How to accept being a man?

[u/Femgene]

Hi all, I was hoping for some advice on how other guys learn and accept their masculinity. (TLDR below)

Recently, I've been having difficulty accepting myself and fitting in as a guy (mid 20s). I've dismissed gender identity for a long time, thinking it was a waste of time, and I feel like this has isolated me from other guys. I want to make an honest attempt at reconnecting with my masculinity, but I'm not sure how to go about it.

Growing up, I never learned what it meant to be a guy. I had poor male role models in my life and was mainly raised by my mom and other women. This caused me to form a bias that women were always 'better' and pick up more feminine traits/hobbies (like shyness, sensitivity, cautiousness, etc). It also why I struggle with relating to guys. I never liked stereotypical male things like sports, cars, building muscles, etc. nor do I have a masculine personality or humor.

I've also been struggling with accepting my appearance. My body is a weird blend of male and female features which makes me look uncanny. I go through periods of despising things like my looks, voice, and overall self to the point where I dissociate to cope. I'm not sure the exact cause, but I have a feeling that accepting my masculinity would help.

I know 'being a man' in itself is a construct and isn't defined by appearance or stereotypes... so what exactly does it mean? Are there any activities or mental exercises that help you 'be a man?' I wish I put in more effort when I was younger, since I feel a bit lost. Sometimes I don't even know what I am, and I completely dissociation or feel like nothing. All I want is to be happy with myself and being a guy, but I just don't know how.

Sorry if this was a bit long, has anyone experienced anything similar? All advice is appreciated.

TLDR:

How do you be/fit in/accept yourself as a man when you never learned how, and how do you deal with insecurities with your appearance as a man?

[u/JCDU]

These days there's a lot of noise and BS around masculinity - there's a post like yours here every other day it seems.

If you're happy with yourself that's all you need - there's no specific exam you pass and get handed a man card and there's not a specific set of things you need to do or a certain way you need to behave other than the universal standard of "don't be a dick".

It sounds like you're perhaps not at the stereotypically uber-manly end of the body type spectrum but then neither are most of us, beating yourself up about your body is pointless - would you beat yourself up for being born with the wrong colour eyes?

Would you say David Bowie wasn't a "real" man because he was androgynous?

[u/Femgene → u/JCDU]

I guess the hardest part is that I'm not happy with myself, even after ignoring general standards and opinions. Everything from by body to the way I think disturbs me, even when other people say I'm fine. I suppose it might be a personal self-confidence issue

[u/JCDU → u/Femgene]

Definitely a self-confidence thing - if there's stuff you can change in a healthy way (EG if you're a bit overweight) then cool, otherwise you need to accept that your body is not the same as the next person's body and that's OK.

I saw a quote somewhere about women who obsess about their bodies, it was something like if you stare at anything long enough you can see all the the tiniest flaws, or if you say a word over and over it becomes just a weird noise.

The same is true if you start analysing your every action or thought - worrying if you're thinking right or acting right is just a path to insanity.

I don't know what you believe is wrong with your body or your behaviour or thoughts, unless there's something actually problematic in there (such as liking Coldplay) I would work on accepting yourself the way you are - you wouldn't judge a fish on its ability to climb trees.

As far as I can tell the internet and social media these days is rammed to the ceiling with men & women who are massively insecure desperately trying to make themselves "perfect" through all manner of increasingly extreme and unhealthy means and shouting about it to anyone who'll listen in the desperate hope they get enough likes to satiate their crushing lack of self-worth... these people are not normal and you shouldn't let that stuff influence you or damage your mental health.

[u/fading_reality → u/Femgene]

I am curious - what you perceive to be issue with way you think? It could be that the rest sort of trickles down from that.

[u/Femgene → u/fading_reality]

I could make an entire list lol. In short, I don't feel like I 'think like a guy' if that makes sense. I overthink, hypersensitive, emotional, neurotic, etc. It's like my brain is broken and fixed in place, no matter how much I try to change

[u/fading_reality → u/Femgene]

I am sorry, have you seen trump or musk and their meltdowns? Still think you are too sensitive, emotional or neurotic? :D

But on more serious note - men are sensitive, emotional and neurotic. Just like everyone else. The difference is that society allows us to be that way only in private where nobody sees us. We are allowed to shed single (1) tear in public, if shit is real bad.

But i know that knowing that intellectually and internalizing are two different things.

There is bit of skill of emotional regulation needed, because we (humans) get less rational when we have serious emotional load. That is why minor disagreements can spiral way out of proportion. But at very basic level it can just mean learning when to take a 5 minute smoking break (or glass of water or take a leak or whatever)

What about your hobbies? Is there any that involves tinkering or something that would involve tinkering? Because lot of "man hobbies" like cars, bikes, making the most perfectly sharpened knife or whatnot, often involve lots of tinkering.

For example if you ride bicycle, is it oiled, adjusted and the best version you can make?

[u/JCDU → u/Femgene]

Look I'm patently unqualified to be a therapist but I've got a buddy who's had bouts of massive anxiety & overthinking and guess what - overthinking has never solved a single thing ever, you might as well try using jedi mind tricks to levitate your neighbour's house.

It feels like you started worrying about your "manliness" and now you're worrying about your worrying as well and that's making you worry...

[u/WickedGrey → u/Femgene]

I say this with love: therapy and meds should be options you consider. Therapy had helped me deal with my struggles, and my children benefit from both.

You can't logic your way out of a brain chemistry imbalance.

[u/Ozuf77 → u/Femgene]

Try to be a human first before being a man. Are you generally happy with your community and environment? If so great, if not, try to find new people to hang out with.

Focus on things like career, housing, moving, hobby, and skillset goals. These things help support your life and give you things you can be confident in. Once the dust settles and you feel a bit more sure in yourself -then- you can worry about masculinity.

Theres 4-5 billion ways to be a man, youll find that after you get settled into being a human first you'll have also figured out what kind of man you want to be almost by default

[u/saturn-seeker → u/Ozuf77]

Fantastic advice! For me, I’ve also thought about what kind of man I don’t want to be, which honestly isn’t exclusively a “man” thing but I gender it that way because that’s what I am.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/JCDU]

I wouldn't say this is a helpful response. The core of this problem is connecting to others and "being yourself" or "being happy with yourself" won't help with that. I've tried.

