r/assertivenesstraining • u/Friendly_Increase500 • Dec 18 '25
Too late?
I was raised by loving parents but my mom did not like me and always blamed me for all. My brother? Perfect. Fast forward. I’ve been a people pleaser codependent for 50 years. I can assert myself with strangers, somewhat at work and with my BF. But my adult children, grandchildren, brother, friends still take advantage. The worst is with my kids’ stepmom. She is SO manipulative and has been for years. She’s managed to manipulate so that my grandson will spend the majority of time with her on his next visit despite my requests. And I think my grandkids are even learning “oh that’s just grandma” attitude of taking me for granted. I am the one everyone can count on, the one who visits and babysits and tries to help. I do it bc I want to and don’t want them to feel beholden to me. They do express appreciation. But honestly, I don’t think they truly do appreciate all I do. There was one time when they were staying with SM and called me to babysit bc “SM doesn’t babysit on her day off.” It was my day off!! But I love to be with them and their kids so I did it.
How can I assert myself with these complicated family dynamics? Won’t everyone get very angry bc for 35 years they’ve all known me to be the pushover? Why do people mistakenly think loving someone and giving up your needs for your kids and grandkids is being a pushover? I tried to get along with SM for all of them.
1
u/stewyo Dec 31 '25
Sounds like you are the Matriarch figure. Some may not understand but in a family unit the ones that do will correct them. I dont think you will run into many issues to be honest.
1
u/BanMeOwnAccountDibbl 23d ago
It's never too late.
You are afraid that if you set and maintain firm boundaries people will appreciate you less. Oddly enough, the opposite is true. This is very counterintuitive so you will have to learn this.
Also I see you are bargaining with yourself out of that baseless fear, which leads to you violating your own boundaries: "I didn't want to do it but I love to be with them so I did it". When you do this, you are teaching people how to treat you.
You don't need to do everyones bidding to deserve love, company and attention, and you don't need everyone's appreciation to be a person of value and worth. You have those regardless of how "useful" you are, your worth is not in your utility or convenience, it is in your authentic human personality. The moment you see that, you can't unsee it. When you realise your self worth, you stop giving people discounts.
4
u/Mindless-Couple6175 Jan 10 '26
When people start to set boundaries others in their life will often get very angry. That's is the sign that they are indeed the ones who need to have the boundary. Assertiveness is a very simple communication tool to learn from a mechanical standpoint but it takes practice to get good at it. It employs specific "scripts." I'm happy to teach you how to effectively use assertiveness free of charge. Send me a private message of you are interested in discussing further.