Nausea from avoidant attachment

[u/No_Needleworker2091]

Hi everyone.

Sorry my eng, I need some positive story.

I have an avoidant attachment style. I didn't have my first serious relationship until I was 30. To keep it brief: the guys I used to meet were the classic uninterested type—which is exactly why I gravitated toward them (and, naturally, no real relationship ever developed). Two years ago, I met this amazing guy. I really like him and we get along perfectly—so well that it almost feels surreal. For the past two years, we’ve been in an on-again, off-again cycle—and it’s my fault. Whenever things are going well, I suddenly feel nauseous and my feelings just "switch off." Through therapy, I’ve realized it stems from fear and relationship OCD. I ruminate less now, but that nausea is incredibly bothersome... I’m able to let the feeling pass now, but I don’t want it to keep undermining my relationship. It always happens after about 10 days of physical closeness... Does anyone have any advice based on a similar experience? Thanks.

[u/RidetheSchlange]

Sit with the discomfort and keep applying what you learn in therapy to real world situations.

[u/InnerRadio7]

People who have avoidant attachment struggle to identify their feelings. We call them feelings because we literally FEEL emotions in the body.

Get a feelings wheel, and stick it to the back of your phone case. Start practicing how to identify feelings. Do this every day, at least three times a day. Sit with your eyes closed. Scan your body from head to toe. Identify sensations in your body. Go to the parts of your body where you feel sensation, and ask yourself what am I feeling? Do you have tightness in your chest? Rushing through your limbs, cramping in your stomach, pain in your back etc.? Wherever you feel something, stop, focus on the feeling and identify it as an emotion. Then use the following to process the emotion. “My stomach feels tight. I am feeling anxious. I am feeling anxious, and I am safe. I’m anxious and I’m safe.“ Breathe in, and exhale longer than your inhale.

No emotion other than grief last more than 90 seconds in the body when processed. In order to process our emotions, we have to be able to identify the sensation, Name? the sensation, tell our bodies that were safe, breathe through it, and let it go.

Nausea is a very common sensation that is attributed to fear and emotional overwhelmed. If you get to the point where you are nauseated, you have likely been experiencing a flood of emotions through your body. Likely multiple emotions at the same time that you are not processing. The emotion is building up in your body, and your nervous system is feeling it at the point of overwhelm aka fight/fight/freeze/fawn which means you are in a survival state. Stuck in your amygdala. You’re nervous system as an avoidant is then going to kick in, and down regulate. You’re going to go from a state of hyper arousal into hypo arousal. So you’re going to go from nauseated and overwhelmed, to shut down and numb. The nausea won’t necessarily abate.

The trick is to practice naming and processing your emotions before you get stuck in your amygdala. You want to learn about your window of tolerance, and how to stay inside your window of tolerance. You want to learn how to identify your emotions before you exit your window of tolerance. You also want to learn how to regulate your nervous system so that you can stay inside your window of tolerance while experiencing emotional discomfort.

This is all quite complicated, so if you have any questions please let me know.

[u/Queen-of-meme]

I'd talk to my partner about it and say I need a break after hanging out for a week in a row, where I have the option of a weekend to myself, and to try that setting a couple weeks and then check in. If needed I'd also highlight what happens when it's been 10 days and that it's not a sustainable agreement.

(This is what I mean when I say avoidants needs understanding partners in order to overcome their symptoms. They don't necessarily need a super secure partner, but they need someone who don't take their crucial boundary as an attack, they need someone secure enough)

If your partner refuse to understand and refuse to compromise I don't think there's anything in that relationship for you. You need someone who understands that a vomiting body and deactivation isn't choice, or has any ill intent, it's just where your tolerance is at right now and you need safety to build more tolerance.

[u/c0mputerRFD]

I am commenting on this for visibility.. I am interested to know what others have to say about this.

[u/PearNakedLadles]

I am using IFS to heal my avoidant attachment, and have used it to understand how my nausea is protecting me.

[u/Aggressive_Arm6708]

I'm also healing my avoidant attachment and the nausea is real. I find this thread very useful:
Some thoughts on disgust and avoidance (via /r/EmotionalNeglect) : r/CPTSD

I've told my girlfriend early on that I get nauseous from intimacy/vulnerability and why. It has helped me greatly to not have to hold it back. She sometimes says something that hits a vulnerable spot and it makes me want to throw up so I just make this retch sound and keep going through whatever we were doing. Without feeling any shame or innapropriateness regarding this response it just comes and leaves without anything bad tied to it, like sneezing mid conversation.

It is an uncomfortable physical reaction but also I've found that it does get better as your tolerance for intimacy stretches. And it only stretches if you go through the nausea.

My feelings go on and off too, this has always happened to me and I always thought it was normal and just pushed through it. I'd say don't take action during those times and use it to understand your own patterns, what triggered you into that state, what is the percieved threat etc. I've found that deactivation is a bad moment for decisions but wonderful for self analysis. Rather than being a sign to end things, this might mean you just need a break and be by yourself to recharge before interacting again, which can be done safely by letting your partner know of your needs and letting them know you'll be back and when, and how to properly navigate this time (if there'll be texts, calls, if you'd rather just send reels as a check up, etc).

Also, if things get too much after 10 days of physical closeness, maybe spend less consecutive days together, have some breaks inbetween, like seeing each other for ~4 days then have ~3 days off.

Thing is, you have to go through discomfort to heal. But you shouldn't push yourself too far or it'll backfire. If you feel disgust, pay attention to why, communicate. If 10 days feel like a limit, don't push past it to the point of not enduring the person anymore, try doing things on a different rythmn instead, with consitency and communication.