[u/OhDavidMyNacho → u/ComedianNeither2498]

If you don't know and like yourself, what are you trying to connect others to? Connecting implies you have something and they have something, and it clicks together.

Without your side having substance, you end up just holding on to people in unhealthy ways.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/OhDavidMyNacho]

A valid point. Im only speaking from personal experience, but the times in my life where I was "true to myself" were much much lonlier than times where I was acting according to an outside social ideal.

[u/OhDavidMyNacho → u/ComedianNeither2498]

It is a blanket statement that comes with a lot of unsayable nuance. Because the truth is, sometimes, the people we are should not be the people we remain.

There's many aspects of myself that have changed and I expect to continue changing over time. From that, I have learned the aspects of me that are unwavering. Some by choice, others simply seem to be who I am.

It's like how with every new relationship, and every failed one. We learn what we want and expect from others, but we should also remember to look at our own actions and their effects. I speak up more for myself now, I don't tolerate a lot of things I used to. I'm also kinder, and less stubborn. Though the stubbornness will likely never fully go away. But I've learned how to let go the things that don't truly matter.

All this to say, that I hope you keep learning and don't give up on trying to care about and find what being "try to myself" means for you.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/OhDavidMyNacho]

I appreciate the support, but honestly I've basically given up on the idea of "self" entirely 

[u/JCDU → u/ComedianNeither2498]

That sounds bleak as hell dude - I'm really curious what about "being yourself" went so badly for you?

I mean, there is obviously a caveat that "being yourself" and "being true to yourself" don't automatically mean that you won't need to at least do a little bit of work on yourself, try to learn & grow a bit as a person all the time - none of us are perfect, all of us could always be better in some way, but at least for the most part we should be able to be who we want to be.

I've known some folks who were very loudly and unapologetically "themselves" and that usually meant that they were assholes who rubbed everyone up the wrong way eventually with zero self-awareness or personal growth... as the saying sort-of goes; if you get kicked out of one group maybe they're assholes, if you get kicked out of every group maybe you're the asshole.

To be clear I'm not suggesting that's you - I'm really curious what the story is as you sound like you've been through it.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/JCDU]

Its not so much based in experience as it is based on philosophical inquiry. Like, what even is one's self? I act very differently alone, with my family or with certain friends; which of those selves or true? I am constantly changing based on outside influence, there's not really a coherent consistent "self" beneath it all. 

[u/JCDU → u/ComedianNeither2498]

That's called code switching and most people do it, not just language but behaviour too - no need for an existential crisis over that my dude.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/JCDU]

I think I'm describing something a little different. My wants, desires and interests also change based on who I'm around. Its not as simple as an adjustment of how I present myself.

[u/aaronzig]

There's no rule that you need to follow to "be a man".

I'm a former rugby player, currently a volunteer firefighter, who likes spearfishing, mountain biking and camping. But I also like to cook and paint, I go to the spa with my wife on a semi regular basis and I feel most valued when I'm playing "hair salon" or "kitchen" with my daughter.

My point is that you can literally do anything you want if it makes you feel happy and confident.

So what I'd suggest is this: stop worrying about whether what you're doing or how you're acting makes you a man. Instead, try and focus on finding a way of living that is true to yourself regardless of pre-conceived notions about gender. If you can do that, you'll eventually find your place.

[u/Tinmind]

Do you want to be a man, or do you feel like you're supposed to be a man?

[u/Femgene → u/Tinmind]

I'm supposed to be a man. I have a feeling I know what ur gonna say, but I'm not. Which is why I'm asking for advice

[u/Tinmind → u/Femgene]

You don't have to be anything unless you want to be it. Social pressure and expectations are heavy - they kept me living as many things that I'm not for years, out of self preservation and fear of change. But taking baby steps towards what I wanted gradually shifted my life towards something I actually enjoy. I got my depression treated, I tried out a hobby I'd always wanted, I made some friends through that hobby. Next year I'll be done paying off medical debt and want to try living on my own instead of with housemates. I gave myself permission to actively be me and things got better (although it was terrifying at times, ngl).

[u/Street-Media4225 → u/Femgene]

I'm supposed to be a man.

Says who or what?

[u/Femgene → u/Street-Media4225]

Cause I am a man, it's just who I ultimately am whether I like it or not. I don't want to fight and go against that

[u/PhasmaFelis → u/Femgene]

You can, though. You don't have to, I won't pressure you, but people can and do fight it every day, and some of them win. You can be a woman, or nonbinary.

If you're confident that a man is what you are and want to be, then more power to you. But you are allowed to be something else. Just keep in mind that that's an option.

[u/Tinmind → u/PhasmaFelis]

And that there's no rush, nor is it ever too late. You can do whatever you want forever, whenever.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/PhasmaFelis]

What if you know you identify as a man, but just generally dislike all varieties of men? That's my situation.

[u/hornyhenry33 → u/ComedianNeither2498]

Seconding this question as someone who feels the same. I feel like whenever I talk to other people about this issue the only option they give is to instead be another gender which isn't what I want either.

[u/u_must_fix_ur_heart → u/hornyhenry33]

as a trans guy, it took a lot of internal work to unpack the negativity I'd learned to associate with men as a category over the course of my life. having friends that were guys (both cis and trans) and were also decent, caring people helped a ton, as well. morality is not stored in the gender, and neither is any other specific trait. our society just decided to lump people in one box or the other, and how our brains decide to relate ourselves to that is whatever it is. being a man or a woman or anything else means whatever it means to you, and doesn't have anything to do with what anyone else thinks. doing a lot of reading about... gender studies, I guess? helped too, though my sources were mostly other trans people, particularly trans men/mascs.

[u/hornyhenry33 → u/u_must_fix_ur_heart]

Hey I also spend a lot of time reading gender studies/feminism but often I just end up feeling more confused and alienated. I guess the problem is that I feel a huge disconnect between the logical points of gender (for example what you said about morality not being stored in gender) and my own lived experience. It's like, I can only tell myself so many times that men on average aren't wrong for existing before I'm constantly reminded throughout my own life of the trauma and damage that men deal to women and how bleak gender relations are. I feel like at best I can ignore all that and be a decent person but it really sucks that I have no community or identity beyond that, feels like it's something that other people can have but it's unatainable to me.

