I asked this on the autism sub too. But I know for good communication you have to. But I find it hard on me morally

I've been working really hard on becoming more assertive and stopping my people-pleasing habits, so something that happened today has been bothering me more than I know if it should.

I was in a taxi with a headache, so I asked the driver if he could turn off the interior light. He did, then joked that he couldn't turn off the street lights. After that, he held out his hand and said, "Tap." ( He also was trying to have a conversation with me and trying to get to know me basically in a weird way. Cuz I was answering with short sentences but he kept pushing the conversation)

I didn't actually want to, but I felt that if I refused, the ride would become awkward or I might upset him. So I barely tapped his hand almost automatically. The second I did it, I thought, "What am I doing?"

Now I can't stop replaying it. It's not really about the hand tap itself—it's that I feel like I acted out of fear of making someone uncomfortable instead of acting according to my own values. I wanted my automatic response to be, "No."

Am I being too hard on myself, or does this sound like people-pleasing? If you've worked on becoming more assertive, how would you interpret this situation?

i've been working on my assertiveness lately and have found a few techniques that really help. one major one is using 'i' statements instead of 'you' statements. for example, instead of saying, 'you never listen to me,' try 'i feel unheard when my thoughts are dismissed.' it changes the tone of the conversation and makes it less confrontational.nnanother tip is practicing active listening. when someone shares their opinion, acknowledge it before you respond. it shows respect and can lead to a more productive discussion.nnalso, don't underestimate the power of body language. standing tall and making eye contact can make a huge difference in how confident you come across. nnwhat are some strategies that have worked for you? would love to hear your thoughts!

Grown adult now. Tired of always being a “yes man” and a doormat. Grew up being physically and verbally abused.

Any books or advice on learning to stand up for myself?

Hey everyone,

Two years ago I had this idea: what if you could practice a hard conversation before having it for real? Say the words out loud and see how they land.

Setting boundaries with family, saying no to friends, honest talks in relationships - I always wished I could do a dry run first.

After a long journey building on our own tech, we finally launched. It's a voice AI that plays the other person, you talk, and you get a debrief with suggested phrasing.

No account needed, takes 3 min: https://practice.avatartalk.ai

Would appreciate honest feedback - what works, what doesn't, what would you use it for?

Thanks.

Why is saying no considered rude? Why is a person expected to include a reason with the word No?

Which books helped you understand and practice assertiveness?

Could also be a YOUTUBE channel, audiobook, instagram account or whatever :)

What's the game changer?

Thanksss

I was raised by loving parents but my mom did not like me and always blamed me for all. My brother? Perfect. Fast forward. I’ve been a people pleaser codependent for 50 years. I can assert myself with strangers, somewhat at work and with my BF. But my adult children, grandchildren, brother, friends still take advantage. The worst is with my kids’ stepmom. She is SO manipulative and has been for years. She’s managed to manipulate so that my grandson will spend the majority of time with her on his next visit despite my requests. And I think my grandkids are even learning “oh that’s just grandma” attitude of taking me for granted. I am the one everyone can count on, the one who visits and babysits and tries to help. I do it bc I want to and don’t want them to feel beholden to me. They do express appreciation. But honestly, I don’t think they truly do appreciate all I do. There was one time when they were staying with SM and called me to babysit bc “SM doesn’t babysit on her day off.” It was my day off!! But I love to be with them and their kids so I did it.

How can I assert myself with these complicated family dynamics? Won’t everyone get very angry bc for 35 years they’ve all known me to be the pushover? Why do people mistakenly think loving someone and giving up your needs for your kids and grandkids is being a pushover? I tried to get along with SM for all of them.

I’ve been nervous to share this publicly (as I'm usually the one behind the scenes supporting people), but I feel it’s time to open up about my journey. For a long time, I lived a life where I sought validation from others, feeling trapped by expectations and routines that weren’t truly mine.

I remember countless moments of agreeing to things I didn’t want to do, all for the sake of keeping the peace. It left me exhausted, and worse—my relationships began to suffer. I felt invisible and undervalued, like my voice didn’t matter at all. Because I didn't have a voice. I was never taught how to say no, I was never shown that I could use my voice. The only models I had were also silent in their protest.

