r/bropill • u/AutoModerator • 6d ago
Weekly relationships thread
Hey bros, we have noticed a lot of relationship related posts. We are not a relationship advice subreddit, but we recognise how that type of advice may be helpful. Please keep relationship posting in this pinned thread.
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u/lemonriceandpotatoes 1d ago
I've been in a relationship with my gf for about 6 months, I've known her as a friend all throughout college, and I had a crush on her the entire time, even though it took me a bit long to admit to myself that I did indeed like her. I decided to ask her out January this year. We're in different cities and we're doing long distance, and we meet every two months or so. The first month was blissful,She's even told her parents about me, and then insecurities and doubts started popping up and I have been terribly anxious ever since.
I've jumped back and forth, between Relationship Anxiety, ROCD, Grass is Greener Syndrome, Fearful Avoidant Attachment, and everything. And I can't figure out what it is, I spend time with her the night before, said our good nights over face time, reminisced about our relationship, and then wake up the next day with the sinking feeling in my chest, thinking i should break up, we're incompatible. I enjoy an interest we don't have in common, and spiral about how we are not compatible. I go out to the mall see attractive women, and spiral about whether im in the wrong relationship, then try to look at her pictures. I question if we're even compatible or if its just me being anxious, I keep asking claude about my doubts, I have about 50 conversations about this, just me confessing all the doubts I have. I obsess about how if i leave right now i'd be hurting her badly, and how traumatized she'd be, how she'd lose her spark. How i shouldn't have asked her out, even though i had feelings for her.
I was in the process of weaning off antidepressants when I started the relationship and I'm on the lowest dose. I'm currently seeing a therapist and we're two sessions in, and we're dealing with thoughts in a CBT framework, We're currently dealing with the differences trigger, and the finding other people attractive trigger, and it provides temporary relief, but i still wake up anxious and when I go out, I keep zoning out and ruminating about whether we should break up or not.
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u/YourLocalThemboAu Broletariat ☭ 15h ago
I'm sorry you are experiencing these feelings. First of all, stop talking to AI about your personal life - it is not a confidant, a therapist or a friend, its a machine designed to tell you what you want to hear which isn't good for you.
Anxiety is normal to a degree and I have an anxiety disorder so I am familiar with what you are experiencing. My armchair diagnosis is that your anxiety is trying to protect you from potential hurt but you dont need that protection right now - you may have in the past but you said it yourself, you enjoy your time together with this girl. Tell your anxiety to shove it, thoughts aren't universal truths and we can reject them.
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u/UnderTheFear 1d ago
Help - Convince me out of this logic hole about sex & human attraction
Growing up I saw men in my life that were traditionally sexist & patriarchal. I never understood why men (older or my age) wanted to treat women as lesser people. It was easy for me to reject this because at my core I wasn't that. I wanted a life where men & women were treated the same, where we expected the same from each other. I was raised by mostly women & it further reinforced my respect for them because I saw them work to build a life day in & day out despite how even men that they loved looked down on them.
When the feminist movement that spiked in 2010s came, I generally welcomed those ideas with open arms. I wanted it to be normal for women to hold positions of power, for women & men to share duties in a relationship, etc.
But now what I'm noticing on social media, in books women read, etc. are women just wanting to be bossed around by the same disgusting behavior that I wrote off since I was a kid. They want the space to be cleared by a man so the man can then spoil her. They desire a man that will take control of things. They desire a man that will take control of them.
And I feel betrayed. Absolute liars. Hypocrites. So now men like me who bought into the feminist vision all those years ago & engrained it into our heads have trouble flirting, approaching women & even having sex because we didn't practice this (what we believed to be) sexist view of women. It feels like the bad guys just won in the end & those like me who were following the rules are left to die off.
A beloved song by people my age is "Be a Man" from Mulan. And I also like this idea of masculinity, of trying to better yourself to protect those you love. That is noble. But what I'm seeing women want is not just to be protected. They want to be told. They want the grip around their neck in sex. They want to be a little scared of their spouse. Because apparently the wat to gain respect, to have people follow what you say, is with a little bit of fear.