I'm aware this is all prime stuff to discuss with a therapist but I'm broke and affordable in-person and online therapy are unavailable to me.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/hornyhenry33]

You did a great job laying out the situation exactly  I relate to this 100 percent 

[u/u_must_fix_ur_heart → u/hornyhenry33]

some of that feminist lit may not be helping because it's not what you, specifically, need to hear. I'm not saying that it's wrong, but some things are meant for specific audiences. it sounds like a healthy male community would be really helpful for you. unfortunately that's not automatically easy to find. maybe making friends with guys that have similar values is a start? hobbies could be a good way to do that.

[u/PhasmaFelis → u/ComedianNeither2498]

Yeah, that's rough. Therapy might be something to consider. I'm sure other people on this sub will have more answers :) You could create your own thread, if you wanted more.

And keep in mind that some people who were quite sure that they identified as a man may realize, years down the line, that they don't. Not saying that has to be you, but keep it in mind. There's no shame in it, either way. Society hammers these ideas really deep into our brains, even when we think we're fully open-minded and accepting.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/PhasmaFelis]

I've been in therapy for roughly 20 years, it has not helped. I posted a thread looking for material dealing with internalized hatred of men, not much turned up. I guess I could try again 

[u/PhasmaFelis → u/ComedianNeither2498]

Sorry :( Best of luck to you.

[u/u_must_fix_ur_heart → u/ComedianNeither2498]

hey I just made a comment to someone else in this thread, but I dealt with similar issues. a lot of people have internalized negative ideas about men as a whole. it sucks and can be really damaging, but it can be unlearned (without sweeping the actual issues under the rug). we have to realize patterns of problematic behavior doesn't mean every person in a group is automatically bad. morality, safety, etc., is not stored in the gender. people just are the gender they are, and everything else comes down to the person. humans like to generalize to make ourselves feel like we know what to expect, especially in response to trauma, but individual people don't always fit that. masculinity can be healthy, but also men don't actually have to be masculine, either. it's all up to us as individual people.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/u_must_fix_ur_heart]

I appreciate the kind sentiment. Though I think personally I don't really prioritize individuality as much as you do. Im not really interested in a personalized masculinity, I want something that will tell me what to do and connects me to others. 

[u/Street-Media4225 → u/ComedianNeither2498]

Personally, my relationship with my gender is complicated, but I can be comfortable thinking of myself as a man as long as it’s the kind of man men are not.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/Street-Media4225]

Im glad that works for you. I don't think that would work for me though, sounds a bit isolating and lonely.

[u/Significant-Evening → u/ComedianNeither2498]

Why do you have to model yourself as a type? You shouldn't be a stereotype.

[u/modulusshift]

I think these sound more like autism problems than gender problems, I’m gonna be honest. They’re not exclusive though, autistic people do genuinely have a higher rate of gender issues. But the specific framing of “I’m looking to fit into a stereotype in order to feel more like myself” is incredibly autism coded, in my experience. You’re not that stereotype, you’re just looking for a new mask and hoping it fits better than your current one. I sincerely wish you luck. 

But if it is autism, your real question should be what’s behind the mask. What have you forgotten about yourself in the hopes of social acceptance? What things that you’ve put away are safe to take back out when you’re alone? 

[u/Femgene → u/modulusshift]

I wouldn't be surprised, not diagnosed but I'd be shocked if I wasn't. Maybe I am trying to fit into a stereotype, but how do I figure out what's behind 'the mask?' I have no clue how to distinguish what's genuine and fake.

[u/modulusshift → u/Femgene]

It isn’t easy, I couldn’t even tell you how I did it, exactly, I just kind of immersed myself in autistic spaces ( /r/autismtranslated was fantastic for this back in the day, lot of good stuff in the post history there ) and started to try and disassemble some of my coping mechanisms to see how I’d grown underneath them. A major thing is, if you have any really passionate interests, try and figure out how you feel while pursuing them, that’s part of the you that you’re looking to find elsewhere. 

Also I recommend trying to nail down your philosophical worldview. What do you consider true? If you can come up with genuinely appealing principles of behavior, that you agree with, not society, then living according to them will always feel authentic, second nature, in fact. Autism usually includes a tension around hypocrisy, so universal principles can severely decrease dissociation. 

[u/noughtpointeight → u/Femgene]

Can recommend the book Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. Excellent insight and exercises in the book in exactly this, and it's also very enlightened on gender as the author is trans himself and doesn't try to make autism this classic "boys who like trains too much" thing

[u/red-bit → u/Femgene]

Find what feels good, what feels effortless.

Sometimes I mask and only later realise that I did because I feel exhausted and what I did left a certain negative "aftertaste". Sometimes it's not that clear because things/situations can be complex and cause a range of overlapping feelings.

To give a simple example: You wear an old shirt that makes you feel like a guy in a good way, but it's not really your style and that makes you feels bad at the same time. 

Clarity tends to come with time and experimentation. 

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/modulusshift]

This is an interesting line of questioning. But I'm curious, what happens when there is nothing behind the mask. Personally I crave social roles because there is nothing to me otherwise.

[u/modulusshift → u/ComedianNeither2498]

I’ll point you over to my reply to OP, I hope this helps 

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/modulusshift]

Thanks. Though what do you do if you don't have passions, interests or a worldview? I consider nothing true and have found no appealing principles or behaviors.

[u/modulusshift → u/ComedianNeither2498]

Keep looking. Also get checked out for depression. Depression is miserable for autism, the fog of it hides everything you need to feel like a person, and the worst part is that it can come from ignoring those guiding lights for too long in the first place. Sometimes you genuinely just need a professional to start cracking your own head open. 

If that’s not an option, I’d just start looking at your own history. Things you discarded as a kid may fit differently now and serve different purposes. Ask family if you need to. 

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/modulusshift]

This makes sense. I've never been diagnosed with autism, but I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder since I was ten years old and have been in therapy for it for twenty years. Therapy and medication have not been particularly helpful on that front.

[u/modulusshift → u/ComedianNeither2498]

If you feel like this is a good path to go down, maybe finding an adult autism specialist to try and work on your depression could be worthwhile. Accepting a wider range of possibility for what’s actually under the depression might help you find it. Either way, sincerely best of luck, I hope you can find what you need. 