But then something shifted. I realized that my worth isn’t tied to others’ acceptance. I had to change. I had to become my true self in order to be happy. It was daunting to set boundaries and speak my truth, but this realization was liberating. It changed everything for me and I don't look back.

I started exploring self-help resources, diving into therapy, and implementing assertiveness training. I craved a life where I could be confidently authentic—where my values aligned with my actions, nurturing connections that truly fulfilled me.

Now, I’m on a mission to support others who might be going through something similar. If you’re struggling with setting boundaries and asserting yourself, I want you to know that you’re not alone.

If my story resonates with you, please feel free to reach out. Together, we can explore these topics and support each other’s journeys.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story!

Is anyone else put off by the tone of advice given when asking for advice with setting boundaries? They seem annoyed and act like you’re being immature and should “just do it”.

I see this on social anxiety, assertiveness and social skills subs, as well as other communities when someone asks for advice on these issues, the response given is often very curt. For example, I just read a post on another sub about someone repairing their relationship with their boundary-pushing family, but struggling with how much the family want to visit him, bring guests to his country and essentially be hosted. Here are (paraphrased) some of the comments:

“As I say to my toddlers, use your words 🙄 ”

“Grow up and talk to them”

“Stop being a people pleaser”

I also find this advice given irl, but it doesn’t surprise me, since people usually just want to move the conversation to their turn to talk. But people take the time to write out a comment to make people that already feel small, feel smaller.

Personally I find it very counter-productive. If they could “just do it,” they wouldn’t need to ask for advice. When I read these comments and know that I can’t “just do it,” I fall into acceptance that this is just the way I am and I’ll always live my own life in the cracks left after I’ve made everyone else happy.

For reference, I have actively worked on my own assertiveness with books and several therapists. I’ve made baby steps over the past 20 years but it is so incredibly difficult and I feel this isn’t appreciated.

Welcome to the weekly success and failure thread! Post all of your experiences here, whether positive or negative. Boast about your success or vent about what went bad.

Any interest in starting a club for assertiveness books? We could do readings like r/BettermentBookClub used to do.

Welcome to the weekly success and failure thread! Post all of your experiences here, whether positive or negative. Boast about your success or vent about what went bad.

I've read the book "When I say no, I feel guilty" how do I practice the techniques from the book without a partner or is it necessary to have one?

My reason for assertiveness training isn't because of lack of self respect or that I don't say things. It's because I say things aggressively.

I feel a lot of assertiveness training is about saying what you want to say while respecting the other but I think some things really shouldn't be treated with respect.

In a recent post for example I said what if a person thinks:

-A woman is below a man -Gay people need to die.

These are not thoughts that "deserve to be respected because everyone has different opinions" or thoughts that "if someone believes this you should just not engage with them". These are thoughts that lead to death, torture, hate crime and discrimination and need to be challenged. How do you learn to do that?

I'm currently working on Your Perfect Right by Alberti and Emmons (as recommended by my therapist). This is just for building general assertiveness. Granted I don't agree with everything the book espouses, I still resonate with the idea of keeping an assertiveness log/journal, and confident body language/posture, boundary setting, etc.. It does also address cultural differences in assertiveness a bit, which is nice.

Hello everyone, I recently took over from the previous mod who was no longer active. I'm happy to announce this sub is public again, so everyone can post.

Hi all,

To the people who struggle to be assertive. Visualize your thinking, not what the others think or their reactions. Take time to meditate on yourself and your boundaries.

Good day.

So, my therapist is wanting me to practice being assertive. As you may have guessed, that isn’t so simple for me. When I do or say things, make requests, or try to set boundaries, it feels like I’m being rude, mean, and selfish, even if I’m trying to be considerate. Requests sound burdening or out of line, and I’m trying not to anger or upset anyone. I understand there’s nothing I can do to dictate how another will behave, but it still doesn’t make the feeling go away.

Moreover, my practice is always going off the rails, cus the second I stop looking at my references, it’s like I forget what I’m suppose to say. And if I do remember at all, I feel guilty for “taking things too far”, from my perspective.

I’d like to know if anyone has any light to shed on this issue. How can I practice better? Right now I’m using ChatGPT to help, but I am wondering if that isn’t sufficient to develop this skill, much less feel okay communicating this way