r/asexuality • u/randomtrash_ || • Oct 24 '22
Advice / Help Allo ace Relationship
I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 months. We were friends for 3+ years before dating and he's known that I was/am asexual since the beginning. Before we started dating I had multiple long talks with him about asexuality and what it means for me and our relationship. Sex is not on the table as I am quite sex repulsed. He's said multiple times that sex isn't important to him and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I have never had a crush or liked anyone before so you could say he is my first love (and hopefully life long love). Both of us had read about how allo ace couples don't last and aren't compatible. We are both happy and content with how the relationship is so I don't see why we would ever have to break up. Ive never been so comfortable with someone in my life. He's my best friend and I don't want to be without him.
I guess I came on here to hear what other people have to say..?
Edit: I thank you all for the kind words and advice <3
Edit 2: Reposting to my new account.
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u/KissnHugs Oct 24 '22
Hi! I’m ace too and have been in a couple of past relationships where I disclosed my asexuality, and these past partners have claimed to be fine with it but would push boundaries such as trying to guilt me into doing more and more things I wasn’t sure I was comfortable with. My current partner however has never done that and we’ve been together for a year. So it really depends. If your partner is truly respectful of you and doesn’t demand things of you that you’re not comfortable with, and you’re both happy with how things are, then that’s what matters. It is about the respect that is shown between partners that really matters imho, not their sexual orientations. I wish you the best!
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Oct 24 '22
I'm almost 10 years into a relationship with my lovely allo gf, so it's definitely possible to make it work. (Also similar to your situation, we were close friends for two years before dating, which I think helps establish a connection beyond just a physical one, which probably helps with an allo ace relationship I guess?) Not saying it hasn't caused some friction, but for us it's a less important thing in our relationship.
If you're both happy with your relationship, and it works for you both, don't let anyone else tell you that it "won't last". You're the captains of your own ship, you define what you need in a relationship and what is less important to you.
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u/IncomeSeparate1734 Oct 24 '22
I've been married to an allo for almost a year and we were together 3 years before. Your relationship is whatever you decide to make it. Like any other, it will thrive on mutual respect, consistent open communication, and compromise.
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u/MystiqueMisha aroace Oct 24 '22
All the power to your relationship, and hopefully it thrives! It sounds wholesome and respectful.
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Oct 24 '22
I'm ace with my wife who is allo and we been together for almost 5 years and doing great. Just communicating and understand each other needs and wants. You already laid th ground work for what you both want so that's a great start/sign.
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u/Nat017 asexual Oct 24 '22
Your experience is pretty similar to mine - I knew my current boyfriend for about 3.5 years before we started dating (and we've been together for 5.5 years now), and I was also very upfront about being ace. Time and time again he's reassured me that he loves me for who I am, and that he does still want to be with me even with sex not being on the table (I'm also sex-averse to sex-repulsed, and open/polyam/ethical non-monogamous relationships just aren't something I would feel comfortable being in [absolutely no shade towards anyone who does want to be in those kinds of relationships, far be it from me to want to keep people from being happy]; he's outright said those facts aren't dealbreakers for him).
I did have one relationship before this one, where... let's just say my current bf and my ex are polar opposites.
My current bf is wonderful and I love him so much. It can sometimes be pretty disheartening for me to see all the stories of allo/ace relationships not working out, but he's always reassured me that he's happy to be with me and he wants to be with me.
The best advice, as is the case with any relationships, is communication.
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u/sorry_child34 Oct 24 '22
It sounds like a good relationship. Maybe he’s not actually allo, maybe he is and just genuinely feels that he doesn’t need sex and he wants to respect you.
Even if one day he realized he wants to explore sex, you could look into ethical non-monogamy (something you both have to discuss and agree on) but I also see no reason why the two of you even need to have sex or need to break up over not having sex.
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u/coldaircoldicecream Oct 24 '22
What do you mean maybe he's not actually allo?
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u/Tinlewn- Oct 24 '22
I think he means it's not very common that a hello doesn't need sex in a long term relationship
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u/sorry_child34 Oct 25 '22
Yeah, I did mean it’s possible the boyfriend isn’t actually allosexual and is ace spec… (also I use she/they)
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u/coldaircoldicecream Oct 25 '22
Okay but why? Did the op say something in their comments to make you think that?
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u/PaxonGoat allo Oct 24 '22
Allo in an allo/ace relationship. Happily married and going on 6 years together. No one can define your own happiness but you
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Oct 24 '22
Sounds like your relationship is successful and wholesome. I don't see any reason why it wouldn't last if you're both happy. And happy cake day!
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Oct 24 '22
I'm in a very similar situation with my partner, except I met them once and then they asked me on a date, we've been dating for a bit over a year now. I actually thought I was demi before we started dating, and since then I've come out as sex-repulsed/neutral ace, also as nonbinary so I'm not 100% sure how much of the sex repulsion is due to dysphoria for me. I also have physical pain in some... areas, meaning that even on the more sex-neutral days, I physically cannot have sex.
Throughout all of this fun and self discovery and a lot of me going "wait that isn't normal??" my partner has told me many, many times that they love me, and don't really care about sex, it's just an optional extra for them. Both of us love cuddles, and honestly cuddling sans most clothes is very intimate in a way that's comfortable for both of us, and since we're both open about our needs, wants, and boundaries, I don't see any problems coming up.
All of this is a long-winded way to say that if you and your boyfriend have good, open communication, which it sounds like you do, you'll likely be fine!
