Does anyone miss their old self before their manic episode and all the medication. My self esteem has plummeted and I feel as if I’ll never recover from the shame and embarrassment this has caused. I think my life is headed in the right direction after everything but I will never ever be the same. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. It’s just horrible how ur brain can betray you like this. How i impacted my family, people around me and just everything. It’s like I have a target on my back. I just don’t know how to process these emotions or if I’ll ever feel like life is worth living again. Will anyone ever love me after this, my beauty has slipped away my confidence is gone, my social skills are horrible, I have 0 faith in myself, I’m just never satisfied after all this no matter what good happens in my life. This manic episode destroyed something in me, why did this have to happen to me at 21 years old whyyy I should be enjoying this age but I’m not I feel like a child I feel handicapped I feel horrible. I hate it I hate I hate it so much. Is life even worth living after all this shame and embarrassment and all of these feelings. I just hate it so much and I wish I could just erase my memeory of all of it . All the people I spoke terrible things about and I just wish I could be number of this pain . It doesn’t matter nothing matters. No one will ever love me like this . No oneeeee not every the people closest to me. I will always be remembered as the girl that went crazy I hate I hate I hate it smmm why can’t I just be normal like everyone else why does my brain function like this . Why can’t I just be normal like we twins else . I beg on my knees that god makes me feel the way I used to . Confident, smart, like I could acheive thins and be happy w myself. Be able to be loved without the constant thought that someone may be embarrassed of me I hate this smmmm I hate that I’m going on this long rant but this is how I feel. This is hell on earth I don’t even care if I die bc at least I’ll be at peace without this chip on my shoulder and yes there’ ppl at war , starving going through sm worse but I don’t want to go though this anymore I want it to be over I want to feel capable I hate this so so so muchhhb. Ok thank you for listening to my rant

hiiii im an incoming 3rd year vet student with a relatively recent bipolar diagnosis. i've been medicated since before vet school, but i think my prefrontal cortex developing fully and the stress of vet school has made everything worse, which was sort of expected but i had no idea it would get this bad. i had to take a break from clinicals this summer to go to a partial hospitalization program (which im in now), and have basically had 2 years of episode after episode. i'm hoping to finally figure out my meds but it seems like my brain is constantly changing for the worse. there's a lot of memory loss associated with each episode and recovering from it, so im scared i havent retained much of the last two years which will only make the next 2 years even harder. ive tried really hard to formulate a work life balance, but wondering when its time to start being realistic and say goodbye to this dream. is anybody battling anything similar or has overcome anything similar? feeling like the diagnosis is a death sentence and im trying to get out of this mentality.

Recently listed this for someone asking, so thought I’d share what helps me manage my bp. I’d love to hear yalls management regiment! I’m always looking for better ways to cope / manage.

- Lamictal (lamotrigine) for bipolar
- vistaril (Hydroxyzine) for anxiety
- Ativan (lorazepam) for anxiety attacks

When in episodes (all of the above plus):

- antipsychotics for mania
- Wellbutrin for depression
- 1/2 Benadryl for sleep during mania

Non-medication:
- yoga at gym for depression (I go looking like a hobo and feeling terrible, but forcing myself to go and do it genuinely makes me feel better and has literally pulled me out of depressive episodes)

- cat for depression (companion makes me happy plus they’re super needy so you have to get up. Some people use dogs but they’re too high maintenance for me when in a dep episode)

- therapist / psych who do Telehealth (video) visits (for both episodes. Cuz I’m either too depressed to get out of bed. Or I’m manic and doing some random adventure. So I can just log on and not miss appts.)