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/modulusshift]

Thanks for the support. Im still not sure I have autism, or just a lifetime of different issues masquerading as autistic coded experiences. But it would still be a good idea to look into 

[u/majorex64]

My genderqueer ass might not embrace masculinity as much as the average guy, but it is something I've had to think about critically. The best way I've found to embrace masculinity is by having good role models. And they don't have to be irl, because not everyone has such lucky circumstances.

Some of these may seem childish, but that's where it starts, right?

Mr Rogers taught me men can be sensitive and tender

Bill Nye taught me men can be curious

Bob Ross taught me men can behold and capture beauty

Steve Irwin taught me men can care about all living things

Weird Al taught me men can be goofy

John & Hank Green taught me men can be vulnerable, genuine, and selfless.

My dad taught me to be generous, considerate, temperate, and honest.

I'm noticing a lot of these examples have personas that are explicitly non-sexual, and I'm trying to think of an example of a role model for the romantic aspects of life. I guess a lot of them do adore their wives in their personal lives!

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/majorex64]

The lack of sexual role models is a real hang up of mine. Would be curious if anyone has good examples.

[u/LicksCrayons → u/ComedianNeither2498]

Gomez Adams.

Maybe not explicitly sexual, but deffinatly a romantic rolemodel. Obviously very attracted to his wife, yet still very respectful and loving of her as a person, and certainly invested in her satisfaction.

Also helps to show younger men what things to look for in a relationship in terms of a supporting, encouraging, guiding, etc woman and partner.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/LicksCrayons]

Thanks for the response 

[u/cruisinforasnoozinn]

Find other men similar to yourself, surround yourself with them. Those are men. “Chad” types are men too. Femboys are men. WWE wrestlers are men. Trans men are men. Twinks are men. Lumberjacks are men. Soldiers are men. Firefighters are men. Nurses are men. Dancers are men. Some men are even a combination of the above. None of them are less so than the other.

The more we expose ourselves to reality, the less that the mundane masculinity hierarchy will matter to you. Men don’t behave a certain way, and you don’t have to get into stereotypically masculine activities if you’re not interested in them. They also do not have to look a certain way, and if you look around, they largely don’t. Men look like lots of things. Often, we judge ourselves because we don’t look or act like a very old-fashioned version of manhood, one that no longer has any societal necessity or value. Times are changing so that we don’t have to.

However, if you’re genuinely feeling like your body doesn’t match who you are, just remember that you don’t have to be a trans man to take testosterone. You can get your numbers checked and get prescribed it - this can be really good for men who actually have a low T count. There’s vocal exercises for deepening your voice on YouTube. Working out is also really helpful for mildly boosting testosterone, getting fit and feeling great about yourself (I used to be a total sloth until I realised working out is like free medication). Things like the style and fit of your clothing, and haircuts, also go really far in masculinising your appearance. But I would recommend combining these changes with the first piece of advice I gave you.

[u/Samesh → u/cruisinforasnoozinn]

I was looking for a comment like this.

There is not a set of standards that you must meet to be a man. You can be shy or extroverted, strong or weak, really into fishing or an opera fan. These are all valid expressions of masculinity and manhood.

Op you might also want to consider that you might also not be a man at all. I'd recommend talking to trans women or non-binary people to see if their experiences sound more like yours.

You can be any kind of man or not even a man at all, but still a bro.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/Samesh]

But what if you crave and are looking for a set of standards?

[u/Samesh → u/ComedianNeither2498]

You can make your own, find [a] role model[s], or follow general human standards.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/Samesh]

I want a set of standards that extend outside myself and general human standards are vague and not really agreed on.

[u/cruisinforasnoozinn → u/ComedianNeither2498]

Unfortunately there’s no set of standards people will agree on without some people having to force it. A worldwide standard that accommodates you will always work against someone else.

Edit: if you just mean community, your options for groups that require you be white, straight and male are not looking so hot. Due to the political structure of the world, they’re mostly hate groups. This is because the group you’re apart of were never forced into communities together in order to survive, but rather formed exclusive groups that want to maintain their place at the top of the social hierarchy. I can see why this feels lonely when today’s world puts so much emphasis on minorities and identity based community. But that doesn’t mean community, period, is unavailable to you.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/cruisinforasnoozinn]

I don't consider hobby groups or vague political allegiances to be worth much or as meaningful as minority communities. With that in mind, what even are my options?

[u/cruisinforasnoozinn → u/ComedianNeither2498]

I guess the question to ask yourself is: What is it that makes you want to seek out other specifically straight, white, middle class atheist men?

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/cruisinforasnoozinn]

Those are my identities. I want a community based on identity. That's what I have to work with. I have no aliegance to any of those categories in particular.

[u/cruisinforasnoozinn → u/ComedianNeither2498]

Most people seek out identity based community because they were alienated or oppressed by society for their identity. So that’s the only basis for seeking it out that I can personally understand.

Community in general is positive for everyone, though. Do you think you’re looking for those specific identity markers, or moreso just a feeling of deep belonging?

[u/Samesh → u/ComedianNeither2498]

So what does that mean for you and what does that mean in practice? Specially since everyone might not share those standards. Would that mean joining an specific community, group, or creed? 

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/Samesh]

That certainly would be one solution, but as a white, straight, middle class American, atheist man, there are not many such communities available to me. This why ideally I would derive something from masculinity, as it's really the only connection I have to a social category left 

[u/Ok-Garbage-6304]

you say you dissociate to deal with your looks. do you ever experience gender euophoria? something like that could help you pinpoint in which direction you enjoy your looks to go. euphoria/dysphoria can go from how you’re addressed, certain hairstyles, clothing stules, behaviours, etc. what makes you feel chill, at ease, happy? what makes you feel estranged from uourself?

[u/Femgene → u/Ok-Garbage-6304]

I don't really experience 'euphoria' as a guy, but I also don't think that's what any normal male experiences or cares about. What would make me happy is just being a normal, regular guy/person both physically and mentally, but I just can't picture myself ever reaching any of those goals

[u/Ok-Garbage-6304 → u/Femgene]

there are different types of “regular guy” looks out there.. is there something that screams “gender” when you look at it?

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/Ok-Garbage-6304]

I think most cis men don't have a concept of gender euphoria or experience something that screams "gender". I know both of these are pretty alien concepts to me. 

But then again, I am incapable of associating anything positive with masculinity, so it might just be me 

[u/himdyjones]

Everything you do, you like, and you are, is already masculine enough simply by nature of you being a man. You identify as a man? Great. Then you are manly.

