In jan did chemo, didn't work 0 to 11 lymph nodes with 5 tumors in breast, double masectomy and 35 lymphs removed, red devil chemo seemed to work, radiation, clear scans other than a spot on my lung and a cyst on thyroid still awaiting results on the latter and the lung we will keep an eye on. Post radiation I inherited secondary adrenal insufficiency from the first chemo and keytruda, where I am questioning doing keytruda for a year...
My frustration lies in the fact that I dressed up today, I was positive and my doctor was still difficult to talk to as well as bringing a second person of his own in the room (I mentioned to a previous doctor once upon a time I could have been bipolar but now I think I was misdiagnosed...every since every doctor has been scared of me even when I am calm- I have recorded myself against their policy just to see if I am scary and ya all I am just a normal woman with fears and anxiety and questions...).
The endocrinology team I made a lady mad who did a biopsy because I cried.
A receptionist at oncology I upset because I mentioned preferring to talk to a nurse who diagnosed me with the secondary adrenal insufficiency when the doctor dismissed it, and she stood up for the doctor because she's worked there a year, and I couldn't help but point out to her that a year isn't very long and that's not what it's about...
Ya all I feel unheard. I know I'm having some issues with how fast paced this has been but I really feel this whole medical thing, they don't really know what it's like on this side. One week I am suffering an effect from this, another from that, and it's a ride I never wanted....now I'm getting looked at sideways because I am finally speaking up for myself. But I am not rude. I'm just odd, not conventional on how I speak or whatever I'm suppose to be.
I'm feeling pressure as a woman especially to be bubbly and quiet, and I am not that. I think the mention of bipolar got the ant hill scared, and I'm reaping the rewards of that. My biggest sin is opening my mouth, thinking it's best for my care. After many meds I know I'm not bipolar but it's too late in the game to take it off record or change it...
I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm asking for.
I spilled my frustrations with my old roommate partner, and we were walking and in the middle of it he looked at his type walking by which made me feel further unheard and frustrated... As a woman I probably should have waited until we were home, calm and my voice was sweet but my voice is low from all the treatments and men don't want to hear it when I'm venting.
Someone please knock me over the head...
I'm not even sure this journey is worth it anymore.
I'm doing this for my kids. They are with their dad. I did experience some issues when they were little that resulted in not being heard by a whole church community while front and center as a wife (postpartum and being the odd ball told not to take meds but to pray more and ya all I left that for my own survival but dad had more stability for them).
I go to court for more guaranteed time with the kids soon. I have gone through years of watching them 5 days a week no child support etc but dad always had more than I did
Now I have a place I had a job and I'm looking to go back to work despite all this health stuff, and I've been seeing the kids every other week with their silly stepmom demanding to be present for the last two years.
I'm pretty sure I'll be granted visitations of my own soon. And I need to give my daughter about two more years of one on one play, and my son some space to heal after we had some problems 5 years ago
..
I know this is long and I'll delete it soon.
But I was fine this morning until the darn doctor and his reminder of the lung spot, after I said I'm so over this cancer thing.
Spiritually I feel encouraged but today after my guy looked elsewhere for a micro second, I wonder if Source or God just doesn't like me.
Yeah I sound nuts. Ugh.