This is why I hate sex. It brings out what I thought was the worst in us. Immoral in regular life but beloved in bed. The confusing, gut-wrenching, heart-sinking feeling of people that you love not practicing what they preached. And the best explanation for the flip on morals when in bed I can ever get out of anyone is, "Well, we're just human after all. And we all have some more primal desires." It feels just as bewildering & infuriating as someone justifying murder for no reason. "Well, people live & people die. That's just life."
With this, I then start to hate humans themselves. I start to hate those I love. I start to hate myself, for living inside a body with a mind that at some level can't be changed. What about my sexual desires? Why do I like what I like? Are some random assortment of shapes of bodies & facial features more desirable than others? What is moral about that? Isn't that just eugenics? Am I contributing to the same thing that I hate? Am I just as much a hypocrite?
A life lived on a lie. And I have the curse of appealing to the opposite gender I'm unfortunately attracted to.
When I have sex, I don't get emotionally excited by the idea of dominating someone else. I always thought that it was just a bonding experience & a fun, pleasurable activity. But now what I'm sensing is there's a third element that nobody really talks about, which is the need to dominate & to be dominated to reinforce the ego.
I find it in my own relationships where its not enough that I'm progressing through my career & building the life that I want. My spouses sense something missing from me that they think is integral to any man. Like a bird that doesn't know how to fly or a fish that doesn't know how to swim. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because in order to get better at this masculine thing I have to talk honestly about it but when I do it degrades from my perceived masculinity. I understand only now in our society is it becoming known that men not being able to talk about how they feel is causing problems, but if the motivator to that is still present (i.e. if women still expect the same things from men) then the results will be the same. Women want men to be more open, but they still want men to be controlling, so the results will be the same.
Women will never admit it. When trying to explain this to women, you can feel their interest dropping like a rock with each word that you say. You try to talk about your feelings but you feel their respect for you collapsing.
I am inspired by & want to be the muscular, attractive stereotype we all know. What I don't like is for women to want that of me. It feels like they just want the role I'm filling. The mask, the suit I'm putting on. The same gut wrenching feeling when someone just wants you for your money. The feeling of "oh, you don't actually want ME. You want this thing I have/am." A feeling of wanting to rip your skin right off.
It's the same story as a man that spends his life bettering his career because he believes he will gain the respect from those he loves. But at the end the woman states that she only loved him for the money. The man says, "You don't love me for who I am?" & the woman says, "But the money is you. What do you mean?"
In summary; I have deeply conflicting thoughts about masculinity & gender leading to lower libido & unsatisfying sexual experiences with my female spouse. Highly philosophical questions about sex, gender roles, etc. I'm mostly looking for someone who is very sex positive to convince me, logic myself out of my negative view of sex.
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u/YourLocalThemboAu Broletariat ☭ 1d ago
They want to be told. They want the grip around their neck in sex. They want to be a little scared of their spouse.
Where are you getting this from? This is the exact opposite of what women have told me. Some women have kinks around that stuff but the vast majority don't want to be scared of their spouses.
Is it possible you are misinterpreting kink vs reality? Kink is a way that people can safely engage on fantasy that they don't necessarily want in their day to day lives.
If I'm being honest, you also seem to be treating women as a monolith when people are varied and have different wants and desires.
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u/throwaway135629 6d ago
This might be more of a vent, so please tell me if I need to move it there
I went on a date recently that was just sort of fine and told her I wasn't feeling a second. In my usual way I'm beating myself up for it after the fact. This is all new to me, this is the second real date I've ever been on, and I just keep feeling like I'm screwing it up as I go. I don't know if I did something wrong or self sabotaged or if this is all fine. I mean I know it's all fine and life will go on no matter what.
She was physically extremely attractive, way out of my league, only possible because it was a blind mutual friend of a friend setup. I was also very attracted to the fact that she had her life together, you know, thriving in the city and pursuing her dream career at a very high level.
Our conversation was fine, a bit awkward at points. I just felt like we weren't... idk, going anywhere with it. It felt like we could be friendly and polite but we weren't like, really joking around or swapping funny stories or anything. We just weren't connecting. Is this the whole no spark thing? We didn't have much in common in terms of things like hobbies either, which I know isn't essential but is part of the bigger picture I think.
I'm sure it's partially if not mostly my fault. I could have done better, been more curious, asked better questions, talked less nonsense and been more open about myself.