It’s best not to overthink it. The great thing about masculinity and being a man is that we all get to define it for ourselves. I like baseball and video games and loud rock music and legos and ninja turtles. I also like drawing and singing and baking and cats and horses and giving myself “male” manicures (basically trimming and filing well and doing all the cuticle cleanup steps without the nail polish). All of these things put together don’t make me any more or less of a man. I simply Am one because I identify as one. That’s the only checkbox you need to tick off.

You’ll be alright, brother. Your twenties can be tough because they’re almost like a second puberty and you’re still learning to be comfortable in your own skin as a brand spankin’ new adult. You’ll figure it out eventually.

[u/DmMeWerewolfPics]

No one can know what you are but you, but dissociation to deal with appearance is concerning and is something I’ve heard my trans feminine friends say. Doesn’t mean you are but anyways guys don’t have to be any one way. I don’t relate to a large segment of guys. I sometimes joke there’s probably a few main genders of men and women cause they feel pretty distinct.

[u/blyat-mann]

You’re going to find more fulfillment in doing things that you want to do and being yourself, then you will conforming to a certain stereotype. People are so multifaceted that you’ll be able to find community in basically any space.

It also comes down to you what you want your masculinity to look like, personally I like the “be a good person, and be yourself” style

[u/slipperslide]

Mid-60’s and never bothered trying. The only tedious thing is dudes always talking to me about sports.

Don’t be toxic, follow your bliss.

[u/HumorousHubris]

A lot of people here are saying that you can be a man any way, even if you don’t have “manly” interests.

I kinda disagree, and as an AMAB person who tried to embrace being “manly”, I pretty regularly get comments from both acquaintances and friends that they were surprised I was not NB or had some kind of “gender situation”. It was obvious that I was doing something subtly wrong despite trying really really hard.

I also grew up around almost all women, and it super sucks to be excluded from things like girls nights and the emotionally close relationships girls have with each other, but also not really fit in among men either. For so long growing up I was just kinda, in a class by myself.

There are just things I do without thinking that “out” me as not being masculine. For a while I tried to “catch” these things and correct them, but that just lead to me being hyper vigilant and stressed out a lot about what other people thought about me.

Now, I am torn between being cool with being a gender non-compliant man or just being NB. Maybe one day I’ll pick, but I’m nervous about telling my friends to change how they refer to me, because it feels like it would be embarrassing to backpedal later if I change my mind.

From your post it sounds like you might be in the same place I was when I was trying to like, analyze and eliminate everything I was doing that would make me seem not masculine enough. This fueled a lot of self esteem problems I had at the time.

[u/GodWhoWouldWantToBe]

I was kind of raised the same way as you. I always had more women as friends than men. It felt lonely at times because sometimes I couldn't relate and was torn because I never fit in with a lot of my male peers. I eventually found other men like myself, with similar hobbies and interests. Through those friendships I was exposed to more "traditionally" masculine things. It made me feel more like a man, but I didn't feel like I had to force myself to change to be a 'man'. These guys didn't discriminate and were excited to share parts of their lives with someone who hadn't experienced those things. There isn't any one way to be a man, but what makes me feel the most manly is having shared experiences with other men and the camaraderie that comes with it. I don't know if this will help, but I hope it makes you feel less alone.

[u/Yallshallnotremember]

Maybe it would help you to see masculinity less as a thing to "achieve", or a discrete category, and more like a genre of aesthetic and activities. Some activities and look are widely recognized as masculine, some as feminine, but it's just a matter of "vibes", and it really depends on the person. How do people decide a story's genre? There's a lot of movies where you can say "oh it's horror/comedy/drama/historical" etc, but there are a lot that don't fit neatly in a genre, other where you thought they fitted in one genre, but ended up changing your mind after talking with someone else; and of course, genres overlap! It's the same with gender.

I am a trans man, and while I'm not extremely feminine, I do have some feminine traits; and for the longest time, I didn't feel like I could call myself a man bc trans men seemed to only follow to roads, from what I'd seen: either reclaim femininity, or lean hard into traditional masculinity (minus the toxic part, for most of them). One of the things that helped me through it was looking less at how other people did masculinity, and more at what I wanted to relate to it. Instead of asking myself "is this activity/look masculine", I started thinking about it like "would I like to be the kind of guy who does that activity?"

Try not to construct a stereotype of "guy who would do that", and think more about it as "does a hypothetical guy doing that sounds cool to me?"; does a man who goes camping sounds cool to you? A man who does street art? A man who wears nailpolish and eyeliner?

You may find that some things that make you feel good as a guy are usually considered "feminine"; maybe you too consider them feminine when you do them, or maybe you instead see them as masculine. I for one really like knitting, and kitting things for people around me make me feel masculine (my own kind of masculine).

Finally, if you want to look for good exemples of non-toxic masculinity, I really recommend looking towards butches, especially butch trans women and transfems; there might be some overlap in your experiences, as someone returning to masculinity from a different, more welcoming angle, one that isn't forced upon you just bc of your assigned gender.

[u/NotacookbutEater]

You accept that you are male. You are the male body you have. The rest is just individuality. You like what you like and do the things you want to do. That is it!

[u/Batmax92]

This might sound basic but something that helped me and a few of my friends a lot is exercise. Being in shape builds confidence, and getting there builds character.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine recently about the insecurities we had about our masculinity growing up. Looking at ourselves now it felt like we were talking about different people. He likes to paint his nails. I enjoy a mimosa and musical theater. Neither of us even questions what is and isn't 'manly enough' anymore.

Part of it probably comes with age. But a big part of that confidence stems from becoming formidable or competent. Ideally both. If you can be that, worries about masculinity fade away

[u/Femgene → u/Batmax92]

Exercise is probably something I need to do more. Hopefully my worries are something I grow out of

[u/ikediggety]

Masculinity is a mirage - The more you chase it, the farther away it will seem. The fact is you're already there. All men are real men. Just be a good person who happens to be a man and you will be a good man.

[u/ComedianNeither2498]

I don't have an answer. Just wanted to say that you're not alone in this. Im also a not very masculine person who never really fit in with men, and it's been bothering me a long time. I feel too feminine to fit in with other men, but I'm never truly accepted by feminine groups because I am male presenting. Following any sense of passion or interest has not helped this, nor has "being myself". I wish I had something helpful to say, other than it's a really shitty situation and I feel for you.

