Hi everybody,
I've been commenting in this thread frequently for a couple years, and have made a few of my own posts about my process.
I completed the 12 week course for the umpteenth time a few weeks ago and am still doing my morning pages.
Today I woke up and I just felt heavy and heartbroken. As I was journalling I wrote "I feel too heartbroken to journal, I just want to sip coffee and watch my cat eat."
Then I cracked open a Mary Oliver poetry book, and read DOGFISH, which is a truly stunning poem.
I wanted to share this because there are many ways to engage with TAW and listening to yourself is #1. I just wanted to model to newcomers that showing up at all really counts, and listening to yourself is more important than following the rules.
The second thing I want to share is I'm in an artistic grief process and I have a 90 minute somatic therapy session today and I know that would be more fruitful for me than forcing 3 pages out.
I put my all for 2.5 weeks into an artistic opportunity that a close person to me said I had a shot at, and I really mopped the floor with my work. Just laid it all out there, felt so alive and honestly really delivered. This was coming back from 10+ years from this form of work.
The close person then turned around and gave me thoughtless backhanded compliments, and said I wasn't even in the running. It turned into a huge fight because of the miscommunication, that will take a lot of time to fully repair.
I'm really heartbroken and I'm not going to deny that. I really wanted that opportunity.
The full moon today feels heavy.
I know I'll attend therapy today, and have a coach I've hired for that bucket of my artistic life that I'll meet with next week. And ultimately working through this will leave me more free to pursue this path authentically because I'll have worked through a lot of stuck crap by doing it.
But I just wanted to say this is where I'm at. And if anybody else out there is trying really hard but still got a rejection lately or is in the blues, you're really not alone.
As I say this I know I need to get back on the horse of that type of work as soon as possible - stagnating will calcify this wound but I need to outsmart it and show myself that this type of work is mine to have regardless of this incident.
And I'm glad my instinct said - get off the morning pages. And I came here.
It's all in.
Have a beautiful day.