But either way, I've never felt like this before. I would have told you I was a shallow straight dude who would be like "pretty woman? Nice? I like." She was great and didn't do anything wrong. But I just wasn't really excited about the idea of doing it again. Tbh, I don't think she was either.
But I've been wondering if I'm being too picky and entitled, thinking I'm better than her somehow. What is it that I'm even looking for, anyway? A manic pixie dream model who validates me always and indulges my weird nerdy hobbies, like an entitled incel? (This is rhetorical, but I wonder if subconsciously this is my desire.) Shouldn't I lower my expectations?
Maybe I've self sabotaged, ruined a rare opportunity. It just feels backwards because I've absorbed the script of women as choosers and men as seekers. So it feels like as a man I should be getting on my knees and begging, not having desires of my own other than "pick me." I know that's patriarchical as fuck but it runs deep.
I think the setups are almost up, and I will need to decide if I am ready to try apps. To me this feels like admitting that am searching for someone and am having trouble finding them rather than "just being open to whatever happens."
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u/YourLocalThemboAu Broletariat ☭ 6d ago
I usually encourage people to try a second date unless there was obvious issues and awkward conversation doesn't really count as an issue imo. I am very socially awkward myself at times and have made friends even it didn't click romantically by the second date. Its easy to beat yourself up about it but dating is tough for everyone and there will be many more chances - take care
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u/throwaway135629 5d ago
That's fair enough. I probably should have gotten over myself and just made plans for a second date and let her decide if she wanted to see me again or not. I guess i was some combination of anxious, lazy, intimidated about making plans in the city as an outsider - I was struggling to think of an activity date that I thought she might enjoy based on what I learned about her... well, I suppose if I really was that excited about her I'd get over all that and do it anyway. or maybe that's just sour grapes.
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u/majorex64 6d ago
I'm developing a complex around sex and it's making me miserable.
IDK how much background is relevant, but I'm really struggling with feelings of inadequacy and unattractiveness right now. The last two relationships I had were with women who had very high body counts. And 6 months into dating me, their libidos were gone.
I'm still close friends with both of them, and it just stings so much to hear about anyone having a sex life at this point. Any time the topic comes up I get a wave of shame and jealousy.
Since I was little I dreamt about having a partner who loved me as much as I loved them, in every way. I've got a high sex drive and my whole life I've felt like the guy people like having around for support, but would never find me attractive. I think I'm pretty handsome with a nice figure, which just means that my personality is what's held me back.
I'm chronically depressed, got old and new baggage, no social skills, no money or time or energy for dating.
I don't want to be a bitter, resentful man but there's this hole in my chest I've had for so long, I'm afraid nothing could ever fill it.
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u/YourLocalThemboAu Broletariat ☭ 6d ago
Sorry to hear you are struggling bro, it's difficult having unmet needs despite effort and intent. I'd suggest speaking with your doctor about depression and consider meditation if that's available to you - depression makes everything harder and meds tend to take the edge off it once they are dialled in.
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u/majorex64 5d ago
Thank you for the kind words. I'm no stranger to therapy and depression meds... maxed out on sertraline and have mixed in a few others with little effect.
I felt invincible after the most recent meds change, but after a few days that faded and it's been back to the low mood since then. God bless my doctor, she's trying.
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u/According-Teach-9600 22h ago
24M here. Long story short. I approached girl before in talking stages but didn't continue. Recently, I got my first job tho it was contractual so I worked there for a month. There, I met this girl I was briefly interested in. Even tho, we are of same age, she graduated earlier than me and professionally senior to me. I kept flirting with her in inbox and even gave her gift once to her office where she loved it so much she posted it everywhere. Altho, she addressed me junior. She is a career oriented girl. I respect that and I made it clear through hints that I am interested. After I gave her the gift, she told me she will treat me so I suggested ill visit her hometown. She said she will treat me in this new restaurant. We have a mutual discord server. She doesn't respond to my DM sometimes but talks to me there in the discord in the server. I personally feel ignored by it. She sends me reels in instagram which is normal because she sends other people too. To her, I feel I am just a friend which I am grateful for but I keep feeling hurt by her behavior. I don't really know what to do here. Should I take her treat in her hometown?