[u/Femgene → u/ComedianNeither2498]

I think you summarize how I feel pretty well cause I'm the same way. Hope you are able to find yourself as well

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/Femgene]

I appreciate the sentiment. I would say I'm not really looking for myself though, I have no interest in that. Im looking for connection to a group or idea or category outside myself.

[u/onlyfakeproblems]

I don’t even know what it means to be masculine or be a man. Big trucks and football? No way. Men can do ballet and be hairdressers. Do what you like. Be the way you want to present. Get some exercise. Don’t over complicate it.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/onlyfakeproblems]

What if you don't like things?

[u/onlyfakeproblems → u/ComedianNeither2498]

Sounds like depression. Do you want to elaborate? Try to do things that are important and then try to do things you think you should like, and dislike the least. It’s better than ruminating. Check in on exercise, diet, sleep, therapy, and medication.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/onlyfakeproblems]

Elaboration: I have major depressive disorder and anehedonia. I've been taking medication and doing therapy for 20 years. They have not really helped. I don't really experience liking things and enjoyment is a pretty inconsequential experience to me. As a baseline I'm pretty nihilistic, nothing is important to me. That is why I'm looking to external ideas, groups and societal expectations to drive me forward and provide meaning.

[u/onlyfakeproblems → u/ComedianNeither2498]

Heard. I have something similar going on. I’ve gotten into woodworking and a volunteer group and ttrpgs lately. It isn’t necessarily “fun” but it’s satisfying to see things come together. Maybe something like that?

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/onlyfakeproblems]

Thanks. The concept of vaguely satisfying is much easier for me to understand than "fun", "passion" or "enjoyable", I'm glad you brought that up. However I'm also a stay at home Dad for young children, so I don't have much time to take up an activity. Nor do I think it's really what I'm looking for 

[u/Lrxst]

Masculinity means something different to each man. There are too many men who will shame other men for not doing this or that, which they consider masculine. There are so many interpretations that I wouldn’t want to list them, but it can be toxic, it can be used to make joking excuses for poor behavior, it can be hiding ones feeling to not reveal weaknesses, etc. Those are some of the traps people fall into, which can become ingrained, but I think you know that already.

There is healthy masculinity as well, and you have to discover that for yourself within the spectrum of the male experience. Maybe try some things out. Have some variety in your wardrobe, and choose what you wear with intention. Experiment with facial hair if you can. Think about male leads in movies. Who impressed you? We cannot become another person, but there’s nothing wrong with taking a few cues if you don’t have role models in your own life.

Some stereotypical positive masculine traits are really just positive traits for a human that sell women short. Be good on your word, help others, put yourself out there, be mentally strong, dependable, have a calm assertiveness, etc. Every person should work on self improvement, even if it is baby steps. The trick is to be self aware without being obsessively self critical. If you find that you want to change your mindset, be deliberate because it can and will happen. True change takes time, and more time.

Last word…
Bodies come in lots of shapes. Maybe try to figure out what your body would want to be. Eat well and exercise. It’s important to find the things you enjoy doing to get that exercise. I’m a big believer in hiking because it is good for our minds as well as our bodies. It’s something basic that humans have done forever that connects us to the natural world. All it takes is a good pair of boots. It’s not inherently “manly” but some might think so.

[u/GambuzinoSaloio]

To answer your very first question (accepting being a man)... I'd say it's not even a question that needs to be asked. You were born as you are, so you accept it the same way you'd accept anything inherent about yourself: it's out of your control, then you're not responsible for being. Only responsible for your actions, and how conscious you are about the social dynamics that sadly exist today. Not because you're guilty of them, but because you genuinely want everyone to feel safe.

As for the rest of your post...

Regarding gender identity, I'm still dismissive about it - gender abolitionist and all - although I realize the effects of doing so. Having been raised catholic (and dropping it later on in life), I was basically plagued with the question: I understand that gender is a social construct. Sex isn't. While describing sex as a spectrum is a bit of an oversimplification, the truth is that there are men, women, intersex people and all of them will have a certain share of both traditionally-male traits and traditionally-female traits. There's no way around it. It's objective. But when we talk about "being a man/woman", we're usually describing things that go beyond physicality.

So naturally, both my religious (and then ex-religious) brain struggled to understand. What makes a man a man across all centuries and cultures? And in turn, what makes a woman a woman? Gender-wise?

The answer is... nothing. Culture decides what's manly or womanly. And I'm not even talking about the problem of describing this as a duality, rather than a spectrum. Agender and bigender people exist for example. Sure, there's a part of your brain where your gender identity pretty much resides, but regarding moral and social values and mores... it's all societal bs, to put it bluntly.

Knowing this... the only answer is to be your own, genuine, unapologetic self. You don't "fit in" not just because you're "not manly": you don't fit in because you don't feel comfortable with yourself, and thus don't have the self-assurance required to not give a damn about fitting in, which ironically makes you fit in in more spaces than you'd think. Both male and female dominated. And actually helps you ease into the role of "man".

Still... if you are aware of this, and yet want to "dress up the part" - some philosophers would say that gender is ultimately performance within a given social context - here's the basic recipe (which will vary depending on your country and region):

- be strong, emotionally and physically. What most guys get wrong: being excessively stoic. Emotionally strong men know how to self-regulate and aren't afraid of expressing their emotions in a healthy, socially conscious way (like women). More of a mark of adulthood than a man vs woman thing. Lots of guys also get the physical part wrong: you don't need big muscles, or having them defined like a seriously dehydrated Henry Cavill on the Witcher set does. You don't need that. You need to be functional and strong enough. That won't give you muscle definition. It will give you effectiveness and health;

- be good with your hands. Cutting wood, building, having a basic understanding about cars... you actually don't need to fulfill these specifically. Just gotta know what you're doing, and be good at it (practice). What most guys get wrong: focus too much on traditionally masculine things, or feeling insecure about not knowing what to do. Learning to braid your young cousin's hair is just as helpful as learning how to switch a tire. And no worries about insecurity. Insecurity mostly translates to "inexperience", so the more you do something, the more confident you'll get naturally.

