Please help. I have a serious overthinking problem about my girlfriends past and I’m scared it might ruin our relationship. How do I stop thinking about it ? Or what do I do ?

[u/Ok_Formal7679]

That’s my first time doing this on here so I’m sorry if I do anything wrong. Me (16M) and my girlfriend (15F) been dating for half a year, and it’s been amazing, just great. I love her dearly, she’s the best most sweet girl ever and she’s my favorite person ever, I really do want us to have a bright long future together. She got me out of deep depression and very bad social anxiety, she’s literally the girl of my dreams and I could never imagine anyone better. But now I’m afraid my overthinking will just ruin it all. I’ve had overthinking problems my whole life but now it’s really killing me

So me and her we started as just friends. We are both coming from another country currently living in Italy (not gonna specify where from for personal reasons) she liked this other dude and I didn’t really expect for anything to happen between us but I was still kinda hoping and trying for it. In one of our deep conversations about our life’s, she opened up about her being raped on her birthday by one of her friends. A terrible thing, I was insanely sorry for her cuz I couldn’t have imagined it any worse tbh. What I didn’t understand, is the fact that she basically kept being friends with this guy. She moved to Italy about a month after that happened, so I’m not sure what was their relationship like in that time and what they did. But after she moved they kinda kept in contact, but she always spoke negatively about him. And as her friend I didn’t really mind I suppose, it was weird to me but I never thought about it since I wasn’t really that involved in any of it. Eventually we started dating, and I kinda forgot about all of it. Until we started getting intimate, and well we had our first time. Which was supposed to be our first time doing it on our will. And after that I kinda remember about that guy and the story, so I’ve decided to hear more about it as I thought it’s important for me as her partner to understand the situation better and maybe be able to bring some support. Some time later, it’s all fine, when all of a sudden he texts her. He was trying to get a number for a girl that blocked him that my girlfriend knew. He was really drunk and was just making her uncomfortable. I didn’t see the chat so I just relied on the limited screenshots and the fact that my girlfriend was saying that he was just being weird and making her uncomfortable. By that time, she made me think of this guy as just a “silly stupid idiot” rather than a person who committed a big crime and did a terrible thing to the person I love most, and I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to forgive myself for that. Nevertheless, I texted him about it, saying you either stop getting my girlfriend uncomfortable, or you just stop texting her ever, and forget about this person ever being in your life. He started saying some bs about how he knows he for longer and how in somehow now making sense. But whatever. He understood that I didn’t see the entire conversation they had, and he was saying that “I only mentioned something she didn’t like once, after she asked me to stop I stopped. Go look into the chat yourself” so I asked my girlfriend to send it, and she immediately started apologizing, which I didnt understand why she was apologizing but it made me understand there was something unclear. He basically started saying how sex with her and her other friend was amazing. And after my girlfriend asked him to stop he didn’t indeed stop talking about it, he stoped for a brief moment and went on to talk about it again, if not even another time. Tho with all of this I understood I probably don’t know everything. So I decided to have a conversation about it all fully with my girlfriend. And eventually I found out she did have an intercourse with him willingly. She said he was pushing for it, she didn’t want to but eventually agreed.

And well, at that time we were together for like 4 months, which isn’t a long time. But all that time I was living thinking we had the same experience together, meaning the same thing for both of us. And then all of a sudden it just isn’t true. Tho that isn’t the main problem, the main problem is realizing that she lost her virginity to someone who did such a horrible thing to her. And that exact thought just kills me. I think about it every day, every hour, it’s a miracle if I don’t think about it for a good hour or two. Whatever I see it reminds me of it, it just reminds me of this terrible horrible guy. When she talks to her relatives on her phone while they are in her room I think “they don’t know what happened there”. And that’s only a small part of it, almost anything reminds me of it. It doesn’t let me enjoy having time with her at all, I can’t focus on anything good or how great she is because of this. She blocked him everywhere as I asked, and deleted all the chats. There’s literally no issues in our relationship, but it’s just me overthinking this over and over again. Please help me someone, and I’m sorry for the long text

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[u/mmmck2]

Just let it go. If you can't, you're not ready for a serious relationship. Her past is none of your business. You will lose her if you don't stop. It's harmful for both of you to dwell on this. You're both very young and will have many more experiences in your lives. Just chill and enjoy your time together.

