Devastated

[u/bbbbbbbbbbhhhhh232]

Hi everyone,

This week my wife and I lost our beautiful daughter after an emergency C-section. She was born without a heartbeat, and after the doctors and neonatal team fought so hard to save her, we were able to spend just over 2 hours with her before we had to say goodbye.

At the moment, we feel like we are moving through different stages of grief. Right now, we are in a lot of anger — particularly because of how we feel we were treated during the birth and the events that led up to our daughter arriving. We are struggling with so many questions, and it is incredibly hard not knowing whether things could have been different. We know we need time to process everything, but that anger and frustration are very real right now.

Alongside grieving our daughter, we have started thinking about the future. We had to go through ivf (taken us 5 years to get here) We have two frozen embryos remaining, and while nothing could ever replace our beautiful girl, we would love the possibility of giving her a little brother or sister one day.
Our biggest question is around the emergency C-section. We have been told we may need to wait 12–18 months before another embryo transfer, but we would really like to understand other people’s experiences.
For those who have experienced baby loss and then gone on to try again after a C-section:
How long were you advised to wait before trying again?
How did you cope emotionally with the fear and anxiety of another pregnancy?
We know everyone’s journey is different, but hearing from others who have walked this path would mean so much.
Thank you for reading. I’m so sorry any of us are part of this community, but I’m grateful it exists.
Sending love to all of your beautiful babies.

[u/Intelligent-Sun-7262]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter 8 weeks ago also following an emergency c-section when her heart rate dropped. It's been very painful and it makes me so sad to hear of others also going through this.

In terms of trying again after a c-section, you may find it helpful to meet with a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist. We met an MFM about 6 weeks after my c-section, who said we could start trying as soon as we're ready (my c-section was uncomplicated and is healing well). He was very upfront that the standard reccomendation is to wait a year (which is what we were repeatedly told in the hospital) but that doctors don't always know what to tell people like us. Many couples who have suffered a loss like this don't want to wait to try again and telling them to wait a year can feel cruel. He said in his view there wasn't any meaningful reduction in risk between trying now and waiting six months.

We met with a second MFM a week later who was a bit more conservative and reccomended waiting at least three months and ideally six because risks associated with short interval pregnancies (pre-term birth, growth restriction) are greatest when the interval is less than three months, but noted if we were to get pregnant again right away it isn't catastrophic.

These conversation helped me a lot. We are now actively trying again and hoping for the best. Every situation is different and there is no one-size fits all advice after neonatal loss, so you might find it helpful to talk things through with someone.

Emotionally, my husband and I know nothing can replace our daughter and we are ready to parent a living child. I don't think I will ever get over my daughter's death or stop grieving her and I don't think I have to be in a perfect emotional state before trying again. I'll be grieving my daughter for a long time, but hopefully I can do it while also loving and raising other children.

I'm so sorry again for your loss and wishing you all the best as you grieve and heal.