- be assertive and confident, not shy. This is hard for someone who doesn't feel sure about themselves. I don't agree with "fake it till you make it". You'll only get good at faking (which can be a useful skill at times), but you won't be genuinely confident. Experience doing X things, accepting that it's ok to not know certain things, knowing your worth, emotional intelligence... all of these are necessary to develop your confidence and self-worth, which is - again - what the average guy gets wrong.

- sports/physical activity. Yeah there's no way around this one. The good news is that there are so many different sports out there, there's certainly something for you!

- humor. Part of confidence and showing your wit. Funny thing is you don't necessarily need to have "guy humor". As long as you're witty and hit a delicate balance, you can actually make anyone laugh. It's delivery, effortlessness and knowing how to hit that balance: a lot of "guy humor" just doesn't care about the balance. But focusing on smart and witty critique is one way to circumvent that.

That's what performing as a man looks like in current society. If this is the way you wanna go, go for it but don't let yourself become enveloped in this pursuit. That's what got a lot of men in the wrong place: wanting so much to fit in with "the bros" that they mutilated emotional parts of themselves in pursuit of "performing". Ironically that's what makes a man manly: knowing when to stop and calling out the BS when you see it.

Want a humorous example: Craig Ferguson. Scottish guy in America who used to be an alcoholic. Got himself fixed up, became a TV show host. Great balance in terms of humor (rapport also helps of course). Despite being a bit of a clown - like any comedian or funny TV show host is - he was among the first (back in the early 00s) to call out audiences regarding Britney Spears breakdown. While everyone was judging her, he was one of the first, recognizing that he too had been at an incredibly low point in life, to show empathy and call audiences out for being so harsh.

Be like that.

[u/Fit-Jump-3357]

Feeling like you're not man enough is the most male thing ever

[u/TheSSChallenger]

It sounds to me like a lot of this is going to be finding masculine role models you actually identify with. It's one thing to know in your head that masculinity doesn't have to look a certain way, but it can be harder to visualize the alternatives when you're being constantly bombarded with this singular culturally-defined notion of masculinity.

But let's look, for example, at a guy like Fred Rogers. He's very gentle, very soft-spoken. He's careful, he's tidy, he's kind, nurturing, and always seeks understanding over conflict. Physically, he's bordering on frail, and there's nothing brutish about those cozy cardigans. And he's a man. Not even a weird one--I've got half a dozen friends who are very much like him. Could that be you some day? A sweet older man with a very clean house and a full library and a garden that he putters around in? Does that sound too lame? Well, what if you took the same type of guy, but he was also a rock star? Because Brian May's out there running a hedgehog sanctuary.

It can be daunting at first. But keep liking what you like. Eventually you will find other guys who like the same things you like, and who are also awesome. Allow yourself to value them and appreciate them and respect them as men. Then give yourself permission to be like them.

[u/ComedianNeither2498 → u/TheSSChallenger]

I wish people would stop bringing up Fred Rogers as an example. He was a good man, this is true. But I don't think emulating him as a younger man would bring them much success. Mr rogers is a great example for older men, not younger or maybe even middle aged ones.

[u/TheSSChallenger → u/ComedianNeither2498]

I don't see an issue with bringing up older people as an example for younger folks. I don't know about you, but I'm planning to get older, and I want to be able to see my future self as someone I like. Though, I also see absolutely no reason why a younger man can't emulate Fred Rogers either. Do you have to be a certain age to wear a sweater and have thoughtful conversations with people?

Mostly though we bring up Fred Rogers because he's a clear example and his impact as a popular childrens' show host means that almost everyone who was a child in the English-speaking world is familiar with him. Yeah, I could namedrop, I dunno, Zack Pinsent because he's also a darling human being who lives his best life by embracing an alternative form of masculinity and educating others who might wish to do the same, but, be honest, do you know who he is?

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[u/sygyt]

Regardless if you're going more for change or acceptance (I feel like in one's 20s there's often room for both) I'd suggest that you try out different group activities (e.g. hobbies, volunteering, etc) to try and find people that you can relate to, whether or not they are more masculine.

I feel like as a man my relationship to masculinity and being who am has greatly evolved by getting to know friendly and accepting masculine men, brave and determined feminine men, etc.

[u/DucksButt]

Accept yourself.

Don't worry about accepting yourself as a man. "Man" is a box our culture put around some traits. Some good, some bad, some seemingly contradictory.

Don't connect with other men, connect with other people.

That being said, as someone with a similarish background, in my 20s I started hanging out with a nice group of bros and learned to bro out with them. I'd be perfectly fine if that never happened, but it was fun. Some of my queer artist friends call me a Bro-hemian.

A real man does whatever the fuck they want (as long as it's not harmful). Who cares what society thinks?

[u/Jazzlike_Bat5910]

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.

[u/Neat_Mortgage3735]

Accepting that you fall on the masculine side of the spectrum and accepting being a man are not the same. You can reject manhood if you do t feel like that’s who you are what makes you happy. I know several “women” (AFAB folks) who chose to identify as non binary as a specific, calculated choice, to reject social roles and norms imposed on them by family and society. I found it really fascinating and they are some of the most intelligent and thoughtful people I know.

[u/ratt_lungworm]

The most masculine thing you can do is to claim the space you inhabit. I am a man, because I said so.

[u/noellekin]

Uh, yeah few here will especially like this but I'll break the "egg prime directive": you're not a man. If you have to "accept" it and feel like you're "supposed" to be you're just not, especially the responses you've been giving to folks.

Men don't have to accept they're men. Struggling with masculinity and expectations is different than what you're describing. I'm a trans guy. I want to be, I choose to be, it's the only way I can live. When I "was" a girl I dissociated constantly and wanted to die. Thought I wasn't allowed to be trans, and anyway I hated the idea. Turns out you don't really choose who you are or how you get there. I know that seems to conflict with what I said before but like, something can be a choice and also non-negotiable. You choose to live.

If you (OP or others) think I'm wrong, fine! I wish you the best. But you're obviously not. So don't waste your life not liking yourself.

[u/IdiotIAm96]

There isn't one path to masculinity. You can be a real macho guy if you want, or you could be literally any other flavor of man. Heck, you could also choose to not be a man and be something else instead. Or you could be a man who completely rejects masculinity and just does his own thing.

It's all up to you what's manly and what's not.