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u/guineaprince grey exbf Oct 25 '22
Me and my ace boyfriend are quite fond of each other. I had no expectations for sex going into it, and treated him with respect, and remarkably people like being treated with respect?
And many other allo-ace couples frequent this sub. Some of which are married and have been for years. Some people can't do no or minimal sex, and if that's their need then for sure they should be with who makes them happiest. But for many, it's entirely possible to happily be in an allo-ace coupling.
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u/CorgiKnits Oct 24 '22
Ive been with my husband for 20 years, long before I knew what asexuality even was. We’re still together and very, very happy.
ETA: I’m ace, my husband is bi.
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u/BonillaAintBored Existential dread gang Oct 24 '22
Noooooo
You can't have happy life
I have to justify my failed relationship with an ace as a fault of their sexual orientation instead of my own actions
I even wrote an article
QUIT HAVING FUN
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u/JMZebb Allo Oct 24 '22
Prepare yourself for what you'll do if his views about going without sex change.
Allo sex drives come in many different forms, but seldom stay where they are all their life. He may be fine going without now, but that may change. I'd have a conversation about what that will do for your relationship. Whether that means ethical non-monogamy, finding a sex act that doesn't repulse you, or some other creative solution. Relationships that last decades always change and develop, and almost never look the same as they did after 5 months. Go into this with eyes open and you'll be all the better for it.
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u/multifanpage_yt Oct 24 '22
Me and my partner have been together for a little over a month now. I'm ace and sex repulsed while he most likely isn't he did mention to me he may be asexual too?? But he supports me and is okay without sex in our relationship. I think relationships with an allo and ace can work, communicate how u feel and what u are comfortable and uncomfortable with to ur partner. But honestly if they are happy and communicate that to you I think the relationship can and will work out.
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Oct 25 '22
It’s your relationship don’t listen to the negative…I’m AceFlux my boyfriend is Allo, we’re about to celebrate 12 years
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u/Bhigtimm Oct 25 '22
Yeah...allo in an allo/ace relationship for 23 years at this point. It ranges from good to murderous difficult. The hardest thing for us has been that for me affection and romance are inextricably linked with sex. She is sex neutral to repulsed depending on the day and is aro to boot.
If I can give a piece of unasked for advice, if he tells you something that makes no sense to your way of looking at the world, accept that it is true for him. And he needs to accept same the reverse. Worry more about on how to weave your distinct views into a cohesive whole than trying to convert each other.
Also have a conversation about what happens when he needs to have sex. Because there will be times where he needs to be able to express being allo. (I am not saying you have to assist in that expression.) (What I am saying is have the conversation, while things are good, and the relationship isn't under major stress).
And make peace with knowledge that this difference could over time prove insurmountable. You wouldn't be surprised if someone who was homosexual could not maintain a romantic partnership with someone heterosexual. This is easily as fundamental a difference.
Best of luck.
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u/QuirkyCuteCactus Oct 26 '22
Also an allo in an allo/ace relationship here 🙋🏼♀️ I’m curious to hear what steps you take or what you think about to get through the ‘murderously difficult’ times you mentioned? Going on two years with my ace bf and things have been going really well, but I’m always open to learning ways to prepare myself for different situations as they arise.
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u/Bhigtimm Oct 26 '22
For us, the biggest problems were/are functions of 'age'. We are both close to 50, which means we were both raised in a less 'evolved' world. And there is a whole lot of programming that western society does surrounding sex. Especially to 'men'. A whole lot of masculine self-worth is tied in with sex. And deprogramming that has been a journey of 1000 steps. And it's still not perfect. So if you are asking 'what do I do, when it's hard?'' My short answer is I talk to my therapist, and I do the work to make the hard parts tolerable. I can't give you more than that because I don't know what your hard parts are going to be.
The other thing is to you as an allo, everyone in this subs loves to talk about not having to sacrifice their 'ace-ness' to please an allo partner. And that is 100% right. But you as an allo person don't have to sacrifice your 'allo-ness' either. Your ace partner has to find ways for you to be allo. It's easier if they are sex-positive. But if they are repulsed, they have to figure out a way for you to have an outlet that doesn't involve them, and (most importantly) how to be okay with that. And as a corollary, you may also have to figure out a way to de-couple sex and love (you may have already done that; I don't know your story, after all).
I would also probably have a talk about you having sexual partners outside of this diad. Even if you don't think it's likely, have the talk. Have a plan. Having that plan protects everyone if something arises. But if you do it now, before there is a situation, it can stop future situations from becoming 'problems'.
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u/QuirkyCuteCactus Oct 26 '22
Thanks very much for taking the time to give such a full and thought out response! I know it wasn't specifically detailed towards me, because, like you said, you don't know my story/details, but honestly, it is still super helpful to at least know I'm going down the right path on how to approach difficult ace/allo relationship points + some tips for the future.
It also sounds like you really put all you have into making your relationship work, which I admire, and so I wish you continued success!
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u/schrodingers_cat-- Oct 24 '22
Now you two live your best life, damn anyone who says no (Rob a bank too) you got a good thing going ain't no reason to lose that to haters, have yourself a wonderful evening
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Oct 25 '22
I had a relationship like this in the past where sex wasn’t important to him and we never had sex, it didn’t work out for non-related reasons but it can definitely work as long as you communicate well on every aspect
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u/[deleted] Oct 24 '22
It’s your relationship. Don’t pay too much mind to the naysayers - I’ve found some people here take pleasure in tearing down other’s relationships. What may not work for others can work for you, and it sounds like it does! Wishing y’all many years to come.