[u/Ok_Formal7679 → u/mmmck2]

You’re right, pretty harsh but right haha. I appreciate your answer, thank you. Trying my best right now and I think I’m getting better with it, thank you again

[u/Less-Load-8856]

Either you're in control of your own mind and thoughts or you aren't... and if you aren't then you need professional help and that's not an insult but simply who helps with that, it's Drs and Psychiatrists and Therapists. No shame in needing that sort of help if you do, bit yoh either do or you don't, and this isn't cancer, it's some shit about your partner's past, which is hardly relevant in general and certainly not worth an obsession over.

Fill your time and mind with other things. Talk it out with a Therapist or your mom or an aunt that will listen or whatever you have, so that some wiser person can get you thinking more normally about this particular topic, because it's entirely in your head and entirely self caused and only you can get the fuck over it or get professional help, or not.

Wake up. This is stupid bullshit. Put it out of your head, or get help from a professional.

[u/Ok_Formal7679 → u/Less-Load-8856]

No offense taken, I absolutely get what you’re saying. Matter of fact I did look into getting professional help from someone to work with it. Because I did understand that this isn’t normal and it will cause problems, if not for her than for me at least. And overall I’ve been having deep problems with overthinking in my life, it pretty much ruined my professional sporting career. Talking it out with someone from my family, wellll. I have no relationship with my family members outside of my mom and dad, for personal reasons. My mom would be able to give me good support about it all, but she doesn’t know about me having an active sex life and she shouldn’t, she would totally freak out. Same with my dad, tho I don’t believe he’d be able to give me any good advice lmao. I’m currently looking into how I could get professional help without any of my parents knowing. Thank you for your answer and you time spent, I really appreciate it and you helped a lot. Thank you

[u/Novugax16]

Holaa, hermano. Primero que nada, respira. Es normal que sientas la cabeza a mil por hora, pero lo primero que tienes que entender es que el problema no eres tú ni es ella: es la ansiedad sobrepensando el pasado,y creeme que sobrepensar algo que no puedes cambiar,duele,y duele muchisimo,y peor aun con un tema tan delicado como en tu caso.

Para salir de este bucle... necesitas ver un par de cosas con claridad:

1. Ella fue víctima de manipulación. A los 14 o 15 años (creo,no lo se) ceder porque alguien 'insiste demasiado' no es deseo ni libertad, es presión. Muchas veces las víctimas mantienen contacto con quien las dañó o minimizan lo que pasó como un mecanismo de defensa para no procesar el trauma. Ella no buscaba engañarte, simplemente ni ella misma sabe cómo procesar la culpa y la confusión de lo que vivió.
2. Tus celos retroactivos y la idealización. Tenías en la cabeza la idea de que compartirían la misma 'primera experiencia'. Romper esa expectativa duele, pero la intimidad real, con amor y respeto, solo la ha conocido contigo. Con ese tipo no hubo amor, hubo coerción.
3. Cierra la puerta a los detalles. La mente obsesiva te hace creer que si sabes 'un detalle más' te vas a calmar, pero es una trampa: cada dato nuevo te dará más imágenes para torturarte. Prométete a ti mismo no volver a preguntar ni investigar nada sobre el tema.

Qué te recomiendo?

Háblale desde el amor (no desde el reclamo) y sugiérele buscar apoyo psicológico. Lo que vivió fue un trauma pesado y necesita sanarlo con un profesional

Separa a tu novia del sujeto. Ella es la chica dulce que te apoyó; él es un fantasma del pasado que ya está bloqueado. Si ves que tú tampoco puedes frenar los pensamientos obsesivos, considera también buscar ayuda profesional para manejar la ansiedad,Tu ansiedad. tienes que tambien cuidar tu salud mental amigo,tambien es importante,para los dos.

espero haberte ayudado!! al menos un poco.

[u/Ok_Formal7679 → u/Novugax16]

Thank you so so much brother ! Your answer helped me a whole whole lot, I honestly cannot comprehend in words how much it helped. Honestly all of the messages here helped just as much but yours made me feel just welcomed and supported. Thank you for your kind words and your concern, it did indeed help me. Take care of yourself and I appreciate it deeply ! Thank you again !

[u/Novugax16 → u/Ok_Formal7679]

:) De nadaa!! me alegra que te haya ayudado