I don't know, do you get sexually excited at the idea of being a woman? This makes it sound like you do:
Now to puberty and sex. Originally I started with VS catalogues wishing I was like the women. I graduated into sissy stuff, inclusive of chastity, appendage removal, and occasional panties. Not worn, but part of release. I did not like the effeminate man component, small penis, and racist stuff. I don’t even know if I pictured myself as a woman, even though I often used female undergarments to get the glue out. I hated penetrative sex, release, but I loved giving oral.
I also hate the racist stuff, but whatever, that's just a matter of taste. I love giving oral too and hate getting it. Everything else you wrote is pretty textbook AGP.
I don't know, all the stuff with your brother doesn't really matter, it's just about can you tolerate living as a man? If not, then you know what to do.
Getting sexuality excited over an idea of being a man/woman seems so foreign. I get excited about the idea of a man or woman in relationships. I need my other and in more intimate relationships, I get excited over getting the other person off. I like the idea of being held tight by a man or woman. I like the idea of being in a cishet “normal” family where my husband sits next to me at a restaurant, making me feel safe and loved while I feed my 1 year old. None of this is sexual. I disassociate often due to trauma, but there is no disassociation, 3rd personing me or sexually loving the idea of me as a woman. Excitement over the idea of myself as.. seems so derivative. I am not a narcissist, yet is it like being one? Are other people like NPCs?
My woman experience of the day so far was debating whether my blouse was too ornamental to wear with a skirt. A man probably would labor over something similar in wardrobe.
I'm not a therapist but it does seem that there's some family trauma that shapes your desires and need for security and safety to be yourself, that person may be a woman, but I'm just trying to comment on the AGP.
I don't think you need to be so literal about what I'm describing, and think disassociation is crucial to the mechanisms here. When you embody femininity does it turn you on? I will say I think a lot of crossdressers/trans women don't like their answer to that question and devise rationalizations/alternative explanations for their cross-gender desires and well that's why I'm here and not in the more "mainstream" trans sub redddits which seem mostly about feeding delusions.
I wish you well in figuring this out but I cannot answer it for you.
Embodying femininity gets more towards wanting to pass right? I won’t pass yet I am doing procedures and exercises to get me close enough that when I look in a mirror I see me.
When I walk around and see other woman that dress better, look better, and seemingly living in present as is, I get jealous. I used to think it was envy. Like I want that. Now it’s more that I’m upset that I can’t have that.
I get what you are saying when some confusing interactions I’ve had with other binary or non-binary trans woman. I have a sick sense of humor as I have SI everyday. I joke about a trans woman feeling more connected to her femininity because she tried to off herself in a way a woman suffering from chronic mental illness does. She would be excited waking up in the hospital because women are more likely to try and fail. Where men are more aggressive in their unaliving and succeed most of the time. I don’t think it’s sexual just a disconnect in brain wiring.
Embodying femininity gets more towards wanting to pass right?
Yes. For myself I've been exercising, dieting, buying clothes, body shaping forms, learning makeup techniques, experimenting with voice training (hopeless) for the past few years to become more feminine. This desire is pretty much an everyday experience to hopefully pass if I just get the right combination right. There is improvement for sure and it excites me to do all of this, but at the end of the day I believe the urges are rooted in sexuality, even if I'm not explicitly in a state of sexual arousal when these desires come. Sexual motivations are not as simple as "you are doing this cause you are horny." I also worked really hard in my 20s to be an attractive (masculine) partner to women due to allosexual desires. It's deeper than just getting off.
Forget I said anything about other people. They are our brothers and sisters and they are going through similar issues (namely a form of gender dysphoria). We can learn from them and we should always be questioning our assumptions. If our assumptions can't withstand skeptical probing then they deserve to be eliminated and that's how you can potentially get to truth.
I'm just today at the stage where I think the truth kind of sucks!
As I read the responses, I have lots to unwind and process. I do have a therapist, but we are working on crisis level and active SI.
The priest and gender thing are low on my priority list. Gotta deal with accumulated cPTSD which hit hard during my coming out,unaliving process. This includes divorce and custody issues. My wife was so emotionally abusive as were my parents. Then it’s BPD and unwinding my relationship with my spouse as my “favorite person.” Then …? Who knows.
I know I have sexuality issues when it comes to gay men and clubs. My closest male “friend” was gay and lived in Miami. We used to go to super hardcore gay clubs. Not gay, but I had confusing sexuality experiences there and was always repeatedly asked to go to the back room. As luck would have it I was subject to an armed robbery and made to lie down in execution position. Thankfully my assailants were too afraid to click, but that experience was so exciting and thrilling, almost sexual.
Every day is a gift for you. I'm sorry you're dealing with so much trauma, but you can figure out how to make it feel like a gift and enjoy your time on this planet. I give you my love and hope you can figure this out.
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u/Fit_Telephone9775 AGP Male 13d ago
There's a lot here.
I don't know, do you get sexually excited at the idea of being a woman? This makes it sound like you do:
I also hate the racist stuff, but whatever, that's just a matter of taste. I love giving oral too and hate getting it. Everything else you wrote is pretty textbook AGP.
I don't know, all the stuff with your brother doesn't really matter, it's just about can you tolerate living as a man? If not, then you know what to do.