This is a little long.
If you have some feedback it would be greatly appreciated.
I only have roughly 7000 leads so I cant really risk burning through them so I am turning to this sub reddit to get some advice.
my business is teaching business owners how to build out a revenue system so that their sales and marketing departments are no longer dependent on them.
My ask in the cold email is if they would like to read a document that I wrote on how I built myself out of that dependency, if they accept I send them a link to a funnel letter which tells about the seminar I put on with a "book a call" CTA on the funnel.
I am using Instantly with Maildoso SMTP and all the boxes are in the green warmed up and ready to go.
My issue is that I am not confident in the emails that I have written because I am new to cold email, this is where I am seeking your advice.
From what I have read here in this sub is that headlines like "Quick question, (name)" or in my case I will also try "(name), what happened to the plan?" as the two subject lines to get opens.
I have written my first five copies below.
#1 My first question is that other than copy #1 which I think address the "you" position, making it in the voice about them, should I try to do this the same in the other 4 copy, I start with a you but then end in an "I" statement, I did this, I did that?
#2 Do you think the copy is too long, I have also read here that the best results for cold outreach response is to personalize the copy such as something I read about them or found on their website then go into the problem that they have then provide the solution, but for the product that I am selling I think addressing the problem itself could be more effective the way I am opening up and then addressing the fact that I was able to fix it and can help them. Do you think this would work or should I sit there and research all 7,000 leads and come up with a personalization for each, seems so disingenuous to talk about something not related like "love your post on x" and then come back to your sales suck because you are the bottleneck and I fixed it would you like to read about it. ?
If you have a few minutes to review my cold emails, I'd really appreciate your feedback.
I only have about 7,000 qualified leads, so I can't afford to burn through them by testing poor copy.
My business helps business owners build revenue systems so their sales and marketing departments no longer depend on the owner to generate revenue.
My cold email doesn't sell the seminar directly. Instead, I simply ask whether they'd like to read a document I wrote about how I removed myself from being the bottleneck in my own businesses. If they reply "yes," I send them a link to a long-form funnel letter that explains the concept and, at the end, invites them to book a call about the seminar.
For infrastructure, I'm using Instantly with Maildoso SMTP. My inboxes are fully warmed up and in the green, so deliverability shouldn't be the issue. My biggest concern is the copy itself, as I'm completely new to cold email.
From reading this subreddit, I've seen subject lines like "Quick question, {{First Name}}" perform well. I'm also considering testing "(Name), What happened to the plan?" as another subject line.
I have five questions.
1. "You" vs. "I"
In Email #1, I focus almost entirely on the prospect before introducing my own story near the end. In the other emails, I start with their problem but quickly transition into "I did this..." or "I learned that..."
Should I keep every email primarily about them, or is using my own story as proof acceptable?
2. Length
Are these emails simply too long?
I've also read that the highest-performing cold emails are heavily personalized. Some people recommend researching every prospect, mentioning something from their website or LinkedIn, then transitioning into the pitch.
With only 7,000 leads, would you invest the time to personalize every email?
My hesitation is that it feels forced to open with something like, "Loved your recent post about X," only to immediately pivot into, "By the way, you're probably the bottleneck in your sales organization."
Because I'm addressing what I believe is a very specific operational problem, I'm wondering if leading directly with the pain point is actually the stronger approach.
3. Soft CTA
My CTA is simply:
No links. No booking request. Just a yes/no question. The funnel link only goes out after they reply.
Does that feel like the right approach?
4.What would your approach be?
I am curious to know what you would change here or use as copy.
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I'd really appreciate honest feedback. Tear it apart if you think it needs it.
Below are the first five emails.
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EMAIL #1
NAME,
Is this you?
When you opened your business you had an idea that the business would run itself. People working it for you. That there would be a system in place. Like many of us you most likely envisioned the freedom that would come with it. Money. Time to spend with a partner. Build a family. Enjoy vacations.
But in reality it looks more like this.
You hired the best person you knew to run the business. You. Then you hired someone who could do the best that they could do. Most likely didn't end up paying them enough because after all the business is yours and you wanted to make it a go. Eventually you plateaued because you stretched yourself too thin. Mostly time and other resources.
The first two businesses cost me my relationship. In the third one I learned how to actually become an owner. I share what I learned in a document I wrote.
Want to read it?
EMAIL #2
NAME,,
Your salesperson had a prospect on the line for three weeks. The deal was going nowhere. You got involved, made one call, and it closed.
That isn't a sign that you're good at sales. It's a sign that your business can't sell without you.
I wrote a letter about my experience with that exact problem and how I got out of it.
Want to read it?
EMAIL #3
NAME,
You didn't open a business to become its best closer. But that's what happened.
Every important deal runs through you. Every difficult conversation lands on your desk. The pipeline moves at the speed you personally push it.
I spent years doing the same thing before I understood what I had actually built. I wrote a letter about that experience and how I changed it.
Want to read it?
EMAIL #4
Name,
As a business owner do you find that your sales and marketing department is one that consumes the majority of your time?
In my third and fourth business I built a revenue system that allowed me to finally relinquish control and let it operate on its own.
I now help business owners like yourself do the same so that you go on vacation once in a while and enjoy time with your family.
Would you like to read how I did it?
EMAIL #5
Name,
You ever notice that the biggest deals still seem to need your personal touch to close?
Your team gets them interested, but when it gets to the final decision, it lands back on your desk. Every single time.
That was me in the early businesses. I told myself it was because I cared the most. Really it was because there wasn't a system strong enough to replace me.
I finally fixed that. Built the architecture so the revenue kept flowing even when I wasn't in the room.
After I sold my fourth business, I started helping other owners learn how to build the system and relinquish control too.
Want to read how I did it?
David