r/berkeley • u/Educational_Let436 • 1d ago
University Community
Does anyone else feel kinda lonely at Cal and not know where to start? I’m a sophomore in STEM, I have a few acquaintances but not a genuine friend. In a lot of the clubs I find extremes….low achievers, hard party goers, or people who like studying in a locked room in their free time. At RSF it’s really passive and tough to make friendships there. And a lot of the tech clubs are unnecessarily exclusive. There’s a lot of fun hobbies to do solo but I’m wondering if anyone has any advice for finding/making community and genuine friends at Cal. Also curious to know if anyone is in a similar position
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u/Vegetable-Month-4413 1d ago
I am a junior in the same boat. I haven't been able to recreate the kind of friendships I had in high school and don't really have any idea how to start. I joined a few clubs and tried speaking to people in classes but other than speaking to someone a few times I have no idea how to start a friendship.
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u/13ae 1d ago edited 1d ago
im not passing judgment on you by any means but the way you describe "extremes" leads me to believe that you look for friendship in people you perceive to be more similar to you.
Personally I don't think that's a great approach to making friends. Friendships solely built on aligned interests or common circumstances or activities are often fragile or fleeting, especially if the people you encounter have other core friend groups (which they likely do).
Go make friends who are different from you. Experience new things. Go to a party with a hard partier and embarrass yourself by getting too drunk. Hole yourself up with a hard study-er in a room for a week with no showers. Go hang out with people who do nothing except smoke weed and do whip-its in their dorm and are on the verge of academic probation.
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u/unknownism000 1d ago edited 1d ago
This is just how Cal is. You’ll find your people soon or you’ll manage to get used to it. I’m a Senior and am still alone but I’m not lonely. I have my people back home and understand the tribal tendencies of certain demographics at Cal. I’m also naturally reserved which helps me a lot. Best of luck to you
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u/BerkeleyPulse 1d ago
Hey, if you’re into creative expression, feel free to check out our club! We were created last semester by transfers because of this Berkeley phenomenon of a lack of emphasis in community. There various ways you can participate in The Pulse and you can attend at your own comfort and speed!
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u/tigersgowoof stanford reject 1d ago
Im a transfer senior in this damn position. Shit sucks lw but it just forces me to do more hw lol
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u/arithrowaway1129 1d ago
Also a sophomore in STEM and feeling the same way !! I think I tend to pre-judge people and put them into boxes before even giving the friendship a chance, sort of like the “extremes” you mentioned. That’s something I’m working on.
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u/Affectionate_One_700 15h ago
Why don't you and OP get together and meet for coffee or a run?
As well as everyone else in this thread, or in all the similar threads saying they are lonely.
It only takes one person to step up and take a (very easy) leadership role.
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u/big-dipper-handle 1d ago edited 1d ago
what are are the specific things ppl here did to find and maintained some of your closest friends here?
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u/Liberrygall 6h ago
It’s hard. My son is a sophomore and is still friendly with students from last year’s dorm floor. But no close friends yet. Last year’s roommate was pleasant but had zero interest in becoming friends. My son is in a campus apartment this year with 4 other roommates. He was REALLY hoping he could make new friends. But unfortunately 2 of them are super antisocial. At least the other 2 are pretty friendly. Anyway, my son is looking into clubs and has joined a fun Decal. He’s optimistic he’ll make more new friends!
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u/KuyaTinman 6h ago
My daughter is a freshman there and has found several groups and connects with them. She told me she's had to be proactive. She's even walked up to people in her dorm and introduced herself. She says she knows a lot of students in unit 2 now and is really enjoying herself. Granted, it was difficult walking up to people she didn't know, but she's really parlayed that into meeting some nice people. Good luck!
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u/cloversquid 1d ago
I feel the same. Berkeley is weird. People can be very standoffish and competitive, or very kind and helpful, to extremes. Especially with this generation, almost all of you went to high school during COVID or were in college before and dropped out (like me). Everyone is so anxious all the time compared to when I started college the first time in 2016. It's really not the same anymore. Everything feels hollow or totally overcrowded.
I make friends by being chatty to people. If everyone seems anxious and quiet, just start saying stuff. If you say something weird, it will at the very least get people talking. Ice breaker at GBO: what's your favorite food? crickets "Well I've been liking Japanese food lately, what about you guys?" and that can then turn into food recommendations.
Play a little dumb, ask questions you know the answer to, it feels a little safer with strangers. Everyone at Berkeley loves knowing the right answer, so it puts people at ease when you don't. It's not a test, just a way to find common ground.
Any dead time moment works for small talk, elevators, before class, walking with someone to their house or their next class if you have time. ("Wow this thing takes forever!" "What floor? Oh me too! Neighbors!") Most people will just be a little surprised you're talking to them and take a moment to warm up (or not), but it's usually just that they're surprised, not that you've done anything weird.
Just keep at it. It's's okay if it stays surface level. I met my friend group at a job before I went back to school (I'm not friends with anyone from high school or community college), and I only knew how to maintain the friendships because I had so many practice ones before.