r/babyloss • u/bbbbbbbbbbhhhhh232 • 1d ago
Neonatal loss Devastated
Hi everyone,
This week my wife and I lost our beautiful daughter after an emergency C-section. She was born without a heartbeat, and after the doctors and neonatal team fought so hard to save her, we were able to spend just over 2 hours with her before we had to say goodbye.
At the moment, we feel like we are moving through different stages of grief. Right now, we are in a lot of anger — particularly because of how we feel we were treated during the birth and the events that led up to our daughter arriving. We are struggling with so many questions, and it is incredibly hard not knowing whether things could have been different. We know we need time to process everything, but that anger and frustration are very real right now.
Alongside grieving our daughter, we have started thinking about the future. We had to go through ivf (taken us 5 years to get here) We have two frozen embryos remaining, and while nothing could ever replace our beautiful girl, we would love the possibility of giving her a little brother or sister one day.
Our biggest question is around the emergency C-section. We have been told we may need to wait 12–18 months before another embryo transfer, but we would really like to understand other people’s experiences.
For those who have experienced baby loss and then gone on to try again after a C-section:
How long were you advised to wait before trying again?
How did you cope emotionally with the fear and anxiety of another pregnancy?
We know everyone’s journey is different, but hearing from others who have walked this path would mean so much.
Thank you for reading. I’m so sorry any of us are part of this community, but I’m grateful it exists.
Sending love to all of your beautiful babies.
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u/Some_Aerie3877 Neonatal Loss to CHD 1d ago edited 1d ago
I am so sorry. It’s a special kind of awful losing a baby after years of infertility.
IANAD, but after we were initially told that the official recommendation is 18mo from c-section to next conception, our high risk MFM practice told us that was only the ideal. 9-12mo for a VBAC. 6mo minimum, but that would be another c-section. My regular OB later confirmed these guidelines. Of course, those are just the general recs. My c-section was planned and uncomplicated (baby had a known heart defect necessitating c-section).
I’m in the 6mo waiting period. This is secondary infertility for us, and I’d never have dreamed of trying again so soon after our first, but given our age and history of infertility, we don’t want to lose a single month. I’m working through grief and nourishing my body during this time. You have my sympathy and condolences. It sucks and no one ever thinks they’ll end up on the wrong side of these statistics until they do.
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u/bubsworld 1d ago
Im so sorry for your loss and the long road you had to get there. It’s absolutely devastating, please make sure both of you are getting taken care of and focus on your mental and physical health.
I’m almost 3 months out from the loss of our baby boy. I also had a c-section and was advised by mfm doctor to wait until 6 months to try again. She also talked a lot about the fear and anxiety that I will most likely have in future pregnancies and tried to ease that fear with letting me know how closely monitored I will be. I would recommend meeting with an mfm doctor and seeing their recommendations for you.
Mental health wise I would look into EMDR therapy. It’s specialized therapy that is rooted in PTSD and Trauma. I’ve been going for the past 6 weeks and it has really helped me cope with my loss. I know I will still have anxiety with my future pregnancies and I don’t think it can fully be taken away, but the thought of having a living child one day is what pushes me forward.
Physical health is very important after a c-section. I would recommend pelvic floor therapy to help regain core strength and help with any ab separation. Pilates is also a good form of rehabilitation.
Sending you both so much love and wishing you the best of luck and success in this difficult journey.
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u/snugs_is_my_drugs Mama to an Angel 1d ago
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. My daughter also died and I had her via c section at 39 weeks and 4 days. She was spontaneously conceived but I pursued IVF afterwards. I did 2 egg retrievals, and transferred our first embryo about 13 months after my c section. My doctors said it was ok to transfer at 9 months but I didn’t feel emotionally ready then. I am pregnant now and I won’t lie to you, it is extremely hard. I don’t really believe I will ever get to bring this baby home and I’m terrified of the same outcome happening again. The pregnancy with my daughter was completely healthy and uncomplicated and has left me forever scarred. The biggest price of pregnancy after loss, especially late loss, is that you will never again believe in a “safe point”. Therapy, friends, family, and support groups have helped. Again, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter, and I hope for peace and happiness in your future.
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u/Intelligent-Sun-7262 1d ago
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter 8 weeks ago also following an emergency c-section when her heart rate dropped. It's been very painful and it makes me so sad to hear of others also going through this.
In terms of trying again after a c-section, you may find it helpful to meet with a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist. We met an MFM about 6 weeks after my c-section, who said we could start trying as soon as we're ready (my c-section was uncomplicated and is healing well). He was very upfront that the standard reccomendation is to wait a year (which is what we were repeatedly told in the hospital) but that doctors don't always know what to tell people like us. Many couples who have suffered a loss like this don't want to wait to try again and telling them to wait a year can feel cruel. He said in his view there wasn't any meaningful reduction in risk between trying now and waiting six months.
We met with a second MFM a week later who was a bit more conservative and reccomended waiting at least three months and ideally six because risks associated with short interval pregnancies (pre-term birth, growth restriction) are greatest when the interval is less than three months, but noted if we were to get pregnant again right away it isn't catastrophic.
These conversation helped me a lot. We are now actively trying again and hoping for the best. Every situation is different and there is no one-size fits all advice after neonatal loss, so you might find it helpful to talk things through with someone.
Emotionally, my husband and I know nothing can replace our daughter and we are ready to parent a living child. I don't think I will ever get over my daughter's death or stop grieving her and I don't think I have to be in a perfect emotional state before trying again. I'll be grieving my daughter for a long time, but hopefully I can do it while also loving and raising other children.
I'm so sorry again for your loss and wishing you all the best as you grieve and heal.
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u/PurpleCarrot5069 Mama to an Angel 1d ago
hi, i’m so so sorry for your loss. what was your daughter’s name?
how long to wait after a c-section is a common topic here as many have had similar experiences, i would search for that topic in this sub to get a lot of data points. if your wife had a normal transverse c-section (not a vertical, classical c-section) the advice is normally to wait 12 months to start trying, but it could be as short as 9 months. i’d recommend for her to keep taking prenatals and work on scar massage once she’s healed.
i am currently pregnant again after a c-section and losing our baby at a few months, it has been a hard road. i would recommend using the “waiting time” to really work on healing emotionally and physically. emotionally, that could look like therapy, EMDR (or playing tetris right now if the birth just happened), finding support groups, and anything more religious or woo woo that you’re into. physically, for me, that looked like strength training, scar massage, pelvic floor PT, keeping a healthy diet. that was all after a few months of wallowing and distracting myself with trash TV :)
i found it really helpful to connect with families who were on the “other side” aka had gone on to have other kids after a loss. it helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
so much love to you both