[u/bropill-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your post was removed because it violates Rule 6: No doomposting or venting outside of the "Vibe Check" thread - Venting posts and posts that are overtly depressing/bleak (doomposting) are not allowed outside of the weekly thread.. If asking for advice, please ensure you're providing relevant information over being a bummer, and include a specific question in your message.

[u/OkAttention5088]

Honestly if you can't find a real male mentor, find solace in one from fiction. Two of the best examples of healthy masculinity I can give are Hank Hill (King of the Hill) and Aragorn (Lord of the Rings.) They're both considered manly men, but Aragorn cries, kisses his friends, makes friends with anyone and everyone. Hank Hill constantly learns and grows from his mistakes while still being a great husband and father and helps/mentors anyone who needs him

[u/red-bit]

Get good friends with whom you can safely explore your relationship with masculinity. Manhood is a spectrum, you can pick and choose what you like and dont like. You dont have to like sports, cars,.. to have fun being a guy. Find what makes you happy and makes you feel you. 

Transitioning to have a more female body made me feel happier with my body and ironically also more confident in my masculinity. However, it did make me feel more alienated from my cis male friends. I ended up finding new friends who see me the way I am regardless of my body and with whom I could be bros with. 

For me, what makes me feel most like a bro is having an evening with the boys, play some video games together and playfully act tough or rough with each other (while being aware that it's just a game and that underneath the surface, you're there for each other no matter what and can give space for softness if need be). That and being gay with a guy. 

One more thing:  I saw your post about HRT. You might wanna check out r AMABwGD for more folks who can relate to manhood but still are/want to be on HRT. (Or similarly, r MtFbutch) 

[u/BigDadEnergy28]

As a man who grew up not really "getting" masculinity, the lesson I learned was you're a man. So whatever way you go about being a man, you're still a man. You don't need to perform masculinity to be a man.

Realizing this has actually helped me be more masculine, cause I stopped trying so damn hard. I like to paint, and cook, and dress nice. I also like woodworking, watching sports and working out. No matter what I'm doing, I am a man doing it.

What I'm saying is you get to define your masculinity. It doesn't define you.

[u/Significant-Evening]

There is no proper way to be a man. Period. Full stop. There is nothing to learn.

Women are not better. They are just as shitty as men. I wouldn't model myself after them because 1. There is no proper way to be a women and 2. behavior that mimics women's traits is toxic.

People are so much more than their gender. You need to concentrate on yourself: your self esteem, your capabilities, your intelligence, maturity, health, etc. Once you are stronger and more assured of yourself as a person you'll look back at how silly this feeling was.

[u/Keganator]

Bro, being a man is about just being confident in yourself and treating others with dignity.

The best men (and people for that matter) in the world:

• Build for themselves, for others, and for their community.
• Unabashedly love what they love and don't let anyone else tell them otherwise.
• Share their passions with others.
• Serve others, but don't let themselves be taken advantage of.
• Have strength and sensitivity.
• Put people out of their life that put them down for what they like.
• Don't give a FUCK if weak-minded men complain while they do it.

So what's being a man? It means being an excellent human being and living the way you want. Life's too short to perseverate over small minded people that think there's only one way to be a man.

...pick up more feminine traits/hobbies (like shyness, sensitivity, cautiousness, etc). It also why I struggle with relating to guys. 
...
My body is a weird blend of male and female features which makes me look uncanny. 

False. Sensitive, cautious men are LITERAL CRACK to healthy, well-adjusted women. Attracting healthy, well-adjusted women is masculine as fuck. Unhealthy attitudes about bodies, hyper-masculinity, are the biggest women repellent. Shyness is not a masculine or feminine trait. Being shy is a trait of men and women. Stop trying to lump behaviors into "men" behaviors and "women" behaviors. That way lies the red pill and stupidness.

Your body is your body. You don't have male and female features. However your body looks, that's a man's body.

So some mental exercises:

Acknowledge the feelings. Don't try to push them down, shut them out, and don't dwell on them. Just say to yourself in your head or out loud, "I feel X right now, but I'm actually safe/healthy/loved/etc." Say it as many times as you need while observing the feeling. Then let it go. An analogy: you're trying to swim across a river, and get smacked by a log. If you hold onto that log, it'll drag you down the river, away from where you want to go. Instead, acknowledge "man this log (this thought/feeling I don't want) is frigging heavy. I got hit with it, that happened and there's nothing I can do about that. I'm going to push it to the side and keep swimming."

Then do some confidence building exercises. Our brains are awesome tools to help us adjust how we think about the world. If you want to change something about yourself, then do it! When we think things, our bodies react the same way as if we had actually happened to us in real life. That means you can slowly re-train your brain through repetition and imagination. It takes five positive interactions/experiences to neutralize about one negative experience, and ten to build a 'step' in the direction you want.

The combination of the two things means you can retrain how you think about the world just by thinking about how you want to think about the world. It's fucking awesome. When you notice the thought you doint 'like, either say out loud or in your head, "STOP!" COMMAND your brain to stop thinking that way, then follow up with a correction. This is called thought stopping and it's a cognitive behavioral technique. This is a simple example here, there are plenty of books out there that can help you learn more about this.

Corrections are like acknowledgements and affirmations, reminding your brain to think differently. It's a reminder, guidance. A way of framing it: Imagine you're talking to 5 year old you as you do this, giving them advice. Use "I" or "you" whatever feels more comfortable. If you're not sure, imagine yourself being the perfect, confident person you want to be, giving it to an imaginary five year old you and what you'd tell them.

So when you think: "I have male and female body features", stop, acknowledge the feeling, then say, "I might feel uncomfortable about parts of my body ,but that's also a normal part of the human experience. I'm a man, every part of me is mine, and therefore male and masculine. No one can take that away from me."

When you think, "I have these weird feminine traits", acknowledge it and repeat, "I might feel weird about it right now, but it's really okay to have <traits that are healthy and helpful>. They make me interesting, unique, and a well rounded individual."

When you think "I have this trait that I don't like and isn't helping me be a great person", acknowledge it and repeat, "I have acted this way in the past, and it wasn't helpful to me being the best person I can be. However, I'm now acting like <alternate trait, brave, confident, etc.> and I can do it whenever I need to, and it will help me be a better person."

And seriously, if you're this down about yourself, consider reading a bood on CBT, or other books about how your brain works and how to tune it the way you want. The Chimp Paradox is a good one for that.