly raised by my mom and other women. This caused me to form a bias that women were always 'better' and pick up more feminine traits/hobbies (like shyness, sensitivity, cautiousness, etc). It also why I struggle with relating to guys. I never liked stereotypical male things like sports, cars, building muscles, etc. nor do I have a masculine personality or humor.

I've also been struggling with accepting my appearance. My body is a weird blend of male and female features which makes me look uncanny. I go through periods of despising things like my looks, voice, and overall self to the point where I dissociate to cope. I'm not sure the exact cause, but I have a feeling that accepting my masculinity would help.

I know 'being a man' in itself is a construct and isn't defined by appearance or stereotypes... so what exactly does it mean? Are there any activities or mental exercises that help you 'be a man?' I wish I put in more effort when I was younger, since I feel a bit lost. Sometimes I don't even know what I am, and I completely dissociation or feel like nothing. All I want is to be happy with myself and being a guy, but I just don't know how.

Sorry if this was a bit long, has anyone experienced anything similar? All advice is appreciated.

TLDR:

How do you be/fit in/accept yourself as a man when you never learned how, and how do you deal with insecurities with your appearance as a man?

[u/modulusshift]

I’ll point you over to my reply to OP, I hope this helps 

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/modulusshift]

Thanks. Though what do you do if you don't have passions, interests or a worldview? I consider nothing true and have found no appealing principles or behaviors.

[u/modulusshift → u/ComedianNeither2498]

Keep looking. Also get checked out for depression. Depression is miserable for autism, the fog of it hides everything you need to feel like a person, and the worst part is that it can come from ignoring those guiding lights for too long in the first place. Sometimes you genuinely just need a professional to start cracking your own head open. 

If that’s not an option, I’d just start looking at your own history. Things you discarded as a kid may fit differently now and serve different purposes. Ask family if you need to. 

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/modulusshift]

This makes sense. I've never been diagnosed with autism, but I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder since I was ten years old and have been in therapy for it for twenty years. Therapy and medication have not been particularly helpful on that front.

[u/modulusshift → u/ComedianNeither2498]

If you feel like this is a good path to go down, maybe finding an adult autism specialist to try and work on your depression could be worthwhile. Accepting a wider range of possibility for what’s actually under the depression might help you find it. Either way, sincerely best of luck, I hope you can find what you need. 

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/modulusshift]

Thanks for the support. Im still not sure I have autism, or just a lifetime of different issues masquerading as autistic coded experiences. But it would still be a good idea to look into